To want to publicly shame him?

[BaMamma]

My now ex and I separated a little over 3 years ago and divorced at the end of 2022. It was all deeply unpleasant and expensive for me as he didn't hire a lawyer. Since then, we have had very limited contact, and he has virtually no contact with our daughter.

As part of the divorce, I had the choice of buying him out or selling and splitting the proceeds. As we'd moved from North London to the West Coast, we only had a small Home Equity Loan. In the terms of the divorce, if I bought him out, I'd have to take on that loan, but if we sold it came out of the equity first before other disbursements (eg before his or my share, so we split that debt).

So, I sold the house in December and have bought a nice little place for me and my daughter, with a hefty mortgage.

Tomorrow is our daughter's birthday and today he emailed me to say he thought he wasn't supposed to pay half the Equity Loan, and he's talked to a lawyer about it.

I mean bad enough to be querying the settlement agreement 2 years later, but the day before our daughter's birthday??? Oh, and he's barely acknowledged Christmas or her birthday since we split. At Christmas he sent her what he thought was a funny card with Happy Birthday crossed out and Merry Christmas scrawled over it.

But I'd still be unreasonable to call him out for it on FB, wouldn't I? He blocked me for a while, then unblocked me in a fit of weird pleasantness. We're not friends on FB, but we still have plenty of mutuals, including a lot of my family members.

YABU - don't call him out publicly, it's childish
YANBU - call him out, the utter chiseling bastard!

I’m glad your lawyer confirmed he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. As tempting as publicly shaming him might be, I also don’t think you should bother. However, there is a chance he may have already done it himself. I can imagine a man like that boasting to friends that he intended to fuck you over. When absolutely nothing comes of it they will see him for the twat he. Is. Some would have already thought that just based on him wanting to do it after two years.

Avoid a call out. It’s too low and you will lose respect from people.

Agree with this....

....Silence.

....Ignore.

....Grey rock.

I wouldn’t be putting anything on social media. Friends will love the drama, don’t do it

He sounds like a complete twat. Don’t join him by posting your private affairs on FB. Mortifying.

*We have solicitors in the UK.

Don’t your memory issues mean you don’t actually know who has text you?

This. Be the bigger one

Agree, most people will just think you’re bitter and unhinged, and “the day before the birthday” isn’t a thing. Yes he’s crap, yes it’s acrimonious, but he’d come out of it looking like he had a lucky escape.

There was a poster recently with an absolutely bonkers ex. She would just reply something along the lines of
"let me know how that goes". And never engaged further.

He won’t feel any shame

What on earth do you mean “the day before the birthday” isn’t a thing?

Today is her birthday, yesterday was the day before it. He could have waited until after her birthday, but he chose to write the day before her birthday, a day when I might reasonably expect him to be thinking of our daughter more than the money he thinks he's owed.

Although it sounds counterintuitive, I find it’s actually best with men like him to let go of all ideas of “should reasonably expect”.

You can’t reasonably expect. Because they’re not reasonable. In fact, you should expect them to be completely unreasonable and as poorly behaved as possible. Lower your bar for what to expect from him to the floor and you will no longer be surprised or disappointed when he fails to step up.

The power here is that when your bar is on the floor, you can emotionally detach. So when he emails you the day before Christmas to say he’s decided he’s going to take you to court for 50/50 custody as he doesn’t want to pay maintenance any more, you can think, “Well, this is exactly the sort of thing I expect from him and I am not going to grant his request for a drama.”

You close the email, enjoy your Christmas and a week or so later, email back with “I don’t think that will work for a number of reasons, but let me know how you go.”

Don’t give him any power over your emotions by having expectations. Just keep establishing higher and higher boundaries for yourself until he can’t reach you at all.

@CheekyHobson, you are completely right. I really should have just ignored his email until after her birthday. He's a liar and a victim and I should know better.

I understand, as I deal with someone similar. An eternal victim. My rule of thumb is 'the lower my bar for this person, the higher my boundaries'.

I also have a personal rule that I never waste my time explaining something that should be perfectly obvious to someone. I assume you pointed out to him that tomorrow was your child's birthday, which is what gave him the opportunity to play the victim and blame memory issues.

This is playing into his hands. He either knew perfectly well that tomorrow was your child's birthday and his email was calculated to upset you in advance of the day, or he is so deeply disengaged from your child that he truly didn't remember, in which case pointing it out to him is not going to make him suddenly behave better, it's going to give him the chance to argue, justify, defend, turn it around on you and play the victim.

He may not have gotten what he appeared to want (half the equity loan back) but I guarantee you that what he secretly also wanted was to get a rise out of you, which he did get.

My ex is immensely passive-aggressive and does shit all the time that I know is either consciously or subconsiously calculated to annoy or upset me. It is immensely satisfying to pretend that his petty game-playing is so far beneath my radar that I don't even notice it.

@CheekyHobson it's my 'new year's' resolution to ignore him in future. It's a new year for her, and a new start for me!

Sorry you're dealing with similar, and thanks.

Don’t engage in any way. If you “call him out” he wins in getting your attention and airing your private business.
if he wants to follow this up officially/legally he will need to pay a solicitor to approach you by letter. Don’t let him bypass that by responding to him directly.
He is officially
in the past. Let him stay there.

I really hope the 'letting air out of his tyres' was a joke (in bad taste) Pepole often suggest this sort of action, especially if it's a car parking/using driveway one, but they forget that if they do that, the people who get hurt might be the innocent ones who are the passengers or who he crashes into

Lighten up, would you? Of course, it was a joke and he's thousands of miles away anyway.

I'd do something subtler, like putting broccoli or fish under the seats.