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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DD and birthday party?

56 replies

toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 18:02

DD11 is going to her friend’s party this weekend. The party is escape room, back to friend’s house, sleepover. She can’t make the sleepover because she has a full day of swim meet starting early on Sunday and she’s ok with that.

Where I’m not sure if I’m BU is the escape room. It conflicts with her other sport (trampolining) which is a sport we only agreed to her doing because she begged and pleaded - she already has a huge amount of time swim training and already misses a lot of trampolining because of swimming. So if I work out how much we are paying per session, it doesn’t look good 😆 Plus we’ve done an escape room as a family and she wasn’t really that keen on it so it’s not like it’s a favourite activity.

I’ve said I’ll take her straight from trampolining to the friend’s house and she can stay there til late in the evening but she thinks this is VU.

So am I being too strict or is it reasonable for her to miss both ends of the party but still get about 6 hours with her friends?

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 19/02/2025 18:07

She is already missing the sleepover so missing the escape room as well would mean both of the main parts of the party she misses out on. Dropping her off after and picking her up late is no different than a normal playdate so I can see why she things you are BU.

MummaMummaMumma · 19/02/2025 18:07

Let her go to the party. She's already missing the sleepover.

Randomease · 19/02/2025 18:07

Sounds like a really mean thing to do.

MissUltraViolet · 19/02/2025 18:08

Let her do the escape room. Bit silly to go just for the boring middle bit and miss both best parts.

Ddakji · 19/02/2025 18:09

I would let her go to the party but I would readdress the trampolining.

Weekend activities will get in the way of birthday shenanigans so she needs to accept that she can’t have both, especially if she’s doing a lot of swimming.

MoiraSuppose · 19/02/2025 18:09

She can't miss two parts of the party. Confused

They do have to miss stuff. My dd competes in her sport nationally but she also has a social life.

Original poster
toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 18:11

The thing is she doesn’t enjoy escape rooms! So it wouldn’t be the best part for her… the part at the house she would enjoy a lot more. Though I take the point that makes it seem like a normal play date (albeit one with cake etc).

I did suggest she give up the trampolining at this point given how little she goes but she’s adamant she wants to keep at it.

However, seems I’m being unfair!

OP posts:
snoopyfanaccountant · 19/02/2025 18:11

Let her go to the escape room. She's already missing the sleepover and she will feel very excluded if she only goes for the evening, listening to the others discussing the escape room. Alternatively she misses the whole party.

pearbottomjeans · 19/02/2025 18:13

toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 18:11

The thing is she doesn’t enjoy escape rooms! So it wouldn’t be the best part for her… the part at the house she would enjoy a lot more. Though I take the point that makes it seem like a normal play date (albeit one with cake etc).

I did suggest she give up the trampolining at this point given how little she goes but she’s adamant she wants to keep at it.

However, seems I’m being unfair!

What about the friend though? It’s not about what your DD would enjoy most, is it.

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/02/2025 18:14

Just because she didn't enjoy it with family doesn't mean in the excitement of a party atmosphere with friends she wouldn't either.

They'll all be talking about it after and she will have missed it.

We have the same issue with DD and sport training. Sometimes they just have to be kids and we suck up the cost of their missed training.

Threecraws · 19/02/2025 18:15

She might not have enjoyed an escape room with family but going with friends is a different experience and she will feel really left out if her friends spend the afternoon taking about what they did before she got there.

Pyjamatimenow · 19/02/2025 18:16

Is she in Y6? Frankly she’s lucky to be getting invited. At this age parties get very selective. I would prioritise her school relationships and time with her friends in Y6 over trampolining. You do have to kind of accept when you sign them up to extra curricular stuff that they’re not always going to be able to attend

Pippa12 · 19/02/2025 18:22

She will enjoy Escape room with her friends. She will also be out of the loop if she joins the party late. If she’s year 6 there’s very few parties left, don’t make her miss it because of a hobby!

5128gap · 19/02/2025 18:23

You're making a stand in the wrong place IMHO. Overally strict about the party, yet allowing her to 'insist' when it comes to the bigger and more impactful issue of continuing trampolining. If I thought an activity was inconvenient and a waste of money I'd say no to it, bit would allow my child some autonomy in choosing whether to attend a party.

PorridgeWithSaltOrSugar · 19/02/2025 18:24

Let your kid be a kid. When does she have downtime with friends?

Moonnstars · 19/02/2025 18:24

toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 18:11

The thing is she doesn’t enjoy escape rooms! So it wouldn’t be the best part for her… the part at the house she would enjoy a lot more. Though I take the point that makes it seem like a normal play date (albeit one with cake etc).

I did suggest she give up the trampolining at this point given how little she goes but she’s adamant she wants to keep at it.

However, seems I’m being unfair!

As others have said, it will be completely different doing it with friends compared to doing it with family.

I think afterwards you do need a chat with her about the cost of trampolining and it conflicting with other events. She is 11 so you should be able to explain to her that it is not affordable if she keeps missing it (is she keen on swimming, as you might also need to be prepared for her to then say she would rather quit swimming even if you prefer her to do that).

crappymeal · 19/02/2025 18:26

She won't be invited to many more parties, let her go.

latetothefisting · 19/02/2025 18:37

Apart from anything else it's pretty rude to the birthday friend to essentially pick and choose which parts of her party your dd will deign to attend, basically saying she'll grace them with her presence for a few hours if she can squeeze it in between her more important commitments...

However agree with other posters that she's old enough to explain that you can't afford to be paying for trampoline lessons she doesn't go to. How often do you pay, every term? Maybe make a list of how many she's missed and say next term, she can miss two lessons max (bar illness or family commitments), but it's up to her which ones, so she can choose whether she misses out with friends or swimming. Give her some ownership of the decision. If she struggles and wants to miss more then you won't pay for the following term.

paintfairy · 19/02/2025 18:37

What does your daughter actually want to do? If she wants to go then it's completely unreasonable of you to say no. There's no point in just going for a few hours as she'll feel left out. Whether she'll enjoy it or not is not your problem.

Ddakji · 19/02/2025 18:39

Doing an escape room with your friends is totally different to doing it with your family!

PuppyMonkey · 19/02/2025 18:41

I’d knock the swimming on the head too so she can go to the sleepover but I know I’ll be in the minority.Grin

musicforthesoul · 19/02/2025 18:44

How much trampolining does she actually miss?

I'd be inclined to let her go to the party but if she really is missing lots then I'd be having a serious conversation with her about cancelling it rather than wasting money.

TheignT · 19/02/2025 18:47

She might enjoy the escape room more with a group of friends.

Original poster
toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 18:57

Fair enough she will probably enjoy it more with a group of friends. I should've said she did have a couple of friends with her when we went as a family but it was obviously a family event rather than a friends event.

To answer the other questions -
She usually misses 1 or 2 trampolining sessions a month. And that is for both swimming and social things (i.e. closer friends' parties). But for both Feb and March if she misses this one she will only have done/be doing one a month. March - her best friend's party which I would never ask her to miss, swimming, family holiday. So a bit of a mix.

I wouldn't mind in the slightest if she quit swimming but no way on earth right now would she choose to do that! I wanted her to continue trampolining because I feel (though not sure that she does) that swimming is quite full on and disciplined whereas the trampolining is just a bit of fun. I think that's also why she really likes it. However thinking about it I think it is just turning into a waste of money.

Her friend didn't think she was going to be able to come at all as the swim meet was originally meant to be Saturday - her club gave us the wrong info - so she's just delighted DD can manage a bit. I actually don't think she will feel left out if she gets there and she hasn't done the escape room. I suspect her friends will be more interested in her arrival than the escape room. I'm not saying that to big her up but more that this group is very on to the next thing all the time. Not sure if Im explaining that well.

She's Y6 but they'll all be going to the same secondary. Anyway, I will let her go to the escape room as it seems pretty unanimous I'm BU 🙂

OP posts:
CandyCane457 · 19/02/2025 18:58

You’re saying she doesn’t enjoy escape rooms, but then she’s telling you she really wants to go! And she thinks you’re being unreasonable for not letting her. She may not have enjoyed it with family but it would be a whole new dynamic to do it with friends. Let her go!

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