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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DD and birthday party?

56 replies

toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 18:02

DD11 is going to her friend’s party this weekend. The party is escape room, back to friend’s house, sleepover. She can’t make the sleepover because she has a full day of swim meet starting early on Sunday and she’s ok with that.

Where I’m not sure if I’m BU is the escape room. It conflicts with her other sport (trampolining) which is a sport we only agreed to her doing because she begged and pleaded - she already has a huge amount of time swim training and already misses a lot of trampolining because of swimming. So if I work out how much we are paying per session, it doesn’t look good 😆 Plus we’ve done an escape room as a family and she wasn’t really that keen on it so it’s not like it’s a favourite activity.

I’ve said I’ll take her straight from trampolining to the friend’s house and she can stay there til late in the evening but she thinks this is VU.

So am I being too strict or is it reasonable for her to miss both ends of the party but still get about 6 hours with her friends?

OP posts:
spiderlight · 19/02/2025 18:59

She wasn't keen on an escape room with family, but with a bunch of her friends it will be an entirely different experience. Plus, if she turns up after it and they're all talking about it, she's going to feel awkward and left out.

ThisUsernameIsNowTaken · 19/02/2025 19:02

pearbottomjeans · 19/02/2025 18:13

What about the friend though? It’s not about what your DD would enjoy most, is it.

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Just what I was thinking. It's not your DD's party OP. I would find this behaviour very rude. Sounds like your DD has too much on tbh. I would try and reduce the amount of extracurricular activities; kids need downtime or they won't learn how to occupy themselves and they might burn out as well.

arcticpandas · 19/02/2025 19:07

My son did an escape room for his bday. It's quite expensive (30 per kid) so I would be miffed if a parent suddenly decided to take her daughter to another activity after having confirmed their presence...

Smartiepants79 · 19/02/2025 19:07

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/02/2025 18:14

Just because she didn't enjoy it with family doesn't mean in the excitement of a party atmosphere with friends she wouldn't either.

They'll all be talking about it after and she will have missed it.

We have the same issue with DD and sport training. Sometimes they just have to be kids and we suck up the cost of their missed training.

I completely agree with this.
She is a little girl.
Be glad that she wants to do so many active things. If you really can’t afford it then that’s a different conversation. But I wouldn’t stop her attending a friends party for a hobby. My Dd is very sporty and has training commitments to more than one sport but I never let that stop her living a full and rounded life. Unless she’s expected to be the next Olympic champion her friends are just as important. If she was mine she’d be going to the sleepover as well.

sprigatito · 19/02/2025 19:11

toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 18:11

The thing is she doesn’t enjoy escape rooms! So it wouldn’t be the best part for her… the part at the house she would enjoy a lot more. Though I take the point that makes it seem like a normal play date (albeit one with cake etc).

I did suggest she give up the trampolining at this point given how little she goes but she’s adamant she wants to keep at it.

However, seems I’m being unfair!

Isn't it up to her to decide whether she would enjoy it or not? She may feel differently about doing with her friends rather than you. I have some sympathy for the idea of not letting down team-mates and honouring prior commitments - though for an 11yo it is important to make space for relationships and social life as well - but you deciding on her behalf that she won't enjoy it is bizarre.

NoSoupForU · 19/02/2025 19:12

It would be really rude to just pick and choose bits of the party she goes to. I don't see the issue either, as she's said she wants to go to the party but you seem to be trying to persuade her that she doesn't want to go.

Are you always so full on?

Original poster
toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 19:15

arcticpandas · 19/02/2025 19:07

My son did an escape room for his bday. It's quite expensive (30 per kid) so I would be miffed if a parent suddenly decided to take her daughter to another activity after having confirmed their presence...

I didn't ever say she could go! Initially I said sorry we couldn't make it at all because she was supposed to have a swim meet on the Saturday. When that got moved to the Sunday DD mentioned it to her friend at school and the Mum then texted me to ask if DD could make it. I said yes to the bit at the house but unfortunately not the escape room/sleepover if that was ok, totally understood if not, and the Mum said DD was very welcome to come to as much or as little as she wanted. So we'd left it at just that bit, I only found out today there was an empty spot at the escape room.

OP posts:
Bloom15 · 19/02/2025 19:22

Ddakji · 19/02/2025 18:39

Doing an escape room with your friends is totally different to doing it with your family!

Was just going to type this!

I went with work and it was awkward. Went with DH and friends and had a great time.

YourWildAmberSloth · 19/02/2025 19:26

toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 18:11

The thing is she doesn’t enjoy escape rooms! So it wouldn’t be the best part for her… the part at the house she would enjoy a lot more. Though I take the point that makes it seem like a normal play date (albeit one with cake etc).

I did suggest she give up the trampolining at this point given how little she goes but she’s adamant she wants to keep at it.

However, seems I’m being unfair!

I think this is the part where you need to put your foot down, not over the escape room. If she is missing a lot a trampoline lessons, and you are basically wasting money on sessions that she can't attend because she is busy swimming, it is perfectly reasonable to cancel that activity. She might want to do it but the reality is that she can't fit it in. Perhaps as a compromise she can have lessons in the school holidays, instead.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/02/2025 19:29

You think the friends will be more excited about your daughters arrival than the escape room ?
it that’s true then she should definitely join the escape room

it sounds like her swimming is too full on for her to also do trampolining and maintain a social life. I would say stop the trampolining and prioritise the social life

IJustWantToKnow · 19/02/2025 19:40

It's great that you've listened to the different perspectives. I totally get it, I have an 11 DC who is county level in one sport, has another team sport that is her favourite and she does semi- seriously and a third sport she does for fun at the moment but she's also showing aptitude at. She loves all, doesn't want to quit anything and it's all brilliant for her but it does mean she has to make choices which is hard for her but also good life experience. When we have clashes I do try and make it as much her decision as possible. We know that by doing more than 1 thing she will have a poor attendance in all and it can be a bit of a financial drain but it's the only way to keep the balance between multiple sports and a vital social life. I think your DD needs to make the decision herself and going forward lots of sympathy when there's no good solution for a clash because sometimes that happens. It's about framing it about how she is so lucky to have such a brilliant, full life.

Hugattack · 19/02/2025 19:41

It’s one trampoline session. In the great big scheme of things it isn’t worth you worrying this much. You are neither being unreasonable or reasonable just worrying. Your daughter will be fine whatever you choose. And you need to be kind to yourself.

in my world when a party clashes with a paid activity I usually give my kids the choice unless the logistics just make it impractical or we’ve already agreed to make up a team or something. It’s all meant to be fun, even if the sport is at a high level, and some sports clubs can lose sight of that.

Randomease · 19/02/2025 19:49

Why can’t she go to a sleepover because she’s swimming the next day. You’re going to make her milly no mates if you insist of her prioritising things she’ll probably give up in a couple of years anyway

Phase2 · 19/02/2025 19:50

I'd send her to all or nothing tbh. Horrible for her if they are all getting into pjs and setting up camp and she has to leave.

Original poster
toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 20:01

She doesn't mind at all missing sleepovers, she loves her sleep and hates the idea of getting up early after not sleeping!
It was actually her idea a while back not to have any more sleepovers during term time as she always felt awful the next day and she's done this (left late when others are having a sleepover) a bunch of times and doesn't care at all.
She definitely won't end up milly no mates, she's got masses of friends at school and swimming and always has.

OP posts:
MissAmbrosia · 19/02/2025 20:01

What does the Swim meet involve - competition? Presumably if she's part of a team she can't easily drop out. Otherwise I'd let her do whatever she wants to and is OK with friend.

housethatbuiltme · 19/02/2025 20:02

You sound overly controlling, she sound run ragged with extra curricular that are having all the joy sucked out of them by force. I can't possibly imagine why she didn't enjoy an escape room with you lol.

These are meant to be fun extras to life not all consuming and interfering with her having friends and a life. When you force them to take over everything you ruin them. Its like how they say 'never turn a hobby into a career' because then your 'fun escape' thing becomes the work you want to escape from.

Original poster
toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 20:04

housethatbuiltme · 19/02/2025 20:02

You sound overly controlling, she sound run ragged with extra curricular that are having all the joy sucked out of them by force. I can't possibly imagine why she didn't enjoy an escape room with you lol.

These are meant to be fun extras to life not all consuming and interfering with her having friends and a life. When you force them to take over everything you ruin them. Its like how they say 'never turn a hobby into a career' because then your 'fun escape' thing becomes the work you want to escape from.

Trust me I wouldn't mind at all if she gave it all up! It's the paying for it and then the money being wasted that doesn't really sit right with me. She didn't enjoy the escape room, she loves doing many, many things together... bowling, ice skating, running, swimming, SUP, camping...

OP posts:
housethatbuiltme · 19/02/2025 20:05

toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 20:04

Trust me I wouldn't mind at all if she gave it all up! It's the paying for it and then the money being wasted that doesn't really sit right with me. She didn't enjoy the escape room, she loves doing many, many things together... bowling, ice skating, running, swimming, SUP, camping...

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So the money is more important than her happiness... ok.

Original poster
toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 20:05

MissAmbrosia · 19/02/2025 20:01

What does the Swim meet involve - competition? Presumably if she's part of a team she can't easily drop out. Otherwise I'd let her do whatever she wants to and is OK with friend.

Yep the meet is a competition and she wouldn't want to miss it - if I've ever suggested missing competitions in the past it's been a firm no from her. She hasn't asked to miss it this time and as I said upthread she's not remotely fussed about missing the sleepover.

OP posts:
napody · 19/02/2025 20:06

TimeForTeaAndG · 19/02/2025 18:14

Just because she didn't enjoy it with family doesn't mean in the excitement of a party atmosphere with friends she wouldn't either.

They'll all be talking about it after and she will have missed it.

We have the same issue with DD and sport training. Sometimes they just have to be kids and we suck up the cost of their missed training.

This.

UselessMumAlert · 19/02/2025 20:11

I have a similar situation with one of mine. I think that if they're dedicated enough to want to miss a sleepover for a meet and considering how much time she spends training whilst her friends hang out together, how many things she misses for competitions, then I try to facilitate any social occasion I can even if it means missing a secondary activity.

I don't want her to resent her activities. It's an age when a lot of girls give up sport and I think it's important not to give them another reason to stop.

Kattuccino · 19/02/2025 20:26

Its tricky to keep tween/teen girls active, so I'd be inclined to let her keep trampolining if the money isn't causing a big issue.

Your DD sounds ace. I hope she enjoys the party and does well at the competition!

Phase2 · 19/02/2025 20:43

Well it seems you have an answer for everything so just crack on with your plan 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
toastandtwo · 19/02/2025 20:49

Kattuccino · 19/02/2025 20:26

Its tricky to keep tween/teen girls active, so I'd be inclined to let her keep trampolining if the money isn't causing a big issue.

Your DD sounds ace. I hope she enjoys the party and does well at the competition!

Thank you - she really is! And thanks to you and @UselessMumAlert for making the point about keeping tween/teen girls active - that wasn’t something I’d thought about as obviously we’ve always had sort of the opposite issue but it is a really important point.

OP posts: