Punished for 'affair'?

[HeyDrake]

My ex moved out a while ago after I told him that I had been seeing someone else. The relationship had been dead for ages, and I was upfront that he should move out and had been saying so since last May.
Since then he has been refusing to have our children on the night time/ evening so I can go out. He has one child in the day but not both. Do you think this is fair? The relationship is over, now all he is doing now is punishing our children. And me.
Can I make him realise that I have the right to a private life and time to myself? Can I go to court and could they enforce this?

Just read Op's full posts and I'm not convinced. We were clearly told in the opening post that she confessed she had met someone before he finally left. Op clearly checked out of the relationship and began meeting new men none the less before making the clean break.

Nope. Most men would be crucified here because their affair would have been the reason for ending the marriage. This is not that, OP did end things - and way before she met someone else. Her ex just didn’t want to hear it. Most men would leave, so why didn’t he ? The marriage was dead but he didn’t leave until OP eventually met someone else and told him. OP could have left of course, but that would have been difficult given that their children have special needs and she is the full time carer. So what do you think the alternative would look like in this situation ? You’re sitting in judgement but what would be your solution ?

But not before she’d told him that the relationship was dead and they were effectively living separate lives under the same roof. And it’s not clear at all whether any other men were involved. She simply met someone else - hardly surprising under the circumstances.

Face it, you jumped the gun. Because you only read the first post. Now you’re trying to twist OP’s words because you can’t admit you were wrong.

OP is a full tme carer to two special needs kids. She doesn’t work and would find it difficult to get a tenancy anywhere. DH works full time and clearly doesn’t want his children with him any more than they need to be. He should have moved out when OP told him how she felt. And as per my previous reply, it’s easy to sit in judgement. What’s your solution ?

If he didn’t want to ‘fund OP’s lifestyle’ why didn’t he leave when she asked him to ? And if you read the OP’s posts she was on several benefits connected to herself and the children, so was clearly contributing to the household herself.

Why is it that men get to dictate their own terms when it comes to seeing their own children, but women just have to suck it up ? And why do you assume OP wants to ‘get her leg over’ as you so charmingly put it ? She’s asking for one night a week to herself and his ‘terms’ are ensuring that she can’t have that. So much misogyny.

Ultimately if you can make the clean break after you meet someone new then you can also make the clean break before you meet someone new. Yeah a miserable relationship is not great for raising children and ultimately going your separate ways is for the best but it's key you make that clean break. Ex being bitter is not great, it's a coping mechanism probably but he will only see it that she met someone new whilst he was still under the same roof.

I of course sympathise with Op with the child care situation but my honest guess is the years of the load of child care has killed the relationship and there is some sort of underline depression resulting from that. I'm also cynical if the new guy will hang around once he understands the homelife away from the fun nights out which will only comprehend the situation. I'm honestly not trying to be judgemental but I'm not going to be a yes person in response to the opinion post that Op has asked for. It's my honest take on it.

He wouldn't move out, and she couldn't move out, so how was she supposed to make a 'clean break'.

Diagnosing underlying depression isn't an honest take either, it's just you making stuff up. Again.

You can say I'm making stuff up if you want to shutdown my opinion to validate your own opinion if you want.

Extreme childcare demands is a common factor in the breakdown of relationships and depression however. Add to that Op talking about being happy again numerous times. It's just a hunch.

Back to Ex, he is being tricky on purpose from the sounds of it. It might take a while for the bitterness to evaporate. It would be interesting to understand Ex's new living arrangements and if care of the child is even possible I'm his new home. Some flats etc are really not suitable for such child care.

This. And he is missing out of his children - massive own goal.

Surely then she can refuse to take a child back when he is looking after a child? As it’s the same argument

You absolutely have the right to a private life OP.

Would it be possible to arrange for care of the other DC when the one that needs special care is with Ex? Does he have them both every week on separate days?

again the courts can only make the OP pay child maintenance if she leaves the kids with their Dad and never collects them.

I’m sorry you are going this OP, it sounds tough for all involved. Relationship break down is more common with couples who have children with additional needs, and I very much understand that life must be hard work.

You need support with the children and the long and short of it is that you’ve kicked the other carer out. So I guess it’s a case of building a new support system, which you will do time.

I know you say technically it wasn’t an affair but I do feel this is a moot point. Affair or not, it doesn’t change the fact that being pushed away like that must really, really sting. The technicality of whether it was or it wasn’t cheating doesn’t matter: it doesn’t make you in the right and your ex automatically in the wrong. Playing the blame game won’t be helpful.

So now he’s gone, you need childcare and want him to step up at the times that suit you but he won’t. I can actually see why he is not being very helpful, depending on how forthright and pissed off (like you sound on here) you are being with him over this.

You might find that taking the emphasis off you and your needs, and shifting the focus solely on the children, co-parenting and their relationship with their dad as a more beneficial strategy. He’s their dad not your babysitter.

This is a huge adjustment for you all. Mediation might be beneficial. Try and be kind to one another - you did say he’s a good guy, so hopefully in time it will all improve and you’ll get into a new routine. I know plenty of couples who have split up very acrimoniously but eventually found their new groove and now work well together, even with extra complications with children’s needs and new partners. It can be done.

Good luck.

Many relationships break down. Add to that the burden of caring for a child with sen and it is frankly often a miracle that they survive. Caring for a child with significant sen is not the same as looking after a NT child. For example imagine the care and attention that a three year old needs. Imagine doing that for the rest of your life. The OP does not need people on here judging her relationship. Her ex should be stepping up to parent his children. Whether she sounds that time knitting or having sex or going out is no one else's business.

Thing is nothings going to change. Shit partner. Shit parent.

Op suddenly inviting men round or trying to use it as leverage because he won’t watch the children makes her shit too.

Is it fair? No. But you cannot force a parent to parent you can only control your actions.

Undermyshoejoe
Why is the OP shit for wanting to go out occasionally? I would imagine many adults go out to the cinema or for a meal without being referred to as a shit parent.

They split up!!

She didn't lie, she didn't cheat and someone had to leave - should it have been the carer of their disabled child?

Have you actually read past her first post or jumped in with both feet without having a clue?

Suddenly inviting men round

What??

There isn't a 'new guy'

Of course. But would you hand an apparently vindictive exH that weapon? "Sorry, Johnny but your mum doesn't want you to come home/your mum isn't coming to get you". Or even worse, he drops the child off on your doorstep and simply leaves.

OP isn't dealing with a reasonable man here. If she were, she wouldn't be having this problem in the first place. The bottom line is that the vast majority of single mothers accept the responsibilities of parenthood, whether it's 'their time' or not. I wouldn't say the 'vast majority' of single fathers do not, but I will say an awful lot of them don't.

Is this quote on the wrong thread? It bares little resemblance to the topic.

It was part in response to another poster who said she should tell the Ex she will just invite men around the children. That would make the op a shit parent.

Op should completely have time without the children but her ex who is shit isn’t willing to have both children at once. She can’t change that so can only change her expectations of him.

Why is it that men get to dictate their own terms when it comes to seeing their own children, but women just have to suck it up?

So the OP ended the relationship.
The OP was saw other people.
The OP got the ex to leave the house.

Seems to me like this is the first time that the OP hasn't actually got what she wanted.

No Ofcourse I would not but the same rules apply to both mum and dad .

Ffs. There is no new man.