to ask how to get him interested in sex again?

[thisisausernamethanks]

Deliberately click bait title, but I am genuinely frustrated and keen for advice.

Will try to give the important points.

My partner (male) and I (female) have been together about 20 months. Living together about 6 months. Both have (had?) a high sex drive and discussed early on it being an important part of our relationship. However it has been dwindling for the last 10 months or so (before we moved in together even). No kids on either side.

There have been a lot of stresses in our lives - work stress, personal bits such as health scares, and discussions around starting a family (me keen, he's not ready). He has confirmed though that he's not worried about it happening accidentally before he's ready etc so that side of things (avoiding sex because it might lead to accidental pregnancy) is not playing a role. But the whole thing generally might be adding stress. I do get the various stresses at play..

But even when things have been good and pretty low stress for us of a day or weekend, he's just not as interested in it anymore and it's both frustrating me and upsetting me.

I'm not remotely concerned it's because he's getting it elsewhere, so please don't flag that as a reason.

He's admitted similar has happened in past relationships and he's even mentioned it when he's had therapy (in the past) and he basically believes it's at least partially because now we've been together long enough for the spark/honeymoon phase to fade a bit and it's basically always available so he wants it less! I appreciate him being honest but ofc this hurts. He also has ADHD so I know that there's issues with needing more excitement/dopamine hits etc.

Objective points - I have put on a bit of weight (size 10-12 before, now comfortably a 12). So has he. But I am still attracted to him just as much. He has not mentioned weight but said he's still attracted to him. We've probably stopped "dating" as much - making an effort to go out as much, he's obviously seeing me more often in casual clothes/no make up etc..

I swing between thinking I should try making more of an effort/nice underwear, being suggestive/spontaneous when he's not expecting it (which I have not really tried yet, as I've been rejected too much when casually trying in bed of an evening - scared to make an actual effort dressing up and THEN getting rejected!) vs thinking "f-you" and wanting to make zero effort, maybe intentionally doing the whole "treat em mean, keep em keen" thing? I don't know.

To add, we have discussed it and he's just being a bit useless and saying he doesn't know what he/we should do to improve things. He seems to think that a spark will just reignite with zero effort!? (Well, he's suggesting a holiday to reconnect, which we have now got planned, but what happens after that!?) He also has a mindset that there's nothing less sexy than planning sex .. he thinks he should only have sex when he's turned on and wants it then and there and is expecting/wanting/waiting for that to happen first - vs me thinking you can start things up without that and THEN the urge comes etc..

Grateful for any advice!

No advise as I could have written this myself. The truth is that we ended up breaking up after it became abundantly clear that we very much were just flatmates and my partner has simply lost interest (which he did admit after me sitting him down for a serious conversation after three years of giving me excuses about stress and promises that things will get better).

I think my advice really depends on how much it’s dropped. I do think it’s normal for it to decrease in long term relationships, especially when you factor in work/life/health/stress, and as he says the excitement factor does die off a bit, when you see each other once a week you’ll typically always have sex when you see each other whereas when you’re together 24/7 you don’t, we definitely don’t have sex as much as we used to when we were in the honeymoon period of dating! But we do still have regular sex and both happy with it- you do go through peaks and troughs.

Sounds like he's just no longer interested. It's not been years, it's been months. Move back out and move on. Why bend yourself in knots to please a man that's not making an effort? He doesn't want children either.

To add, the affection and "intimacy" in other ways such as kisses (pecks though...not French kisses!) and cuddles, cuddled up on sofa/in bed etc is still there...

I think also we're both being a bit crap with practical things like eating too much crap watching TV on the sofa and being too full/sleepy for it often at night. We've had sex of an evening genuinely I think once in months and months...it's usually weekend lazy morning lazy sex now..

It's dropped to maybe twice a month from multiple times a day (early days then I appreciate). I think we'd both be happy with a few times a week.

You've only been together 20 months, you aren't years and years in. If you aren't compatible sexually do you really want it to be like this forever?

Try ashwaganda supplements..they make my husband want it more

Different sex drives is an absolute deal breaker for me. There's been a huge drop in amount by the sounds of it so I don't think this relationship is going to work for you.

Honestly I’m going to say don’t.
The relationship is still in the early stages with 0 children. Do you want to keep trying to make him have sex with you for years to come? I don’t think that’s very good for your self esteem, or fair on you in general. If kids come along he will probably be even worse. I think a lot of men lose the spark and then blame it on life getting in the way/stress for not wanting it, but have no problem getting it up to porn and anyone else under the sun who isn’t their partner.

It really does sound like a him problem if this happens in all his relationships. My DH is ADHD and I do get the issue around dopamine seeking and novelty but he's got to take some responsibility for this. We have the house to ourselves every Friday night and it's sex night without fail. Sometimes it's bells and whistles and other times it's comfy and chilled but we look forward to Fridays, so even if we don't manage it much in the week due to work and kids we have that connection. It's not unsexy at all to plan sex if you have fun with it. What does he do to keep his interest up?

If you've initiated and been rejected loads in such a short time of being together and he's not willing to make the effort then I'd consider ending the relationship. Unless there's something like depression you could be potentially wasting your child bearing years waiting for him to get his act together. It shouldn't be like this on in your relationship. My friend did this and nearly didn't move on in time. Was able to have one child but no more.
Don't regret staying. Also if he is depressed then he needs to do something about it. If not move on as that isn't your responsibility either.
I don't think it will improve.

@Cottonplease tbf I do think depression of some sort could be at play a bit here.. apparently his friend said they thought he was a bit depressed recently.. and he's definitely been down for a number of months but largely better now.

It's very situational though with various stresses that have come about over the time we've been together (also he lost a family member about a year ago too- although they did not have a relationship for over 20 years, that would play a role mentally, I'm sure..). It's been a tough time with outside stresses for a lot of our relationship tbh.. but then he's not really saying that is the main reason now - seems to be more of the silly/frustating type issues of it being less exciting now it's always available as we live together..

I just don't if I should try the "spice things up/make more of an effort" and risk being rejected and feeling worse, or the "treat him mean, keep him keen" and try to distance myself a bit so he wants it more?

Doesnt help that he agrees it's an issue but doesn't know what the solution is or what to try! (Although tbf I haven't explicitly asked if he would like me to try to make more effort etc as I feel like it's too contrived (and a bit embarrassing) to ask that and then try it if he says yes...

@ForeverPombear the funny thing is that it's something we really bonded over at the beginning of our relationship - I would say we both (typically) have high sex drives and have said it's v important to us. I guess the outside stresses have affected his drive more than mine now.. I guess also as I need it for a way to feel close etc. Ofc if I was thinking (like he does!) that I need to be feeling horny and up for it in the moment before initiating anything then tbh it would almost never have happened in the past few months too .. but I don't need to start from that point ifyswim

@GabbySolisX TBH I'd be ok if it was like this and kids came along! I'd rather have the kids ;) But whilst they're not here, it's different!

If you were 20 years in then I would say you go through phases at points, but 20 months in and you have had the issues for 10 of them. He has also told you this has happened with past relationships, so this is his norm and he is telling you that.

If it were me, it's so new and you sound very incompatible with your drives, I would end things before you are years in and feeling like you should stick it out because of how long you have invested.

I think only you know how important it is but it sounds like he is quite clearly telling you this is him, he is happy, so you have to decide if this is life going forward, is it enough.

You really dont want to spend years tying yourself in knots, destroying your confidence, worrying it's you, trying to change yourself because you think that will help, only to realise way down the line that he told you from the start, he just isn't bothered by sex.

In the bin for him

Novelty has worn off and he doesn’t want kids so he’s avoiding it. Been there done that.

Oh god you poor thing you sound really young and a bit naive. He's just not that into you! You get only been together for 20 months, if you'd said 20 years I could understand where you might be coming from. But 20 months is still peak honeymoon period! He's not interested, know your worth and move on. For what it's worth I have ADHD and I also have a husband who I've been with for 20 years since I was 19 who still gives me butterflies and who I will never be bored with. Know your worth! Move on.

You need to decide what's important to you in a relationship and what you can tolerate and compromise on.

You're currently in the honeymoon stage of your relationship and for half that time your sex life has been dwindling to nothing. You can analyse it for the next ten years if you like.

Move on, you shouldn't be worrying about this as you are. You should be both jumping on each other at every opportunity!

I really don't understand the reluctance tbh.

You haven’t even been together for two years and almost a year of that has been a problem.

Couples sex lives have ups and downs but you’ve not been together long enough for this to be an issue already. If he isn’t willing to work on it I would be ending the relationship before you spend the next however many years feeling worse about it.

You've been together 20m.
Sex has been dwindling for 10m. That's half of your entire relationship.

I'd be calling it a day at this point, personally.

Now you’re past the early excitement phase and have settled into a relationship, the reality of your incompatible sex drives has surfaced. It sounds like this is just who he is and it’s unlikely to change. You just have to decide if that’s enough for you.

I wonder if he faked his 'high sex drive' at the beginning, because he knew YOU had one and he was putting it on to get you and keep you. Now you live together (so, in his view, he's 'got' you) he's gone back to his real level of interest in sex - ie, not very much.

But this is who he is. He's never going to go back to the high sex drive person you knew in the beginning. Cut your losses and move on now, things won't get better.

As a last ditch attempt I would make full effort with my appearance and feel sexy for myself. He may enjoy the confidence it gives you.
Plan date nights even if it’s a nice meal at home on a Saturday night.

I suspect it will only be a temporary fix if he does get his sex drive back up.

Not even two years together and it’s gone down to twice a month a serious conversation needs to be had otherwise leave.

I get it in a long relationship that sometimes it might dwindle, but if you’ve dwindled this much already you’ll be heading to a dead bedroom after mandatory make a baby sex ends.

Your problem is
(a) you believed that when he said he had a high sex drive, he meant he was the same as you,
and (b) you didn’t truly hear the facts about his very short lived sex drive.

you are the victim of your own projection of similarity onto him.

Sorry but if he has a high sex drive and it's very important to him (your words OP) then there is no way it has just dropped off a cliff less than 2 years in! And a size 10/12 to a size 12 is hardly a huge weight gain!

In my personal opinion (and experience) I would end this and move on as it will only get worse.