to ask how to get him interested in sex again?

[thisisausernamethanks]

Deliberately click bait title, but I am genuinely frustrated and keen for advice.

Will try to give the important points.

My partner (male) and I (female) have been together about 20 months. Living together about 6 months. Both have (had?) a high sex drive and discussed early on it being an important part of our relationship. However it has been dwindling for the last 10 months or so (before we moved in together even). No kids on either side.

There have been a lot of stresses in our lives - work stress, personal bits such as health scares, and discussions around starting a family (me keen, he's not ready). He has confirmed though that he's not worried about it happening accidentally before he's ready etc so that side of things (avoiding sex because it might lead to accidental pregnancy) is not playing a role. But the whole thing generally might be adding stress. I do get the various stresses at play..

But even when things have been good and pretty low stress for us of a day or weekend, he's just not as interested in it anymore and it's both frustrating me and upsetting me.

I'm not remotely concerned it's because he's getting it elsewhere, so please don't flag that as a reason.

He's admitted similar has happened in past relationships and he's even mentioned it when he's had therapy (in the past) and he basically believes it's at least partially because now we've been together long enough for the spark/honeymoon phase to fade a bit and it's basically always available so he wants it less! I appreciate him being honest but ofc this hurts. He also has ADHD so I know that there's issues with needing more excitement/dopamine hits etc.

Objective points - I have put on a bit of weight (size 10-12 before, now comfortably a 12). So has he. But I am still attracted to him just as much. He has not mentioned weight but said he's still attracted to him. We've probably stopped "dating" as much - making an effort to go out as much, he's obviously seeing me more often in casual clothes/no make up etc..

I swing between thinking I should try making more of an effort/nice underwear, being suggestive/spontaneous when he's not expecting it (which I have not really tried yet, as I've been rejected too much when casually trying in bed of an evening - scared to make an actual effort dressing up and THEN getting rejected!) vs thinking "f-you" and wanting to make zero effort, maybe intentionally doing the whole "treat em mean, keep em keen" thing? I don't know.

To add, we have discussed it and he's just being a bit useless and saying he doesn't know what he/we should do to improve things. He seems to think that a spark will just reignite with zero effort!? (Well, he's suggesting a holiday to reconnect, which we have now got planned, but what happens after that!?) He also has a mindset that there's nothing less sexy than planning sex .. he thinks he should only have sex when he's turned on and wants it then and there and is expecting/wanting/waiting for that to happen first - vs me thinking you can start things up without that and THEN the urge comes etc..

Grateful for any advice!

Are you still wearing the same perfume as when you met? If not then try that to send him down memory lane.......

I'd be careful , imagine what it will be like in 5 or ten years. Non existent probably.

You can't be arsing around with perfume and 'making more of an effort' for the rest of your life.

I just think it's over. It's like you have both lost sight of what a relationship should be. You are sitting around watching tv and eating crap when you should be doing things together.

I've been married for 26 years and I'm having twice as much sex in a week as you are having in a month. You can't spend the rest of your life trying to cajole someone into shagging you.

I'd be ok if it was like this and kids came along! I'd rather have the kids ;) But whilst they're not here, it's different

@thisisausernamethanks this says it all, you want children. He's told you specifically he doesn't want sex as he doesn't want an accidental pregnancy. Does he think you are trying to force him into having children he doesn't want because you do?

You aren't a good match. Twice a month after barely a year together is not a high sex drive for any man.

‘Memory lane’?

They’ve only been together a year and a half. I doubt she’s even finished the bottle yet.

He's just not that into you. The initial novelty has worn off and he can't be bothered. Whether he just has a low sex drive as well or is looking elsewhere we don't know.

Move on. You're not compatible.

I do think it’s a case of the novelty has worn off. I’m sorry.
I was in a marriage like this. He stopped wanting me after about four months but we stayed together. Him making excuses and me being needy and confrontational actually (in the end). I wasted 20 years of my life with a man that didn’t want me physically. You’ve been warned. Don’t make the same mistake.

You can't be arsing around with perfume and 'making more of an effort' for the rest of your life.

Yeah what @MoiraSuppose has said. Don't get me wrong, of course there are times where you still make the effort, but generally as you get past the 1-2 year mark, you are just getting on with daily life. If you fancy someone though, you fancy them regardless of what they're wearing or what they smell like!

DH gives me butterflies even when he walks through the door in his work clothes! I come back from a dog walk absolutely caked in mud, hair looking like I've been dragged through a hedge and smelling of wet dogs and DH still walks past and gives my bum a squeeze or a kiss on the neck.

This is life. Not seductive perfumes and date nights and fancy underwear.

I moved in with my DP after a year. It was a functional arrangement as I was in limbo as sold my house and waiting to exchange on my new one. Was only for 7 months.

we used to have lots of sex. Moved in together and it reduced along with intimacy. I tried dressing up etc. nothing. It did end us.

we got back together 6 weeks after I moved out. He confessed it was depression and stress. His past 2 exes that he lived with controlled him when they started to live together. He was stressed I would do that which meant he got stressed and we loved separate lives - his doing. I generally didn’t care about his social plans as long as we had time together. We ended up watching tv during the week and went and got drunk every weekend with friends. He was also having a terrible time at work.

he could communicate this with me, so we drifted apart. It all came out when we discussed getting back together and he confessed he was depressed. We have sec 2x a week on average and he now talks to me. Life is better communicating.

Perhaps he doesn't actually have a hugh sex drive. He just likes the initial newness so has more sex

Sorry OP but I don't think he's being entirely honest with you. It sounds like the novelty of someone new has worn off and this is his actual normal. You shouldn't have to dress up and all that to entice him after only 20 months together! I don't think he will change and it may be that you have to decide whether you can live with this or not.

This is (now) who he is in your relationship and who he ALWAYS is in relationships

You're young

Leave him and find someone more suitable for you

Please don't psychoanalyse him. He doesn't want sex and he won't want sex

You’d rather have the kids now. When they come along and you have 0 intimate relationship with your husband and feel “stuck” as the dc love him and things will be harder without him, you might think differently. You sound naive, in the kindest way possible.

It could just be that the new relatonsjop energy has fizzled.

It also seems his "high sex drive" isn't really that high so perhaps you're not compatible.

But basically if you're having issues like this after less than 2 years.... it doesn't bode well!

You said you’d both be happy having sex a few times a week but that’s clearly not the case or you would be.

You will still want a sex life after having kids too. In fact mine was so much better after having my child.

I had a relationship like this (it was over 40 years ago, we were early 20s). He started off with a high sex drive, but by year 3 - we were living together - it had fallen off a cliff. I tried to make all sorts of excuses in my mind but in the end, I just pulled the plug and moved on.

This is what you should do.

I had one of these, who told me one evening
“ as I happen to have a high sex drive” he didn’t have any !
we were mid twenties - I knew he had a girlfriend before we met
who left him for another, for this reason (his mum told me!)
As been suggested upthread, some men will appear eager
sexy and virile to secure you. Then when they’ve got you …
Stop banging your head against the wall and extricate yourself,
good luck

Yes I'm afraid I was going to say the same. It's time to move on OP.

I'm not going to leave [yet] over this.. there's a huge amount of good in our relationship..I could go into the stresses that have been going on that might garner him a bit more sympathy but it'd be outing... and tbf he doesn't claim that they're the reason for NOW there being an issue

it is really interesting that a lot of people are saying about him not actually having a high sex drive... that's def something I might raise with him... perhaps he's deluded into thinking he does because its always like that at the beginning of relationships and then not realising that's just the honeymoon period and maybe this is his normal... ultimately he's not THAT fussed it seems or he'd be wanting it more! Even if it IS with someone who is living with him/always available etc...!

So assuming (for whatever reason) I'm wanting to stay at least a bit longer... do I do make the effort or play hard to get!? Ha I know itsounds silly but I'm intrigued as to what others have done that might have improved things? I mean I hate the whole misogyny involved in things like "letting yourself go" but I have a bit tbf... lots of wfh together where I've got no make up, ugly sweats etc.. I know he still loves me but maybe he's seeing me less as a sexual being that way etc..?

sorry I didn't finish my train of thought about how he doesn't think that the stresses are an issue now.. he said he thinks they have played a role but now stresses eased he feels it's like we've got into a rutt where now it feels almost awkward to get things going again (which I kinda get but mainly for me as I'm the one making it clear I want sex and he's rejecting! not sure what HE has to feel awkward about!!)

Do you have fun together? Do you laugh & flirt with each other? I'd arrange some date nights and see how you enjoy each others company/chatting/flirting. I think you should make an effort if you feel like it - not for his benefit but to feel good about yourself.

It's been less than 2 years.
He has a pattern of this behaviour in relationships.

Unfortunately, probably nothing you can do will help with this.

He has a high sex drive in the initial honeymoon period (which you said was less than 10 months before it started decreasing), and then it drops off steeply not very long into the relationship.

It's not going to be related to you "letting yourself go" or probably even "always being available". If he had a higher sex drive, he be interested.
If you have to look a certain way for him to fancy you/be sexually interested, that's a really superficial connection that probably wouldn't last longer term. But it doesn't sound like that anyway.

I would suspect that it's more related to him having ADHD and having been hyper-focused on you at the start. You are no longer the new shiny thing, so he's become distracted and not so focused on you.

This isn't all ADHD people - my current partner has ADHD and it's been great for 5+ yrs. But the one before (also with ADHD), he hyper-focused on me, and then... he didn't. And it looked very much like this. The ex has been relationship-hopping at a max of 3 years and move on, for years...

DO NOT waste your valuable time ( as well as self esteem, emotional effort etc) on a man that doesn't want kids yet and does want to have sex with you. I nearly lost my opportunity to have kids because I stuck around for 10 yrs with someone who wasn't ready to have kids and wasn't having sex with me. Your partner can get someone pregnant any age he likes, you can't get pregnant any age you like. How old are you OP?
Does he tell you that he loves you?
My advice from experiencing this myself would be cut your losses. He may be depressed, he may be addicted to porn or all manner of other things but you only get one life OP. Get your needs met by someone else. This man is not meeting any of your needs. He is a time waster.

My only worry would be the fact it’s happened in previous relationships.
It can’t hurt to do things that make yourself feel a bit more like you did at the beginning.

I would plan a date night where you can get dressed up and relax. If he still swerves you then I don’t really know what to suggest because I’ve known it happen before where a friend acted unbothered and her partner though phew!

I'm not really sure there's a lot you can do. Women always think they are the problem and solution to these issues, but usually it's a him issue. He either needs to try to fix it or you accept he isn't that bothered and move on.