Deliberately click bait title, but I am genuinely frustrated and keen for advice.
Will try to give the important points.
My partner (male) and I (female) have been together about 20 months. Living together about 6 months. Both have (had?) a high sex drive and discussed early on it being an important part of our relationship. However it has been dwindling for the last 10 months or so (before we moved in together even). No kids on either side.
There have been a lot of stresses in our lives - work stress, personal bits such as health scares, and discussions around starting a family (me keen, he's not ready). He has confirmed though that he's not worried about it happening accidentally before he's ready etc so that side of things (avoiding sex because it might lead to accidental pregnancy) is not playing a role. But the whole thing generally might be adding stress. I do get the various stresses at play..
But even when things have been good and pretty low stress for us of a day or weekend, he's just not as interested in it anymore and it's both frustrating me and upsetting me.
I'm not remotely concerned it's because he's getting it elsewhere, so please don't flag that as a reason.
He's admitted similar has happened in past relationships and he's even mentioned it when he's had therapy (in the past) and he basically believes it's at least partially because now we've been together long enough for the spark/honeymoon phase to fade a bit and it's basically always available so he wants it less! I appreciate him being honest but ofc this hurts. He also has ADHD so I know that there's issues with needing more excitement/dopamine hits etc.
Objective points - I have put on a bit of weight (size 10-12 before, now comfortably a 12). So has he. But I am still attracted to him just as much. He has not mentioned weight but said he's still attracted to him. We've probably stopped "dating" as much - making an effort to go out as much, he's obviously seeing me more often in casual clothes/no make up etc..
I swing between thinking I should try making more of an effort/nice underwear, being suggestive/spontaneous when he's not expecting it (which I have not really tried yet, as I've been rejected too much when casually trying in bed of an evening - scared to make an actual effort dressing up and THEN getting rejected!) vs thinking "f-you" and wanting to make zero effort, maybe intentionally doing the whole "treat em mean, keep em keen" thing? I don't know.
To add, we have discussed it and he's just being a bit useless and saying he doesn't know what he/we should do to improve things. He seems to think that a spark will just reignite with zero effort!? (Well, he's suggesting a holiday to reconnect, which we have now got planned, but what happens after that!?) He also has a mindset that there's nothing less sexy than planning sex .. he thinks he should only have sex when he's turned on and wants it then and there and is expecting/wanting/waiting for that to happen first - vs me thinking you can start things up without that and THEN the urge comes etc..
Grateful for any advice!