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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive or snappy?

89 replies

Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:11

Can’t see wood for the trees here.
my feeling is this is abusive but I’m so tired I wanted some objective opinions in case I’m over reacting.

context: dinner with my 3 kids, 12 year old has adhd and was particularly bouncy tonight - couldn’t sit still so was bouncing around kitchen while interacting in our conversation. Irritating yes but fairly normal and I was happy we were all together and I’d managed to make a home cooked meal and everyone was happy, yay.

my DH has been…off lately. Can’t quite put finger on it. longer hours at work, later home, just a bit moody I guess. Anyway he walked in this evening to the above chaotic but happy family dinner mess and within a few minutes my son inevitability crashed into the table making my drink spill. No one hurt, no harm done and I firmly told him no more running around now, either sit or go into the other room and I mopped it up.
my dh suddenly comes over to our son and shakes his head and says “fucking Idiot”. We all were stunned, my son started laughing (which he does when he’s overwhelmed) and I think I managed to say “we don’t swear in this house so please apologise” and he muttered something and left the room. All feeling of happy fun disappeared with him. He later apologised but in such a blasé way you’d think he’d stepped on a toe accidentally.

Am i overreacting and it’s normally for parents to get annoyed and swear at their kids? Don’t get me wrong I get frustrated too but never in a blue moon Would I swear at one even if they were being boisterous etc.

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 18/02/2025 22:29

It’s clearly unpleasant and I would be concerned but I wouldn’t say it’s abusive personally.

I think you might need to get to the bottom of if there is more bothering him etc.

PlumFairies · 18/02/2025 22:32

If it was a one off then I’d probably get him to apologise and try and move on. If he is constant talking to the kids like shit then yes I would call it abusive.

pinkstripeycat · 18/02/2025 22:32

You were very patronising OP

Hufflemuff · 18/02/2025 22:33

Wouldn't say its abusive, he snapped and obviously isn't in a good place at the moment. Its not acceptable but we all can have our snapping moments from time to time. His shit apology isn't good enough though.

I'd sit him down and probe, along the lines of "you're not yourself lately and that outburst wasn't OK. I know you know that too. What's going on?"

DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2025 22:36

I don't think it's ever acceptable to call your child a 'fucking idiot', or anybody else in your family for that matter.

I'd have called it out immediately too.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:40

DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2025 22:36

I don't think it's ever acceptable to call your child a 'fucking idiot', or anybody else in your family for that matter.

I'd have called it out immediately too.

I really didn’t know what to do as was so shocked. Had 3 stunned kids sitting there too so just tried a “we don’t speak like that in this house” because we don’t, swearing is not tolerated (I have to be strict as my son would not stop swearing if it wasn’t a clear rule)
it was just so out of the blue and unnecessary, maybe felt more because it wasn’t a “ah fuck” I’ve stubbed my toe, it was directly calling our son that too his face.

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 18/02/2025 22:42

On what planet is it OK for a parent to call their child a fucking idiot, even once? Labelling the behaviour isn't the issue here - he should be apologising properly and explaining why he spoke like that to his own son.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:43

For context he does have a temper and will get snappy at me when stressed out but I’d say this is the first time he’s deliberately taken it out on one of the kids (and he’s he was being annoying but 7pm is always a hard time for him as meds are wearing off and he’s like a bouncing puppy, it was happy chaos but for some reason tonight it really got to my dh who is now acting as though all is fine and says I’m overreacting and need to be stricter with the kids! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

OP posts:
AfraidToRun · 18/02/2025 22:43

Abuse is generally a pattern of behaviour, if this is a one off then it's possibly just snappy. He should still give a proper apology.

What is he usually like to you and your children?

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 18/02/2025 22:49

Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:43

For context he does have a temper and will get snappy at me when stressed out but I’d say this is the first time he’s deliberately taken it out on one of the kids (and he’s he was being annoying but 7pm is always a hard time for him as meds are wearing off and he’s like a bouncing puppy, it was happy chaos but for some reason tonight it really got to my dh who is now acting as though all is fine and says I’m overreacting and need to be stricter with the kids! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Abusive or not, your husband's an arsehole. Another shitty little man who can't control his temper and thinks he can behave however he pleases. There is no excuse for him speaking to your son like that and you should not tolerate it.

WilfredsPies · 18/02/2025 23:00

It doesn’t really matter what happens in anyone else’s house; swearing and name calling doesn’t happen in your house. And that’s that.

I think you’ve got an underlying problem here. What’s behind the increased moodiness? Is he having problems at work? Is he staying later to avoid family time? Because whatever it is, he needs to either fix it, or share it with you so you can deal with it together. What he doesn’t have the option of doing is coming home and taking his moods out on the children. Or you, for that matter. And if he’s not willing to disclose what the problem is, then he either plasters a big smile on his face and pretends, or he pisses off until he’s sorted himself out.

RedHelenB · 18/02/2025 23:00

Personally I think it's better all.round to stop your son bouncing around the table before drinks get spilled or other danage done.

Notgivenuphope · 18/02/2025 23:03

You are all unreasonable.
Your child for arseing about in the kitchen
You for not keeping them under control and for clearing up the mess that he had made instead of making him do it
Your husband for using foul language

dizzydizzydizzy · 18/02/2025 23:07

DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2025 22:36

I don't think it's ever acceptable to call your child a 'fucking idiot', or anybody else in your family for that matter.

I'd have called it out immediately too.

Agreed.

oakleaffy · 18/02/2025 23:20

Notgivenuphope · 18/02/2025 23:03

You are all unreasonable.
Your child for arseing about in the kitchen
You for not keeping them under control and for clearing up the mess that he had made instead of making him do it
Your husband for using foul language

Completely agree.
🎯

oakleaffy · 18/02/2025 23:23

If a kid dicks about and spills something, they should clean it up ( with supervision if necessary)
I can see why husband was annoyed- that frantic behaviour is irritating.

He shouldn’t have sworn, but it’s not abusive.

livelovelough24 · 18/02/2025 23:27

Wow, I cannot believe the number of comments who are suggesting that this kind of language is ok. Kids are kids, no matter how well behaved, they are alive and in a household of five it is never silent. Everyone can spill a drink, not just a kid and while I can understand a man getting pissed at this, especially after a long day at work, but to call anyone "fucking idiot", especially your child, especially a child with ADHD is completely unacceptable.

livelovelough24 · 18/02/2025 23:29

From what you are telling us, I would say that something else is going on with your husband. It is possible that he is having problems at work. It is also possible that he is having an affair.

Either way, name calling, still not acceptable.

JMSA · 18/02/2025 23:41

The whole situation sounds annoying and spillages were the one thing that made me want to lose my shit.
He definitely shouldn't have said what he said, but the 'we don't swear in this house' comment would have irritated me beyond belief.

JMSA · 18/02/2025 23:42

livelovelough24 · 18/02/2025 23:29

From what you are telling us, I would say that something else is going on with your husband. It is possible that he is having problems at work. It is also possible that he is having an affair.

Either way, name calling, still not acceptable.

Agree with this too.

ItGhoul · 19/02/2025 00:13

Stressed-out parent, difficult child, inappropriate rebuke on the spur of the moment. Snappy, but not the end of the world. It sounds like there are other things bothering your DH and your child’s behaviour does sound like something a lot of people would find very stressful and exhausting. What is ‘happy chaos’ to you would not feel like that to everyone. I realise your son can’t necessarily help it, but knowing this will not automatically make it less stressful for some people around him (who also can’t help it) and maybe your DH was just one of those people on this occasion and just snapped, because he’s human and makes mistakes now and again like any parent.

Clearly, it is not a good thing to swear at a child, but it was a one off and nobody’s perfect.

I also have to say, if my partner spoke to me like he was my primary school teacher, with the ‘We don’t swear in this house, apologise’ line, I would probably have fully exploded. So patronising and so infantilising. He’s not one of the children.

I think I would be more concerned about why your DH is seeming unusually stressed at the moment and having a non-confrontational and non-judgemental chat about it when the kids are in bed. I doubt he’s being like this for fun and if he’s never spoken like that before I’d be wondering what was going on for him that was sending him over the edge.

Anotherparkingthread · 19/02/2025 00:17

Tbf that situation sounds miserable and you sound patronising. Husband did well to walk out having not said anything worse.

oakleaffy · 19/02/2025 01:02

RedHelenB · 18/02/2025 23:00

Personally I think it's better all.round to stop your son bouncing around the table before drinks get spilled or other danage done.

“Happy chaos”
Sounds hellish for people who like peace and order.

Eenameenadeeka · 19/02/2025 07:01

Well, it's definitely chaotic. Everyone is unreasonable.
You're 12 year old should not be bouncing around the kitchen, spilling drinks.
Your husband shouldn't swear at children.
While I understand stepping in where you found your husband out of line "we don't swear in this house" is kindof talking to him like a child. I think everyone could do better in this situation, hopefully it's just a one off and you can all move on.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 09:07

Appreciate all the perspectives here.
we talked briefly this morning and he said he just feels he can’t live happily in a house with such chaos (I tried to ask if he means more chaos than what happened at dinner which for me is nothing but can see for others it’s hard, I guess I’ve just become immune to hyper behaviour at the point his meds start to wear off) and he couldn’t be more specific other than to say it’s all just too chaotic and he is taking some time to think about what he wants and going to stay with his sister. I’m totally blindsided as didn’t see that coming at all. Won’t tell me anything else and says nothing wrong at work, I’m the problem. Kids walked into school this morning and could I could hear my son telling his friend what his dad called him laser night so am now scared a teacher twill hear and call me to flag up abusive verbal language as I know it’s a child protection risk😔😔😔I’m just wishing I could wake up from a bad dream.

OP posts: