Abusive or snappy?

[Frogstobutterflies]

Can’t see wood for the trees here.
my feeling is this is abusive but I’m so tired I wanted some objective opinions in case I’m over reacting.

context: dinner with my 3 kids, 12 year old has adhd and was particularly bouncy tonight - couldn’t sit still so was bouncing around kitchen while interacting in our conversation. Irritating yes but fairly normal and I was happy we were all together and I’d managed to make a home cooked meal and everyone was happy, yay.

my DH has been…off lately. Can’t quite put finger on it. longer hours at work, later home, just a bit moody I guess. Anyway he walked in this evening to the above chaotic but happy family dinner mess and within a few minutes my son inevitability crashed into the table making my drink spill. No one hurt, no harm done and I firmly told him no more running around now, either sit or go into the other room and I mopped it up.
my dh suddenly comes over to our son and shakes his head and says “fucking Idiot”. We all were stunned, my son started laughing (which he does when he’s overwhelmed) and I think I managed to say “we don’t swear in this house so please apologise” and he muttered something and left the room. All feeling of happy fun disappeared with him. He later apologised but in such a blasé way you’d think he’d stepped on a toe accidentally.

Am i overreacting and it’s normally for parents to get annoyed and swear at their kids? Don’t get me wrong I get frustrated too but never in a blue moon Would I swear at one even if they were being boisterous etc.

Sorry for typos. Shaking as I’m so upset. Lost not laser (obviously)

A chaotic frantic home life can be very wearying for a lot of people.
They come home tired and hungry and just want peace and calm and to cook.

Does your son get enough outdoor exercise?
Boys especially can need masses of exercise to stay calm indoors.

Maybe your husband has been fed up for a long time with a chaotic home life,but he should go on walks and cycle rides with his son to burn off excess energy.

Your husband was nasty to your child. You should have spoken to him privately about it, not belittled him in front of the children, but in the heat of the moment I understand you were shocked and unsure what to do.

Another thing I picked up on is your Son spilled a drink, and you mopped it up. He should have done this himself. Getting some of the chaos under control by making your Son take responsibility might help him to understand his actions have consequences. Your Husband isn't coping. His behaviour wasn't ok, but if you want to all stay together as a family, it sounds like everyone needs to make some changes.

Yes my son plays football every day after school for the local club, he is very fit and generally regulates well but when his meds wear off at 7 we have about 90 mins of him bouncing off the walls until we give him his melatonin. In summer it’s easier as he can be outside but it’s freezing and dark so that can’t happen so I’ve got used to it just being a noisy bouncy hour and his siblings are also used to it so I barely notice it. He’s not harmful or aggressive, just tigger like bouncy! and in a small flat it’s noisy. My husband definitely has always had a lower tolerance to noise and mess than me, but I’d say that’s got worse and he’s clearly now questioning whether he can live with it at all 😢which I never saw coming ☹️

That a good point, I can see it was patronising. I really didn’t mean it to be - I thought if I told him directly in front of the kids he was out of order calling him what he did, it would be more confrontational, so I tried to make it about our house rules in general but can see it went wrong ☹️

as for me cleaning up the drink- I totally get the point about my son doing it, but he’s so wired and clumsy at that point I guarantee he’d have used 2 rolls of paper towel and knocked over everyone’s else’s drinks and cutlery in the enthusiastic process of cleaning. My other 2 were still eating so I just grabbed some napkins to stop their plates getting wet and had it sorted in <6 seconds.
generally though when he does make a mess he does fix it himself (Even though that generally means I have to re- do it as he’s like a bull in a China shop with his adhd and tics)

If this is totally out of the blue and he's moved out, there's obviously something going on. Debt, work stress, depression/anxiety, another woman or he could just be fed up with family life.

Unlike many here, I wouldn't tolerate a child being grabbed and sworn at. He's also a parent and could have taken control of the situation rather than contributed to the chaos.

I don’t think it’s debt (we don’t have lots but we get by) and I know there’s always the possibility of someone else but I hadn’t thought
anything like that before today) but he has been snappier of late and kept telling me I was imagining it. I think I accepted a long time ago things would never be the 2.4 children happy house we all dream of die to mix of medical and ND diagnoses in the kids, and I know he struggles with that more than me but I never thought it would mean us splitting up. I’m just blindside.

It always boils down to one thing.

There's another woman.

Oh get lost. Maybe it's due to having 2 adults and 3 kids with various issues in a small flat. Particularly if one of the children is hyper and chaotic every evening.

Maybe. Time will tell.

Just curious OP, but did the children calm down after the outburst? It’s not good behaviour by your OH, but just wondered what happened when they were told off?

I can’t believe anyone thinks it’s not abusive to call your child a fucking idiot!

Anyway, he’s clearly checking out of family life, and his behaviour has changed recently. You said he’s been moody and working longer hours at work.

With his removing himself from the family home on top of all this, I am afraid I would be worried his head has been turned in some way. Not necessarily OW, but he seems to think his life would be better without you and the DC doesn’t he?

Any other odd things happened with hindsight?

You need to talk and bottom this out. 💐

Chaos happy or otherwise is not what anyone wants to walk into straight from work. That said your DH shouldn't be swearing at your son. You should have calmly talked to him when there was no children around and asked him to apologise to your son. Neither of you have done well . There have been plenty of threads on here where a DM has snapped and said something hurtful to her child and the response is always you are only human accept it is wrong apologise and move on. You will need to sit down and have a frank conversation with your DH. Maybe there is another woman, maybe he is struggling more than you realise. Sometimes especially when there are extra needs involved, one parent can get so wrapped up in the children they fail to see things from the other parents view. Do you talk together about ways to deal with your child, how your child's behaviour makes you feel. What you think is the best way forward? All these points need addressing as a team if you are to remain married.

Absolutely this - It would be hard for anyone to tolerate.
ESPECIALLY if the husband has ND issues himself.

I know. I can't believe the number of people minimising this.

Would they think it was okay for their boss, their children, their friends to call them a fucking idiot? Of course not. So it's not acceptable to do it to your children. It wasn't just snapping in the moment, the incident had passed. He had time to see the event, you dealing with it and he still thought it was a good idea to go over to swear and name call in his son's face.

He's the adult. He should be setting a good example. He should be able to regulate his emotions and deal with situations calmly.

You were right to stand up for your son, not patronising. Of course we need boundaries and discipline but this is neither.

?? She was talking to her adult husband (who’d just told his child to fuck off) in that way because it was in front of the children. Ffs.🤦‍♀️

While it’s not appropriate in any way to say what he did, walking into a chaotic situation would put me on edge and would not make me want to come home

I am ND myself so I know it can’t be helped but the scene you described would cause me a meltdown.

Is there any chance your husband is also ND and therefore struggling to cope? I hate the jumping to that conclusion in most threads but reading yours this was my initial thought

Spot on

Yeah sorry but I agree. He's just upped and left and gone to live with his sister (leaving his wife and 3 kids behind) because his son spilt a drink???

Nope, he needed an excuse to get out.

Your dh is an adult and acted inappropriately. You have 3 dc, one who is ND, so expecting a quiet and calm home is unrealistic. A child with AdHD has an uncontrollable need to move at times, especially when meds are wearing off and they're hyped. The child wasn't being naughty, it was an accident. We all have accidents sometimes. I agree that getting dc to help you clean up, even if it's just performative (hold the tissue whilst I wipe etc) would be seen as a consequence.

It sounds like something bigger is going on for your dh. Going off to stay with his sister is an overreaction. He should be coming home to parent with you to help come up with strategies to create a calmer home. Leaving may make your dc think they've done something wrong.

Sorry I’m at work so struggling to respond to all comments but just quickly
my husband is not ND
it’s definitely harder and feels chaotic due to our kids’ needs compared to a household where there are no additional needs (I imagine- having never had that I don’t know!) but only for that “witching” hour when meds wear off, the rest of the time I’d say we are pretty lucky with a roof over our heads and 3 beautiful kids.

I tried talking to him and he’s just shut down which is what he generally does when annoyed, I’m the opposite and probably over talk things so am trying to respect his wish for space (while feeling sick with nerves)

to add to the mess Ive had school on the phone to ask about the incident as it’s inevitably reached the teacher’s ears, I explained what happened and the deputy said he was glad to hear DH is not currently staying there as it sounds like abuse by words and they will need to make a note of it and follow up 😞😞😞😞😞😞I’m so scared,

I’ve had no worries about another woman but maybe I’m utterly naive 😞

Blimey the school are shit hot. Have you told H?

Am so sorry you're going through this. He's terrible leaving you to cope with 3 dcs. I hope you have some other support?

No I wouldn’t be able to tolerate my DH talking to DD or me like that. It’s uncalled for.

Later nights, moody, checking out? I’m sorry but I would jump to another woman also and this is the first time this has ever crossed my mind when reading the whole thread. Men leave when they have someone else to go to.
I don’t believe for one second he’s left because someone spilt a glass of water.

How on earth has the school found out?