Abusive or snappy?

[Frogstobutterflies]

Can’t see wood for the trees here.
my feeling is this is abusive but I’m so tired I wanted some objective opinions in case I’m over reacting.

context: dinner with my 3 kids, 12 year old has adhd and was particularly bouncy tonight - couldn’t sit still so was bouncing around kitchen while interacting in our conversation. Irritating yes but fairly normal and I was happy we were all together and I’d managed to make a home cooked meal and everyone was happy, yay.

my DH has been…off lately. Can’t quite put finger on it. longer hours at work, later home, just a bit moody I guess. Anyway he walked in this evening to the above chaotic but happy family dinner mess and within a few minutes my son inevitability crashed into the table making my drink spill. No one hurt, no harm done and I firmly told him no more running around now, either sit or go into the other room and I mopped it up.
my dh suddenly comes over to our son and shakes his head and says “fucking Idiot”. We all were stunned, my son started laughing (which he does when he’s overwhelmed) and I think I managed to say “we don’t swear in this house so please apologise” and he muttered something and left the room. All feeling of happy fun disappeared with him. He later apologised but in such a blasé way you’d think he’d stepped on a toe accidentally.

Am i overreacting and it’s normally for parents to get annoyed and swear at their kids? Don’t get me wrong I get frustrated too but never in a blue moon Would I swear at one even if they were being boisterous etc.

The school is lovely and very small so sort of feels like a little extended family. They’re ever so good with neurodiversity and have helped so much with my son. The deputy sounded really concerned which has made me upset all over again and currently hiding in work toilets to pull myself together ☹️
my dh is my support ☹️no IRL friends, we are such a little unit (or so I thought). Hard to make friends with kids who have additional needs I’ve found, so we always just are a little group of 5. Feel really alone so this support here is kind of my lifeline just now.

tried calling DH to let him know school knows but he’s not picking up (no surprise there)

Maybe you’re right, it’s honestly never crossed my mind for a second before today ☹️

deputy said class teacher has overheard my son’s friend using the words and had initially told him off before hearing he was telling someone else what my son’s dad had called him last night, my son then got sent to deputy to have a pastoral care check in and then they called me to ask if all is safe / ok at home and that they need to follow it up as it’s abusive to a child and their well-being ☹️☹️😞

Yes, I'd say this was an instance of verbal abuse. I hate to say it but it does fit the profile for having his head turned/another woman - the longer work hours, being a bit off, blaming you and suddenly leaving to "think" for spurious reasons. I would say don't let him gaslight you into turning yourself into a pretzel to try and make things better.

I don't think what you said to him after he swore was the issue, in fact I think it's good for you DC to see you calmly sticking up for them and setting boundaries. He may try and deflect his own behaviour by making it all about how you spoke to him though so I'd be wary of that.

Could I get into trouble for this for not protecting the kids from it? I don’t see what else I could have done last night ☹️

I hate to say it but it does fit the profile for having his head turned/another woman - the longer work hours, being a bit off, blaming you and suddenly leaving to "think" for spurious reasons.

Later nights, moody, checking out? I’m sorry but I would jump to another woman also and this is the first time this has ever crossed my mind when reading the whole thread. Men leave when they have someone else to go to.

@Glitchymn1 and @RaspberryBeretxx have basically said what I was thinking word for word.

Maybe but that was after the event, so irrelevant to the DH's outburst.

Likewise

I'm not an expert but I'd say definitely not. You dealt with it appropriately and your DH is now out of the house anyway - you did nothing wrong. I think you just need to deal with it with the school and see where it goes.

@Frogstobutterflies I’m so sorry.

I would text him or email him and let him
know what’s happening.

You were not to blame for what HE said, did or how he’s acting now. He’s gutless and a man child - he has children and he’s basically walked away having a strop. Not acceptable, you can’t act like that when you are meant to be the responsible adult. He’s weak.
You must be the strong one.

op I hope things get easier for you, I think what you think is chaotic could have been icing on the cake after work stress and he’s probably going through something mid life. Not ok but life can be tough and everyone I talk to lately has similar stuff going on (myself and dh trying to figure stuff out at the mo). I think you both need to have a proper talk but he needs to know his kids are his kids, the chaos is both of your (as a team)’s family and you need to work this out together

Agree. At first I thought the child was 2 but 12? Butting into conversations and bouncing about? No. That’s not acceptable. Your husband wasn’t being abusive he was at the end of his tether.

Could dh have adhd? Not excusing swearing at his son but maybe that chaos is overwhelming to him and he has an outburst as he needs quiet? I have adhd. My job is busy, noisy and full on. When I get home I really need some quiet to recharge my batteries. Maybe he doesn’t realise that and explodes (again no excuses just a possibility)

12 but with ADHD and Tourette’s. Not hurting in, just bouncing around joining in the table conversation but unable to sit still due to meds wearing off.
sorry if I sound curt I’m just trying to reply quickly!
appreciate all perspectives on here I’m trying to take them on board

I don’t think so, never associated any ND traits with him but of course could be wrong

Sadly OP this sounds like classic other woman territory - late nights at work, moody at home, blaming you for the home/marriage failing. He's re-writing the reality to make himself look & feel better about his infidelity.

honestly, I'd leave a message and tell him not only have you have the school flagging potential abuse due to his outburst, but you know what he's up to and the very least he can do is be honest and not to think for one minute he can come swanning back in when it all goes to shit. And he can tell the kids. No need to elaborate and if it turns out he doesn't have OW (unlikely) worse case you say - well something was up and this seemed more palatable than realising you're just a shit husband and parent.

@Frogstobutterflies I'm so sorry you only have dh. Maybe now is the time find some support?

It’s only ever been us. Both quite introverted and happy just us 5. Not sure where I’d start to be honest start, but this is helpful for now

No, of course you won’t get into trouble! Firstly, it was him who said it, not you. You dealt with it absolutely perfectly and in a child appropriate way. And things are a bit up in the air at the moment. Your DC are perfectly safe and healthy. The school is just doing their job. They’d be negligent if they heard a parent was talking to their child like that and just ignored it. At most, you might get a phone call or a visit, just to check things are as you say. But you’ve got nothing to hide and nothing to worry about. They’ll see you’ve got it all under control, tick their boxes and you won’t hear from them again.

my DH has been…off lately. Can’t quite put finger on it. longer hours at work, later home, just a bit moody I guess Your DS is 12. I don’t know much about ADHD, but I’m guessing it doesn’t suddenly appear overnight. That’s a long time for your DS to have been the way he is. So what has changed recently to make DH decide it’s suddenly now all too much for him?

Hopefully it’s not another woman. Hopefully it’s just pressure at work and he’s struggling to cope and taking it out on the wrong people. But I think you’d be leaving yourself open to one shock after another if you don’t consider the possibility that this might not be connected to the situation at home at all, and that there is an underlying reason for this all. I don’t think you can rely on him to be honest with you. I think you’d be very foolish indeed to expect him to behave like the man you know.

At best, he’s behaving in a monumentally selfish way. It doesn’t matter how overwhelmed he feels. He’s a dad. He has responsibilities that he shouldn’t just be able to walk away from. Does he think you don’t struggle sometimes? Does he think you wouldn’t like peace? Or a break from it all? Can your marriage recover when you know that he has it in him to just walk out on his children when things get a bit difficult? And to not even answer the phone to you is fucking appalling. What if there was an emergency with the DC?

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I think you’d be best served by concentrating on the practical stuff. Are you ok for money? Do you need to move anything into your own account to make sure the bills are paid? Have you got someone you can tell? Someone you trust to support you? Even if over the phone. Can you take a few days off work? Just to get your head around what you need to do if this turns into a lengthy thing.

Sorry OP, but my first thought on reading your OP was that there's another woman and he's seeking to blame you for what he's doing.

@Frogstobutterflies are there any parenting groups or support groups? Do you work?

Sorry if I’ve missed any questions:
I used to go to some ND support groups when the kids were little but it just tapered
off over the years.
we only have one account and we share everything in it for bills, so no idea how I’d go about moving money, we don’t earn much but enough to have a roof over our heads and warm tummies at night. Nothing keft
over once bills / payments are made each month. i work the hours the kids are all in school so 9:30-2:30 every day and DH works 9-6 mon-fri

When you say ‘nothing left’ are you talking about literally zero, or do you have a couple of quid you can withdraw in cash and stash somewhere? Even if it’s only a fiver here and there?

You’re currently dealing with a brand new scenario and you have no idea what he’s going to do next. You need to protect yourself and the last thing you need is to be down to your last couple of slices of bread, only to find out his wages haven’t gone in to the joint account as normal. I’m absolutely sure they will, but when you’re dealing with the unknown, it’s always a good idea to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. If you’ve got some cash stashed away, you won’t be worrying about what you’re going to feed them until your payday, or how you’re going to get to work.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear this latest update. Family life can be hard and it sounds like he's at breaking point.
BUT:
Can you imagine if you said 'this is too hard - I'm fucking off to my sibling's house?!'
What would happen then? I hope he doesn't intend to leave you with all the work

Also lovely, please don't take this the wrong way, but check that he's actually staying at his sister's and not with another woman. I'll never forget how snappy and unkind my ex husband was to me, not long before I found out about his affair. It's textbook adulterer behaviour: making me out to be the bad guy as a way to justify his behaviour.
I really hope it's not that and just a temporary blip
Best of luck and keep us posted.

I think we have around £100 for the next week until payday, we don’t have savings but carefully budget together each month to manage on. We aren’t very frivolous or big spenders and like being at home together or the local park for an outing. No idea what I’d do if he didn’t put his salary into it as we split everything between us to cover all bills/ food/ you name it.

Exactly @JMSA . Op couldn't do that.

Are you able to contact that group again @Frogstobutterflies ? Aren't there any friends from the past you could get back in touch with? There's nice people on SEN boards here too. Maybe someone local?