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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should you wait until you’re in love before getting into a relationship ?

90 replies

Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 09:05

Hi everyone I hope this is going to make sense but I’m worried . So I’ve been seeing this guy for just over a month now and it’s going well. He said if all goes well he’d ask me to be his girlfriend but would wait until about 3 months in however last night we were talking about it and he said he’s only been in love ONCE out of his THREE relationships but still loved the other 2. He said getting into a relationship and saying you love them is normal but not actually be IN love until about a year in or whenever feels right . Should you not be IN LOVE before getting into a relationship? I’m worried I fall in love and he just “loves me but not in love” should I wait until he’s in love before making it a relationship ? He said loving has different stages and getting into a relationship means building up to being in love but I’m not sure what to do! Any experiences ?

OP posts:
LittleRedRidingHoody · 18/02/2025 09:09

I think it's somewhere in the middle. I'd go into a 'relationship' with someone without being in love, but expect an 'I love you' sooner than a year!

Mischance · 18/02/2025 09:09

You don't fall in love to a timetable - it either happens or not. You can't put it on an agenda and say if it has not happened by X date then that is it. And you cannot define "in love" - it feels different for each person.

He sounds a bit weird to me!

mimblewimble · 18/02/2025 09:09

I mean my first thought is that one or both of you is making this more complicated than it needs to be!

Snowmanscarf · 18/02/2025 09:10

I’m old school. From the first date you become girlfriend and boyfriend. Can’t be doing with this with this wait and see/exclusivity malarkey.

I agree that when you first start dating you may not love them, or be in love with them- it’s very much a ‘fancy them’ at that stage, and love grows as you get to know them etc, but the modern ways of dating does seem over complicated.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/02/2025 09:11

My word this is so over complicated. You don't need to love someone to go exclusive with them. And by refusing to go exclusive that likely means continuing to date other people.

gannett · 18/02/2025 09:12

loving has different stages and getting into a relationship means building up to being in love

He's absolutely right about this. I've been with DP for 12 years and I think it was only around the two-year mark that I thought, wow, this is it, this is what love is. But then I think the best kind of love is when it's calm and easy, not when it's passionate and head over heels (a feeling I don't much like).

Before that it was very much a step by step, I'm enjoying this so let's see where it takes me kind of situation. For the first six months I assumed it'd be a short-term fling but I never stopped enjoying it.

Never trust anyone who says they're deeply in love with you before six months. They barely know you.

KimberleyClark · 18/02/2025 09:12

Being “in love” is a temporary state anyway. It’s love that lasts. “I love them but I’m not in love with them any more” is often the excuse people give for cheating.

sweetpickle2 · 18/02/2025 09:13

You’re both approaching this weirdly, in my opinion.

Loving someone and being in love with them, assuming you’re both choosing to be in a relationship together, is the same thing. He’s begging bogged down in semantics.

However I wouldn’t expect to be in love with someone before getting into a relationship with them- all the relationships I’ve had, we’ve made it official/had the convo before we’ve said I love you.

Mrsttcno1 · 18/02/2025 09:13

I think I agree with him, everybody has their own internal clock obviously but I don’t think you can really truly “love” someone only a handful of months after meeting them- lust yes, like yes, even really like, enjoy spending time with etc, but true real love? No. You really don’t know them well enough.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 18/02/2025 09:14

I’m so glad I’m out of the dating game. Modern dating sounds absolutely shit.

Glorybox2025 · 18/02/2025 09:14

You don't need to wait to feel 'in love' before you commit to a proper relationship with someone. That would be weird. But if you don't feel in love after a while - a year is a good benchmark but may be a lot shorter - it's probably not worth continuing the relationship.

Cinai2 · 18/02/2025 09:14

I agree with him, I think this kind of ‘love’ he might mean takes time to build. Fancying someone, loving them, starting an exclusive relationship happens earlier.

ViciousCurrentBun · 18/02/2025 09:14

Agree there is no timetable, some people date people and never fall in love but by that time they have fallen in to a serious relationship or something like an unplanned pregnancy occurs.

l have had 4 BF in my life, married 25 year now. I had some love for all of them but really being totally in love has only happened with two of them. The two I had not quite the real deal with both lasted for a year.

DaringLion · 18/02/2025 09:15

Snowmanscarf · 18/02/2025 09:10

I’m old school. From the first date you become girlfriend and boyfriend. Can’t be doing with this with this wait and see/exclusivity malarkey.

I agree that when you first start dating you may not love them, or be in love with them- it’s very much a ‘fancy them’ at that stage, and love grows as you get to know them etc, but the modern ways of dating does seem over complicated.

I’m 57 and I was thinking the same as you

Original poster
Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 09:17

Hi everyone thank you for the replies ! He says we’re exclusive , and then it would turn into a relationship providing that goes well, then he says in love and love is 2 different things , he’s said I love you to his 2 other ex’s but wasn’t actually properly in love and I think that scares me

OP posts:
Shodan · 18/02/2025 09:20

Snowmanscarf · 18/02/2025 09:10

I’m old school. From the first date you become girlfriend and boyfriend. Can’t be doing with this with this wait and see/exclusivity malarkey.

I agree that when you first start dating you may not love them, or be in love with them- it’s very much a ‘fancy them’ at that stage, and love grows as you get to know them etc, but the modern ways of dating does seem over complicated.

Yep same here. I wouldn't be interested in a man who said he'd ask me to be his girlfriend at a future point in time 'if all went well'. It's a very arrogant attitude.

No. You asked me out, I agreed, we went on more than one date- we are exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend.

Mrsttcno1 · 18/02/2025 09:21

I do think having love for someone and being “in love” with them are two different things, I have a lot of love for my friends, I’m not in love with them, and you see it often where couples separate and say that while they still have a lot of love for each other they are not IN love with each other. It’s a difference between a romantic love and a platonic love maybe?

Original poster
Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 09:21

Shodan · 18/02/2025 09:20

Yep same here. I wouldn't be interested in a man who said he'd ask me to be his girlfriend at a future point in time 'if all went well'. It's a very arrogant attitude.

No. You asked me out, I agreed, we went on more than one date- we are exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend.

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This is how I thought it worked too but I do really like him and wondering if it’s the right approach ! 😭🤣

OP posts:
Shodan · 18/02/2025 09:23

Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 09:21

This is how I thought it worked too but I do really like him and wondering if it’s the right approach ! 😭🤣

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The right approach is the one that works for you. If you're not comfortable with all the carrot-dangling he's doing, then he's not the one for you.

There will be men out there with the same view as you who you'll likely be even more compatible with.

Original poster
Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 09:27

Shodan · 18/02/2025 09:23

The right approach is the one that works for you. If you're not comfortable with all the carrot-dangling he's doing, then he's not the one for you.

There will be men out there with the same view as you who you'll likely be even more compatible with.

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I get it but I do really like him , I can sort of see the point of getting into a relationship with someone and building up to being in love , I’ve just never experienced that before

OP posts:
Getitwright · 18/02/2025 09:32

Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 09:21

This is how I thought it worked too but I do really like him and wondering if it’s the right approach ! 😭🤣

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He sounds like a programmed robot🤣

“I……now……love…….you”

Seriously, everyone is different, and it can all hinge on the depth of that love, not the timing. Telling someone you love them is a huge moment, hopefully reciprocated.

Original poster
Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 09:38

Getitwright · 18/02/2025 09:32

He sounds like a programmed robot🤣

“I……now……love…….you”

Seriously, everyone is different, and it can all hinge on the depth of that love, not the timing. Telling someone you love them is a huge moment, hopefully reciprocated.

Show quote history

Yes we both agree that you don’t know exactly when you’ll fall in love , but he’s saying he’s said I love you to his other 2 ex’s that he wasn’t in love with. I’d be worried we would be saying it to eachother but I wouldn’t know if he means in love or not . Hearing “I love you but not in love with you” scares me . We both made it clear we’re not entertaining anyone else and it took him 4 months to ask his ex to be his gf , another 3 months after that to say I love you and another 5 months after that he was IN LOVE . with the other 2 he said he couldn’t have fallen in love with them . I’m just scared to take the risk and get hurt , but I do really like him

OP posts:
TheGlamour · 18/02/2025 09:45

All this formalising of stages and letting you know when you’ll be considered good enough to be his girlfriend is just 21st century bollocks! And seemingly designed to give men even more ways to torture women.

ForRealCat · 18/02/2025 09:46

You've had far too much chat about his exs

MissDoubleU · 18/02/2025 09:47

Snowmanscarf · 18/02/2025 09:10

I’m old school. From the first date you become girlfriend and boyfriend. Can’t be doing with this with this wait and see/exclusivity malarkey.

I agree that when you first start dating you may not love them, or be in love with them- it’s very much a ‘fancy them’ at that stage, and love grows as you get to know them etc, but the modern ways of dating does seem over complicated.

Disagree with this, it gives 0 time to test things and actually find out if you really like the person! Dating is for getting to know them and testing compatibility, you can do this exclusively. Ie, we’ve had a first date - we like this, we want to see where it goes, we are now “dating/seeing each other” then give it time to breath before you start announcing to everyone you’re a couple.

you can be besotted with someone who is very wrong for you, very easily. My DP and I were exclusively dating for around 6 months before it all went “Facebook official” as the kids say. We are more in love now than we ever were. We were also certainly more truly in love at 1 year than 2 months. Intimacy takes time to grow and stronger bonds form over time too.

Don’t make it so complicated. It doesn’t need to be.