Should you wait until you’re in love before getting into a relationship ?

[Ellamaee]

Hi everyone I hope this is going to make sense but I’m worried . So I’ve been seeing this guy for just over a month now and it’s going well. He said if all goes well he’d ask me to be his girlfriend but would wait until about 3 months in however last night we were talking about it and he said he’s only been in love ONCE out of his THREE relationships but still loved the other 2. He said getting into a relationship and saying you love them is normal but not actually be IN love until about a year in or whenever feels right . Should you not be IN LOVE before getting into a relationship? I’m worried I fall in love and he just “loves me but not in love” should I wait until he’s in love before making it a relationship ? He said loving has different stages and getting into a relationship means building up to being in love but I’m not sure what to do! Any experiences ?

I am old as well and it seems so complicated now . Before , you met someone - if it wasn't a one off you would simply date .You would just see how things went after each date .

There would be no talk about being " exclusive " - that was a given . If they were seeing other people that would be cheating and you would dump them .

You would fall "in love / lust ? " and that would deepen to love .
Obviously some relationships wouldn't last very long and you might not get to the in love stage / love stage .

There were no fixed timetables but I suppose as you hit your late 20s / thirties and if you were interested in having kids , you would maybe consider after 6 months / a year if you thought the relationship was going anywhere and if not end it .

It was all different with each relationship and you didn't have a fixed timetable in mind other than when you hit your late 20s .

I do hate the tick box exercise before you are " official " - girlfriend and boyfriend now . It seems very transactional and almost like a job interview where you have to meet certain criteria before you are " hired " . It seems quite cold rather than I like you and want to get to know you more and let's see how things go .

Also hate the "exclusive" tag as well, as before then you are setting out - I am still keeping my options open as haven't decided . Again it seems quite cold .

In some ways your current date / not sure if he is a "boyfriend " is being honest and is probably better than someone who love bombs you from the start .

Good luck 🤞 and remember it is a two way thing too , don't get tied up on the messages he is giving you and what he wants . Remember that your thoughts about him / the relationship progressing are equally as important .

So how long did it take him to tell you he loved you? And does that mean you can fall in love with someone whilst with them and not before ? My last relationship was 5 years but he told me he loved me 9 days in but that involved cheating but I did love him

He says everyone knows about us like family and friends etc and that we don’t talk to or see anyone , not available to anyone else but not officially together just seeing how it goes that way first then make it official when he knows it’s right . I just wasn’t sure if you should be in love first before you ask someone to be your girlfriend !

I think that's an odd way of looking at things. I would usually expect to be in a relationship with someone before I realised I was in love with them. I agree with @Snowmanscarf and would always consider any relationship I was in was boyfriend/girlfriend from the outset and would expect that it would be exclusive immediately. I don't think you can plan for how long it will take to fall in love with someone but I think it's something that happens when you're in a relationship, not before you start one and it seems completely bizarre to expect to be in love before committing to a relationship.

Before I met my husband, I had lots of relationships but would have been very worried if I had fallen in love with every boyfriend I had - I don't think true love happens very often but when you meet the right person you can often know quite quickly. My husband and I fell in love with each other within a month and moved in together after we'd been going out together for about three months (it would have been sooner but it was really difficult to find rented property in those days if you weren't married). That was nearly 50 years ago. I think being in love is very different from the deeper love that you develop for someone over time.

9 days in you don’t even know someone. You can fall “in love” sure, but it’s more with the idea of them than who they truly are. I also think out of respect you let it breath and give time and space to let these feelings solidify. Declaring them after a week is love bombing. It’s not healthy.

There isn’t a set time when you should or shouldn’t declare it. My partner and I did at the 6 months mark. That’s when we decided we were all in together, a true team.

Same here. I'm 66 and I find it all quite baffling.

You went out with someone, carried on going out and nobody (apart from KS3 teenagers) asked anybody to 'be their girlfriend'. I note also that it seems to be quite strictly patriarchal that it's him who will ask her.

I just wasn’t sure , I thought to be in a relationship you had to be in love first , maybe that’s where I go wrong in relationships 🤣

I agree although i was 17 he was 18 think it was just silly love but we did spend 5 years together and I did love him ! But I do agree we didn’t know eachother well enough for it to be real love maybe just the idea?

I said he’s asking me cause I wouldn’t be comfortable asking him and getting rejected . I’d rather him ask me cause I’d say yes anyway! Im not sure he would

He'll likely say "I love you" when he doesn't mean it because he wants to dip his dick and that's the route to a girls pants..

Tell him to go a love himself with a dildo dipped in chilli sauce.

Definitely the idea! Especially at that age, it’s so all or nothing at 17. I thought I was madly in love with my first bf and again, he was a cheat and an asshole. I was totally in love with the idea of him, the idea of love, the idea of being loved! It’s so real. I think we definitely discern the difference as we get older, at least that’s the plan isn’t it.

When we rush love/being in love it makes it stay in situations that might not be right for us. Hence why I’m talking about breathing room to figure out who you are as a couple and if it’s a good thing

I do think though OP, you guys are talking about his exes too much. Your relationship shouldn’t be being compared.

All these different labels and categories sound exhausting. Plus why does he get to choose?

Surely a couple "falls in love" as they go along. If you don't, call it a day and split up. Falling in love is the action, loving one another is the emotion.

Meh, I'd dump him for this conversation alone. You'd be spending the whole time wondering how he feels and if he has decided if he is in love and not actually getting to decide how you feel.

Also i should add I have ADHD which I do believe contributes to me feeling so deeply so quickly . Like when he says around 3 month mark to get to know eachother before making it official , then another while to say I love you and even longer to be in love , makes it seem so complicated and long to me , considering it takes me no time at all I’d be worried about It being one sided but maybe he’s right and it’s my lack of patience that needs work . I just want to be and feel loved and learning patience is so hard

Run. Now.

Seriously.
He's making you jump through hoops to make you feel you can win his love.
(You can't win someone's love btw. They either love you for you, or they can leave. Don't try and be what they claim they'll love.. it'll be a lovely based on untruths and lies)

No, no, no.

he’s right and it’s my lack of patience that needs work

Nope, uh uh, no...

"Just wait a bit longer, I might love you if you agree to my conditions..."

That's not how love should work.

yeah I do agree . I just keep wondering if he’s going to go by the same approach he did with his ex ! He knows im not waiting around forever x

Wow! So many different opinions on this . I’m not sure what to do!

Simple rules for life that I like to share.

First - a partner should add to your life and make it better... If they bring drama, doubt, questioning yourself, fear, anxiety etc. THEY AINT WORTH IT

Second - Every single person on earth makes music as they travel through life. The key to happiness is to find a person who loves the songs you play and avoid the people who want to change your sound. Equally, find a partner who plays what you want to hear, not a partner where you need to rearrange their notes.

Thirdly - chores can wait - fuck em. 🤪

Well you can't love someone before you are with them, can you? Why are you having such in depth conversations about his previous relationships and when he told them he loves them etc. You sound very immature/insecure and as if you want him to declare that he's madly in love with you, when he barely knows you.

This is not the relationship for you. You're already on the back foot. He's dangling a carrot that you have to earn. Will you adjust your thinking, behaviours, personality to be "worthy" of that love? It seems likely, as you've already made some posts that suggest you're the problem.

It is not a healthy start for a relationship and it doesn't tend to get any better.

this

Sounds like its not the relationship for you.

Aw, at least you are communicating, some don’t ever reach that stage! When your heart skips a beat, that’s love. When you lock eyes but can’t say anything to each other, that’s love. When you are still a bit of a secret to family and friends, that’s love. When you spend ages saying goodbye, that’s love. When he washes the car so it’s clean for you, but leaves you standing in a snowstorm ‘cos he’s late (🤣) that’s love. When you go out and walk the dog, and the dog runs off ‘cos you are having a smooch, that’s love. (We found the dog at home safe). I wrote a letter/card and posted it, every day to my OH when he was away finishing his degree. He did the same back. No emails etc…. In our young days, it was a short phone call or you wrote. We still have our letters.

All the best👍

Some people fall in love before they make it official , I’m not wanting him to declare love for me again I just wasn’t sure if a relationship is with someone you love or just getting to know them whilst in a relationship then falling in love

Some people are saying the OP should get out and that he's trying to dictate how the relationship goes, but I get the impression he is just wanting things to progress naturally and see how things develop, but the OP is putting pressure on him to say he loves her, and if not now when, so he is coming up with some sort of timeline to keep her happy.

For me the normal was feeling love for someone then making it official , and I’m wondering if it’s the wrong approach, I just didn’t know you could be in a relationship with someone and not be in love ? I’m new to it all really