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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should you wait until you’re in love before getting into a relationship ?

90 replies

Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 09:05

Hi everyone I hope this is going to make sense but I’m worried . So I’ve been seeing this guy for just over a month now and it’s going well. He said if all goes well he’d ask me to be his girlfriend but would wait until about 3 months in however last night we were talking about it and he said he’s only been in love ONCE out of his THREE relationships but still loved the other 2. He said getting into a relationship and saying you love them is normal but not actually be IN love until about a year in or whenever feels right . Should you not be IN LOVE before getting into a relationship? I’m worried I fall in love and he just “loves me but not in love” should I wait until he’s in love before making it a relationship ? He said loving has different stages and getting into a relationship means building up to being in love but I’m not sure what to do! Any experiences ?

OP posts:
XxSideshowAuntSallyx · 18/02/2025 10:56

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/02/2025 10:30

God, yes, the modern way is soooo over dramatic and unnecessary.

I wouldn’t quite call it girlfriend and boyfriend after just one date though. In my day (90s) you’d go on a date and if you liked them you’d both go “oh I had a nice night, it would be good to do it again if you want to.” And then you’d arrange another one. And it would just continue from there. Or not, if you decided to tell them you didn’t think you were quite right for each other.

maybe after 4 dates or so you’d jokingly say “so is this the point we can refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend?”

What didn’t happen was messing around with any other blokes, also going on dates with them at the same time. That was really frowned on. People just wouldn’t have accepted it. No-one wants to do the “pick me dance.” I don’t know how or why the dates with multiple people at the same time has suddenly become acceptable ( and indeed how people even have time in their lives for that).

is it the Love Island influence or something, all this “so are we exclusive?” nonsense. It’s really boring the way people drone on about it.

Show quote history

I'm old school too. Probably why i found online dating so hard. It was called two timing in my day and frowned upon, now it's multi dating and perfectly okay.

I think after a month or so of dating you were classed as boyfriend/girlfriend you didn't ask. It was obvious by then you were serious, you didn't need to ask. You didn't plan when you could say you loved someone, it just happened or it didn't. I think I've only ever loved 4 men, the last one was a bit of a surprise.

Life and dating was so much simpler.

DreamySloth · 18/02/2025 11:23

TwistedWonder · 18/02/2025 10:38

Im nearly 60 and this new approach to dating baffles me.

The old fashioned way where we met someone we liked, went on a date, decided if we liked each other enough to have more dates and at that point we were bf and gf, none of the exclusive chat/wait and see before we label it.

And love developed over time. From realising we liked this person, to really liking them and then realising we were in love but if we waited til we were in love to start a relationship, most of us would be waiting a long time.

I’m 37 and think it should be this way

MidnightMeltdown · 18/02/2025 11:34

I don't think you can live someone after a few months. Not truly. Even a year is pushing it. Love is a slow burn.

Original poster
Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 11:43

MidnightMeltdown · 18/02/2025 11:34

I don't think you can live someone after a few months. Not truly. Even a year is pushing it. Love is a slow burn.

Thank you. I do believe it’s just my adhd craving that love and having 0 patience. My previous relationships the love word came out quickly but maybe I’ve never had true love . Thanks you :)

OP posts:
Endofyear · 18/02/2025 12:55

It sounds like a load of old nonsense to me. What does he think is the difference between 'in love' and loving someone? Honestly, it sounds like he is messing with your emotions and you'd be better off without him!

BansheeOfTheSouth · 18/02/2025 13:02

Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 10:29

This is the farthest from true I don’t even love him yet! We were talking about the future not right now

Show quote history

Stop talking about it. You are putting him under pressure because you want a time frame. He's giving you the best answers he can based on previous relationships. Just drop it. It sounds desperate.

Original poster
Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 13:07

Endofyear · 18/02/2025 12:55

It sounds like a load of old nonsense to me. What does he think is the difference between 'in love' and loving someone? Honestly, it sounds like he is messing with your emotions and you'd be better off without him!

He says being in love is different than loving someone . Like you can love and care for someone but not be in love

OP posts:
Original poster
Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 13:08

BansheeOfTheSouth · 18/02/2025 13:02

Stop talking about it. You are putting him under pressure because you want a time frame. He's giving you the best answers he can based on previous relationships. Just drop it. It sounds desperate.

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It’s not desperate it’s thinking ahead which with my adhd I can’t help , I’m working on it !

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 18/02/2025 13:19

Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 13:07

He says being in love is different than loving someone . Like you can love and care for someone but not be in love

Show quote history

And it is! I love all my friends, with deep and true love and care. When you date someone, you should feel that way about them. You should care deeply in the same way you do your friends. No I don’t mean platonically, I just mean a genuine love for another person who is important to you. That is still different to genuinely falling in love with them and knowing that good or bad, this is my person. This is someone who will shape who I am, who is my future etc. someone I will make big sacrifices for and who will do the same for me. Those sweeping broad statements shouldn’t come early on, but you can still absolutely feel love for that person.

And I think it’s very positive that he does feel this way.

Skandar · 18/02/2025 13:20

Ellamaee · 18/02/2025 13:07

He says being in love is different than loving someone . Like you can love and care for someone but not be in love

Show quote history

Well, this is true - I love a lot of my friends, but I'm not in love with them. The difference is I'm not shagging them. If someone I was in an intimate relationship with was talking about love, I'd expect it to be more than platonic love - if it wasn't, then essentially you're just friends with benefits...

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/02/2025 13:43

Maybe don't live your life online then? I don't anymore. No-one can be their true authentic selves on SM, so what's the point really? Put a few photos up now and then, of your kids or your holidays or your nan's 80th party, or a nice walk in the country, or whatever. No need to stress over it all, put filters on so you look better, wonder what people will read into it, you don't even have to fill in most of the personal details sections. FB etc will only use the data anyway...

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/02/2025 13:46

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/02/2025 13:43

Maybe don't live your life online then? I don't anymore. No-one can be their true authentic selves on SM, so what's the point really? Put a few photos up now and then, of your kids or your holidays or your nan's 80th party, or a nice walk in the country, or whatever. No need to stress over it all, put filters on so you look better, wonder what people will read into it, you don't even have to fill in most of the personal details sections. FB etc will only use the data anyway...

Edited

sorry, that was in reply to @MissDoubleU

MissDoubleU · 18/02/2025 13:50

CurlyhairedAssassin · 18/02/2025 13:46

sorry, that was in reply to @MissDoubleU

Show quote history

I agree, but this is still the driving point. Most people enjoying updating their things online and letting their family/friends know when nice things happen. It’s not a negative thing to allow space to discover if a relationship is “right” for you before introducing them to your family, or in this case - the machine. My comments weren’t personal but rather insight into why things have developed the way they have.

scanni · 18/02/2025 13:54

I do believe it’s just my adhd craving that love and having 0 patience.

This makes you very vulnerable, particularly to a man who is already talking to you as if he holds all the cards. He will very easily manipulate you to the point you are grateful to him for giving you the slightest hint at what you want. Bin him off.

Doggymummar · 18/02/2025 14:03

My partner says he fell in love with me on the second date. We didn't say it though until about ten months in when we were on a train going to see my parents for the first time. We had the exclusive chat, only because we met on tinder and were seeing other people initially though not having sex with each other or anyone else. After about 2 months we slept together and have been together for 11 years now. It's different for everyone lovely, there's no ideal timeline.

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