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AIBU?

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Original poster

DM offering me a house.

56 replies

ThelittleBee · 18/02/2025 05:35

So I moved overseas some 10 years ago, and in that time my DM met her now DP and they decided to move in together. DM has asked me a couple of times about if I will be buying a place of my own, but I have explained to her that after footing the bill for mine and DH wedding last year and the country I reside in requiring a 20-25% deposit, that would not be happening any time soon. She then went on to tell me that since she has no mortgage any more, she will be selling her place to move into the new house that her DP purchased for them, and he will also be selling his. They jointly own the property but he paid for the majority of the mortgage on the new house which is also paid off directly. My DM then explained to me that her plan was to give me some off my nest egg early, basically the deposit I would need over here. It was a very generous and kind offer of her, and it would have a huge impact on where we will be in the future. Issue now is that my landlord has approached us about selling the property in the future, and asked if we would be interested in buying. We love our place, its the perfect first house for a small family, and the landlord is even happy to wait a couple of years if we wanted to rent to buy. This would be an amazing opportunity for us. The kicker is... that when I have mentioned this opportunity to my mum, she has congratulated us, expressed what an amazing opportunity it would be and has told us to go for it. I mentioned that we wouldnt have the 25% sadly and she said 'well I can help out a little when I get my stuff sorted' (as in finish moving in to new place ect). The problem is, with out it we simply don't have the deposit, not even half. This offer from her is the difference between a discussion happening and there being zero point even addressing the landlord with interest. I don't want to make her feel pressure about it, but I also am frightened to start agreeing to things I couldn't afford with out this 'early nest egg'. How do I broach it? Or do I just accept that although a lovely idea, some people can say things in the moment which were never going to happen?

OP posts:
Blue278 · 18/02/2025 05:46

Not seeing the issue. You’re right. You shouldn’t start spending now as anything could happen, but you’ve already said your landlord is in no rush so just wait.

If mum and her DP already found the house they will be living in and she will be selling, you just have to wait until that part happens.

Only you kniw if your mum and her partner are reliable. Do you mean she first said an amount that was the whole deposit and is now saying ‘a little’?

Your mum has a lot going on and needs to protect herself, work out her own finances. Probably waiting to see what’s left after her sale. Are you confident she is adequately protected and that her arrangement is fair to her? That should be the main subject of any conversations with her about her plans.

BuddhaAtSea · 18/02/2025 05:46

She’s your mum! Pick up the phone and ask her: you’re still ok with giving me the money, mum? The landlord is selling and that nest egg means I can put a deposit down.

Blue278 · 18/02/2025 05:49

Do you have any siblings? Does mum’s DP have children? They might be working out how to help other people too.

user1492757084 · 18/02/2025 05:51

You Mum brought up the topic first so you should feel comfortable in asking her about the details, time frame etc.
It is extremely generous and it make a huge difference, so tell her that.

Silvertulips · 18/02/2025 06:04

Why are you spending on a wedding when you need a home? I have seen ‘deposit’ money being spend on weddings rather than future proofing your home.

discdiscsnap · 18/02/2025 06:06

So your mum said when she sells her house she will give you the money you need for a deposit?

I don't see the issue ypu wait unto she sells her house.

Octavia64 · 18/02/2025 06:20

So she is currently in the process of selling her house and has said you will be given some of the money when the sale is complete?

If so, she doesn't have the money right now and so can't give it to you until the sale is done. What stage is the sale at? Is she on the market, with the lawyers, or at exchange?

House sales can drag on for a long time here.

Original poster
ThelittleBee · 18/02/2025 06:32

Blue278 · 18/02/2025 05:46

Not seeing the issue. You’re right. You shouldn’t start spending now as anything could happen, but you’ve already said your landlord is in no rush so just wait.

If mum and her DP already found the house they will be living in and she will be selling, you just have to wait until that part happens.

Only you kniw if your mum and her partner are reliable. Do you mean she first said an amount that was the whole deposit and is now saying ‘a little’?

Your mum has a lot going on and needs to protect herself, work out her own finances. Probably waiting to see what’s left after her sale. Are you confident she is adequately protected and that her arrangement is fair to her? That should be the main subject of any conversations with her about her plans.

Edited

yes thats my main issue, I was given a specific figure, then its turned into 'I can help' then its become 'I can help a little'. Im just wondering if it was a fleeting statement given to try and give us a little boost of confidence for the future but was probably not thought threw properly. Since I have time before I would need to put that money down, Im not worried about needing it like NOW. But if I agree with my LL that I will be buying in 202X, then I dont want to then find that infact I cant and I have wasted his time/ money and we end up in a bad legal situation for making legal agreements we cant now proceed with.

OP posts:
farmlife2 · 18/02/2025 06:35

Ask your Mum for clarity? She raised it, so it's reasonable to ask.

It's possible she's found out things aren't quite as straight forward on her end as she thought they would be, so she might not be able to commit to a sum yet.

Also, don't count on it until you get it. Anything could happen. What if they broke up? Then she'd still need her house.

Also to look into, and I don't know the rules for your country or where you are, but if you are transferring such a large sum, it's possible it could come in for gift taxation. That's something you really need to check as it will reduce the amount, possibly significantly.

Octavia64 · 18/02/2025 06:36

It's very simple.

You don't enter into any legal agreements u til you have the money firmly in your bank account.

Verbal agreements are not worth anything, even from family.

olympicsrock · 18/02/2025 06:36

It sounds like your mum is flaky on this sadly. Until you actually have the money in your bank account you can’t rely on it . Sorry

Original poster
ThelittleBee · 18/02/2025 06:37

Silvertulips · 18/02/2025 06:04

Why are you spending on a wedding when you need a home? I have seen ‘deposit’ money being spend on weddings rather than future proofing your home.

I am not in need of a home. I rent, like many people. I am pretty sure owning a house is great, but we haven't been in a position to do so until this offer. The wedding was no where near this amount that was offered and wouldn't have gotten me the house either. My wedding was important for me to have because I lost 4 very close members of my family and my partner also lost family, so we decided to marry and bring all our family together so we could see everyone after covid, it still worked out cheaper then flying to the 5 country's our family's are spread between. I do not regret having a wedding (50 guests, very low key) as seeing people who survived and are still with us was the most important thing to us.

OP posts:
Ellaelle · 18/02/2025 06:42

By the headline I thought the daily mail where offering you a house, I'll see myself out

dammit88 · 18/02/2025 06:50

She has told you she will help you when she can. Don't push it. This house isn't the only house there will be others. You need to be patient, try and save what you can in the meantime. Tell your landlord you are not in a position to say when you will be able to move ahead at the moment.

olympicsrock · 18/02/2025 06:56

There is a real mismatch here between the title “DM offering me a house” and her saying that she will help you out / releasing some of your inheritance early . It doesn’t sound like she ever offered you an entire house and that perhaps you built it up in your mind.

farmlife2 · 18/02/2025 07:01

olympicsrock · 18/02/2025 06:56

There is a real mismatch here between the title “DM offering me a house” and her saying that she will help you out / releasing some of your inheritance early . It doesn’t sound like she ever offered you an entire house and that perhaps you built it up in your mind.

Re-reading the first post, I do wonder if this is the case. DM gave a ballpark figure she hoped she might be able to provide, OP's mind leapt to 'house deposit'. Now DM is aware that OP has taken that amount she floated as definite and is maybe counting on it she's backed off a little because she's worried she won't be able to guarantee that much.

I think it's safest to assume there will be no money at this point, just in case. Until it's in your hands, it's hypothetical. Also, exchange rates and tax on large sums being transferred in might reduce the given amount significantly.

Original poster
ThelittleBee · 18/02/2025 07:01

olympicsrock · 18/02/2025 06:56

There is a real mismatch here between the title “DM offering me a house” and her saying that she will help you out / releasing some of your inheritance early . It doesn’t sound like she ever offered you an entire house and that perhaps you built it up in your mind.

Iv never said she has bought or given me a house. She's offered me a large down payment needed to buy the rental I currently live in and has encouraged me to make plans with my landlord to go forward with this knowing I don't have the money myself.

OP posts:
Doloresparton · 18/02/2025 07:05

You need a discussion.
Dm we cannot make plans to buy the house without a firm commitment that you will help as you suggested.
If you have changed your mind and will not be giving us any money then you need to be honest with us.

Twiglets1 · 18/02/2025 07:07

ThelittleBee · 18/02/2025 07:01

Iv never said she has bought or given me a house. She's offered me a large down payment needed to buy the rental I currently live in and has encouraged me to make plans with my landlord to go forward with this knowing I don't have the money myself.

Show quote history

You did in your title, DM offering me a house.

farmlife2 · 18/02/2025 07:07

OP, have you checked the exchange rate and whether there will be tax due on the amount transferred to you? You really need to check those things.

drhf · 18/02/2025 07:12

Don’t rush your mum. She’s taking a big risk giving up her mortgage-free home to throw her lot in with her partner. She needs time to work out if it’s really the right decision.

What are you going to do a few years down the line if her relationship doesn’t work out and she needs the money back?

BilboBlaggin · 18/02/2025 07:12

I'd be very wary of this. Even if your DM did eventually give you some money (and she sounds flaky and not reliable), what happens if things don't work out living with her partner? Is she going to demand the money back so she can buy herself somewhere to live if they split up?

Twiglets1 · 18/02/2025 07:14

drhf · 18/02/2025 07:12

Don’t rush your mum. She’s taking a big risk giving up her mortgage-free home to throw her lot in with her partner. She needs time to work out if it’s really the right decision.

What are you going to do a few years down the line if her relationship doesn’t work out and she needs the money back?

She won't be able to get the money back. OPs solicitor (on behalf of her lender) will require her to declare that the money is a gift and not expected to be repaid.

AlertCat · 18/02/2025 07:17

Yes, as pp said you need the conversation where you ask her if this specific figure is still where she is with her thinking, OR if the conversation doesn’t go that way, set the idea to the back of your mind for now.

RedJamDoughnut · 18/02/2025 07:24

Even with the conversation you can't guarantee anything until you have the money. I was told about granny's inheritance coming our way once we got settled... it never arrived.
If you do get the money please make sure you get in writing it is a gift.