DM offering me a house.

[ThelittleBee]

So I moved overseas some 10 years ago, and in that time my DM met her now DP and they decided to move in together. DM has asked me a couple of times about if I will be buying a place of my own, but I have explained to her that after footing the bill for mine and DH wedding last year and the country I reside in requiring a 20-25% deposit, that would not be happening any time soon. She then went on to tell me that since she has no mortgage any more, she will be selling her place to move into the new house that her DP purchased for them, and he will also be selling his. They jointly own the property but he paid for the majority of the mortgage on the new house which is also paid off directly. My DM then explained to me that her plan was to give me some off my nest egg early, basically the deposit I would need over here. It was a very generous and kind offer of her, and it would have a huge impact on where we will be in the future. Issue now is that my landlord has approached us about selling the property in the future, and asked if we would be interested in buying. We love our place, its the perfect first house for a small family, and the landlord is even happy to wait a couple of years if we wanted to rent to buy. This would be an amazing opportunity for us. The kicker is... that when I have mentioned this opportunity to my mum, she has congratulated us, expressed what an amazing opportunity it would be and has told us to go for it. I mentioned that we wouldnt have the 25% sadly and she said 'well I can help out a little when I get my stuff sorted' (as in finish moving in to new place ect). The problem is, with out it we simply don't have the deposit, not even half. This offer from her is the difference between a discussion happening and there being zero point even addressing the landlord with interest. I don't want to make her feel pressure about it, but I also am frightened to start agreeing to things I couldn't afford with out this 'early nest egg'. How do I broach it? Or do I just accept that although a lovely idea, some people can say things in the moment which were never going to happen?

@ThelittleBee you need to have an honest talk with your mother. She is probably thinking it is understood between the two of you that she is gifting you enough money for a deposit on the property so all is well.

I don't quite understand why you are concerned tbh, it sounds to me like she made her intention clear and your LL is not pressuring you time-wise. But it would reassure you to have a good talk with your mother and to hear her reiterate that she definitely plans to give you the amount you need.

I would not count on having that money until it is in your bank account.

Your DM sounds like a generous person, and like she wants to help and give you more, but the reality she probably doesn't have it to give.

Saying "she will give you a little" doesn't sound like it would be anywhere near what you would need, and you are aware that without her money, you cannot proceed.

I'd be having one last conversation with your DM to clarify:

• how much exactly she intends to give you
• when she intends to give this to you by

After the above conversation, I wouldn't ask her about it again as then you would be putting pressure on her. If the time passes when your DM said you would receive £x, you will have to accept the money is not coming when you need it, and anything you do get after that is a bonus.

Summary: Don't rely on getting this money or enter into any legal or verbal agreements until it is in your bank account!

Just ask her when you can have this nest egg? Remind her of inheritance tax if it's released close to her death. I don't think see what's wrong with asking? My fil offered us some money towards an operation. I had the operation and nothing was said or offered again! I told my husband to ring him and ask nicely when we could have it. Fil became flustered and gave us alot less than he said he would. We thanked him and used the money towards paying it off. It could be your mum has changed her mind, regarding how much she wants to gift you. But you'll never know unless you ask her now.

Oh God, my.mother has been promising me for 10 years a large sum of money from her house sale - 'just as soon as she gets the boxes sorted out'. I don't believe her any more.

She gets the short term dopamine rush of feeling generous, but doesn't actually follow through. Don't rely on the offer, OP.

This is what I fear. Shes given a specific number thats over the 100k I would need, and has encouraged me to take my landlord up on his offer of rent to buy, but hasn't once asked what his price for the house is, or mentioned it again beyond me saying he mentioned this deal to us. I said I cant afford it then suddenly it was 'well I can offer a little help once the house stuff all sorts'. Its daunting to agree to a deal I cant fulfill with out that sum she mentioned, but like many have said, I dont want to pressure her since shes still just moving in to her new place ect.

I had three funerals to pay for over the pandemic so yes, you are correct, I did have to fork out lots of money that should probably been better towards a deposit but someone had to pay for my father and his parents/ my grandparents to all be buried and I am their only family. Please be a little more compassionate when assuming people must be lavish living and pissing away their income.

If the intention is to sell her house, realistically she can't give you a figure until it is sold and she also doesn't know how long it is going to take to sell, so there's no way she can tell you when the money will be coming.

There are houses round me that have been on the market for 7 or 8 months. House selling is stressful enough without having the thought of family members waiting in the background.

She has said to you once she'll help you out, you've brought it up again and she has said she intends to do it. I genuinely don't think she can give you a timeframe, and I think you'd be ungracious to ask again.

You said the landlord isn't in a hurry, so what is the big deal?

In my experience there are always excuses as to why people haven't been able to buy. It's the coffee culture. Some people will never be fortunate enough to be in that position whatever they do. Others have children, pay for their wedding, buy/lease large cars etc etc ahead of saving and then claim they don't have enough for a deposit 🙄

ahhhh the coffee culture saying. Take it your a boomer! We didnt all have the luxury of having houses cost us 30k at the age of 20 ha!

No, just went without to get on the ladder.

Think its more about trying to get clarity on if it was a genuine offer or just a nice idea. Im not in a rush for it at all, but sitting down and agreeing on a rent to buy means that I have a couple of years before I would need to raise the funds, but obviously if that money was never to surface then I would be in a bad situation with making agreements with LL.

Sure you did. You could have probably bought a couple of houses back in your day by skipping on a weekly coffee!

As I said, you want someone else to bankroll your purchase.
I bought my first house by never going out, I didn't have a car, no meals out, no Netflix, no pub, no coffee shops, no mobile phone, no holidays, no boyfriend. That way I saved most of my salary for 3 years. Enough to put down a deposit. Then after a couple of years of rising house prices, I remortgaged for the deposit for my second.
As I said, in my experience a lot of people won't do that because it's a challenging 3 years.

@PrincessofWells where did you live while you were saving "most of" your salary?

God, you sound like me. Although I had a challenging 7 years, so you're obviously much better at it 😂

'no phone, no car'. Like I said, Boomer! 90% if People couldn't physically have a job with out a phone or car so I guess we are all just buggered for life!

“I bought my house for 3 grand, why can’t you!?”
starter houses costing 200,000 with 100,000 deposits required as standard

If only I hadn’t bought 100,000 coffees last year I would already be a millionaire. More fool us, eh!

I think you speak direct to your mum.
”Mum, you made an offer to release inheritance early so I could buy, and actually encouraged me to speak to my landlord! So I did, at your suggestion. Now my landlord is happy to be patient but I feel you’ve backtracked on your initial offer. I just want clarity to know if I should keep my landlord on the line, or if this isn’t going to be feasible I can let him know we will continue to rent.”

Exactly this. I brought from my land lord and it was a brilliant way of buying. I knew the house and saved a fortune on removal costs etc.

This is hilarious.

after a couple of years of rising house prices I sold to fund my second

And after another two decades of rising house prices and not-rising wages how much do you think your initial starter home is worth now? 😂 JFC people have no idea.

Just tread with caution - I have seen similar offers before between family members getting pulled (sometimes last minute), leaving the indebted party in a tricky situation. Where money is concerned sometimes even family can surprise you.

Actually lots of people do and the early noughties quite a few people didn't have phones.

But you do you, and live in rented until you can bum off your mother.

early 00s!! hahahaha! you are showing your age here my LORD!

I guess my 4 properties trump your rental 🏘🏡 🤣

It sounds like she has offered some money early but possibly not to the extent of the 20/25% you’ll need WHEN she has sorted her own home.

Now it seems like you’re charging in wanting 25% asap. Your landlord is happy to wait so why not start saving or look elsewhere so they aren’t wasting their time.