I probably am being unreasonable but i need to vent.....

[smileitlightsupyourface]

I have an "friend" who is on benefits. She receives universal credit, PIP ( for MS) and has a car on the motability scheme. I know she has MS and has bad days but she lives a very active life...goes to the gym regularly, goes on active days out with the children each week and has a very active social life. This friend has literally never ever worked a job. She had kids young and has always been on benefits. Her dc have expensive hobbies such as horse riding and golf and are also season ticket holders at a premiership football club. She has none of the dc fathers on the scene and her family don't have much to do with them. She is constantly posting pictures on social media of her dc doing their hobbies and expensive days out. They are currently on a very expensive long haul holiday for half term. Its really starting to grate on me that she doesn't work and never has but lives this type of lifestyle while i work full time and as well as being constantly knackered i would struggle to afford her lifestyle. I know im being unreasonable but she seems very tone deaf when posting all this stuff on social media when so many are struggling to pay bills. I really don't want to be bitter but its winding me up!

Child maintenance payments don't count as income for any benefits, including Universal Credit (which OP's "friend" is getting in addition to PIP).

You need to focus on yourself, and stop having envy. Her spending & ££ is none of your business.

Bottom line OP, do you want to give up your job and be on benefits (while also being a single mother and having MS)? I'm assuming you don't and I assume you're very grateful you have the qualifications and health to do the job you do and that you can take pride in earning a living from. If you have an involved and caring family, extra bonus..

I would focus on my own life and I'd be very clear to the gossiping mothers that I don't want to be part of their lovely chat..

Having watched one of my parents die from MS and be disabled for 20 years, to the extent they couldn't eat, drink, see or speak. Or use the toilet. I think you are incredibly ignorant.

Mind your own. MS is shit.

Yes, this.
I have a friend who has MS. She lives for her holidays (she goes on small cruises and coach trips).
Her last coach trip, she could not get up the steps onto the coach, so had to abort it and go home. She didn't realise that her previous trip would have been her last one. She has had to quit her WFH job as she can no longer see her PC monitor and the apps on it. To make up for her wage shortfall, had to give up her Motability car, so her world is even smaller now.
Her son is her carer. He lives with her and has never worked (he is in his 30s)... has what she assumes is undiagnosed ASD. When she is gone, how will he manage?
She is living on benefits now.

I imagine OP's friend will also be worried about her own children as her MS progresses. All the UC and PIP money in the world wont help with that.

Another vivid account of what living with a disability (specifically, lupus) is like - thank you for sharing it and I hope you continue to live the best life you can in spite of all your difficulties and pain. 🤗

I don't have MS but I am losing the ability to walk with a similar condition. Sometimes I seem 'normal' as I push through the pain because I get fed up. It's people like you that make me nervous to ever speak about it in the first place.

And I am on benefits as a single mother, would I swap that for having my ex husband back? Yes.

Did I ask to have triple the money than when I was married? No.

It came with the fact I became single on benefits and receive child maintenance.

If it makes you any happier she is probably lying awake at night, wondering how destitute she will be when the child tax credit elements are gone, and she still has ill health but now a practically unemployable gap in the CV and no prospects. No savings above £6000 and still renting.

Oooo she'll probably be poverty stricken in old age AND disabled.

Does that make you feel warm inside op?

It's a funny old life isn't it, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't with these fucking conditions. I tell people and they reject me, I don't tell people and they look aghast that I suddenly can't walk up some stairs or have to stop after 5 minutes.

I'm sorry, you want kudos because you haven't been even more unpleasant about someone you claim to consider a friend? Well, I've heard it all now.

You seem to have no understanding of MS either, it's a bit more than being 'poorly' ffs. Isn't it a pity people can't swap lives, then you could have your friend's life that you seem to think is so fab, complete with her longterm incurable debilitating condition. I'm sure she'd swap in a heartbeat.

Be careful what you wish for.

I disagreed with you but I kind of saw your point until you said this.

My son is autistic and will probably never contribute to the system but he will need to take from it.

He might never achieve formal qualifications, he might never have meaningful friendships, he might never have a relationship, and unless he can find an employer who is willing to go above and beyond to accomodate him, he'll probably never work.

Why should someone's worthiness of being supported by our benefit system be reliant on them having contributed towards it? Can you not see the ableism in this?

Dd

This (about the curated side) is a really good point. I don't have MS but I do have other longterm conditions that impact what I can cope with day to day, and while I can't claim my life is as hard as that of someone with MS, my social media profiles definitely reflect the good days and that actually helps my mental health, to be able to look back on the good stuff during tough times. Celebrating those times is extra important when there's chronic ill health in the mix.

I'm disabled with a hidden disability & don't work because of it. I would like to think I have some insights.

She probably has good days & bad. The gym & keeping active may well be a constant fight to maintain her current abilities.

You only see when she looks well. Most of my family & friends have no idea how bad it is for me so you will have no idea. And social media is what we want people to see!

If she isn't working due to disability & gets full UC for 2 kids + maintenance she will have a decent enough income.

I was always better off working & I would give any money to have my health back.

You sound frustrated with your life but tbh if you feel this way, you should probably stop being her "friend"

Some of the most common causes of death in MS patients are secondary complications resulting from immobility, chronic urinary tract infections, compromised swallowing and breathing.

Still envy your mate OP?

So scary. That's how mine will kill me in the end. Either lung function or swallow. Damn right I will push myself when I can. I'm terrified.

Sorry to be dark there. Not many chances to say it.

Sorry to post that - I'm aware it's frightening. My relative lives with MS. The idea that people like OP are quietly resenting her horrifies me.

Go ahead @sparrowhae. I think there are many people who need to hear the truth of it, bluntly stated. They really think that a bit of cash for days out wipes all of that out. Lay it on them.

The only person who’s tone deaf is you with this thread. Come back to us in 2 years and 5 years time and let us know how your “friend” is doing. Bet you won’t be so jealous then. Absolutely sick in the head to begrudge someone with this absolutely ghastly hellish condition a half decent existence before it goes to shit.

She definitely isn’t funding all that on benefits OP.

so either she’s getting a hell of a lot of maintenance from their dads orrrr she’s got another income source you don’t know about, my DH is disabled and he's never been able to afford to live on disability benefits and works full time.

I think it’s easy to compare our lives with others on SM, however it isn’t real life.

I'm sure she has parents, a former partner, siblings, other family members that have contributed to the system. Some people are born never able to contribute. We have a social system where we look after those who are less fortunate than us. That's a good thing. Yes, some will put in more than others. That's just how it is. One day you may need to call on them yourself. I've seen enough of life to know how very unpredictable it is.

Also, there are more ways to contribute in society than just through taxes. Maybe she does some of those and you're lacking in those areas?