To say you should ‘Tiger’ children on their strengths?

[User14March]

A friend telling me no primary school child will willingly push themselves so our duty to push?

Thing is to find what they are naturally good at and double down there, be it music, sport, dance or academics? Surely not always obvious where inclinations & passions lie early on though?

Or let kids be kids. I've seen kids pushed to their strengths and ot most often doesn't work out. Support their efforts, finance and facilitate their hobbies if possible and see where it takes them.

No, you should not "tiger" children on anything. Create opportunities for them, encourage and support them, yes, but once you start forcing them, you kill all the passion and pleasure.

The reality is that most people who are good at sport/music/history/whatever will only ever be able to enjoy it as a hobby. If they are in the tiny percentage able to go on and make a career from it, you won’t need to push them, they’ll push themselves. Just chill out a bit.

My son pushed himself.

He signed up for music lessons without askjng and I found out when I got the bill!

What you are good at is not necessarily what you enjoy. Being forced into anything is not a positive.
Suitable encouragement and facilitating it could be.

Providing a wide range of opportunities and experiences so they can learn where their joy and enthusiasm is, is a great thing.
Being forced to focus on just one thing you show promise in at the expense of others is often a road to resentment, or getting burnt out in those activities.

At primary age I think they should be discovering a wide range of what the world has to offer, so they can choose to specialise later if they wish.

If they have a burning passion for one thing, you won't need to push them. If they don't, you pushing is about what you want, not what they do.

This Mum was very openly saying she never pushed herself and her parents were of the ‘long as you tried your best’ variety. She’s about balance it’s not just nose to the grindstone, but says young kids need something of a kick or won’t bother very much. Her older teens are very self motivated & she’s hands off completely with them now. Her strategy seems to have works.

My family are musical and my DD is. I wouldn't say I 'push' her, but I have encouraged her to try piano, then try another instrument. She now plays two and so has two lots of lessons and practice to do.

She doesn't want to practise very often, but she doesn't want to give up - I would say I push her to practice but I definitely don't agree with 'tigering' and I don't make her do hours a day.
(I'm talking 5-10 mins every other day....)

I have to say re: older kids I know all the ‘tame’ Tiger mums have the kids at ‘best’ Universities. So they must have been doing something right or simply have the genetically smarter more determined kids?

I'm an ambitious person and want my kids to be their best at whatever their love is. You wouldn't let your little kids decide what to eat everyday, when they have baths, brush their teeth etc becuase that makes them happy, so why would you let them drift into their career?

I can understand her logic. But I do think there can be a downside.
I danced as a child, and at first I loved it. According to my teacher I was good, and she encouraged my parents to put me in more lessons, encourage extra practice, really make dance a priority. With my parents’ encouragement, I worked so hard. But not necessarily because I was ‘pushing’ myself, but because I felt so much pressure not to let anyone (mainly myself) down.

I do have a really strong work ethic, and I’m very self-motivated. But I’m also a terrible people pleaser who worries constantly about doing my best. It also destroyed my love of dance. I went from the 6 year old who used to put her dance uniform on an hour before the lesson, because I was so excited, to the 10 year old who hated half term, because days would be taken up with practice. A friend and I went to an adult ballet class a few years ago, and the joy I felt doing what I loved with no pressure was indescribable. I’m a little bit resentful that they took that from me as a child.

I think it's better to be broad spectrum pushy and not land on one particular interest, instrument or hobby to the exclusion of all else and which is almost always led by the parent anyway.

Yes, the reason I didn't go to Oxbridge - and therefore have failed in life - is because my mum didn't identify the things I was good at, and make me hate them, when i was at primary school.

Agree @Upstartled I think she was saying to us if simply not academic not wise/fair to double down there but to develop & encourage elsewhere.

If a kid has music lessons in primary school, it’ll be much easier to pick up another instrument that they actually like in secondary.

Likewise a team sport if they’ve done another sport, a water sport if they’ve done swimming lessons, debate if they’ve done drama and are used to be on a stage, gymnastics if they’ve done dance and so on.

Have any extracurricular helps them become more rounded.

These parents want reflected glory. They will happily sacrifice their DC’s childhood to make themselves look good.

@Leeto888 someone said to me ‘our children are reflections of us’ or her feeling was they should be. I think most of us hope they’ll embody our best values but not ‘mini mes’ who we live vicariously through.

@Leeto888 do you think that’s pretty universally the case?

Dunno

I have a friend who was 'pushed' as a child and she's now retired comfortably at 40. She has investments properties that she lives off, which she paid for with her high paying job as an engineer (which her parents pushed her to become)

I would replace "tiger" with support and encourage. Sadly I feel that many parents don't see that as part of their job

All kids should have a couple of hobbies in my opinion. Hard to find the time and money for it nowadays though, for a lot of families. Life shouldn’t just be school, work and screens.

Depends what you mean by tiger and the temperament of the child. I was naturally gifted at swimming but just didn’t haven’t the attitude to succeed at higher levels, I’d have wilted if my mum had pushed me

Our DC will probably reflect our values and the things we’ve taught them but I see too many DC pushed because of parental ambitions. Truly gifted people will always find a way to succeed.

A friend telling me no primary school child will willingly push themselves so our duty to push?
Well that's not my experience. My children all found hobbies and interests that they were passionate about without being "pushed". My DD decided that she wanted dance lessons at the age of two having seen a ballet class on a tv programme and went on and on about it incessantly until I gave in. I certainly didn't need to push her - if anything I tried to rein her in! My younger DS plays two sports, neither of which either DH or I has any prior interest in. One he went along to a local club friend when he was still in infant school and was instantly hooked, the other he saw a poster for a club on the school noticeboard when he was about. He's still playing both at University now. Middle child took a bit longer to find his interests but happily tried a few things till he found what he enjoyed.
In my experience even quite young children will put in effort to improve at activities which they enjoy. It's the parents' job to offer experiences and support their child if they do find something they're passionate about , but if you're having to continually push a child to do something it's probably the wrong thing. Yes, of course all children need a bit of steering and encouragement at times but persistently pushing a child in a direction that they don't have a genuine interest in tends not to end well, even if they are good at it. I coach a sport and have seen that scenario play out often enough to know that I didn't want to make the same mistake with my children.

This can enormously backfire and really damage the child, turning them into a troubled underachiever. Also, read up on extrinsic versus intrinsic motivation.

Or they were self motivators naturally.
I have 3 kids who were raised the same and I didn’t even have to remind the middle one to do her homework or study for a test because she’d do it herself - even at age 5.