To say you should ‘Tiger’ children on their strengths?

[User14March]

A friend telling me no primary school child will willingly push themselves so our duty to push?

Thing is to find what they are naturally good at and double down there, be it music, sport, dance or academics? Surely not always obvious where inclinations & passions lie early on though?

As pp said what you’re good at doesn’t always match what you enjoy and being a tiger parent can cause the child issues with self esteem, perfectionism, anxiety..,

I guess we need some stories from parents of exceptional kids here eg Olympians. If the kid said that they wanted to quit their sport would the parent have supported that decision ?

@Snorlaxo True, but she thinks the early push & very high expectations/no prisoners. approach has definitely created committed, interested self starters. They thank her for it.

How does she know they wouldn’t have been self-starters in any event? Sounds a bit narcissistic to me.

How many UK kids at ‘top’ Unis had laissez-faire parents? Not that that’s always the best/ultimate goal but I can say in a very wide circle, anecdotally, ALL there had parents who ‘pushed’ & certainly had high expectations to a greater or lesser extent have children who got there.

And how well have her dc done? International sports people? Millionaire businesses? Top doctors, lawyers etc?

Where would you say is a top university?

@Leeto888 time will tell. She’s a good person & kids seem great.

I've always been of the opinion that I encourage them to try things as I'm keen that they find their "thing". Something they're good at or just enjoy outside the school setting. But I always tell them if they hate it they don't have to do it. Everything is optional other than school (until the period of time I've paid for is over anyway!!)
I have one child who is very gifted at something and does a LOT of practice both officially and in her own time, unprompted. I have another child who quits things very easily and has never kept anything up.
Both treated the same.

I regret not "pushing" the "quitter"a bit more. I think they would have found something if they stuck at it longer. I don't regret how I went about things with the other child.. they didn't need pushing. One size doesn't fit all.

Yeah I think this sounds like any parenting success/piece of luck which works for some and not for others. Like "I sleep trained mine and they all slept perfectly", "I didn't sleep train and they all slept perfectly", "I weaned them this way and they are all adventurous eaters", "I weaned them another way and they are all adventurous eaters". I don't think she's stumbled upon an amazing hack.

@Leeto888 generally as per RG etc & UK rankings.

i’m not sure what this means. Do you mean any RG university?

@Greenfencebrowntree I hear you & all bets definitely off with neurodiversity where too an extreme approach might be particularly harmful IMO.

It is the high expectations bit. We seem to have a culture of low expectations/accepting "good enough". Not everyone can be an Olympian but each person has strengths and surely as parents it is up to us to help our children discover, and work on, their strengths?

One thing that I think is really important is that children feel a sense of accomplishment that does not come from impressing anyone else. My children are both high achieving in academic and creative subjects, but I believe that if my DCs are not successful for themselves, they will never feel rewarded.
I don't want them to spend their lives seeking my approval.

@Thingsthatgo yes, being the best they can be so that more doors are open & there are more opportunities & potential pathways.

Personally if your child is in a state primary and you can afford it I think music lessons, a second language and extra maths are all well worth paying for. As well as sport. Children going to private prep schools will be doing all those things.

I think primary is too young to do this, ar that age, trying different activities and finding out what they enjoy is more important.

But, I think it’s fine to set expectations for teenagers and encourage them to set expectations for themselves. If something doesn’t work out, they figure out a new path and move on. The important lesson is not to be lazy or give up easily.

My DS (16) is doing well in athletics this year, not because he’s destined for the Olympics, but because he puts in the practice, does all the works outs, etc. His coach has pointed him out to the team as someone who persists and gets results.

Neither DH nor I are pushing him to do this, but we do have expectations generally in how our children behave, academic effort, etc. I think some expectations, plus plenty of support, aren’t a bad thing.

If your child is in state school then you usually also need to supplement with additional sports and outdoor activities

Yes kids should be pushed and given purpose. Let them work hard and accomplish stuff and let them play hard too. Keep them busy and active.
This white western thing of not pushing kids, not “stressing” them, letting them “be kids” which seems to mean just lying around relaxing or colouring and not putting any element of pressure on them to achieve anything, the elevation of good mental health above everything else (and thinking the way to achieve good mental health is to make no demands) has lead to the exact opposite, a generation of kids with their mental health and resilience in the gutter, kids who cannot even cope with going to school. Young adults who cannot go to work in their droves because of mental health.
The happiest kids I know are pushed academically, pushed in sports and music, they are kept very busy, they sleep and eat well because they are knackered at bedtime and hungry from physical exercise, they have minimal screen time because frankly they don’t have the time, and when they have holidays and downtime they really enjoy it as well. Kids are tough and resilient if you let them be. If you remove every demand then they will think theh can’t cope with anything.

I agree that too much spare time spent doom scrolling contributes massively to the mental health epidemic in both adults + children.
Getting your kids outdoors in all weathers so they are physically tired is missing from so many childrens' lives nowadays.

We used to be exhausted at night from playing out, not being taken to lessons to be taught things.

Having older dc who have objectively done well if the calibre of university is what we are measuring it by, I’ve been struck at how many YP from high achieving backgrounds have big problems. A lot of the girls from highly academic schools have eating disorders. Also noticed a lot of them have ADHD or bipolar. Maybe problems from being pushed only become apparent in later years. I don’t think we can discount the impact Covid and the rise of social media has had on them either.

I think I land on that spectrum. Maybe soft tiger mum. I want my kids to read and will enable that (go to the library, buy the books or magazines they like), play one instrument (and encourage practicing most days) and do at least one sport in addition to swimming. Swimming is non negotiable until they are confident swimmers.

I happily pay for anything else they want to do on top and drive them there (dance classes etc). If they want to stop something, they have to finish the paid sessions at least.

They are very privileged and I want them to make the most of these opportunities that they have.

I think it depends on the personality of the child. But I do agree that providing access to extra opportunities and helping the child know how to work is really important. The amount you intervene should change over time too. Young children just need loads of time to play and the only 'extra' is reading and maybe swimming lessons. As they get older, they often need more structured hobbies to occupy them, particularly if they are bright.

We've been pretty relaxed with ours but they've been given the opportunities to try anything they fancied and always had several activities on the go until their mid-teens. They're now at uni and one wishes we'd pushed more and I think we should have pushed more with the other. However, that's more about the teenage years; they did plenty of exploring at primary.