To say you should ‘Tiger’ children on their strengths?

[User14March]

A friend telling me no primary school child will willingly push themselves so our duty to push?

Thing is to find what they are naturally good at and double down there, be it music, sport, dance or academics? Surely not always obvious where inclinations & passions lie early on though?

Agreed.

There are also students at good universities whose Mums aren't 'Tigers' just generally supportive.

I don't believe in 'tigering' kids.
Just let them enjoy their childhood. There will be enough pressure in their lives when they are older.
There is nothing wrong with nurturing them and helping them develop their talents but it should always be led by them. I think it's very sad when children are forced to carry on with something they don't want to do at the expense of their friendships and just being allowed to play.

@Whoarethoseguys I think personally I’d have benefitted from more routine, order, some disciplined expectations in primary years. Not OTT though. Good habits definitely embedded then.

Another crucial part about “setting expectations” is to also teach the child that it’s not the end of the world if something goes wrong or they don’t do well. They can pick themselves back up and work out another way forward.

We were v. proud of DD (19) when she said that a particular class hadn’t gone well and she’s got a C+ (we’re in the US). She had a good cry, we suggested speaking to her advisor who said that she could retake the class during the summer, so that’s what she’s doing. She’s since discovered that several people are retaking it, as it’s really tough!

What’s worrying is when a young adult doesn’t know how to handle doing less well than they’d hoped and perhaps harms themselves.

And maybe it wouldn't have made any difference. It's impossible to say now saying that as an adult in hindsight
We seem to have a mental health crisis among adolescents, many more seem to suffer with extreme anxiety (I have seen this myself as I am an exam invigilator) I'm sure it's because of the tiger mother attitude, and the highly controlling atmosphere at many secondary schools now. They might get good grades but there is much more to life than good grades
Btw both my children did get good A levels and degrees from Russell Group Universities. And have successful careers now. I was never a Tiger Mum

What idiot music teacher would give lessons without having parent's permission or evidence e of their willingness and ability to pay?

@Whoarethoseguys ’Tiger mothers’ even ‘tamed’ ones are in the minority IME.

@Octavia64 My DS (16) did the same thing with his piano teacher. He took a break last year as he wasn’t managing his time well…but then he texted her last autumn and said that he was more organized now. He informed me of the day/time afterwards. 😂

We’d previously said that we’d be fine if he wanted to start up again, I just assumed that I’d be arranging the lessons, not him. 🤣

@Whoarethoseguys Do you think teens are more anxious because they’re told that everything rides on these exams?

I hope not, because it’s not even true- retakes are always an option if they’re not happy with their results.

To a certain extent yes, but not where it has a detrimental effect. Our son for example is a danger and plays rugby, the moaning and complaining about going is constant, yet when he’s there he enjoys it and he spends the rest of the day talking about rugby, or if its dance he’ll then practice loads at home. If we didn’t ignore the moaning he wouldn’t still be doing either of them. If he moaned, didn’t enjoy practice and then moaned afterwards he of course wouldn’t do it anymore.

We do have some musts, one is playing an instrument, he’s picked the piano, he doesn’t love it, but he doesn’t hate it either, if he hated it again we would find something else.

I don’t agree either that everything should be led by them. Kids don’t have the life experience to know what is out there, what happens if you’re fed up but persevere, how much work you need to put in to see a result etc.

No. I did this with my one DC who was good at an extra curricular activity. Spent thousands of pounds and hours of time over a period of about 8 years until one day they didn't want to do it anymore so that was that. In all honesty, they were good, but not the sort of exceptional needed to make a career out of it. They did greatly enjoy it while it lasted so it wasn't all wasted, but if I had my time over again I'd have taken it less seriously. Real talent that's worth pushing at the expence of other things is pretty rare. Most children will only ever be in the range of 'ordinarily' good at their thing, and you can make life pretty miserable trying to force it. Better to strive for balance with wide ranging interests for most.

So my parents were the opposite of tigers and used reverse psychology on me. If I said I didn't want to go to school they'd say "Okay then don't go." At which point I always would because although I didn't want to go I was a goody two shoes and too scared not to!

They weren't super interested in me so I had to learn to do a lot of stuff myself, it always amazed me that my friends had parents help them with (or even do) their homework for them.

I spent a lot of time on my own because they preferred it if I didn't do clubs or socialise etc.

I don't think either extreme is healthy.

But at the end of the day the kids who I know were tigered and pushed lost their own way when they were adults. My OH, while fully independent, struggles to manage his time or leave at the right time for things because he got so used to being herded out by his mum for xyz whenever needed, it was all stage managed for him.

I have very strong intrinsic motivation whereas tigered peers I know don't. As adults they often have strong people pleasing tendencies or are waiting for someone else to tell them what to do. They are good by-the-book employees, they are not business owners or big success stories, because being great at hockey or tennis at school doesn't get you anywhere, and memorising things for exams doesn't really help in the real world (except sometimes in academia).

@gettingtothebottomofit Not sure whether I’m using the terms correctly, but that sounds like “helicopter parenting” to me, where the parents are overly involved and controlling of their children’s lives.

Sounds awful, your poor DH.

I have a friend like this.
Her poor daughter is nothing but a performing monkey.

Your friend is a blithering idiot.

hth

Support and encourage but don't push. I bloody hate pushy parents - usually backfires one way or another, anyway.

It depends what the goal is.

If u want your kid at a top uni or to be a top athlete or top musician or whatever, and don't care about the cost to their happiness and future personality and relationships, then push push push! Of course you'll see the results you r looking for.

But personally I will measure the success of my parenting by how happy and well balanced and kind and thoughtful and able to maintain good relationships my children are as 20/30/40/50 year old adults ...

We went the grammar school route (not UK). The schools we chose were quite tigery - high expectations. The average school leaving scores saw 80% of students finishing with top 5% in the state scores. My three scored relatively low at 93, 93.8 and 94.6 respectively. Before anybody shouts - they all LOVED school.

I am the opposite of a tiger mother - I never once nagged about homework, made declarations about school attendance, forced participation in sport and cultural activities. I did not have to. We run a very very casual shop with an emphasis on taking responsibility for themselves.

It has been very worthwhile - they are all at Uni (Psychology, Medicine & Design). Their schools gave them the skills (not just book learning) to thrive and were worth every penny.

I think maybe I push a bit. If they show an interest in something I will bring them to classes. If they suddenly want to drop out, I might insist them to stay till the end of term because sometimes they come around to it again. Swimming in non negotiable, same with doing a sport. If I see them struggling at school I either help them or get them help, same with anything they might struggle with that I think is important.

I think pushing them to be the best is wrong. I hope I am giving them the resources and giving them a little push so they can reach their own potential and be happy with themselves.

It depends on the child whether they push themselves or if they gain from being pushed.

One of mine pushed themselves, one was pointless to push as they'd stop entirely, one could be bribed if they saw a way forward and enjoyed it enough.

I have known where pushing has worked e.g. A rule that they had to do 20 mins practice a day has taken them to 4 grade 8s and beyond.

I have known where pushing has just resulted in them feeling they have failed because they weren't The Best and they gave up.

‘Tiger ‘ them to do what???
inhave one very self motivated, and one that needs constant encouragement pushing but there’s no tigering…
it’s up to US to raise our kids. Not school.

I want my child to have the the same opportunities as the kids at the local prep schools so she has music lessons, does more academic work at home, especially maths (her strength) and competes in a sport she absolutely loves (which I would allow her quit for another sport if she desires). She will be competing with the kids from the prep schools for senior school places.