4yo "doesn't feel beautiful"

[safira]

Posting for traffic... Where the hell have I gone wrong?

4yo DD has started saying she's not beautiful unless she has a "great outfit", or even worse if she's not painted her face with (children's) makeup.

She's always loved dressing up and princesses and has insisted on choosing her own clothes since she could express herself. But it seems to have taken a horrible turn recently - she says she wishes her face was a different shape, that she didn't have curly hair, that she hates her name because it's not "beautiful".

I have no idea where it's coming from. I barely ever wear makeup and am almost always in jeans or sweats. She's not watching shit on YouTube or anything like that. I just feel like I'm utterly failing her - I didn't think I'd be dealing with this for years.

What the hell do I do? I've obviously focused hard on the "being beautiful inside is all that matters" message, but it's not hitting the mark. Do I take away all of her makeup/dress up stuff? She loves her kiddie makeup, nail varnish etc and I've never really had an issue with her playing with it at home - I've been really careful about what kind of stuff she has and it's all the hypoallergenic stuff. But maybe I should never have let her have it in the first place. I really want to nip this in the bud, but I just have no idea how. Please help.

Is she in reception? Is she copying things she has heard at school?

Personally I wouldn’t allow a four year old to have make up or nail varnish (even toy versions).

I wouldn't make a big deal about it and just continue as you are, encouraging her that's she is beautiful as she is.

At 4 I would think those were things she was repeating from someone else rather than her true feelings she'd thought of on her own

Is she at nursery/ school? I’d assume it was coming from there. Not thinking nursery teachers saying “oh you look beautiful today, I love your sparkly top!” as a child comes in the door. Or a teacher commenting on a pretty hair clip. A perfectly normal comment but could be taken the wrong way.

Or from the other children. They do comment on each others clothes and hairstyles.

Maybe worth dropping an email to the school/ nursery. I once had a class with a boy with long hair and girl with short hair and had to do lots of work on “Yes, lots of boys have long hair”, “Girls have short hair too.” The other children didn’t mean it to come across as rude and we got there eventually!

I was always surprised at how strongly influenced my DD was at nursery along similar lines. Does she go to nursery? If so, might be worth a conversation with her key worker to see if they can help. I have personally never allowed makeup or nail varnish, totally unnecessary at that age. Dressing up i think is fine, but not makeup, high heels etc. That said, I doubt allowing access to makeup is what has caused her to feel like that, she'll have picked it up somewhere else.

How the world moves on. Children's make-up and nail polish at 4? Is it surprising the child is obsessing over her appearance though probably picked up at school?

I am shocked.

Yes she's at pre-school. They've got a uniform (joggers and sweatshirts) there, so hadn't thought of that as a source of the outfit chat, but maybe the wider stuff is coming from chats with other kids

I have a 4 year old and I'll paint her nails vrry occasionally but would not allow make up. She's got her whole life ahead to think about it and she's so young. Honestly you should come down hard on this and take away the make up etc.

She needs to lose the makeup.

How many mirrors do you have in your house?

We only had one growing up and even then I had to stand on a little stool to reach it 🤣

No make up for a child that age, take it away.

Well if you’re not into makeup then she’s got the idea from somewhere - so if you’re certain it’s not YouTube etc, and it’s not coming from family then chances are it’s something she’s heard at nursery. Possibly other kids or possibly she’s parroting stuff she’s hearing or overhearing from nursery workers.

And yes, I’d be getting rid of make up and nail varnish. Expressing herself through choosing her clothes (within reason) is age appropriate, thinking she needs makeup absolutely isn’t.

At 4, tbh I'd play it right down. Acknowledge as briefly as you can then distract. "I don't look beautiful." "You look absolutely perfect for going to school. Would you like to do (whatever) when I pick you up?" Etc. Try to avoid giving it too much airtime, reassuring or going along with it as you'll only increase the importance of it. I'd also be trying to widen her range of interests, experience and friendships, as this intensity at this age is likely to be highly influenced by the children she is spending time with.

I'm not sure I'd overly worry about this. I think a lot of little girls at nursery age get into princesses / skirts / being girly. One of mine was like this, then she's been through various phases including wearing more "boyish" things (minecraft, mario etc), and now age 10 mostly wears leggings/jeans and t-shirt.

None of it was influenced by me as I don't wear much make up.

I would continue as you are, putting the focus on other things, but I wouldn't suddenly ban the things she likes either.

I would be so concerned about this. A 4 year old shouldn't be thinking about what they look like at all.
I dont agree that she must have heard it somewhere, she may have heard it somewhere, or she may just be looking at her own face in the mirror, putting on make up, comparing her appearance to people she sees on TV, cartoons etc.
Absolutely take away the make up. Take away the mirrors. Cut TV and screens tight down, ideally off altogether. Play outside, with interactive toys, drawing etc. She'll obviously push back but too bad. It's not ok for a 4 year old to be worrying about this stuff.

This is tough. It's fine to focus on the 'inside beauty is important' message but make sure you tell her that you think she IS beautiful too, just as she is, no make up needed of course. My parents never ever commented on appearance, which was probably done with good intentions, but sort of had the effect of making it seem like they thought we were not beautiful. Everyone should feel beautiful to someone!

This is quite sad. I am sure she actually is quite gorgeous but why is she placing such an emphasis on being beautiful? I think you will need to work very hard to boost her self esteem as I know my granddaughters have had issues at primary school with other kids and silly bitchy remarks. Girls seem quite mean to each other.

Mine is the same - 'I only like beautiful things! I want to be beautiful!' - ie wear sparkly pink unicorn dresses and hair bows every day. (So that's what we do!)

If she's saying she's 'not beautiful,' I would sit down and chat with her about what that means and why she feels that way.

I don’t know what’s happened but it is worrying. Who says that everyone should worry about being‘beautiful’? Most people are not beautiful, inside or out, and that’s fine. Being an ordinary flawed person with both good and bad qualities is plenty.

I think the make up thing started when she realised I was wearing make up in my wedding photos which we have hanging up. She's so not used to seeing me in make up that when she realised that's why I looked different (along with being 10 years younger and wearing a wedding dress!), she decided that wearing make up makes you beautiful. I didn't really see it as any different from face paint, because I only ever let her put it on when she was dressing up.

But today she had a real wobble because she wanted to wear it with normal clothes and I said no.

The whole thing just makes me so sad. She's obviously the most beautiful girl in the world to me, and I tell her so regularly (alongside being clever, working hard, being strong, a good friend etc etc). I thought I was so on top of this bit of having a girl, but today I feel so lost.

I've obviously focused hard on the "being beautiful inside is all that matters" message, but it's not hitting the mark

Make sure you add in that she absolutely is beautiful, not just on the inside. Everyone wants to know that someone in the world loves every aspect of them!

I think one way to approach it is through stories. We try to get them books with strong capable female characters or a great message to discuss. One of the recent ones was Midnight Panther which would fit the brief as the panther doesn't feel beautiful like the other animals at first until he discovers his special talents.

I was discussing the topic of young girls looking 'pretty' the other day with a friend. We've both got 4 year old daughters who like to dress up in sparkly things. We agreed that although it's nice to acknowledge when they've put special effort into their clothing (which before someone jumps down my throat, yes kids do sometimes want to put effort into their clothing accessorise it etc!), saying 'you look nice' or 'you look pretty' is uncomfortable because it seems to imply that they need to do that to look good, whereas they're obviously just as beautiful in a muddy tracksuit. We settled on the word 'fancy' instead. So they always look pretty/beautiful but only sometimes do they look fancy.
PS I think that a lot of the talk of being beautiful or not will come from peers at school, which it's very hard to insulate from sadly :(

There is a really good book on self image/body image for this age group called Minnie and Max are OK. It was written by an expert on body image in the primary years. Definitely helped my youngest.

I think this is a great shout. Anything that prompts discussion where you can challenge the misconception she has about make-up = beautiful. Wreck it Ralph 2 was very handy for me when my 3 year old went through a "I can only wear a dress because princesses only wear dresses" phase. (Spoiler that there's lots of princesses wearing comfy clothes!). We just talked a lot over quite a while about how anyone can wear anything, etc. etc. etc and she wears variety of clothes now. Don't despair! I paint my DD's nails occasionally, but I'd personally be tempted for the makeup to disappear and spend time with her doing lots of active things outdoors so her appearance is the last thing on her mind.

@safira you wore make-up on your wedding day because you were a grown up getting married. Your dd is not a grown up and does not need make up.

I have always worn make-up every single day. DD didn't have make-up as a 4 year old. I taught her how to use it when she was a teenager. She hardly wears it.

No child needs makeup. Just as no child needs pierced ears.

How do you talk about yourself? Could she be repeating anything you've said in a self-deprecating way? My DD at around 3 or 4 started saying really awful things about herself and I was horrified when I realised she was actually parroting self deprecating things I'd said about myself. It feels false at first but making an effort to confidently point out how beautiful you look in your jeans and no make up might help her to think differently. I had to really change how I spoke about myself. Also she just might not fully comprehend the word beautiful and is using it to mean sparkly/in fancy dress. Could you swap the makeup for face paint?