4yo "doesn't feel beautiful"

[safira]

Posting for traffic... Where the hell have I gone wrong?

4yo DD has started saying she's not beautiful unless she has a "great outfit", or even worse if she's not painted her face with (children's) makeup.

She's always loved dressing up and princesses and has insisted on choosing her own clothes since she could express herself. But it seems to have taken a horrible turn recently - she says she wishes her face was a different shape, that she didn't have curly hair, that she hates her name because it's not "beautiful".

I have no idea where it's coming from. I barely ever wear makeup and am almost always in jeans or sweats. She's not watching shit on YouTube or anything like that. I just feel like I'm utterly failing her - I didn't think I'd be dealing with this for years.

What the hell do I do? I've obviously focused hard on the "being beautiful inside is all that matters" message, but it's not hitting the mark. Do I take away all of her makeup/dress up stuff? She loves her kiddie makeup, nail varnish etc and I've never really had an issue with her playing with it at home - I've been really careful about what kind of stuff she has and it's all the hypoallergenic stuff. But maybe I should never have let her have it in the first place. I really want to nip this in the bud, but I just have no idea how. Please help.

Tell her that she's beautiful to you but more importantly that she's clever/brave/imaginative/whatever (explain why you think that) and that these things are far more important than how she looks.

I would completely cut out any talk about her appearance. Don't use the words beautiful or pretty around her at all. Praise other attributes instead, like you would for a boy. Constantly telling her she's beautiful makes her think that matters when it really doesn't. It's warped because all 4 year olds are pretty anyway. Especially to their own mothers. The concept that they might not be pretty isn't something that should even be on their radar.

Is she actually upset when shes talking like this or is she just expressing an opinion? Unless she's upset (about not being beautiful, not only about not being allowed make up) I would not read too much into it, just say she's too young to wear make up outside of the home and change the subject.

If she is upset then as with anything else, don't try to deny what she's feeling. Better to just listen and acknowledge instead.

From experience with 3 girls they all went through similar phases. Especially during their younger years I lived out of leggings, T-shirts her in a bun, no make up, but they still went through all this pretty, dress up makeup All 3 went to different nursery and preschools and all 3 had aspects of the nursery involving role play, a hairdressers corner, nail salon, dress up and fake makeup, all along with other role play. I remember one nursery because one of the mums had her own nail salon came in occasionally for nail salon days.

I found they start to grow out of it by KS2 . Some will keep it up if it’s part of their personalities but most start to take interest in other things.

This!

Talk to preschool teacher. Perhaps a kid has been mean about her hair or something.

I'd have removed my daughter from a nursery that introduced those things.

I can understand how hard it is to hear her say she's not pretty, needs makeup etc, but she's only 4, you're still a huge influence. She's not fated to go on Love Island!

As others have said, I would take the makeup and nail polish away, and focus on doing fun physical things so your compliments can be about how strong she is, or how fast, so she takes pride in her physicality, rather than how she looks. Be mindful about how you talk about your body - eg exercise and diet are to keep you fit and healthy, not thin.

I think you should talk to the nursery too - my kids are older than yours, but I was surprised at the gendered notions some of the staff came out with, and to be honest lots of parents too. Most of the little girls drsssed as princesses for Hallowen, my kids were pirates or witches, as Halloween was supposed to be scary costumes.

You need to show your DD that she can be anything - both boys and girls can be doctors or nurses - as it's not a message the whole of society agrees with.

Breathe a minute, you haven't done anything wrong. She's in a phase, and one you can get through with a slight deviation in course.

Kids like to play with that stuff, and I have always allowed it. I teach my children that the most beautiful people are the ones being themselves.

Model that. Dance in your pyjamas and show DD that you love your own self as you are.

It's not about taking down mirrors for me, it's framing it on a way that teaches DD to focus on reflecting herself and not confirming to other people's standards. She's figuring out who she is and you have to go with it. My kids pick their own clothes every day so long as they're activity appropriate, because they're getting comfortable in their skin and I want that so much for them. Make up is fine, I personally prefer their own faces and tell them so, but I'm happy if they're wearing it as a style choice and not to cover insecurities or to conform to any standards. I let them give me makeovers and do my nails, so that I can model someone who is quite happy to look a bloody state so long as it's fun.

This is very strange given that she had apparently had little to no exposure to this sort of crap.
Tell her that being smart, strong, funny and kind are way more important than being beautiful anyway. And give beauty little to no importance.

It’s hard to say where this comes from. I have come to think that many little girls (and little boys too) go through a phase about this age of wanting everything as pretty as possible - all to do with code, nothing to do with taste. My mum was always in trousers, didn’t wear makeup, and we didn’t have a telly. This was the early 70s. But I do remember always wanting pink, purple- at about 4 years old, my mum getting cross because she was knitting me a dress with a stripy skirt and a bodice, and me getting some magenta wool out of her bag, instead of the black wool she was using for the bodice. And also my favourite Happy Families character being Miss Rabbit in her pretty dress.

I can’t remember the last time I wore a skirt!

We always had a dressing up box with old clothes and lace and beads as well as face paint.

i guess what I’m saying is this is normal? I don’t know exactly when children realise that they will never look exactly like Elsa etc but I think this just fades, maybe

She's obviously the most beautiful girl in the world to me, and I tell her so regularly (alongside being clever, working hard, being strong, a good friend etc etc). If you are regularly telling her she's beautiful, then you're potentially sending a message that her being beautiful is important to you. It might be better to stop talking about appearance at all.

You could focus more on how she feels internally rather than telling her your external view of her (clever, strong, beautiful). If she draws a picture, ask her if she enjoyed drawing the picture, which bit of her picture is her favourite, rather than saying 'that's a great picture, I like your picture.'

Also read up on process praise vs. person praise. Instead of 'that was good reading' you would say something like 'I noticed that you kept trying even when the words were difficult'.

Exactly this - why all the talk about appearance?! I definitely didn’t feel the need to comment on what my children looked like regularly. And yes to getting rid of the make up, she doesn’t need it and if she is wearing it so often it can’t be good for her young skin.
It sounds like it is either reinforced learning from someone telling her she looks beautiful when she has the make up on and then not saying the same (or not saying it all the time!) when she doesn’t. Or she is accessing social media, YouTube etc and repeating things from there.
I would focus on getting rid of the make up completely in one go, she will be upset but it’s not good for her. And focus on other ways to build her esteem - she is young I know but sports or a club? And get outside, parks, running around, doing young kid things and not make up and mirrors and thinking about what she looks like.

We are all so pre conditioned to comment on girls appearances that we don’t even realise. Years ago I helped at a village playgroup.
The manager asked all staff to be conscious of how we spoke to boys vs girls . Because girls are always complimented on their appearance. Boys are always complimented on what they do.
I had not realised but I always did this -
‘ Hi Sophie, great shoes/ love your hair/ you look beautiful today…’
‘ Hi Tom, what are you up to/ how’s football going, I bet you’re such a good runner….’
Op the influence has definitely come from nursery kids, staff , parents .
Validate her as a person with skills, talents and a personality and hopefully the importance that f looks will take a back seat. Good luck

I can’t understand why you bought her all that stuff, make up etc, and then followed it up by telling her what’s inside is what matters.

can you imagine if someone told you that, you’d think it clearly meant you’re not beautiful on the outside.

I'm so glad to be a boy mum, I rolled around in mud (snuck out) because mum put me in an 80s pink frufru dress and I hated it!!!

I'd go and get really muddy and laughing get a naturally happy picture from that fun and frame it and start saying we're so beautiful there - natural and happy that's beautiful!

I'd ask her if she thinks mummy is beautiful and remind her you don't wear makeup.

If say make up is like an added extra special but beauty is there always with or without it!
It's like the cherry on top of an ice cream sundae or sprinkles, and added extra and we love ice cream on its own.

I'd maybe take down the wedding pic just for a while with " the frames broken" just for a bit too pas that's her hyper focus.

Lose the makeup! Even kids sets are for 8/9 year olds!

My DD did the exact same thing and although I hate the phrase 'it's just a phase' it really was! She refused to wear anything but a dress, would scream murders in the morning unless she wore a dress or skirt to reception saying 'no, I won't be beautiful'. Not sure where it originated as I'm a leggings and scruffy hair don't have time kind of mum, but I think it came from princess movies 'ohhhh you look beautiful' kind of moments. She even told me I don't look beautiful because I'm in trousers.

She still exclusively wears dresses and loves make up and kids jewellery but the phrases slowly stopped. I too used to respond with 'everyone's beautiful, what you wear and make up is when you want to look fancy' but I don't think that made any difference.

I wouldn't get too hung up on it, I don't believe that they actually think they're not beautiful in the literal insecure sense, I think they just really want to wear what they want to wear and just say they want to look beautiful as a term more than a feeling deep inside.

Don't blame you for jumping to that conclusion though, I initially did too.

I would just be breezily saying of course you are beautiful. That isn't something you need to worry about, you just ARE.

Telling her she's beautiful.on the inside, while true, also has a backhanded compliment about it where you're sort of agreeing her outside isn't.

My 9 year old has on occasion said she's fat or her legs are etc. She isn't at all. My response is that she won't need to worry about that until she's about 30 as her genetics will take care of it. But, yes, they get this mad stuff from school. I let my 4 year old play with make up etc, but never to leave the house. It's more like face paint for her, just fun, not about beauty.

Buy your dd some glittery wellies ,get her wrapped up and out in the mud. You really need to divert her attention to this matter. Can you borrow a neighbours dog if you don't have one and get her out in nature ?

Does she have a tablet and could be watching things online?

I mean, I'm sure that OPs child still gets out and can do so in a dress...

Apart from the 'beautiful' comment, how is an interest in "girly" things bad as opposed to eg. a boy wanting to be a superhero or having a million cars?

Make up is superfluous for a four year old.
Face painting like a clown, dog, butterfly is fun.
Dressing up in costumes - hats, eye patches, wigs, swirly skirts, fluffy cats ears etc is what I would be playing.

Is she being read stories that mention beauty?

I would keep calling her beautiful and use other descriptive words like - colourful, fast, warm, creepy, comfortable, shiney, dark, crispy etc to describe your outfit and her outfit. Move from value judgements to observations.

Don't worry about it but concentrate on teaching her manners, crafts, healthy eating, kindness and robust motor skills - things that build up her skill set, confidence and self esteem.

I’ve heard something like this before from my niece’s friend. Turned out that there was a bit of a toxic culture at her pre-school. A couple of junior members of staff were overheard by the children discussing which of the little girls were the prettiest and niece’s child - smart kid and one of the oldest - had picked up that these ‘pretty’ little girls were treated better, given the lead in games, nicest dressing up outfits etc over other children. Sounds unbelievable, but the junior nursery staff belonged to a cohort to whom feminism was a mystery and the idea that females wouldn’t think being pretty the most important thing of all, unthinkable.

For me, it brought back two memories from my own life - first that my mother who always told me I was gorgeous, told me that I was ‘a strong little girl’ (emphasis on the ‘strong’ ) all my childhood and it stuck with me; second that my childhood bully, a really stunning looking child got away with it far longer than she would have done if she hadn’t been so beloved by the school staff and headteacher!

I'm shocked that a four year old would have make up, nail varnish etc of any sort. I can't imagine ever having let my daughter use anything like that when she was at primary school, let alone before she even started school. I thought it was bad enough when someone bought my daughter some child's make up for her tenth birthday, and that went straight to the charity shop. At four, a child should be playing with their toys, drawing, and making things, not wearing make up! It's no wonder that she's like this.

I’m shocked as well that the op did this and she’s clearly been helping her daughter use it, and then she tells her it’s what is inside that matters, and then wonders why her daughter thinks she’s not beautiful, absolutely I’d lay money that when that poor child was plastered with make up she was told she looked beautiful

this isn’t a pre school issue, op, I’m sorry, it’s what’s happening in the home.