4yo "doesn't feel beautiful"

[safira]

Posting for traffic... Where the hell have I gone wrong?

4yo DD has started saying she's not beautiful unless she has a "great outfit", or even worse if she's not painted her face with (children's) makeup.

She's always loved dressing up and princesses and has insisted on choosing her own clothes since she could express herself. But it seems to have taken a horrible turn recently - she says she wishes her face was a different shape, that she didn't have curly hair, that she hates her name because it's not "beautiful".

I have no idea where it's coming from. I barely ever wear makeup and am almost always in jeans or sweats. She's not watching shit on YouTube or anything like that. I just feel like I'm utterly failing her - I didn't think I'd be dealing with this for years.

What the hell do I do? I've obviously focused hard on the "being beautiful inside is all that matters" message, but it's not hitting the mark. Do I take away all of her makeup/dress up stuff? She loves her kiddie makeup, nail varnish etc and I've never really had an issue with her playing with it at home - I've been really careful about what kind of stuff she has and it's all the hypoallergenic stuff. But maybe I should never have let her have it in the first place. I really want to nip this in the bud, but I just have no idea how. Please help.

A lot of nurseries now do nail/makeup/hairdresser roleplay. It was very frustrating because my daughter got obsessed with it, she’d come home with painted nails etc. I thought we’d got past it now she’s in Reception till they had a roleplay day, we got her home in makeup and pics of her playing with makeup at school.

I dont see nail polish as quite as bad (especially funky colours like green, blue, purple etc) and I’m okay with a bit of glitter on her cheeks for a party, but I’ve been clear that children don’t wear makeup. All the same she constantly pesters for kids’ makeup sets because “we’re allowed at school”. 🙄

FWIW we went through the “I’m not pretty” stage too and it came from other kids. Her friend (hairdresser mum) had told her that her hair was ugly and messy. We had to focus on telling her to respond that those are mean words, not the truth.

I watched a clip where a woman was saying that she is teaching her daughter that being beautiful is a skill and one anyone can have. So instead of saying "you look beautiful " she would say "oh, I love that you chose this top to go with that skirt, what a great colour combination" or "I love how you've matched your hair clip to your necklace, it really makes the colours pop" etc ie. Praising the effort that the child put in, not the result. Making "beautiful" something that you do, not something that you are.

I've no idea if this is the right approach or not, but thought it was an interesting take.

But, as others have said, I think 4 might be too young for makeup/ nail varnish. When I am wearing nail varnish, I'm more conscious of what I do as I don't want to chip the nail colour. I imagine a 4 year old would think the same, which would then inhibit their desire to climb trees, dig in the dirt/sandpit or other outdoorsy things.

Well clearly you feel you need makeup to look beautiful, or you wouldn’t have worn it to your wedding, so you’ve somehow communicated this to her

I don’t agree that it’s necessarily a home issue. Many mothers wear makeup and look after their appearance and expect certain standards of cleanliness, brushed hair, dressing appropriately for weather and occasions etc from their children without the children centering appearance over all else. Many little girls (and boys too actually) love playing with make up etc in the same way as they play with crayons and paints or anything else highly coloured and smelling good. It’s not crack cocaine or inherently evil.

It sounds strongly to me that something has hit her self esteem. Even one or two instances of another child ( or adult) saying something about her or their appearance could have done it.

It could also be that she’s just a child with a strong aesthetic sense and prefers the made up look. It happens. My middle child had a long dispute with a nursery teacher about a colour. Teacher insisted was pink, small child said No, no, it’s not! Teacher said well what colour do you think it is? Small child said, I can’t decide if it’s more of a magenta or fuchsia!

Honestly, I don't see the point of saying that she's the most beautiful girl in the world.
My mum used to say that a lot to me and my sisters, and as a kid, I took that very literally. Only to find out that it wasn't actually true and that was devastating, I spent years hating how I look because of that.

A lot of nurseries now do nail/makeup/hairdresser roleplay. It was very frustrating because my daughter got obsessed with it, she’d come home with painted nails etc. I thought we’d got past it now she’s in Reception till they had a roleplay day, we got her home in makeup and pics of her playing with makeup at school.

Frustrating that women who want to work outside the home get lumbered with sending their tiny daughters to places that are set up to brainwash them with patriarchal beauty standards. Feminists despair.

My approach is always you’re clever, beautiful, smart, can do what you set your mind to, kind, loving etc,

I would never miss out appearance, as failing to mention and reassure, and saying something as ridiculous as it’s what’s inside thay counts in isolation, leads many children to beleive their appearance must be at fault if even their own parent doesn’t think it and can’t say it.

hut you can’t just focus on appearance, it needs to be all the child’s qualities. Kindness, aptitude, attention, loving, clever, whatever. Praise is multi faceted and gives reassurance, lack of praise ie your appearance doesn’t matter, does the opposite. And clearly you don’t do it daily, but at important moments.

and obviously balanced by if the child plays up, with that’s poor behaviour, or that’s not acceptable, and then explain why. Or if they look scruffy, tell them, obvs when older, as pride in our appearance is important, we live in a world where appearance is judged, and so we need to prepare our kids for that, but also to have full confidence in how they look,.

My daughter's nearly 27. I'd have gone ballistic and would have complained formally to the nursery, the local authority and Ofsted.

I hope the boys also have make-up and nail polish days at these ghastly establishments and that there is some allergy testing.

Very much this. I think you don't turn it into a big deal by making massive changes. My DD was very into all that stuff at 4 (it's normal at that age) and now she's 16, she wears a tiny bit of makeup whilst many of her friends have a 'full face' (mostly the ones whose mums wear a lot). She really believes she is beautiful, although it's not hugely important to her. I would compliment her whilst she was growing up, small specific things like "Your hair looks great like that" or "wow, that colour suits you" but without going on and on about it, just enough to keep her confident. Maybe it's luck (I don't have other daughters).

I remember in Reception, DD said she didn't want to be brown (she's half Asian) and she wanted 'yellow hair like Barbie'. I was gutted. She really loved Barbie films (which was actually started by her older brother who watched one on TV and just wanted to watch it over and over again for a few years). I was tempted to think "No more Barbie films." But I decided to just keep complimenting her skin and hair. Then we moved to Essex and the 'natural tan' was a big bonus 😂. They do grow up and out of it and so be far more influenced by home life than anything else in the long run. Now my DDs GCSE grades are much more important to her than her prom dress!

It is just a phase and she’ll probably grow out of it. If she is feeling bad about her looks then tell her that you think she is beautiful and distract her with something fun.

My mother discouraged all things girly as she didn’t think women were as good as men. All stereotypical boy stuff was encouraged and anything feminine was less respected. It was a bit miserable really and I wanted to be a boy when I was a child. I started to delve into make up, feminine clothes, earrings and make up in my late teens/early twenties and really enjoyed it.

I was surprised to see my nieces nursery being staffed mainly by girls in their 20s with botox, lip fillers and heavy makeup. It was like walking into Love Island!

Serious question - are these nurseries part of state provision? I am horrified that things have gone backwards.

I cannot believe mothers are allowing it.

How often is she saying it? If you responded in a ott way the first time it might be attention seeking. I would do as a pp suggested and briefly acknowledge it and move on.

Yes, the nurseries we used were state funded standard nurseries. The first was awful and we changed, but the second was so good in every other way that we let it slide. They received an Ofsted Outstanding which was well deserved for the level of care my daughter received - sometimes we need to pick our battles.

The primary school on the other hand encouraging it (also an Outstanding, somehow) is, in my opinion, unacceptable. We have her on the list for an in-year transfer for many reasons but I don’t know if we will be able to escape this. It seems I’m “uptight” for disliking it from what I’ve seen of other mums.

I disagree with the posts making OP feel bad. Mine have always have bits and bobs of "play" make-up, alongside toy trucks and all sorts!

I think at age 4 most of the little girls (and a lot of the little boys as well) want to put on the princess dress or paint their nails. They mostly then grow out of it and move through other phases.

I honestly think it is a normal phase - I wouldn't put too much focus on it but also wouldn't give it attention by "banning" it.

I've staunchly avoided all gender stereotypes in our house, but school is massively influencial too, so it's unlikely that you've failed her in someway!
Up until a year ago, my little lady was a complete "tomboy" loves climbing, water, jumping puddles, got annoyed by skirts/dresses cos they were impractical, then there's my little boys loves rainbows and his long hair (shoulder length) even through the first few years of school! However lately, I've tried to get him to tie it up multiple times on pe days (he has an undercut cos of how thick it is) and he point blank refuses, says only girls have pony tails 🤷🏼‍♂️ and today (half-term) my daughter spent it in a belle dress, my old jewellery and make up! 🙃 I refuse makeup 95% of the time, tell her she is too young and pretty for it and I wear it to hide how tired I look (too true these days! Ha) but occasionally let her have a bit of "pink and sparkly". I don't think it's any more healthy to go completely the other way and ban "girly" things for girls (though personally wouldn't have gotten her her own makeup and such a young age) She has had nail varnish set etc brought by school friends, but I tend to hide them away as much as possible and make them something we only do very occasionally.

I agree with the person who said, try not to focus on it too much.... acknowledge the feeling if she brings it up ... that's not true, you are beautiful....mummy thinks your the most beautiful girl in the world. If she mentions her hair maybe ask if she has a friend at school with straight hair that she thinks is pretty and then go on to tell her lots of girls with straight hair wish they had curly hair too...and the rest of the time just focus on other things like being, strong, healthy, kind etc. She is only 4 as long as the message isn't reaffirmed that she needs that stuff to be pretty, she will move on from it.

Have you tried focusing on slightly smaller things? Such as: oh wow, look at those beautiful eye lashes you have, they look like butterflies!! Make her look herself in front of the mirror with you while you smile at her and give her a big hug and tell her how love she is. Point out both physical and intellectual things I'd say, like she's got the most beautiful eyes colour you've ever seen etc. Something really especial about her.
Then show her something about you, something that is not particularly beautiful to today's standards (little wrinkle there, white her there, bit if chubbiness there...) in fact, do it with your husband and show her he loves that about you!
Self love is taught 🥰🌹

I remember my mom telling me quite young that I needed to eat less biscuits, eat more veg, that I'd get fat. Then she'd tell me wow, you're getting thinner, look at you! (In her head she trying to praise being healthier, in my head I was worthless unless I was thin of course).
And of course, no praising on efforts of exercising and working hard, I think she'll only focus on the outcome:/

I'm really saddened by how many comments on here are from parents telling op how to help her child feel beautiful. Would these posters be saying the same if the ops child was a boy?
The focus should absolutely be on getting this young child to build a strong and stable sense of self that is utterly unconnected to how she looks.
If she needs to believe at 4 years old that she is beautiful it's gone wrong somehow. Her sense of self should be such as- I'm brave, I can do difficult things! I can cope when I get upset! I love drawing and am really interested in animals! My mummy loves me just the way I am so I must be loveable!
Nothing to do with appearance.
If a girl is already judging herself against media standards of beauty then it's a receive for lifelong self judgement.

Take the focus off looks and onto intrinsic qualities of the child.

That horse has already bolted, she can’t just ignore it and focus on other things, that will deepen the problem. She needs to build her child’s self esteem, it is appalling a 4 year old is in this situation, it’s as fucked up as I’ve seen, now this doesn’t mean she doesn’t build her up on other areas, of course she does, and I’m surprised you and some others seem to feel it’s one or the other. It isn’t.

I disagree. A 4 year old does not need to know she's beautiful.

You can't half ass it at this point. The 4 year old has already focused on it. The focus needs to change and the only way to do that is to stop the trying to make her believe she's beautiful.

She needs to feel loved the way she is. Unconnected to her looks. The focus needs to go completely off her appearance.

Anyway. Just my opinion. Really strongly held. Appreciate we are all different and that's the spice of life. Hope you have a good day xx

I always say to my children boy and girl. It's not clothes or make - up that make you beautiful. ( If they ask do they look pretty, cool etc). I say it's your personality your lovely smile/laugh and your cheeky grin. We do have to be realistic about outside influences though especially at school. I had an uphill battle in reception about gender stereotypes with my little girl. She suddenly did a 360 * on what she wanted to wear as she got told she wasn't a " proper girl" if she didn't wear a certain outfit. Well I had a word with the teacher, after school club staff etc. Until it got sorted and they talked about stereotyping in males and females. Ps I hate the word "Gender" but I will use it in this case as it is all about stereotypes so the hat fits. Anyway along with the positive reinforcement of being yourself is brilliant. And explaining that wearing a dress or a skirt does not make you a girl. And short hair does not make you a boy etc. she's now back to being more confident. But she is still obsessed with makeup up and nails and but she balances this with dollies and Barbie's so I'm not going to get too focused on it. She has a creative streak and this is how she displays it.

Then we agree to disagree, as for me, that horse has bolted, and it is shitty parenting to head a child of this age proclaim she’s not beautiful, want make up and declare she doesn’t need to know she’s beautiful that you will avoid it, focus on something else, thus cementing her fears,

once again, you can do both, focus on other things and reassure, it is not one or th4 other as you feel.

Are the nursery staff big make up wearers? It might be something she's picked up from the staff there rather than other kids.

Why?

Do you really have to ask?