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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not be the one to reach out and make it better this time

69 replies

toxicroses · 16/02/2025 13:53

I’m in a new relationship of 5 months, in a lot of ways it’s been one of the best relationships and I’ve never felt so loved, fancied and like I have so much in common with someone. It started out so much fun, constantly laughing, great sex and I just felt so happy. We do still have those aspects but I feel like the drama is continuous. He is going through a very difficult situation in his personal life, and when I was informed of the situation I took some space to consider everything and ultimately decided to continue the relationship. However this situation massively impacts his mental health, his coping mechanisms are unhealthy, I worry when he starts drinking as he always takes it too far. He has admitted to using alcohol as a crutch. Recently he went for a couple of beers at 2pm and said he’d be home at 5pm. We don’t live together but I was waiting for the usual FaceTime. I then didn’t hear from him until I text him at 4am saying I was worried, he ignored that but came online straight away. I text him again at 5am saying if he’s on some bender can he just let me know so I can stop worrying. He replied instantly saying yes the night carried on and they got a bag and he was at mates house. We had a big argument after this he did apologise and promised not to do it again, he hasn’t (yet) but has made comments about drugs being an escape from the situation. I reminded him of his promise and he started saying he doesn’t mean going out and doing them just alone at home. I said that’s a massive red flag for me. He hasn’t done drugs since but again has got drunk and argued with me over stupid shit. The last few days he’s been really up and down whilst staying with me, making me feel really on edge, he apologised last night and said he was really sorry and that I’ve done nothing wrong he’s just not in a good place mentally. I accepted his apology and we had a normal evening until he bought up the topic we argued about again and started making what I felt were offensive comments towards me, I said I’m not having this conversation and rolled over to go to sleep and he said that I’m a child and can’t have a civil conversation without rolling over so he packed all his stuff and left and went home in the middle of the night. I got upset as he was leaving due to the abruptness of it and put my head under the duvet so he wouldn’t see me cry, but he heard I guess and made one last dig that crying is a manipulation tactic and then stormed out. I don’t think it’s manipulative to be hurt?! I haven’t heard from him at all today. Whenever we have arguments it is always me that reaches out to smooth things over, he’s so stubborn he will just continue to ignore me. I always panic and try and make it better but this time I just think fuck you?! I’m not saying I’ve been perfect, some arguments have been my fault but there’s a theme of him being really up and down, quite nasty at times, and me always being the one to fix it.

OP posts:
MintTwirl · 16/02/2025 13:56

OP you’ve only been together 5 months, it should still be fun and exciting. Get rid of him.

LlamaDharma · 16/02/2025 14:09

All this drama and only 5 months? Jeez. This isn’t what the first few months is supposed to be like. This isn’t going to get any better if it’s already this messed up when it has only just started.

GenerousGardener · 16/02/2025 14:11

Throw this one back. 🚩🚩🚩🚩

OriginalUsername2 · 16/02/2025 14:12

You can’t be a saviour to a druggy you’ve been dating for 5 months. He’ll tell you whatever shuts you up and then proceed to do what he wants.

Create some standards for yourself. No druggies should be top of the list.

PullTheBricksDown · 16/02/2025 14:13

Too much drama. Let him go.

MissyB1 · 16/02/2025 14:15

After only 5 months things are already on a downward slope - very bad sign! He's far too much hard work, walk away.

Tagyoureit · 16/02/2025 14:16

This will be your life! Fancy that with a baby in tow?

Throw this one back!

DrawnPotteryClub · 16/02/2025 14:17

Oooft, no. I’m sorry for the hard time he’s having, and I know from my own experience that substance abuse is a hell of a thing to break out of. But these are things he needs to address before he’s fit to be in a respectful, safe, mutually-fulfilling relationship of equals. You don’t owe him the kind of support he needs, certainly not after only 5 months, during which time he’s already become abusive. Not only should you not be the one to extend the olive branch this time, you should rebuff any attempts on his part to make peace. Wish him the best of luck with his recovery and say cheerio.

UghFletcher · 16/02/2025 14:18

The flags are flagging 🚩🚩🚩

Sack this one off, 5months in should have ZERO drama like this.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 14:18

5 months
5 poxy months
and this already

have some self respect op

PashaMinaMio · 16/02/2025 14:19

You’re on a hiding for nothing.
Red flags all over it. 🚩🚩
Get out asap.

Dogthespot · 16/02/2025 14:20

He is going through a very difficult situation in his personal life,

oooh let me guess

it involves an ex, his child(ren), CMS

AcquadiP · 16/02/2025 14:22

This must be mentally exhausting for you. Whatever he is dealing with isn't going to be improved by him going on alcoholic benders and drug taking. Tell him you need him to get himself together and you two should separate whilst he works on that. Life really is too short to be dealing with this aggro.

AutumnFroglets · 16/02/2025 14:30

He's into alcohol so much he "forgets" to do things he promised.
He's into drugs so much he "forgets" to do things he promised.
When you pull him up he then blames you for being upset and accuses you of manipulation.

Unless you are a professional therapist and he is your patient then run like a rabid dog is after you. Great sex is NOT worth the mental, emotional and eventually financial toll this will have on you, so if you are going to "save" anyone then save yourself.

TimeForTeaAndG · 16/02/2025 14:32

I only read as far as he got a baggie and noped out. You are not his saviour. Don't bother trying. 5 months is such a short time, don't be back here in 5 years wondering why he still hasn't changed.

WaltzingWaters · 16/02/2025 14:37

MintTwirl · 16/02/2025 13:56

OP you’ve only been together 5 months, it should still be fun and exciting. Get rid of him.

☝️

unsync · 16/02/2025 14:41

Dump, this one doesn't know how to adult.

KimberleyClark · 16/02/2025 14:44

He drinks too much and does coke? Throw him back.

Cottonplease · 16/02/2025 14:45

Alcohol. Drugs. Plus not able to handle an argument or apologise. You've seen this in only 5 months as he can't hide it.
If you continue then you're giving him the signal that it's acceptable behaviour.

Youve seen what he's about.Chuck him back.

WaitingForMojo · 16/02/2025 14:45

Run for the hills. Then keep running.

loropianalover · 16/02/2025 14:46

What sort of life do you expect to build with a man who’s like this? He’s not going to be able to save money, because it’s going to go on drugs. He’s not going to be able to get up on a Sunday morning for coffee and a walk, because he’s been up all night on drugs. He’s not going to be able to have a serious or measured conversation with you about anything, because he’s going to always be paranoid, because of drugs.

Imagine your wedding night, he’s disappearing to bump coke with his friends. Then the honeymoon is a huge comedown with low moods and paranoia. Imagine you’re struggling with the baby/kids one weekend, and he pops out for ‘one beer’ and then doesn’t come home until Sunday. What if he gets arrested one day? Loses his job, you can’t afford the mortgage now on just your salary. And on and on and on and you’ll be on Mumsnet in 2040 asking how to get out.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/02/2025 14:46

He may have mental health problems but drugs and excessive drinking won't help him or the problems that started it off. Too much baggage Op, you can really like someone but still not want to be involved with them if they bring too many bad things with them.

Glorybox2025 · 16/02/2025 14:50

What ARE you doing with this man? Good sex doesn't make up for any of this shit.

Bestfootforward11 · 16/02/2025 15:10

Absolutely not ok. Time to move on. You deserve better.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 16/02/2025 15:14

Come on, now. This man is an abusive, disrespectful shithead who does drugs. What on earth are you playing at not dumping him? You are planning on staying in this car crash of a relationship? Seriously?