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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not be the one to reach out and make it better this time

69 replies

toxicroses · 16/02/2025 13:53

I’m in a new relationship of 5 months, in a lot of ways it’s been one of the best relationships and I’ve never felt so loved, fancied and like I have so much in common with someone. It started out so much fun, constantly laughing, great sex and I just felt so happy. We do still have those aspects but I feel like the drama is continuous. He is going through a very difficult situation in his personal life, and when I was informed of the situation I took some space to consider everything and ultimately decided to continue the relationship. However this situation massively impacts his mental health, his coping mechanisms are unhealthy, I worry when he starts drinking as he always takes it too far. He has admitted to using alcohol as a crutch. Recently he went for a couple of beers at 2pm and said he’d be home at 5pm. We don’t live together but I was waiting for the usual FaceTime. I then didn’t hear from him until I text him at 4am saying I was worried, he ignored that but came online straight away. I text him again at 5am saying if he’s on some bender can he just let me know so I can stop worrying. He replied instantly saying yes the night carried on and they got a bag and he was at mates house. We had a big argument after this he did apologise and promised not to do it again, he hasn’t (yet) but has made comments about drugs being an escape from the situation. I reminded him of his promise and he started saying he doesn’t mean going out and doing them just alone at home. I said that’s a massive red flag for me. He hasn’t done drugs since but again has got drunk and argued with me over stupid shit. The last few days he’s been really up and down whilst staying with me, making me feel really on edge, he apologised last night and said he was really sorry and that I’ve done nothing wrong he’s just not in a good place mentally. I accepted his apology and we had a normal evening until he bought up the topic we argued about again and started making what I felt were offensive comments towards me, I said I’m not having this conversation and rolled over to go to sleep and he said that I’m a child and can’t have a civil conversation without rolling over so he packed all his stuff and left and went home in the middle of the night. I got upset as he was leaving due to the abruptness of it and put my head under the duvet so he wouldn’t see me cry, but he heard I guess and made one last dig that crying is a manipulation tactic and then stormed out. I don’t think it’s manipulative to be hurt?! I haven’t heard from him at all today. Whenever we have arguments it is always me that reaches out to smooth things over, he’s so stubborn he will just continue to ignore me. I always panic and try and make it better but this time I just think fuck you?! I’m not saying I’ve been perfect, some arguments have been my fault but there’s a theme of him being really up and down, quite nasty at times, and me always being the one to fix it.

OP posts:
Crazycatlady79 · 16/02/2025 15:14

I have 'voted' YABU as as neither of you sounds emotionally well enough to be in this relationship.
You don't get to dictate whether your boyfriend of a few months has a drink or a bag.
Likewise, he doesn't get to emotionally or verbally abuse you.
But, you allow what you allow.

Ella31 · 16/02/2025 15:19

You will never be a priority above alcohol or drugs. Think of that when you could have huge responsibilities such a child. His personal troubles are unfortunate but you don't deserve this only 5 months in, no one does no matter how long the relationship. I would get out of this for your own sake. It shouldn't be this hard.

Caroparo52 · 16/02/2025 15:22

This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. If its shit now then it move on . It won't improve

tsmainsqueeze · 16/02/2025 15:24

Read your own post back only 5 months and all the shit you describe plus 'he makes me feel really on edge'.
You don't need a load of strangers on here telling you what to do !

Createausername1970 · 16/02/2025 15:27

He is how he is. It's not how you want to be.

Just let it go. Don't contact him and if he contacts you then say you think it's run it's course. No need for emotional recriminations, just ene it and move on.

KhakiOrca · 16/02/2025 15:28

There's someone else. Staying out all night, ignoring your calls, negging you, starting arguments...just so he can leave and make you think it's your fault.

AngelaMerkin1 · 16/02/2025 15:28

Oh no OP, not worth it. Next!

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 16/02/2025 15:29

You would be unreasonable to continue dating him. Ditch and move on. You deserve better.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 16/02/2025 15:30

You can do so much better OP. Better than you think.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/02/2025 15:30

5 months in and all this shit? Same as I say on all these threads- get rid!!!!!
Disregard his love bombing.
Oh and you don't love him. You may be infatuated but he's a waste of time and space and you'll get over him quick enough.

TwinkleLights24 · 16/02/2025 15:31

You need to reassess your standards if this is the best you’ve ever had.

It’s been five months. Move on and stop settling for shit.

MadeForThis · 16/02/2025 15:31

He's not worth it.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 16/02/2025 15:42

He's done you a favour by packing his stuff and leaving. Don't contact him, block him and don't look back. Relationships shouldn't be this difficult so early on (or ever, ideally).

mnreader · 16/02/2025 15:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Delphiniumandlupins · 16/02/2025 15:45

He's not really in a place for a relationship. Whatever stresses he is under he is behaving very selfishly. You can't fix him and you don't need to try. Put yourself first, as he is doing, and walk away.

Wobblemonster · 16/02/2025 15:49

Lucky escape

xyz111 · 16/02/2025 15:49

If you stay with him, then don't complain further down the line. Your eyes are open fully here.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/02/2025 15:52

@toxicroses

Drink/drug problem
picks fights
insults you.

In baseball parlance, 3 strikes and he's OUT!

My advice is to block him, take a deep breath, and move on. Yes, it's going to hurt for a bit, but I'd gladly accept that few weeks or a month of 'hurt' right now after just 5 months than to be trying to extricate myself from a multi-year hell.

Largestlegocollectionever · 16/02/2025 15:55

Mood swings are a massive sign of addiction - I very much doubt he isn’t taking drugs, he’s just not telling you he is!
Throw him back, it’ll never get any better.

godmum56 · 16/02/2025 16:19

usual question really. Why are you still there?

Semiramide · 16/02/2025 16:26

Whenever we have arguments it is always me that reaches out to smooth things

  • No, don't do that. Not now, not ever.
  • Work on your self esteem instead.
  • Read Women Who Love Too Much
  • And The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
Vaxtable · 16/02/2025 16:30

The drugs is a line crossed for me, and there are other ways to cope wit( stuff than alcohol, he makes offensive comments but it’s your fault and you are manipulatee

Dump him and find someone better

LostMyLanyard · 16/02/2025 16:51

Jesus fucking Christ, find your self respect and boundaries OP!!

cgk · 16/02/2025 16:57

Ghost him. He’s a drunk and a druggie.

Do not make up with him, even if he comes to you. Why would you flush your life away to be with a prick like this?

He isn’t a partner. He’s a liability. Who, when called out, says you are the manipulative one.

Get out, never look back.

candlerhyme · 16/02/2025 17:01

How do you actually see this relationship getting any better?

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