To be mad at DH for giving child screen time

[Userhey983]

I am so mad and my only thought is to blame DH. I rarely get anytime to socialise with friends. The one time I do he overloads Dd with screen time. I’m talking the whole day I’m gone. 6 hours or so. I came back she wasn’t bathed, not put to bed, just in the same position I left her in whilst his on his phone next to her and DS is crying. That’s pretty standard as DS is 1 but DD is 3 and she certainly does not need that much overstimulation. I don’t give her any. I always play with her instead of rotting her brain but I find everytime she tries to interact with him he’ll just pass her an iPad to watch Bluey or YouTube. Or if I get a shower I come back and there she is, completely zombified. I understand kids can be difficult but he barely watches them as I’m the one who stays at home. He pretends he agrees that screen time is bad but the kids are constantly on it on his watch.

Fast forward to today, it’s his day to go out with friends and I’m with the kids. DD is feral like I’ve never seen. Shes not listening to me, completely messes the house up with crayons which she never does, she’s lethargic (has no energy to play with toys like she normally does) and gets burst of energy but only to do something she knows not to do. The final straw was when she pushed her brother which she never does and he bumped her head. She’s like an animal today! I don’t blame her I blame him because she’s never like this unless she’s been overstimulated or she’s tired.

6 hours of YouTube? It's pretty foreseeable.

DH does this too. It's so infuriating and feels like it takes ages to undo too, to get them back regulated. Honestly, I think when DH and I are together we only use screen time in extreme circumstances (ie we have an important event to go to and running late and dd still needs teeth and hair brushing and getting dressed, for example, we'd wack the tv on to "tranquillise" her so we can get it done as quickly as possible. This happens maybe a handful of times a year). I'm often on my own with her and never use screens. When DH is on his own with her, he's so unused to it and finds it so stressful he sees it as equivalent in the level of stress as when we use tv as a "emergency" coping mechanism.... honestly, she's an easy kid, he just has no idea how to handle her. It's infuriating but I think it's one of those things that default parents just learn to cope whereas the "spare" parent sees the every day as somehow entirely too difficult.

He's a shit father.

Hmmm DD is 3 and has a shit ton of screen time so I was ready to say YABU, but if DH couldn’t tell me what else they’d done in the day I also would be very unimpressed! Genuinely in the same spot you left her 6 hours earlier???

Eg today as well as hours of screen time (telly), DD has done: drawing, painting, kinetic sand, played with her rice (long story), played in garden, been out for lunch and walked along the canal.

I don’t agree with the OPS husband but what country are you in??
It’s 4 degrees up north in the uk today, with bitterly wet cold winds.

Yes, and the other thing is that DH does not get to see the harm / consequences, as they are at work the next day.

OP, I wonder if it might help to give that feedback to him now, while it's fresh.

England? It's 4 degrees not minus 4 wack a few layers on it will be fine

When I read 'put her outside to play', the weather wasn't the first thing I thought about.

It was the assumption that the OP has a garden.

Unless she mentioned it and I missed it (quite possible).

Absolutely! Plan B is always just Plan A but with warm layers and a waterproof. 😆

We were outside for hours yesterday with our toddler and preschooler at a National Trust place and we all coped fine. 🤷

It really can be (especially for pre-school children who do not need that much stimulation) - lots of research to back this, plus every child is different.

One of my children can watch 8 hours TV/play hours of video games straight and it does not affect their behaviour in the slightest.

My child with ADHD, however, as a toddler would become a terrorist after anything more than 30 minutes of screen-time (especially when playing games or watching TV programmes involving action or fighting scenes e.g. PJ Masks). It would affect their behaviour for days after - tantrums, moodswings, talking rudely etc. It got so bad that one day I snapped, unplugged the TV and took it up to the attic. Told the kids that the TV fairy had borrowed the TV for a while. We did almost year without any TV and games as a family - and their behaviour improved so much. Now we have strict controls in place for screen time to help regulate their dopamine-seeking behaviour.

I'd sit down with DH and explain how screen time but also tell him (and I get this is annoying and he should know it) what the alternative is.

Getting out of the house is the best thing. I always struggled inside the house for things to do and with a 1 and 3 year old that's tough ages! To the park, out for lunch perhaps and then plan an activity at home like colouring. Some screen time in between and you've filled the day. He might just need a little telling how a day should go.

But staying inside for 6 hours would drive me bonkers!

Not every adult is able to play with a small kid for hours on end. Is not the end of the world.

It absolutely can be normal behavior after one day of screen time. My son isn't allowed the tablet at home and we took the TV out of the living room for this very reason. We only use the tablet for hospital appointments and travel because of this. Its like he temporally loses the ability to self regulate and play independently after too much screen time , he even tries to grab your phone out of your hand when you say no to tablet. He's autistic and we've both had to accept that a screen is the opposite of soothing for him.

If you can't get your husband to understand that he's hurting your daughter by allowing this then you have a massive problem.

The screen time isn’t the problem here it’s your DH. He’s lazy. I have same aged children, my DH is away with work min-Fri and I also work so I get the temptation to use screens for a bit of chill time and I do. Have a look at low stimulation shows, Bluey is actually a great one. You can pick what shows are available to watch on YouTube so I only allow Bluey, nursery rhymes, songs from films she likes etc.

You need to find a compromise with your DH on how he parents when you go away. Today could just be a massive coincidence though.

That's awful, OP. Half an hour of screen time while he made lunch or whatever I could understand. But all day is just ridiculous. He's not being a parent.

I know you didn't ask @Userhey983 , but do you have a yoto box or a tonie box? We find those are a much better alternative to a tablet.

I've tried to fix my typo above but it's too late! Temporally is not what I meant😂

Can I ask OP, I notice you mention in your OP that as you are the SAHP he 'barely watches them' - I'm guessing that this is partly about screen time but is there also an element of you being upset that he doesn't actually seem to want to spend any quality time with his child - he saw it as an opportunity to veg out in front of a screen rather than time to hang out with his kids?

I'd be pissed off too. Annoyed that he didn't bother taking them out. The thought of being stuck in all day with no effort made! A day out avoids heaps of screen time.

Except you CAN take the TV. You can take the batteries out of the remote. You can take the fuse out of the plug. You can change the wifi password. You are NOT passive, unless you choose to be. Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation gives you all sorts of scientific evidence on why and how screen-time is a rubbish substitute for childhood.