At what point is enough enough?

[BlessThisHousehold]

I have struggled with MH issues on and off since early twenties. I’ve fallen into bad thought patterns that mainly involve people pleasing and being the fixer in the family. I struggle to negotiate friendships as I struggle to understand my role. So hard to explain so bear with me. I’m always assuming that I’ve done something wrong if there is no contact or poor contact.

This has continued into my life and now extends to in laws with my husband's sister. Since my most recent MH struggle I have distanced myself from the in laws as I have simply not had the strength to deal with them all. I feel that my husbands sister is arrogant and selfish. She never reaches out and asks how we are but in the past I’ve always done it. I’ve reached out about weekend plans and had a yeah we’re redoing this, hope you are all good. No asking about is or what we’re up to. I’m looking for a new job at the moment as really unhappy with my current one. Never asks about it. Our kids both have sen issues. Never asks. My husband agrees that she is selfish and has always been that way. There’s so much more and it is potentially outing so although for name changes, I’m still paranoid. She is quite happy to belittle me in front of people, playing to my insecurities. Did so recently in front of lots of family members and it was so upsetting. I did get an apology but it was dressed up as banter. Husband says that the vibe is toxic and I need to just let her get on with it. But I feel so inferior to her and cannot see others can’t see what I see. How do you let go of a relationship you know is no good for you? There’s been a recent social media post where she’d had a promotion and talked herself up about his hard she has worked. I avoid social media now but I couldn’t unsee it so sent a text with congratulations and just got a thank, hope you’re good.

please don’t say I’m jealous because, although there are some things about her life I envy, like all the support she gets from husbands parents I wouldn’t want to be like her. Just don’t know how others don’t see what I see. Please be kind.

It sounds like you're quite fixated on your sil.

Why are you letting your sil bother you so much?

I only speak to my sil on birthdays and at Christmas and we might make small talk at family gatherings. She never texts me but does occasionally chat with dh who is her brother. We're just not close but we are adults and can be civil to one another.

If someone belittles you in public setting - ask them to explain, act like you don't get what was said, ask them to repeat it, what did you mean? This shifts the focus back to them.

When they say it again - ask them did they mean to insult you? not aggressive, like did you mean to insult me, as that sounded like an insult? It can be interpreted as an insult and that's not nice.

By now they should be back peddling or "it's just a joke, you're too sensitive" - by this time prepare you ending...

That's not funny though, insulting someone isn't a joke, be funnier.

And then stop the conversation with them, turn your back.

Thanks for your replies. Unfortunately my poor pattern of MH means that she has featured quite a bit in past upset. In the early days of me being with DH, I overheard her slagging me off to her best mate. We are very different. She’s a massive extrovert and loves the attention and I’m not. Before Christmas we had a family gathering and she took the piss out of me then, claiming that I usually do nothing to help but had actually bothered this time.

This. I’m very fond of two of my SILs, but I don’t have any contact outside of general family gatherings. You seem to be most,y complaining that she ‘doesn’t put the effort in’ by texting you and asking how you are, but you’re the one who seems to want that kind of relationship. You can’t make her want it! And it’s even more baffling that you appear to want to cultivate a text messaging relationship with someone who is frequently verbally unpleasant to you in public — she clearly doesn’t think much of you, isn’t interested in your weekend plans etc, so why are you trying to get her to be?

So why do want to cultivate a messaging relationship with someone who fundamentally doesn’t like you, and is unpleasant to and about you?

Just stop thinking about her.
Train yourself that everytime a thought creeps in, nope going to think of something positive.
Dont give her any headspace.

If she's rude and spiteful, keep your distance from her.

Honestly op you can waste so much energy wondering why people don't like you, why they're not nicer. Unfortunately you'll probably never get the answers and they may never change.

I do get it, my fil is quite rude and for years I let it drive me crazy. Dh would have a word and then something else would just happen. I didn't want a big confrontation or to fall out so I just avoid him now. Dh is free to deal with him on his own terms. Nothing to do with me.

Just accept that your sil is not your cup of tea and there's nothing you can do to change it.

I genuinely don’t know. We used to have a better relationship but DH says that it was driven by me doing to contacting and reaching out. Never her. Her and DH are not close.

I think the issue is deeper and is a good example of how I do not look after myself and seek out people treating me like shit. There’s so much I could say but it would be outing.

im having counselling but struggling in between appointments.

Op it's probably all to do with people pleasing and wanting to be liked.

You have to train yourself to accept that you can't be liked by everyone, and that that's fine.

I like the saying 'you can't be everyone's cup of tea otherwise you'd be a mug'.

Also saw one recently which said 'I've never been disliked by someone I'd trade places with'.

Like those quotes very much.

OP I agree with a pp who said you seem a bit fixated on your SIL.

Have you planned to do something nice with your family today? I can't help thinking that if you were doing more nice things you'd have less time to think about your SIL.

I think that’s a good self-insight. You seek out people who treat you badly. It might be a good thing to take to your next therapy appointment.

"Just don’t know how others don’t see what I see"

What difference does it make if others see what you see? You do you and let others worry about what they see.

I”ll come at it from a different angle - you are setting expectations on her on how you would like a SIL relationship to be and then you are disappointed that she doesn’t meet your expectations.

Stop setting these expectations - she is either a selfish person, too busy, not interested in having a close SIL relationship, or just not interested in you as a person.

It actually doesn’t matter - either keep giving but stop expecting her to respond (if that makes you feel good about yourself) or just stop giving and then treat any response from her as a nice-to-have but nothing you rely or depend on. I think you will a lot happier that way.

Theres two separate issues here: her treatment of you and the importance you place on your relationship with her. They are connected but you need to separate them to move forward.

a) As a PP has said if she is a dick to you in public you need to call it out, throw it back to her and publicly make it her problem.

b) The importance you place in this relationship is odd. She’s your SIL, not a blood relative and not a friend you have chosen. It’s nice to have friendly relationships with your in laws but it’s not worth bending over backwards to accommodate this woman when you clearly don’t like each other that much.

You have mentioned being a people pleaser but you seem to have accepted this dynamic whereby she is the “senior” partner and is therefore allowed to bully you.

You need to reset this relationship. Stop giving her this power to dominate your life. It isn’t that important. She isn’t that important and if she doesn’t like you that is her problem and not yours.

This.

Just stay away, don't initiate anything and if she insults you in public, see above...

And as others have said, stop contacting her and trying to arrange things. You are just handing all the control to her when you do this.

Thanks for the replies. I know I seem to think she’s on a pedestal, like better than me. She acts like she is. I constantly feel in her shadow.

I agree there's a masochistic element to this. Even your DH isn't close to her so there's no need for her to be in your life much at all. You're seeking her out regardless of the signs that she's toxic at worst and at best isn't keen on you. She's only your SIL and doesn't need to like you and you absolutely don't need to please her or text her or any of that. You know this but you still go towards her. Next time you see your therapist, can you work on some tools for breaking that cycle as it's only going to grind you down more. She's not going to change.

But only you can change that. And the only way to do this is to disconnect from her and her values system.

You will never measure up if you keep dancing to her tune because she is setting the agenda and you are following it. It’s an arms race which you can’t win. She doesn’t consider you an equal on the terms she has set. So change the rules show her you don’t accept that it’s her that’s in control.

You have to step away from it.

You should work out with a professional why you're seeking out a relationship with someone who openly belittles and dislikes you.

Your husband is right. It's toxic. Let her get on with life. Yours will surely be better without worrying about her.

I think it all stems back to the very first few times we met. I overheard her slagging me off to a friend. I am not a massive social animal so don’t tend to host family gatherings or things whereas she does. I often get digs about this. We also needed some urgent mortgage advice last summer and we could have gone to her as that’s what she does but we didn’t because we needed quick advice and she is always very busy. Plus we didn’t really want her knowing everything. Apparently that upset her that we didn’t seek her advice.

When I overheard her slagging me off she has massively misrepresented the situation from my perspective so I just fell into a pattern of thinking I’d done wrong and felt really side swiped by it all. So now I’m always in tenter hooks thinking the same, that I’ve probably pissed her off without knowing.

Pay her no attention. No contact, no presents. Your self-esteem doesn't dwell in her false opinion of you. Her choosing to slag you off benefits her..

Tell your DH to fuck off if he expects you to be around her.

But plenty of SILs don't like their brother's partners and slag them off and they're free to do so. You could be the most perfect person on the planet and still not gel and piss her off inadvertently. This isn't about your SIL and her behaviour so getting into what she's done in the past or might be feeling now isn't helpful. The less you think about her the better and follow your DH lead of not involving her. Get help with separating that issue out from the work you're doing on yourself so that you can't sucked into the spiral of trying to please people who do not care.