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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At what point is enough enough?

78 replies

BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 10:17

I have struggled with MH issues on and off since early twenties. I’ve fallen into bad thought patterns that mainly involve people pleasing and being the fixer in the family. I struggle to negotiate friendships as I struggle to understand my role. So hard to explain so bear with me. I’m always assuming that I’ve done something wrong if there is no contact or poor contact.

This has continued into my life and now extends to in laws with my husband's sister. Since my most recent MH struggle I have distanced myself from the in laws as I have simply not had the strength to deal with them all. I feel that my husbands sister is arrogant and selfish. She never reaches out and asks how we are but in the past I’ve always done it. I’ve reached out about weekend plans and had a yeah we’re redoing this, hope you are all good. No asking about is or what we’re up to. I’m looking for a new job at the moment as really unhappy with my current one. Never asks about it. Our kids both have sen issues. Never asks. My husband agrees that she is selfish and has always been that way. There’s so much more and it is potentially outing so although for name changes, I’m still paranoid. She is quite happy to belittle me in front of people, playing to my insecurities. Did so recently in front of lots of family members and it was so upsetting. I did get an apology but it was dressed up as banter. Husband says that the vibe is toxic and I need to just let her get on with it. But I feel so inferior to her and cannot see others can’t see what I see. How do you let go of a relationship you know is no good for you? There’s been a recent social media post where she’d had a promotion and talked herself up about his hard she has worked. I avoid social media now but I couldn’t unsee it so sent a text with congratulations and just got a thank, hope you’re good.

please don’t say I’m jealous because, although there are some things about her life I envy, like all the support she gets from husbands parents I wouldn’t want to be like her. Just don’t know how others don’t see what I see. Please be kind.

OP posts:
Fencehedge · 16/02/2025 16:44

But she hates you? Why are you embarrassing yourself? If you can't be trusted to leave her alone, delete her number

owlexpress · 16/02/2025 16:44

@BlessThisHousehold social anxiety/any anxiety is not an excuse just not to do something. We all at times have to do things we'd prefer not to. And yes, I have my own MH diagnoses, but even people with excellent mental health get anxious occasionally. If you never host then no wonder SIL gets pissed off. It's expensive and a lot of effort to host, even for people who enjoy it. To not reciprocate but continue to attend is quite rude actually. I suspect you'll just say there's more to it, outing, etc etc, but I fail to see why SIL not asking how you are is so awful but it's okay for you not to reciprocate. It sounds like your husband is enabling you too.

knittedosocks · 16/02/2025 16:53

@BlessThisHousehold
You are self sabotaging.

The desire to be liked and feeling that you don't deserve to be, is making you fixate on someone who you know just wants a generic in- law relationship, without anything more.

From how you describe her here she is someone who doesn't particularly want to go into depth to get to know you, or understand your difficulties.
She may simply not be a "kinder than average" person or someone who tends to think about the reasons behind certain behaviour.

She gave your children presents and asked how you were in a text, both of which were pretty standard behaviour.
She did make a point of saying that you sometimes don't get involved helping out. Understandably this upset you, I can see why, but it really is the type of comment that a person who doesn't really go into depth about mental health issues might say. It's quite a predictable comment really.

The fact that you go out your way to send messages suggesting plans puts her in an awkward position. She doesn't want to have to spell it out that she doesn't particularly want to spend time with you. You are essentially pushing her into a corner, just so you can feel the upset both at her and yourself when she pushes back.

Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:12

owlexpress · 16/02/2025 16:44

@BlessThisHousehold social anxiety/any anxiety is not an excuse just not to do something. We all at times have to do things we'd prefer not to. And yes, I have my own MH diagnoses, but even people with excellent mental health get anxious occasionally. If you never host then no wonder SIL gets pissed off. It's expensive and a lot of effort to host, even for people who enjoy it. To not reciprocate but continue to attend is quite rude actually. I suspect you'll just say there's more to it, outing, etc etc, but I fail to see why SIL not asking how you are is so awful but it's okay for you not to reciprocate. It sounds like your husband is enabling you too.

She loves it though. Gives her a chance to get her super hero outfit on. Social anxiety is not an excuse but it is a reason. Like I said, there is more to the story, 18 years of it

OP posts:
Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:13

Oh and in terms of the expense, we always contribute by bringing the booze which is a significant amount particularly as I don’t drink. So please don’t fill in the gaps to the story to for your narrative.

OP posts:
Fencehedge · 16/02/2025 17:14

You've only got yourself to blame at this point. I'm not sure this thread is helping you.

iamnotalemon · 16/02/2025 17:14

I'm afraid sometimes you need to accept people for who they are and realise you're not going to get what you want from the relationship x

pinkdelight · 16/02/2025 17:24

I’ve stupidly and I know I am an absolute twat for doing this but stupidly reached out again, with a message to her about a potential half term activity. No response and the message has been read. Husband is fuming and I just wish I could slide off the planet.

I mean... what is it about all the advice on this thread that made you do that of all things?? Your DH must be tearing his hair out. And even within this, the drama - wanting to slide off the planet because someone hasn't replied to a message, especially in this context. And the bitchiness about her 'super hero suit'. I was sympathetic to a point, but just a glimpse into the self-sabotage going on here is... well, it's the point at which enough is definitely enough! I'm out, and that's exactly what you should do re. SIL. Block her for both your sakes and DH's!

LoveWine123 · 16/02/2025 17:28

OP you sound so full of drama. I rarely say this, but delete/block your SIL’s number, hide her from all your social media accounts and move on with your life. Sending her that text is like you are trying to catch her out and prove to yourself how awful she is when she doesn’t respond so you can hate her even more. Do her a favour and stop communicating with her.

Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:31

pinkdelight · 16/02/2025 17:24

I’ve stupidly and I know I am an absolute twat for doing this but stupidly reached out again, with a message to her about a potential half term activity. No response and the message has been read. Husband is fuming and I just wish I could slide off the planet.

I mean... what is it about all the advice on this thread that made you do that of all things?? Your DH must be tearing his hair out. And even within this, the drama - wanting to slide off the planet because someone hasn't replied to a message, especially in this context. And the bitchiness about her 'super hero suit'. I was sympathetic to a point, but just a glimpse into the self-sabotage going on here is... well, it's the point at which enough is definitely enough! I'm out, and that's exactly what you should do re. SIL. Block her for both your sakes and DH's!

Didn’t realise we were on dragons den!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:34

LoveWine123 · 16/02/2025 17:28

OP you sound so full of drama. I rarely say this, but delete/block your SIL’s number, hide her from all your social media accounts and move on with your life. Sending her that text is like you are trying to catch her out and prove to yourself how awful she is when she doesn’t respond so you can hate her even more. Do her a favour and stop communicating with her.

Edited

It wasn’t . It was to see if she actually cared or not. I know she doesn’t not really. For those of you getting all narky, living with my anxiety and MH issues is not f picnic. I know I’ve been silly. DH has told me. I know. I’m not full of drama. I’m full of sadness and trauma and anxiety.

OP posts:
PussInBin20 · 16/02/2025 17:34

Sorry but you sound quite obsessed with her. I bet she’s not even thinking about you/these situations at all. I bet your DH isn’t either if he’s not close to her.

Also, how does she even know that you got mortgage advice elsewhere? Why tell her or others this information? It’s no-one else’s business.

As others have said, you need to stop focusing on her. You can’t change her - only you.

Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:38

PussInBin20 · 16/02/2025 17:34

Sorry but you sound quite obsessed with her. I bet she’s not even thinking about you/these situations at all. I bet your DH isn’t either if he’s not close to her.

Also, how does she even know that you got mortgage advice elsewhere? Why tell her or others this information? It’s no-one else’s business.

As others have said, you need to stop focusing on her. You can’t change her - only you.

I told MIL who then told her. And not said we’d sought advice from a friend as we needed quick advice and impartial.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 16/02/2025 17:41

BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:34

It wasn’t . It was to see if she actually cared or not. I know she doesn’t not really. For those of you getting all narky, living with my anxiety and MH issues is not f picnic. I know I’ve been silly. DH has told me. I know. I’m not full of drama. I’m full of sadness and trauma and anxiety.

Show quote history

If you are full of sadness, trauma and anxiety why are you so keen to invite more of it into your life. You messaged her to see if she cared but you know she doesn’t. That is you inviting drama. If you have MH issues, focus on your own healing and therapy, not on her.

Addeline · 16/02/2025 17:45

I think maybe you need to look at why you’re so lacking in confidence in the first place and focus on that. Surround yourself with people who do support you eg dh and dc. Keep your circle small until you’re feeling stronger mentally. Do not reach out to her again, at all. I get that for some that’s what family do. She’s not like that. So let her go. Start putting yourself first.

Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:46

Addeline · 16/02/2025 17:45

I think maybe you need to look at why you’re so lacking in confidence in the first place and focus on that. Surround yourself with people who do support you eg dh and dc. Keep your circle small until you’re feeling stronger mentally. Do not reach out to her again, at all. I get that for some that’s what family do. She’s not like that. So let her go. Start putting yourself first.

Thank you. There is a massive lack of confidence. Massive self esteem issues and self harm.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 16/02/2025 17:52

OP are you neurodivergent by any chance? Have you heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria? It might be worth reading about it to see if it’s something you should explore with your therapist.

Addeline · 16/02/2025 17:55

BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:46

Thank you. There is a massive lack of confidence. Massive self esteem issues and self harm.

Show quote history

Stay with the people who love and support you so that you can heal.

Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:57

LoveWine123 · 16/02/2025 17:52

OP are you neurodivergent by any chance? Have you heard of rejection sensitive dysphoria? It might be worth reading about it to see if it’s something you should explore with your therapist.

Edited

I do wonder tbh. Eldest has had a recent ASD diagnosis.

OP posts:
LoveWine123 · 16/02/2025 18:04

BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 17:57

I do wonder tbh. Eldest has had a recent ASD diagnosis.

Show quote history

If your child has ASD it is very likely that one of you is also autistic or neurodivergent. I have an autistic child and several autistic family members, it’s likely I am too. From the way you write it just crossed my mind. Best thing to do is try and learn more about this so you can understand yourself better. Your feelings are not uncommon and they might stem from places that have nothing to do with your SIL as a person. Forget her and focus on yourself, learn as much as you can; knowledge will give you more strength to handle challenging situations when it comes to people. Wishing you the best of luck.

Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 18:09

LoveWine123 · 16/02/2025 18:04

If your child has ASD it is very likely that one of you is also autistic or neurodivergent. I have an autistic child and several autistic family members, it’s likely I am too. From the way you write it just crossed my mind. Best thing to do is try and learn more about this so you can understand yourself better. Your feelings are not uncommon and they might stem from places that have nothing to do with your SIL as a person. Forget her and focus on yourself, learn as much as you can; knowledge will give you more strength to handle challenging situations when it comes to people. Wishing you the best of luck.

Show quote history

Thanks so much for taking the time to write that. It sounds like me to a T to be honest. I also know that the SIL issues are the tip of a complicated iceberg. I almost disclosed to counsellor about a sexual assault which took place in my late teens so that needs exploring. I just wish I could switch off my brain. Is it worth seeking a diagnosis in 40’s?

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 16/02/2025 18:15

For starters no one but you and your DH needed to know you needed mortgage advice.

Tips for life

Never share financial details with anyone. This includes big purchases or patterns in behaviour. I never told a soul I paid my mortgage off early. I never lied but if people discussed mortgages I could fudge and steer the conversation so I was not the focus. My sister got me a couple, of years ago when she directly asked me as she had just paid hers off, I just said yes a few years ago. I did not mention it was almost 20 years ago.

I do not care if my MIL and SIL like me, I however do not want them to dislike me but they are not people who I would ever have chosen as friends so its irrelevant. I view them as Switzerland in WWII a neutral entity. I don’t mind the occasional get together but wouldn’t be after an actual social life with SIL, she lives overseas fortunately.

I have found people that seem to have lots of family issues have quite small worlds. try and expand your world a little. I volunteer at a lunch club there is a lot of signposting and we have CAB, housing officers from the council and various organisations visit us. We had a very nice woman who runs a group locally for people with anxiety visit us. Maybe try something like that.

LoveWine123 · 16/02/2025 18:20

BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 18:09

Thanks so much for taking the time to write that. It sounds like me to a T to be honest. I also know that the SIL issues are the tip of a complicated iceberg. I almost disclosed to counsellor about a sexual assault which took place in my late teens so that needs exploring. I just wish I could switch off my brain. Is it worth seeking a diagnosis in 40’s?

Show quote history

A diagnosis can be a very powerful thing and it would be worth it mainly so you have confirmation for yourself. This will allow you to explore who you are. Personally I have not gone through the process but I have been reading A LOT due to my child. This knowledge has allowed me to learn so much about myself and I have gotten clarity on some aspects of my life and why I feel like a I feel sometimes. It is very empowering. You can get a formal diagnosis or you can start reading about being autistic to see if this fits you at all. If you are in fact autistic, you need to understand that you are not broken and you are not crazy and you are not a failure. You are also not uncommon…there are many many many of us out there that are struggling with similar issues but also have some amazing qualities. It would be worth finding other neurodivergents to talk to about this.

Original poster
BlessThisHousehold · 16/02/2025 18:31

Thanks again for replies. Just a quick add, I didn’t discuss the intricate details of the mortgage stuff with MIL. Just said we were seeking advice from x person. SIL was like ‘well why didn’t they ask me?’ And got the hump.

i think a diagnosis would help me but i know it’s costly.

OP posts:
wildthingsinthenight · 16/02/2025 18:45

OP I understand.
I have a very tricky SIL who makes me feel crap
I have taken big step back and am very low contact now.
I don't follow her on SM and don't message her apart from on a family group WhatsApp where I say very benign things like happy birthday..merry Christmas.. thanks for the present etc etc.
We have to see each other occasionally for family things and I keep away from her as much as possible and have a few phrases practiced that can churn out if needed.
I really wish you luck with this xxxx