At what point is enough enough?

[BlessThisHousehold]

I have struggled with MH issues on and off since early twenties. I’ve fallen into bad thought patterns that mainly involve people pleasing and being the fixer in the family. I struggle to negotiate friendships as I struggle to understand my role. So hard to explain so bear with me. I’m always assuming that I’ve done something wrong if there is no contact or poor contact.

This has continued into my life and now extends to in laws with my husband's sister. Since my most recent MH struggle I have distanced myself from the in laws as I have simply not had the strength to deal with them all. I feel that my husbands sister is arrogant and selfish. She never reaches out and asks how we are but in the past I’ve always done it. I’ve reached out about weekend plans and had a yeah we’re redoing this, hope you are all good. No asking about is or what we’re up to. I’m looking for a new job at the moment as really unhappy with my current one. Never asks about it. Our kids both have sen issues. Never asks. My husband agrees that she is selfish and has always been that way. There’s so much more and it is potentially outing so although for name changes, I’m still paranoid. She is quite happy to belittle me in front of people, playing to my insecurities. Did so recently in front of lots of family members and it was so upsetting. I did get an apology but it was dressed up as banter. Husband says that the vibe is toxic and I need to just let her get on with it. But I feel so inferior to her and cannot see others can’t see what I see. How do you let go of a relationship you know is no good for you? There’s been a recent social media post where she’d had a promotion and talked herself up about his hard she has worked. I avoid social media now but I couldn’t unsee it so sent a text with congratulations and just got a thank, hope you’re good.

please don’t say I’m jealous because, although there are some things about her life I envy, like all the support she gets from husbands parents I wouldn’t want to be like her. Just don’t know how others don’t see what I see. Please be kind.

DH is pretty good at understanding it all and in no way encourages contract. He said they were never close growing up and that she was a selfish kid. For Christmas I made a big effort with all her kids, mine just got last minute deals from Amazon. In fact DD got a gift she already had so that went to a neighbour! I’m not materialistic and couldn’t give a shit but she doesn’t bother.

She doesn't have to bother though, does she? She's not close to your brother and you know she's not keen on you, so she's never going to make a big effort with your kids. She did the minimum which is to be expected. If you made a big effort with her kids, you need to know in your heart why you did that - if you did it because you wanted the kids to have those nice presents then it's irrelevant what SIL did or didn't do. If you did it to feed some fantasy better relationship with SIL then that needs addressing so you don't do that again because it's only going to keep hurting you. Pull back and reset expectations, with your therapist's help.

I’m not materialistic and couldn’t give a shit but she doesn’t bother.

But you clearly do give a shit or you wouldn’t be posting about it.

I think you need counseling to understand why you are seeking validation from a person who you know doesn’t respect you. It’s irrational and counterproductive and at some level you know this but you seem incapable of acting on it.

You need professional help with this. Presumably this is a pattern in your life and if it wasn’t her it would be someone else. You need to learn to stop valuing people who don’t value you back.

I know you’re all right. I need to break the cycle. I just don’t know why it ever started and why her?!

How much contact does your DH have with her DP? She is entitled to post on her FB about the hard work it took to get her new promotion, it isn't about you. You are different people, who just happened to be related by marriage. It's difficult enough to negotiate friends and blood relationships, while working full time and with a child who has SN, she probably hasn't got the time or headspace to give you what you want from her. Is your DH's BIL checking in on him and your family? You don't really like her, you don't wish her well, leave her alone. You are being exceptionally needy towards her. People pleasers are false people and usually let someone down because they over stretch themselves. They are never real friends. As said work on yourself.

She sees you as an easy win, putting you down to make herself look good, as you are so different.

You won't win her over or show her she's wrong. You are a chess piece.

She is irrelevant. It could have been anyone. You have latched onto her because emotionally you need people who make you feel inadequate. She just happens to fill that need but if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else who treats you poorly.

This is about you, not her. As a first step, try to recognise this: she is fulfilling some need in you. Longer term your goal is to work out why you seek out people like this. But for now you need to identify that she is not the problem.

Stop psychoanalysing her and trying to figure out what her motives are. Again this is about her power over you. You will never know for sure why she does this and you can’t control it. Stop letting her have this control.

Definitely. DH said that because we don’t give them anything (SIL and BIL), they aren’t interested. He says that we are always and always have been at the bottom of their list.

This is really good advice. I hope you can take it and free yourself of this, OP.

Honestly you drop the rope and go low contact. You leave it up to DH to "organise" stuff with them etc.

It will just fade away.

Excellent advice and totally what it feels like. I have spoken about her briefly during counselling. Seems it not as superficial as I thought. I feel in her shadow. The therapist said to me ‘what would it feel like to not have her have this hold over you?’ I almost cried.

But she’s entitled to behave as though she thinks she’s an OK person, and to congratulate herself on a promotion. Those are not about you. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. No one is making you have a relationship with her — her own brother isn’t keen on her.

Once it’s a matter of her being unpleasant to you, then that is your business.

I also agree with @Ponoka7 — you don’t like her or wish her well, but you are requiring things from her. It’s classic people-pleasing.

Don't think your husband's comments are helping you in this situation OP.

But you’re the one giving her the hold over you. You are putting yourself ‘in her shadow’. It’s not in her gift to take that away.

I know I am and I don’t know why. I know I need some support to change this.

I wonxer what your SIL would say. Happy to come to all the family gatherings but can't ever be bothered to go to the time, trouble and expense of hosting? She bought your kids Christmas presents but you turn your nose up at them because she bought them on Amazon ( can't you buy everything on amazon) and your dc already had what she bought. How would she know that? You snub her by asking someone else about what she is an expert in.
It is not the norm to have such a in depth close relationship with your husbands siblings, purely because they are his siblings.

There’s far more the the story than I can divulge as it would be very obvious to someone who knows the situation. I have social anxiety so it’s often hard to even go let alone host. I guess my point would be that if SIL made more an effort she’d know all this.”, about Xmas presents etc. I didn’t want to ask her for support with mortgage and I’d feel like I owe her something in return.

When I've had feelings like this - disproportionate, irrational, consuming feelings where the person I'm reacting to has no idea of the scale and hasn't actually done anything that bad - in the end I've worked out why. It's because the person is prompting feelings in you that someone else did in the past, who actually mattered.
Try to think about how SIL makes you feel,and when you have felt like that in the past. A particular time of your life, a trauma, a person (parent?).

You are unconsciously seeking out repetition of this because that's what we do (if you believe Freud), perhaps until you resolve the original cause.
SIL will have no idea she's living rent free in your head. You must feel a slave to these emotions and there's no resolution because there hasn't particularly been an incident with her for you to respond to.

Talk it over with your counsellor and keep working on it, you'll get past it 💐

I feel for you OP, but you really need to start seriously owning why you are chasing someone who causes you such pain and upset.

Thats really fxxked up.
No one is asking you to do this.
You are blessed your husband gets it.

Yet you are determined to give her your peace.

Focus on your shit, because it is dominating you and your family.

So unfair on your husband and children.

Drop that rope completely.
Avoid her 100%.
Focus on fixing yourself, that is the only person you can ever change, certainly not her.

This. I don't think the OP is that reliable a narrator.

Sounds a bit like the SIL is just going about her business and gets slagged off.

Thanks for the advice, I do appreciate it. And I agree that it’s getting too big. I’m going to make some notes on everyone’s comments and take them to my next appointment.

Thanks for your contribution but you are so far off the mark.

I’ve stupidly and I know I am an absolute twat for doing this but stupidly reached out again, with a message to her about a potential half term activity. No response and the message has been read. Husband is fuming and I just wish I could slide off the planet.

Fuming at you, or at SIL?

Your poor husband.
Very hard to live with someone who is determined to self sabotage and drag every one down in the process.

If your husband was my brother I would be asking him if this is really how he wants to live?

Someone who is addicted to drama/victimhood/ being upset constantly by other people ......is so exhausting to live with.

Think on. Is YOUR need for drama worth more than your marriage and your husbands regard for you?

You could well lose both if you don't cop yourself on.