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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to manage social situations and kids with colds

66 replies

StillTryingtoBuy · 16/02/2025 01:43

I think I’ve lost the ability to judge how to manage social situations and kids with colds so am looking for a steer. amy kids were very young before covid so not sure what was the norm then or what the new norm is now either.

I have young children, toddler and school age. Among other friends with young children there is an acceptance that kids get colds, they are in childcare and school and basically very exploded to bugs. If we have plans with another family and one of mine has a cough / runny nose I’ll usually tell the other family and they will say they are happy to stick with the plan and still meet. If the child has a fever we would cancel as the sick child won’t be well enough to enjoy the activity anyway.

I should say we are lucky we have no particular vulnerabilities to illness and would also stick with plans if a child we’re meeting had a cold i.e. cough / runny nose. I appreciate a heads up but wouldn’t especially mind if a child we were meeting turned out to have cold symptoms. Different if they were very unwell but runny nose / cough symptoms seem constant with small kids and wouldn’t bother me.

I find it more difficult though with extended family where we have plans with adults who don’t have young kids. Do they expect us to cancel or warn in advance about cold symptoms…?

We are meant to meet wider family tomorrow and my toddler has a cough. No fever and they’ve had it for a week, checked by doctor about 4 days in and no treatment needed - viral and let it ride out. Everyone else in the family is well.

I’ve told those people I’m in regular touch with as it came up in conversation - how’s your week, fine, X has a cough etc. But I haven’t messaged everyone we’ll be seeing to let them know about this cough. Should I? Is that what people generally do? I don’t know if people have reasons to be more cautious about coughs for example. Or is messaging everyone over the top and will they think my child is more ill than they actually are or that I want to cancel?

What is the norm here with kids and colds…thanks!

OP posts:

ARealitycheck · 16/02/2025 02:08

Stop the health anxiety is my advice. Unless you or the people you are visiting have serious underlying health issues carry on as normal. The world cannot just stop because the common cold is doing the rounds.

Cupcakes2035 · 16/02/2025 02:08

hazmat suits

comfyshoes2022 · 16/02/2025 02:09

I’m not sure what the norms are exactly but I personally prefer it if people give a heads up about such things in advance, so that’s what I’d do in your shoes. Definitely not everyone does this but I think it is considerate so that people can act accordingly based on whatever their circumstances are.

PeloMom · 16/02/2025 02:15

I’d like a heads up if someone or their kid is unwell. my ILs also like to know- and usually cancel as 10/10 whatever my kid had they get as well (despite my kid not being visibly sick/unwell). I get it- they’re sick of being sick. Also the last 3 winters have been quite bad for us illness wise so I prefer not to hang out with other people’s sick kids. This month alone I had 2 colds and a noro so no thank you I wouldn’t like to expose myself knowingly to someone else’s cold too on top.

salemcooper · 16/02/2025 02:51

We stopped avoiding colds and illnesses and stopped avoiding spreading them when dd turned 1. We'd never leave the house otherwise. We do warn people "by the way, dd has a cold" and 99% of the time they don't care.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 16/02/2025 02:57

Always give people the heads up. I am ECV and it wouldn’t actually bother me I would just keep away from him (nicely). The thing is people don’t need to be ECV or CV to be at risk, being in steroids for example can cause issue if coming into people with certain illnesses.

Original poster

StillTryingtoBuy · 16/02/2025 08:31

Okay thanks everyone. This event today will have 30 or so people at it and I wouldn’t have contact numbers for everyone, also part of it is in a public space and the second part is in my relative’s home. We aren’t the host and have made the host aware so maybe that’s sufficient.

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 16/02/2025 08:34

If I knew someone was vulnerable (eg doing chemo) I'd give a heads up but otherwise not.

Teisen1990 · 16/02/2025 08:39

I think you should always give a heads up and let people decide. Yes bugs are always circulating but there are dozens of reasons why they might prefer not to be exposed. It's seems polite to me and personally I'd be a little annoyed not to know.

cinnamonbunfight · 16/02/2025 08:45

You should give people a heads up so they can make their own decisions. I’d find it incredibly irritating if my family members didn’t do this.

DreamW3aver · 16/02/2025 08:50

Casting my mind back to when my children were young and I don't think anyone ever warned me that their child had a cold and it wouldn't have occured to me to warn anyone else. I would have wondered why it was being mentioned.

Has the world really changed that much?

GrazeConcern · 16/02/2025 08:54

I certainly wouldn’t be mentioning it with a cough that old, coughs can linger on well past the point they’re infectious. If mine were coming down with a cold and were in the first 1-4 days very sneezy super spreader type stage I might stay away, or warn people to stay away from them or use some Vicks first defence, but it would depend a lot on context.

ThePartingOfTheWays · 16/02/2025 08:59

StillTryingtoBuy · 16/02/2025 08:31

That's fine.

Wells37 · 16/02/2025 09:03

if the adults are immunosuppressed or are carers for someone mention it otherwise its ok I would say.
Im having cancer treatment at the moment and would appreciate someone giving me the heads up, although im not immunosuppressed at the moment side effects are pretty rubbish. But little kids get ill all the time so understand it's difficult.

VeryDeepEverything · 16/02/2025 09:05

If it's a small group of people I just group message to say DC has got a cold but feeling well in themselves, are you happy to keep the plans or should we stay home/rearrange?

If the small group is family and we're close I will already know what their take on that would be, so I don't always do that as we already have an understanding.

If it's a big group of people you can't consult them all, so you mention it to the organiser/host who can call it, and often says something like 'oh yes, five other people are in the same boat, don't worry it's fine' or ' actually uncle Bob is vulnerable let me check with him and confirm'

Notgivenuphope · 16/02/2025 09:06

Do exactly what you would have done pre 2020.

Im my case nothing

mitogoshigg · 16/02/2025 09:10

If the child is bouncing around, playing, asking to go to the park etc despite a cough and cold we always carried on regardless. If the child is acting unwell, grumpy, sleepy, whining etc then I would think twice about taking them because they would not enjoy it and really need a sofa day. Basically ignore the nose running of cough, how is the child otherwise?

Obviously there's times you need to go out despite them being quite unwell, that's when pushchairs are excellent when they are small enough, my dc dosed through many an event

LegoHouse274 · 16/02/2025 09:10

It depends on the situation. A big event like you're describing, I think it's courteous to tell the host, which you've done. Otherwise you can't do much else in that situation.

If meeting just one family then I'd tell them and leave it up to them to decide, just as you do.

I'm probably more sensitive to this type of thing than many people as my DM is immuno-compromised. That still doesn't mean we don't take our kids anywhere with mild colds though because we are a family of 5 and we'd never go anywhere otherwise. 4/5 of us have one atm which is a nightmare...only the baby seems to have escaped (so far), which I presume is down to breastfeeding.

DutchCowgirl · 16/02/2025 09:12

For just a runny nose i wouldn’t give a heads up. But if kid had just recovered from a fever, or d&v I definitely would.
Pre-covid I didn’t… but i remember our family visiting friends with kids and they were very graphically explaining how bad they all had d&v the week before… and ofcourse we all caught it the week after our visit. 😏It would have been so easy to prevent this.

SwanOfThoseThings · 16/02/2025 09:14

My heart sinks if someone with a cold comes near me - colds completely wipe me out for a few days and then linger with cough and sinus pain for weeks. So I would definitely want to know about DC with colds being at an event, so I could stop at home and avoid them.

Original poster

StillTryingtoBuy · 16/02/2025 09:23

Thanks everyone. Thisis an anniversary of a very loved family member and we are their close family member so not attending would be a big call from us. It sounds like half the world would think we are foolish to attend and half would think we were strange for cancelling.

I do think the world has changed forever in this way since covid as those of us with small kids got used to missing important family events and holidays etc because one child had a runny nose. But I appreciate we’ve had more consideration of people with vulnerabilities. I find it a tricky balance though.

OP posts:

MumonabikeE5 · 16/02/2025 09:39

I don’t arrange social interactions when my kids are coughing during the day or have productive colds.
as I think it anti social to bring germs to others.
I definitely don’t take kids with snotty noses and coughs to visit adults.

I also don’t send my kids into school if they are very intensely snotty and sneezy because how else do we limit the movement of germs if you send kids in who are spraying germs everywhere?

that’s not to say they stay off the entire time they are have a cold, but for the most intense days.

and I would prefer it if other parents did the same. We don’t need to endlessly pass germs around.

Loopytiles · 16/02/2025 09:42

If this is your family surely you know them well enough to know if they have actual or psychological health worries, & if they do what their stance is. If it’s your partner’s family I’d let them decide & do nothing!

SallyWD · 16/02/2025 09:43

If they have a sniffle, I don't mention it. If it's a really nasty cold, I warn people.
Last year my daughter had two friends over. They were both streaming with cold. Croaky voices, non-stop runny noses. My immune system isn't great and colds affect me badly. I ended up with an awful illness. It knocked me off my feet for days and I had to take time off work. I just wish I'd known they were ill, and I would have postponed.

Weddingbells6 · 16/02/2025 09:44

4 kids, two grown and two young ones. My attitude to it has changed now, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought before but now I try and avoid seeing anyone with a cold and I avoid taking my kids anywhere enclosed / elderly relatives when they have a cold because it takes such a long time to recover these days and you never know if someone has a special event coming up that it will ruin. Again though, they could catch it anywhere. Having said that, they go to school with a cold. I don’t think there’s a right and wrong answer but teach them to cough into elbow, wash hands regularly etc which I’m sure you already do.

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