Increasingly frustrating trying to maintain a relationship with partners daughter

[LindyHMEM]

I’ve been with my partner for 17 years, I have one son who is 39, and he has a daughter who is 32. My son has 2 children who are 8 and 5, his daughter has 2 children who are 4 and 2. When my partner and I met, she was 15, her mum passed away when she was 12 and if I’m honest upon reflection we didn’t really navigate the start of the relationship very well. I probably met her way too soon and we tried to create a happy family far too quickly. At 18 she moved to Canada for university and would come back once a year, she didn’t move back to the UK until 6 years ago. She now lives about an hour and a half away and it feels impossible to maintain a relationship with her.
She comes down to our area once a month to visit her gran (mums, mum), we offer to have them over every time but it’s always a no. So we have fallen into a routine of every other month meeting them somewhere public, either going for lunch, to the beach with the kids etc. She will not meet up with us if my son or his children are with us. Then on the month we don’t meet up when she is down, we travel up to hers and spend an afternoon with them. My partner is a coach driver so often has to work weekends and we are often meant to be providing childcare for my son on weekends too as he and his wife both do shift work. They have made it clear the children aren’t welcome.
She also refuses to visit my partners parents in their home despite them being in their 80s so every other month they end up having to come out to see her and the kids. She won’t justify why this is at all but we have a theory that it’s because we live in council flats and she now lives in a large rural old house and sends her kids to private school so she doesn’t view our home as good enough.
Anyway this weekend we are meant to be going up to see her but we have my son’s youngest child, we told her this and she said we can just not come yet. It’s pissed us off as she is 5 years old, what possible issue can she have with a 5 year old!!
We also didn’t see her last month as she told us they were just picking her gran up and taking her up to stay with them for a couple of days so wouldn’t actually be spending anytime in the area. We asked if we could meet before but it was a no.
The grandchildren hardly know us, we have offered to FaceTime but it’s always a no.

Im half tempted to say fine, we tried but she’s clearly not interested in being close to us so we should back off. My partner is quite passive and feels similar.

AIBU to say it’s getting too difficult so we just need to back off.

Who is doing all the reaching out? You or your DP?

Shes has mentally moved herself away from you and changed her life but presumably still misses her DM. Maybe your DP needs to make more effort or try to see her without you there at all.

its been so long I doubt she will change her stance much but she might at least build a slightly better relationship with her DF.

Tbh I would leave it. If you always have to bend over backwards to please her it's not worth the effort. At least for you. Your partner could go see his daughter by himself if he wants to (maybe this is what she wants?).

Time to drop the rope on your end.

She's made it very clear she won't see you guys if you have your son's children. She doesn't want any sort of relationship with your grandchildren. Stop pushing it.

Your husband should visit her on his own.

Where you two ever close? If you were not before, it does not seem likely she would want to be now.
It does not sound to me as if she ever wanted you and your son in her life.

Her dad needs to see her on his own. You sound lovely but take a step back.

Some stepmums always want to be involved in every minute of their husband's time with their biological kids. Be honest, could it be that? If she never ever sees her dad alone, maybe that's what she wants? Maybe she just wants to see her dad sometimes, and is reserved because she knows it is always a circus of other people. That he will never prioritise her and tell you to stay at home. That hurts, I've been through that. I don't see mine now. He's happy with his second family and I refuse to be his half-arsed second option, with every occasion dominated by his controlling wife.

I suggest that with respect, maybe it is coming from a nice place that you want to be involved, but perhaps that's not what's best for her all the time. Presuming that she's snobby about housing is also a bit close to bitching about her, are you sure you're as pleasant with her as you think?

Of course she's an adult and should be able to express her feelings. However, I guarantee you that somewhere inside her is a little girl who is still hurting over losing her mum, and of course it's linked with you being involved very quickly at that time. Her dad should have navigated that better too, he sounds a bit useless and passive maybe. It's so complicated. I would send him alone to see her.

I suspect she’s wondering why her dad isn’t going up by himself if you are doing your weekly childcare. I realise that he probably wants to see your grandchildren too but as he sees them weekly but his own grandchildren monthly, it might be worth considering that he goes up every other month before the kids know him even less.

I think you have to let go the animosity about how much she sees her mum and her side of the family. My guess is that they’ve always been closer so she misses them more.

There is a lot of WE in your post. Why can't you stay home with grandson and your husband and visit his dd.

Dos he try and maintain a relationship by himself

I think the speculation that she looks down on you for being from a council estate sounds a little unkind - its likely to be the other circumstances you describe

I wonder how the beginning of your relationship was for her?

Agree with pps that your dh should focus on a relationship with his daughter and his grandchildren. How sad for her having lost her mum at such a crucial point in her life 🥺

Edited - I'd take a step back completely, wouldn't even send a message or anything, and let him focus on building bridges with his daughter x

You have outlined a lot about what you do, or “we” do- and also say your partner is passive- how much effort does your partner/her a father make? I’m wondering if the issue is that he makes little effort with her, so she has decided to reflect that back at him?

By your own admission, the start of the relationship was not managed well and it is possible that this has had a bigger impact on her relationship with her father and with you. Perhaps there is a longstanding resentment or a feeling of her wishes not being properly considered or even of being pushed out (even though I understand that would not have been your intent). It is very clear she does not want to be part of your wider family, though would appear to want to maintain a relationship with her maternal grandparents and to some extent her father and his side. Maybe she is being childish or maybe even due to snobbery as you suspect. But, given her absolute avoidance of your family, I think it may be deeper seated problem and due to longstanding hurt/anger/resentment. None of us can say if that is a “reasonable” response to what happened, but it is very clear that there IS something that is behind it. I think it is more likely than not that this had nothing to do with snobbery, and everything to do with how she feels about things that happened between you all when she was younger.

The only parent in her life is her father and really that needs to be respected.
Your post refers to ‘we’ a lot which sounds like you are always together when trying to meet with her.
Not everyone is accepting of others who come into their lives through marriage/partnership and that is just the way it can be.
it sounds like you have a lovey relationship with your son and grandchildren and your son has accepted your husband.
She and her father should be able to have the opportunity to nurture a relationship without you.
It can be tough but you can’t form bonds with people unless it is two way.

This. It doesn’t need to be a family outing. He can go by himself.

Step back and enjoy the ones who embrace you op. She sounds a right madam. It wasn't op's fault her dm died.

YANBU to not bother with DSD if you so choose.

YABVU to dictate to DH what he does concerning his relationship with his daughter.

Don’t visit her, don’t meet up with her, whatever. It doesn’t sound like she will care. But you shouldn’t be dripping negativity into DH about his contact with her.

Im sure you can manage to do things independently of each other at your (my) age.

If you take your other grandchild (who you quite obviously already have a strong relationship with due to the childcare) then your focus will be on that child and NOT her children. I think she feels your son and his children are forever taking priority and she wants her children to be the main focus and not another child. Knowing she doesn't want his kids going, why did your partner not put her first this time, and tell your son you were not available for childcare?
I'd imagine it's part of a bigger picture where ultimately you prioritise your son, naturally, but her own dad does not prioritise her, as he should.

And also this. If you have offered childcare for another grandchild you stay home and her dad can go and see her on his own she would probably really value that. You don't need to go.

💯 this!
why doesn’t he make an effort? I want to see my DM not her partner of 20 odd years. And why would she want a relationship with your son or his children? You barged into her life, she didn’t ask for your or them to be in her life.

My ex had this situation in his family. His DF's DD didn't take to his new wife and he won't see her on his own. I think he would but his 'new' wife would be affronted.
Such a shame as they are now NC and he's missed out on so much.
Encourage your DH to visit on his own and see how that goes down.
I think I'd find it hard to have a new family pushed on me. I'd distance myself I think.

What was her and your sons relationship like?

There is so much at play here i cannot even believe you think it's snobbery.

1. Your son might have abused her.
2. If not, you and and your son moved in with her and her dad and, sorry I can't put this nicer) took over her family. Her family was her and her mum and dad. Then her and her dad. Then all of a sudden it you, him, your dad and her. She even ran away to Canada to put an ocean between you all to get the space she needed.
3. She doesn't want to be in your space. Because it isn't hers, that was taken away by dad moving you and your son in together. .
4. I suspect her dad always let's you run the show. Not just in a bossy way but u bet you run round after him cooking, cleaning, organising his appointments.. everything he should have, and may have been doing, when he was an active dad when it was just them.
5. The girl wanted a dad. She doesn't really have one does she? He has a new family who live nearby and don't inconvenience him.

Honestly OP, I suspect she hates him but is so scared of losing a parent she can't quite sever the last shred of relationship, which likely, to your credit, only exists because you make arrangements and her passove dad turns up.

I'm not having a dig at you, all you did was move in too soon. But it sounds like her dad is a passenger in life (ironically) and has been so passive and just let's everyone sort his life out. Aren't you tired?

Aside from the “we” (which i agree with) what stands out is her refusal to see your son. Could something have happened between them when younger? I’m assuming he also lived with you at the time.

Going to Canada for university is pretty far to go. It definitely sends a message that she wanted to get as far away as possible.

I agree it is time for you to step back and for her dad to start stepping forward and making the effort.

Yeah, my adult DC can’t bear their dad’s wife. According to them she’s racist, homophobic and generally thick. Nothing to do with me, I have minimal contact with her, she wasn’t OW and I have no interest.

Unfortunately, he has somehow lost his ability to spend time with his own children without his wife in tow.

They see him maybe once or twice a year. Have never bothered to visit the home he shares with her. He must know she’s the problem, but no way that I could say anything obviously. Such a shame but his loss as they are both amazing.

he's passive and not that bothered???? when he is her only living parent?

probably why she is hurt and not engaging much.

You made so many wrong assumptions.

My son was 22 when I met my partner, he was living with his girlfriend.
We didn’t move in together until she moved to Canada, when we did he moved in with me.
She barely had any contact with my son just Christmas I think, maybe Easter.

The biggest issue we had was she was a sporty kid, she competed at a national level in a sport and when he met me he stopped going as much. I’ve I’m honest I didn’t really know at the time he wasn’t attending.
She also says she hates that he left her home alone 3-4 nights a week from 15/16.

My son really isn’t the issue.

If DH was that interested in his DD he would visit her alone.
That's probably why she is hurting, its likely not personal to you
You are kind, but have tried too hard to make everything right, when DH should do that.

From your updates he was a shit dad @LindyHMEM

Would he visit his DD without you holding his hand? Or is he just not bothered about her?