Increasingly frustrating trying to maintain a relationship with partners daughter

[LindyHMEM]

I’ve been with my partner for 17 years, I have one son who is 39, and he has a daughter who is 32. My son has 2 children who are 8 and 5, his daughter has 2 children who are 4 and 2. When my partner and I met, she was 15, her mum passed away when she was 12 and if I’m honest upon reflection we didn’t really navigate the start of the relationship very well. I probably met her way too soon and we tried to create a happy family far too quickly. At 18 she moved to Canada for university and would come back once a year, she didn’t move back to the UK until 6 years ago. She now lives about an hour and a half away and it feels impossible to maintain a relationship with her.
She comes down to our area once a month to visit her gran (mums, mum), we offer to have them over every time but it’s always a no. So we have fallen into a routine of every other month meeting them somewhere public, either going for lunch, to the beach with the kids etc. She will not meet up with us if my son or his children are with us. Then on the month we don’t meet up when she is down, we travel up to hers and spend an afternoon with them. My partner is a coach driver so often has to work weekends and we are often meant to be providing childcare for my son on weekends too as he and his wife both do shift work. They have made it clear the children aren’t welcome.
She also refuses to visit my partners parents in their home despite them being in their 80s so every other month they end up having to come out to see her and the kids. She won’t justify why this is at all but we have a theory that it’s because we live in council flats and she now lives in a large rural old house and sends her kids to private school so she doesn’t view our home as good enough.
Anyway this weekend we are meant to be going up to see her but we have my son’s youngest child, we told her this and she said we can just not come yet. It’s pissed us off as she is 5 years old, what possible issue can she have with a 5 year old!!
We also didn’t see her last month as she told us they were just picking her gran up and taking her up to stay with them for a couple of days so wouldn’t actually be spending anytime in the area. We asked if we could meet before but it was a no.
The grandchildren hardly know us, we have offered to FaceTime but it’s always a no.

Im half tempted to say fine, we tried but she’s clearly not interested in being close to us so we should back off. My partner is quite passive and feels similar.

AIBU to say it’s getting too difficult so we just need to back off.

Eek! Yes, with your update I can completely see why she feels the way she does. Your husband behaved appallingly towards his young daughter who had just lost the most important person in her life. She must have some deep rooted abandonment issues from that. Poor girl and now poor woman.

There's a lot of 'we' and 'us' in your post. It sounds like you come as a package deal. Thats not fair. Youre not her mother. She clearly doesn't want a relationship with you. Stop forcing it.

It's up to her father to try to forge a relationship with her and with his grandchildren. It's up to him to give the time that she never got because you were on the scene too soon 'trying to create a happy family'.

You're still trying to create/force a happy family. Its got nothing to go with a council house or anything of the sort. Your son is not her family. You need to take back seat on this.

From reading it I wouldn't assume snobbery. Who supported her in Canada? I can't imagine how hard it would be losing your mom at 12 and then I imagine she lost her dad too.

Did her dad ever visit in Canada? It sounds like she just came home once a year.

No, your DH is. He stopped going to her events and had left her alone a lot. He’s a disgrace as a father to a motherless daughter.

As hard as it may be, I think you do need to step back. I suspect your step-daughter wants a relationship with her Dad, and isn't interested in you, your children or grandchildren. It would be simpler for your husband to visit his daughter by himself and again if she visits the area where you live, he meets with her himself. Has your husband ever seen his daughter without you being there? He needs to build a relationship with his daughter and grandchildren. It's lovely that your son accepts your husband and you all have a good relationship with him. I believe his daughter is distant because her Dad is never without you in tow. I know it feels horrible, and yes it's a rejection, but you can't make her be involved with you and your family. However, you need to encourage your husband to build a relationship with his daughter and grandchildren, even if that means without you.

Your update explains it all. She doesn’t make as much effort with her dad because he suddenly stopped making an effort with her at 15-16 in order to prioritise his relationship with you. I know that they aren’t choices that you made but it’s clear why her dad isn’t a priority any more and why she doesn’t want your grandkids there- she wants her dad, not a reminder of everyone else he’s prioritised over her.

It sounds like your SD has some issues with her father (and possibly/probably you) stemming from her childhood. Look at it from her point of view - she lost her mum and then her dad got together with you and sounds as though he was an absent father, at least some of the time. If I were you, I'd leave it up to your husband to make the effort to have a better relationship with his daughter. Concentrate on your own son and grandchildren and let him make the visits on his own.

I also think she needs a 1 on 1 relationship with her Dad so you should step back a bit.

She lost her Mum at 12. Even though she's over 30 it will always hurt.

Did he keep the family home, or was she essentially made homeless at 18?

He stopped prioritising his daughters welfare when he met you.

As a child she was abandoned several times a week.

So he’s a rubbish dad who felt he had no need to prioritise his daughters wellbeing.

Her Dad got a new girlfriend, stopped going to her sporting events and left her home alone 50% of the time! No wonder she doesn’t want a relationship with him. Maybe you didn’t know about the sport but you must have known he was with you 3-4 nights a week and that he had a teenage daughter home alone. Why do you think you deserve a relationship with her? It doesn’t sound like her Dad prioritised her during her teen years when kids need their parents most, especially a teen who was only recently bereaved of her mum, why would she bother with him now? He made it clear his relationship with you was more important than his relationship with her and you stood by and let it happen. So sad for your DSD.

It was a council house so as soon as he moved out it was someone else’s. She always had a room at my house though.

This has nothing to do with anyone living in a council flat and everything to do with your DH being a shitty, selfish father and not prioritising her after her mum passed and he met you. She has probably put you in the same box as him.

Take a step back, encourage your husband to build a relationship with her on his own.

That’s a tough thing to say, I know - but my DM died when DB and I were a few years older - and our DF was always there for us. What the hell was your DH doing?

Going forward, he needs to talk to her without you plus kids there and he needs to own the extent of his neglect of her. He has a lot of work to do.

Honestly, I think something may have happened between your son and her. Doesn't matter that he was living with his girlfriend and only visiting occasionally.

She was 15, he was 22.

She's adamant she doesn't want to see him or his children. She seems to have very strong feelings about it for there to be nothing there. Those feelings could extend out to you.

Uncomfortable to hear but seems to explain the situation.

sorry OP but from the outside I think this is a reasonable explanation and to be fair, you wouldn't know for sure.

Absolutely. She lost her mum at 12, and then her dad at 15/16. Even now he makes no real effort with her without you and your grandchildren foisted on her

With all due respect why would she want contact with you? Can your DP visit her without you?

It’s physically impossible. The only times and I mean only times they have been together are at Christmas and Easter for maybe 3 hours to eat a meal around a table. She would never stay after Christmas dinner (she would literally get her dad to drive her home and come back).

My Dad chose his partner over me and my brother. I want a relationship with him but have no interest in forming a relationship with her and her family.

I know I'm jealous that he's with her and her family daily/weekly and I see him every 6 months if I'm lucky.

I've chosen to not ask for more because of how unhappy I am after I've seen him and hear how wonderful their life is while me and my children mean so little to him. I do as much as I can to protect the fragile relationship I have with him.

Sounds like your step daughter may feel the same, it's nothing against you but you aren't the person she needs

She also says she hates that he left her home alone 3-4 nights a week from 15/16.

I’m not surprised she feels the way she does!

Her mum died and her dad was too busy shagging his new gf than going to her events or parenting her whilst she was still in school.

He was a negligent parent and it sounds like he wouldn’t bother with her if you weren’t the one maintaining the relationship.

Well, whatever the reason she clearly doesn't want a relationship so maybe best you leave her alone.

I feel incredibly sorry for her. Everyone has let her down.

You're really not getting it.

Her family home was gone. A room at 'your' house would never be a home for her. Of course she never came back.

You both sound absolutely clueless.

I don’t blame her in the slightest from all the information so far, I feel very sorry for her though.

If I were you I would offer to meet up, just the two of you, and have a heart to heart because you definitely aren’t seeing this from her side enough. Her DF seems shit or I’d say he should be the one to hear her out.

Think this nails it, excellent post.
There is so much more going on relating to her teens. She was a grief stricken child who suffered the worst loss imaginable, at a truly horrendous age. Old enough to understand her loss, but not mature enough yet to navigate it without huge amounts of help and support from her Dad. Who then moved in with you and your son.

You must remember that your son is absolutely nothing to her. They did not grow up together, they did not share any of the same life experiences, he was just a random, much older boy who was around at the worst time in her life. Even if they did get on as teens, there is absolutely no familial bond for them to fall back on.

Please try to put yourself in her shoes. She wanted a Dad and a Mum and it appears from your posts that she probably lost both…..

I was in a similar situation to your SD. One parent died, the other didn’t do any real parenting but busy dating and moved partner in less than a year later. So 8 months after my parent died I was living with a strange man.

needless to say, I have never really forgiven my parent and I have zero interest in havinf a family relationship with her partner. Like your SD I have young kids and I don’t care if he sees them or not. He is not their step grandparent.
Your DH needs to repair the relationship, you need to take a step back.

Actually, I take that back I don't feel sorry for her, I think given the useless start in life she has had she's done incredibly well for herself.

She obviously has a great relationship with her maternal grandmother and has got on well in life. She's more successful than those around her despite a rocky childhood. So good on her.

Now leave her alone and stop looking for reasons to pick her apart.