Increasingly frustrating trying to maintain a relationship with partners daughter

[LindyHMEM]

I’ve been with my partner for 17 years, I have one son who is 39, and he has a daughter who is 32. My son has 2 children who are 8 and 5, his daughter has 2 children who are 4 and 2. When my partner and I met, she was 15, her mum passed away when she was 12 and if I’m honest upon reflection we didn’t really navigate the start of the relationship very well. I probably met her way too soon and we tried to create a happy family far too quickly. At 18 she moved to Canada for university and would come back once a year, she didn’t move back to the UK until 6 years ago. She now lives about an hour and a half away and it feels impossible to maintain a relationship with her.
She comes down to our area once a month to visit her gran (mums, mum), we offer to have them over every time but it’s always a no. So we have fallen into a routine of every other month meeting them somewhere public, either going for lunch, to the beach with the kids etc. She will not meet up with us if my son or his children are with us. Then on the month we don’t meet up when she is down, we travel up to hers and spend an afternoon with them. My partner is a coach driver so often has to work weekends and we are often meant to be providing childcare for my son on weekends too as he and his wife both do shift work. They have made it clear the children aren’t welcome.
She also refuses to visit my partners parents in their home despite them being in their 80s so every other month they end up having to come out to see her and the kids. She won’t justify why this is at all but we have a theory that it’s because we live in council flats and she now lives in a large rural old house and sends her kids to private school so she doesn’t view our home as good enough.
Anyway this weekend we are meant to be going up to see her but we have my son’s youngest child, we told her this and she said we can just not come yet. It’s pissed us off as she is 5 years old, what possible issue can she have with a 5 year old!!
We also didn’t see her last month as she told us they were just picking her gran up and taking her up to stay with them for a couple of days so wouldn’t actually be spending anytime in the area. We asked if we could meet before but it was a no.
The grandchildren hardly know us, we have offered to FaceTime but it’s always a no.

Im half tempted to say fine, we tried but she’s clearly not interested in being close to us so we should back off. My partner is quite passive and feels similar.

AIBU to say it’s getting too difficult so we just need to back off.

So why would she want to see him now or see his kids? They are strangers to her, not family.

Unfortunately this is my kids Dad too. His partner is nice enough a bit snide on occasion but she has two DD similar ages to mine. He never made an effort to see them without his partner and kids in tow, the SD had lovely bedrooms each and quite spoiled but mine had nothing from him so no holidays, days out just few hours in front of a tv with freezer food. They were very hurt when younger, now very early 20’s DD would like basically no contact and DS just feels obligated. I totally understand how you feel @SunshineRoo27 men are so weak.

Wow your husband isn't passive he's an absolute sorry excuse of a father and man and you are not much better for standing by and letting it happen. No wonder she wants little to do with you both. You should be grateful for any time she does give you, as it better than what you both have her!

Leaving a child who had only just lost a mother alone several nights a week, giving up her home the minute she went to uni and by the sounds of most recent update leaving her to spend most of Xmas day alone too.

I'm glad she has her grandmother cos she's not had any other adult support really has she!!

Ahh, it all makes sense with your updates. I think you know that this is nothing to do with snobbery on her part. That’s just an easier story for you both to tell yourselves, to place the blame on her and her character flaws, rather than face up to your own parts in this situation. I think your DH is far more responsible for this than you, but you both played your parts.

i cannot believe you have not worked out the source of the problem- are you being disingenuous? It’s just that you’ve just told us clearly why she is not close to her dad (and by extension, you), so it’s hard to understand how you can’t see it?

I think it is clear that after only a short time of entering a relationship with you, her father began to very obviously prioritise you/spending time with you over being there for her. He stopped being involved in important aspects of her life. All this happened not that long, in the grand scheme of things, after losing her mother and all the turmoil that must have brought. You admit that you both moved too quickly with introductions and tried to force a happy family before she was ready. That was quite possibly very damaging to her emotionally, and almost certainly to her relationships with both her father and you. Have either of you ever acknowledged that you recognise that these things weren’t fair to her?

I’m sure there were a number of reasons for her going to Canada to study, but I’d bet one of them was to try and put space between her and a situation in which she was unhappy and to distance herself from a father who hurt her. It might have been easier to be far away, so she couldn’t have the fact that she wasn’t a priority rubbed in her face, for instance. Then, once she had left he moved in with you- so now she effectively had no home to come back to- why would she bother? I’m not saying you would not have allowed her to stay, or that you would not have tried to be welcoming, but I think it’s understandable that she would not have felt comfortable moving into the home of the woman who had become her father’s priority when she still needed his support. And possibly, whom she felt some animosity towards because she was forced into having a relationship with and, moreover, playing “happy families” with, long before she was ready.

I think she is trying to maintain a relationship with her father, but doing so on her terms- perhaps she is trying to protect herself from being hurt by controlling what she does/where she stays/who she sees. It’s hard to say how her paternal grandparents fit in there- maybe she fees they haven’t been supportive of her, but that her maternal grandparents have been, therefor she feels comfortable visiting the latter? In any case, I think it’s clear she doesn’t really want a relationship with you or your son/his family- maybe she feels your DH also prioritised/continues to prioritise your son/your grandchildren over her too?

I don’t understand why your DH cannot visit her without you? That way you could look after your grandchildren as planned, and he could still see his daughter and his grandchildren. My guess is that he won’t do that as he can’t be bothered to make the effort, or because you don’t want him to do that, for some reason.

I have also been in a similar position to your SD. She is putting these boundaries in place to protect herself as emotionally this must have been so so difficult for her, but she doesn't want to go full non-contact. Agree with all the other posters that the only way this situation can improve is through your DH putting in a huge amount of effort. Only when they two of them have rebuilt a relationship MIGHT you (not your whole family, just you) be able to also build an amicable relationship. Sadly personal experience tells me it will be easier for you and your DH to write her off as "difficult" and nothing will improve.

@OnARainyDay2012 I agree. It’s quite clear that both OP and her husband have the emotional intelligence of a rock so they will most likely just carry on pretending that it’s the daughter who is difficult and snobby. Can’t possibly be because she was abandoned as a child by her dad because of OP.

Poor girl I feel awful for her. She lost her mum so young, and instead of prioritizing her her Dad stopped going to her activities and left her alone to be with you instead. I think it's the relationships that are the issue, not your house. Maybe too late, but hopefully he can try and repair. I agree with others, he should go alone and spend time with his daughter as much as he can.

Op she's 32, a fully grown adult so why the need of approval from her. Why are you so desperately trying to get her to play happy families. She clearly has an issue with her family so leave her to deal with it on her terms and just stop making the effort. I think she clearly does not see you as a grandparent to her kids, and neither are your GC any relation to hers so what do you gain from trying to push this effort? Your dp needs to manage this with her. I mean you are involving yourself in a situation where you have absolutely nothing but disappointment to gain, so just leave it be. She is very clear on where she stands so respect that.

What do you mean she'd literally get her dad to drive her home and come back? Is this when she was 15? And he'd drop her home and come back to you and leave her home alone on Christmas? Or when she was 18 coming home from Canada did she live elsewhere?

Oh this is so sad! Think about the life she should have had with a loving mum and dad attending all her sporting events and having a happy family around her as she grew up. Instead it was all ripped away from her within a few years and her Dad chose a new family to spend all his time with instead.

it literally makes me want to cry for her.

She doesn't see her mum at all. Her mums dead

I'm glad that your son isn't the issue but had to raise it as an possibility.

I think the issue then is that her.dad basically dropped her like a hot potato.

I thought this too, it’s telling that the OP seems to have disappeared from this thread and gave no response to the majority of posters asking why her husband couldn’t visit alone. There is no way OP wasn’t aware this child was being left alone for half the week.
I can’t even think about it her at 15 coming from school to an empty house, making her own tea and taking herself to bed even being left on Christmas Day, this is neglect.
Shame on you both.

@LindyHMEM if you're looking after your son's kids , why can't your husband go and see his daughter on his own?
I never saw my Dad on his own without his partner, not nice.

She always had a room at my house though

Did she? Or was the room a room that had been occupied by your DS. Did she ever get offered this room to redecorate to her taste or was it just a bed

In her eyes as soon as she left for university he moved in with you and she effectively didn’t have a home to move back to.

Why did he give up a council house to move into a council flat when you would obviously need more space not less.

I can see the problem and faced with a dead mother and an uncaring father who couldn’t be arsed to maintain a relationship with her on his own it’s no wonder she doesn’t want to see him.

In all the years that have passed has your partner ever spent any significant time on his own with his dd or are you and your family always around.

1.5 hours is no distance to travel to see his dd. Most people do that as a commute.

I commute longer than that for work

The biggest issue we had was she was a sporty kid, she competed at a national level in a sport and when he met me he stopped going as much. I’ve I’m honest I didn’t really know at the time he wasn’t attending.
She also says she hates that he left her home alone 3-4 nights a week from 15/16

His DD was left by herself for four days a week aged 15?? Because her dad had a new girlfriend and was more interested in shagging her than parenting?

How is that not abject neglect? I’m amazed she even speaks to him tbh.