Aibu to be upset my manager spoilt my holiday

[geekygardener]

Hi

Ok so he didn't actually intentionally spoil my holiday but it feels very unfair.

I'm due to have a weeks annual leave next week. I haven't had a break from work in months. I really need it as I'm feeling burnt out. My job is extremely stressful. I can't understate that enough. My workload is too high.

Anyway an incident happened today, I was involved but it wasn't entirely my fault. It was miscommunicated information. Nothing major happened as a result but it looks a bit poor on our team. Just one of those things. Up until now I have had a squeaky clean record and an excellent reputation in my field. In more than this company. I have been headhunted and sought after, just for context.

I was asked to join my team just under a year ago to support its growth and stability and up skill current team members. I have worked in the same company for years and always enjoyed it and maintained professionalism, even in the face or major stress and challenge. Since I moved I feel like that's all gone to shit. The team are more than struggling and when I started to peel back the layers in order to do as I'd been asked, I found staff at the brink of leaving and people being sacked and blamed for things that were not their issue. Staff were facing performance plans and disciplinary action for issues that were not addressed in the correct way and ultimately not their fault. I have worked hard to support management and staff. Giving my own time and energy even though I didn't have to.
It's all gone totally downhill and unappreciated and I have been placed under enormous pressure and expectations of me have been unrealistic.

Today my manager has gone off at me about the incident in front of a junior colleague and admittedly I lost control, this is very much not like me and managers know this, but I hit a wall and literally felt I couldn't take anymore. It ended in a meeting with my manger where it ended with me expressing in an unprofessional way that I'm done with this job. I said if he couldn't trust me as a professional to do the job I have been great at for so many years, then I can't carry on. I admit it wasn't my finest moment and it's a first from me. I ended up in tears. I feel that my manger is overly critical and does not appreciate the level of work I have done above and beyond my hours and how much this has prevented the team from implosion. I have never felt this way or had similar experiences with the many many mangers I have had in my working life. I also know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I am usually the first to admit mistakes and hold my hands up and I can take criticism on the chin. However, since my move I feel like I'm working in such a defensive environment and I can't put my finger on why I feel this way.

After I had time to reflect I sent a heartfelt email to my manger, saying I mishandled our conversation this morning and I'd like to chat about it further so we can clear the air and make a plan on how things will work going forward. I reiterated that I'm committed to our company and team.
Manager rang me later to ask about a project update and never mentioned my email. I know he has read it as I sent a read receipt.

Now I'm going on leave and I feel this is hanging over me and I'm upset. I feel I can't enjoy my leave because I may go back to work to face more issues and possibly disciplinary action or something.

So you made a mistake and might face a disciplinary but it’s your managers fault for ruining your holiday?

Oh don’t worry about it. If they try to discipline you, just resign. It sounds like a shit job anyway.

Sounds like your done. Get your cv up to date and start job hunting/networking. Its sounds like a blame culture. Youre best off out of that

Well the thread title is misleading as this has nothing to do with your holiday.

But you sound very unhappy at work and if you are in demand across the industry, get another job.

I feel like he didn't spoil your holiday - you lost control and basically said you wanted to quit, then sent an email trying to take it all back - you can't expect your manager to work with your timeline on this.

So sorry this happened. It looks like you have been put under enormous stress. You reacted badly but the manager is unprofessional too, firstly for telling you off in front of colleagues and secondly for not replying to your email.

OP, I would keep a log to record what led up to this, what was said and any future interactions. I feel like the manager may try to use this as an excuse to get rid of you later down the line. That is if you still want your job. Otherwise, it might be best to quit and find a better job.

You told the truth.

Given the pressure they're putting you under its not surprising you snapped.

Ok so it wasn't the most professional thing you could do but people have limits and you reached yours.

You apologised which is the sensible thing to do but your boss is now being the unreasonable one not discussing it. I imagine you've hit a raw nerve...

As a manager when people threaten to quit it doesn't bode well. None the less it sounds like a lousey place and you are unhappy. Make good on your threat and quit. If you don't no one will take your complaints seriously.

Yes I realise he didn't really ruin my holiday and it's actually a me issue here.

I didn't actually make a mistake that led to this incident today but I did get confusing information which led to a delay in sorting it out. Even if I did make a mistake I would accept that and hold my hands up. It's not really about the incident as such but the whole role. I feel like the pressure and atmosphere I'm under is making me change as a professional. I'd never normally act like I did and I admit it was wrong but it was a reaction to feeling like I'm at the final straw. I like my manager as a person but he's very inconsistent and gives mixed messages then blames staff not doing certain things even though they have had conflicting information. Our team staff turnover has been huge and it's not helping. Plus a few have been sacked recently and I don't think it was totally their fault. I haven't expressed that, I have simply tried to support to prevent it continuing.

I do want to leave but I feel like I need to see my team through these current projects and challenges because I value them as people.

In any other situation, if I was to receive criticism or feedback I would handle it fine, never had an issue until today.

I do feel it's hanging over me and I can be a worrier about this sort of thing. I have worked hard to build the reputation I have and I feel like that's at risk. It's a niche area and everyone knows everyone.

OP I feel for you. It sounds like a toxic work environment and no matter how hard you work your boss isn't happy. He sounds like an arsehole. My guess is that he is threatened by your capability, we all know men can't stand a woman being better than them. I know you've not been there too long but I think other posters are right about you needing to move on. Get your CV sorted first day of leave and then forget about it all until you go back. How your boss behaves on those first few days back in will tell you what your decision should be. Remember when it comes to work we are all just a number. They don't care about you as a person. You only live once and life is too short to work in jobs you despise. You are lucky that you are successful in your career and have the option to change jobs. Please try and enjoy your annual leave and have a good think about what your boundaries should look like in terms of your working life in the future, you don't owe those people anything. Wishing you lots of luck and job satisfaction in future.

Thank you for the replies especially the ones giving sympathy. I needed it today.

I really feel for you OP, you are clearly a very dedicated and loyal member of staff. Unfortunately when you get a manager like that and such a toxic work environment you are on a hiding to nothing
Can you transfer to a different team within the organisation? It might be worth talking to former colleagues who you have worked well with to see if there are any openings. If not, then I'd be aiming to leave - it's disappointing, but your wellbeing has to come first.
In the meantime, try to put it all to one side and enjoy your holiday. Just keep reminding yourself your manager is the problem, not you.

It sounds like you have high standards, tried your best but have been put in an impossible situation. Yes, probably would have been better not to have lost it, but in the circumstances cut yourself some slack.
You did the right thing apologising, and it is poor show from him not to respond to that but I wouldn't be surprised if he is fearful of another emotional interaction with you.
I'm sorry the air hasn't been cleared sufficiently for you to go on holiday without thinking about it further, but a week away will give you a chance to think dispassionately about what to do next. Your loyalty to your team is admirable but it shouldn't be at the expense.of your own wellbeing

This place is not the right environment for you. It's good to have loyalty to your team but not the expense of your own peace.

I can understand how frustrated you feel and why it led to the incident with your boss today and I agree with the PPs who say it sounds an awful place to work. Sometimes it only takes a few changes of role, key personnel etc for a dream job to turn into a nightmare. Your loyalty to the team is commendable but it may be time to put yourself first and look for something else.

Also, if things have been deteriorating for a while and you feel you may be in for some kind of action when you return from leave, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be surprised; In my experience those who have it in for someone quite often take the opportunity to make their plans when someone is on leave or off sick. You may want to use some of your leave to make a few applications/update your CV etc or at least gather your ideas of how to handle any meetings etc.

All the best.

Why would you stay in a job that's making you unhappy to help the team. You don't owe anyone anything and your happiness and wellbeing is more important than helping a team who are also working in a shitty environment. Maybe if you leave itl give some of them the push to go elsewhere as well and find happier work environments.

The manager should have acknowledged the email when he spoke with her and said let's pick it up when you get back and also said don't let thsi spoil your holiday. The manager may be used to being ranted at and people crying under stress so may be water off a ducks back but op is not to know that. Op if he has been a manager for any length of time and you work in a high pressured environment you will not be the first person to either cry or get angry.

Hmm, I'm torn.

What you expressed was 'honest' enough, but you say it was done in an unprofessional way. It's difficult to judge how unreasonable you are without knowing more about how you handled it.

How did your manager react at the time?

I’d fire off another email now saying

Hi

Just to remind you, I’m on annual leave next week, think the break will do me the world of good. Hope the meeting goes well with XYZ. Be good to have a proper chat when I’m back on 24th.

Enjoy your weekend.

Sarah

It kind of draws a line under things in the meantime.

I get you, OP.

When you're a thoughtful, considerate, caring person, it can be difficult to brush off or compartmentalise these things,

I'd feel the same too.

Your manager should have responded to your email. It sounds like they arent strong anyway, and should never have gone off at you like they did.

You're at the end of your tether - getting upset with frustration is very understandable.

You sound like a very valuable person to them. Hopefully this will wake them up to the situation you and the team is under.

As they say - you'll look back on this and wonder why you worried.
A holiday is just what you need.

Use some of your annual leave to put in calls to head hunters that have reached out to you in the past.

Did you literally hit a wall? You're stressed . Be kind to yourself

OP, you really need to spend some time on your holiday reading about burnout and the psychological impact it has on you. We often stay far too long in a toxic work environment due to a sense of professionalism, a loyalty to our colleagues, not wanting to be the one to "fail", believing that everyone else is coping and we are somehow "weak".

You say how you have been overworked, under pressure, there is a high turnover of staff, and inconsistent and/or unclear communication from management. All of these can increase the risk of burnout.

One of the many symptoms is also increased levels (and reduced tolerance) of stress, so we overreact to stressors that we used to find minor and are often on high alert. It sounds like you snapped because you are at the end of your tether, but as someone who has been there, I think you need to get some support and find a new job.

I'd say you've done what you can to rectify what happened in that you sent the email. I'd take an hour or two and NOT on email, but on notes or Microsoft Word, write out everything that is wrong and everything you have done to correct the issues and improve things. Don't hold back, swear, go for the tiny petty things, everything!
Once written save it and walk away from it, forget it and enjoy your time off, if you absolutely have to (I'm an overthinker so I get it) jot notes to add to the document and once written put in a drawer and switch off from it again as best you can.
Next weekend before you go back to work, take another hour to "tidy up" the document, take out the swears and the petty crap, leaving you with a comprehensive list. Save it and print it off and put it in your handbag. If you get called in you have your list to hand to help keep you on track in the meeting and not lose your shit and you have all your points at your fingertips instead of "oh and another thing.....and another thing" If you don't get called in you've still hopefully got it all out of your system just by writing it and therefore enabled yourself to relax and enjoy your time off and by the sounds of the place it will come in handy at some point!

Honestly you need to not be this emotionally invested in work. It's just a job, if you're this burnt out and stressed maybe it's the wrong job. So you might get a bollocking or have to have an awkward and difficult conversation with your boss, so what? You're on holiday now so fuck it off until you have to think about it again, ie on your first day back in.

When I tell you how much my life improved when I stopped giving this much of a shit about my job and started leaving work stuff at the door when I leave work. I literally de-aged five years.