Aibu to be upset my manager spoilt my holiday

[geekygardener]

Hi

Ok so he didn't actually intentionally spoil my holiday but it feels very unfair.

I'm due to have a weeks annual leave next week. I haven't had a break from work in months. I really need it as I'm feeling burnt out. My job is extremely stressful. I can't understate that enough. My workload is too high.

Anyway an incident happened today, I was involved but it wasn't entirely my fault. It was miscommunicated information. Nothing major happened as a result but it looks a bit poor on our team. Just one of those things. Up until now I have had a squeaky clean record and an excellent reputation in my field. In more than this company. I have been headhunted and sought after, just for context.

I was asked to join my team just under a year ago to support its growth and stability and up skill current team members. I have worked in the same company for years and always enjoyed it and maintained professionalism, even in the face or major stress and challenge. Since I moved I feel like that's all gone to shit. The team are more than struggling and when I started to peel back the layers in order to do as I'd been asked, I found staff at the brink of leaving and people being sacked and blamed for things that were not their issue. Staff were facing performance plans and disciplinary action for issues that were not addressed in the correct way and ultimately not their fault. I have worked hard to support management and staff. Giving my own time and energy even though I didn't have to.
It's all gone totally downhill and unappreciated and I have been placed under enormous pressure and expectations of me have been unrealistic.

Today my manager has gone off at me about the incident in front of a junior colleague and admittedly I lost control, this is very much not like me and managers know this, but I hit a wall and literally felt I couldn't take anymore. It ended in a meeting with my manger where it ended with me expressing in an unprofessional way that I'm done with this job. I said if he couldn't trust me as a professional to do the job I have been great at for so many years, then I can't carry on. I admit it wasn't my finest moment and it's a first from me. I ended up in tears. I feel that my manger is overly critical and does not appreciate the level of work I have done above and beyond my hours and how much this has prevented the team from implosion. I have never felt this way or had similar experiences with the many many mangers I have had in my working life. I also know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I am usually the first to admit mistakes and hold my hands up and I can take criticism on the chin. However, since my move I feel like I'm working in such a defensive environment and I can't put my finger on why I feel this way.

After I had time to reflect I sent a heartfelt email to my manger, saying I mishandled our conversation this morning and I'd like to chat about it further so we can clear the air and make a plan on how things will work going forward. I reiterated that I'm committed to our company and team.
Manager rang me later to ask about a project update and never mentioned my email. I know he has read it as I sent a read receipt.

Now I'm going on leave and I feel this is hanging over me and I'm upset. I feel I can't enjoy my leave because I may go back to work to face more issues and possibly disciplinary action or something.

Kindly, this is a you issue. You created this.

I get that there was a lot of build up and this is what you need to explain to your manager.

However, your manager might want to process and think on things before responding to you, so his reply isn't an emotional one. Equally, he might want you to take your break first so you can both address this with some fresh perspective.

If you haven't had a response, I'd resolve to switch off from work completely for the next week. Do whatever you planned and try to enjoy a break from work.

Then go back with a plan to resolve things and deal with whatever fall out may come of it.

Tbh you need to leave the team. After a tirade from yourself like that, likely due to cumulative stress of the job, your bosses are unlikely to see you in the same way going forward. I would look elsewhere for jobs and be otherwise neutral effort wise in the job. No job is worth sacrificing your MH for

Remember it’s not survival of the fittest it is survival of the most adaptable.
Your boss is facing challenges too and mutual respect and support will help you both.
Switch off, your boss is not thinking of your holiday and you need to recharge your batteries.
Good luck

Enjoy your holiday then take at least a month off sick after
Sounds horrendously toxic and you are burnt out
Get signed òff with work related stress and start job hunting .
What are they going to do -one event in otherwise hardworking person ?

It sounds like a very toxic place to work. Life's too short for this shit. Look for something new.

I said if he couldn't trust me as a professional to do the job I have been great at for so many years, then I can't carry on.

Does he know how much of a shit show your team is behind the scenes? If he doesn't it was probably over the top of you to blurt all this out in this fashion, but if he knows and is doing absolutely nothing about it to support, then he needs to know how bad it is.

We all have off days, and we can all be pushed to breaking point, the fact that you have been pushed to yours actually reflects really badly on him, I wouldn't worry about the silence from him, he probably needs to think about what you said and frame how he is going to respond that doesn't make him look bad, he shouldn't have been berating you in front of a junior colleague anyway! If he is a half decent manager he will be looking at ways to improve things without letting it all fall on your shoulders.

Either way enjoy your holiday, you've worked too hard for it to worry the whole time!!

We’ve all lashed out at some point in time when the stress has got too much I don’t think you’re wrong for doing so, it’s a mistake and it sounds as though you’ve tried really hard to rectify it which is all you can do. The manager sounds very difficult to work with and should take some accountability too. I’m sorry it feels as though your holiday was ruined and hope that you still end up enjoying it!

So you responded emotionally to a stress and badly managed situation. They liked it when you demonstrated emotions that work in their favour - passion , enthusiasm, commitment.

If they want to avoid emotional reactions they should maybe avoid overloading you and your colleagues with work, and publicly criticising you.

Don’t take responsibility for this. It’s all their own stupid fault.

Sorry but you can’t demand an answer on the same day just because you’re going on leave? Maybe he was seeking advice on how to reply. I don’t think he specifically ruined your holiday so YABU.

@wizzywig no I didn't literally hit anything lol

I hear you all. It's difficult not to get emotionally invested in the job because it's an emotional career dealing with very difficult circumstances. You need passion to stick it out and not many people do.
My manager is aware of the issues and how bad things are in the team.

Anyway I'm trying to take all advice on. Thank you again for the support.

It sounds like you have reached burn out and that is why you snapped.

If the reality is that your workplace is toxic and you are pushed to the limit by unrealistic workload then it is time to find something else.

You sound desperate for a break. Use your annual leave to start looking for a new job and get yourself out of that environment.

'@Completelyjo · Today 18:02
So you made a mistake and might face a disciplinary but it’s your managers fault for ruining your holiday?'

Do you enjoy kicking people when they are down? because your comment is pointless as well as nasty.

Great advice!! @Deadbeatex
hope you see this @geekygardener - hopefully it will help you unwind. There is nothing you can do about what happened in the week or so you’re off. If you worry and fret the only person you will harm is yourself.
hopefully this will help you wind down - but will also help you pick up when you’re backing you need to.

Is that what you took from the OPs post????

OPs manager sounds like a dickhead, his management style and the culture at her workplace sounds awful and unsustainable.

No one should go on A/L feeling this way.

It sounds like you made a mistake. We’re all human. Your manager made a deliberate choice to criticise you for it in front of a third party. I think that is unforgivable and I hope you fight your corner against any possible consequences of your outburst.

It’s just a job! It’s just work. I know we all have to work to earn the money we need to live but my goodness - it’s just a job.

do something you enjoy at a company that doesn’t work you to the ground. Life is too short. There are more important things in life (like enjoying a holiday!)

This sounds to me like a manager who has demoralised a team and then you have been under pressure to clean up his mess.

You come across as a person who is very hard on yourself. It’s one thing to be accountable, and quite another to take everything on your shoulders.

Your reputation will stand to you. You can sort this out when you get back. Put the weight of it down for now, and make the most of your break.

I'm not sure you'd face disciplinary action for this, you said no major issue, it just might look poor on the team. Everyone has limits and actually this may turn out to be positive for you. It's an opportunity to explain how your feel and put a plan in face moving forward. I'm a manager and I'd recognise with your reaction that you need some additional support. You've apologised, you've sent an email. Your manager may be pondering how to approach it. Often when you mess up, it's how you deal with it moving forward. For now, I think you've done the right thing. Use your break to reset and relax.

People don't leave jobs, they leave managers.

Reading your posts I'm wondering who the pressure is coming from. Is it your manager or higher up? Maybe the culture has become toxic. If people are overworked they need support, possibly more staff. It's an employers' market right now so they can have their pick.

Someone is making the work horrible and that needs to be identified.

Personally I think play this tactically.

The fact he hasn’t acknowledged your email could be because he wants to address it via formal disciplinary proceedings on your return.

Plus you say you don’t like the job & that you’re burnt out.

I think take your time off then get a fit note from
your GP for work related stress. Ask for a different role or different manager. Basically put him on the back foot by describing a hostile working environment. If he does intend to start disciplinary action against you, you are protecting yourself and can say you raised your concerns and your health has deteriorated which led to the incidents.

"I do want to leave but I feel like I need to see my team through these current projects and challenges because I value them as people. "

WTF? Wise up, get your cv updated and out there.

You're clearly very stressed but apologised for the outburst.

Why be loyal? Your manager clearly doesn't care about you.

I'd belooking to move out that team internally or to a new company. Life's too short.

Sounds like a toxic place, yes. I'm not sure everyone can be so nonchalant about resigning though. How easy would it be to get a new job, knowing there would be no unemployment benefit if you resign?

This, mind you the job doesn't sound sustainable anyway

Some people shouldn't be managers. I've seen this happen before. From the top down the rot sets in and really excellent staff are blamed and feel disillusioned and start to hate their jobs.

I would put yourself first, OP. It may not have been your finest hour, but this whole situation could derail your career you've worked so hard for. You've admitted your mistake. Your manager (even if they are annoyed or thought you were unprofessional) needs to be a manger and deal with you as an employee - they can't just ignore an email until you get back, especially if you told them you were stressed feeling overwhelmed with the work.

I'd try to put it out of my mind and then look for a new job when you finish your holiday - think of it as a much needed fresh start. Don't worry about letting people down, put yourself first.