Hi
Ok so he didn't actually intentionally spoil my holiday but it feels very unfair.
I'm due to have a weeks annual leave next week. I haven't had a break from work in months. I really need it as I'm feeling burnt out. My job is extremely stressful. I can't understate that enough. My workload is too high.
Anyway an incident happened today, I was involved but it wasn't entirely my fault. It was miscommunicated information. Nothing major happened as a result but it looks a bit poor on our team. Just one of those things. Up until now I have had a squeaky clean record and an excellent reputation in my field. In more than this company. I have been headhunted and sought after, just for context.
I was asked to join my team just under a year ago to support its growth and stability and up skill current team members. I have worked in the same company for years and always enjoyed it and maintained professionalism, even in the face or major stress and challenge. Since I moved I feel like that's all gone to shit. The team are more than struggling and when I started to peel back the layers in order to do as I'd been asked, I found staff at the brink of leaving and people being sacked and blamed for things that were not their issue. Staff were facing performance plans and disciplinary action for issues that were not addressed in the correct way and ultimately not their fault. I have worked hard to support management and staff. Giving my own time and energy even though I didn't have to.
It's all gone totally downhill and unappreciated and I have been placed under enormous pressure and expectations of me have been unrealistic.
Today my manager has gone off at me about the incident in front of a junior colleague and admittedly I lost control, this is very much not like me and managers know this, but I hit a wall and literally felt I couldn't take anymore. It ended in a meeting with my manger where it ended with me expressing in an unprofessional way that I'm done with this job. I said if he couldn't trust me as a professional to do the job I have been great at for so many years, then I can't carry on. I admit it wasn't my finest moment and it's a first from me. I ended up in tears. I feel that my manger is overly critical and does not appreciate the level of work I have done above and beyond my hours and how much this has prevented the team from implosion. I have never felt this way or had similar experiences with the many many mangers I have had in my working life. I also know I'm not the only one feeling this way. I am usually the first to admit mistakes and hold my hands up and I can take criticism on the chin. However, since my move I feel like I'm working in such a defensive environment and I can't put my finger on why I feel this way.
After I had time to reflect I sent a heartfelt email to my manger, saying I mishandled our conversation this morning and I'd like to chat about it further so we can clear the air and make a plan on how things will work going forward. I reiterated that I'm committed to our company and team.
Manager rang me later to ask about a project update and never mentioned my email. I know he has read it as I sent a read receipt.
Now I'm going on leave and I feel this is hanging over me and I'm upset. I feel I can't enjoy my leave because I may go back to work to face more issues and possibly disciplinary action or something.