Page 7 | To believe sis(12) over SD(11)?

Bestofgoodluck · 2025-02-13T19:08:06+00:00

SD is 11, have been with her dad for 5 years, mum is not involved. DP has to go away often for work and I work from home so look after SD while he’s away. This is mostly been fine, she has the option of staying with grandparents but chooses to stay with me. I also have a 12 year old sister, our mum has quite a few problems and as I am older, she has stayed with me on and off since she was a baby. They are completely different but have settled into a friendly but probably not friends relationship and there has never any major problems between them. I have been looking after both a them for about a week. They go to different schools and do different activities so don’t see each other that much but when we’ve been together everything has been fine and they both have seemed happy. Sister went back to our mums today and SD came to me in tears and showed me some extremely nasty and embarrassing messages sent from my sister to her last night, I comforted her and said I would talk to my sister, she cried for me not to and said just not to make her see her anymore. Sister said she had no idea what I was talking about and that there were no messages on her phone, was asking what they said and why she would do that, I’m 99% sure I believe her. I was already thinking the wording and content of the messages didn’t seem like things my sister would say and more likely that SD sent them to her self. I feel completely torn between the two of them and can’t see how I can sort this between them or know who is telling the truth. AIBU to choose my sister over my stepdaughter? And to say SD has to go to her grandparents if DP is away and my sister wants to stay with me?

maddening · 13/02/2025 22:59

Do they wear fit bits or exercise trackers? If they were meant to be in bed you could check their physical activity at the point the messages were sent.

LilacLilias · 13/02/2025 23:00

maddening · 13/02/2025 22:59

Do they wear fit bits or exercise trackers? If they were meant to be in bed you could check their physical activity at the point the messages were sent.

Okay this is crazy but genius 😆

Original poster

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 23:02

I think there’s some confusion about arrangements.

Obviously while DP is home then he can have SD at home with him and I can have my sister at my home with me which we occasionally do anyway.

If DP is working away, someone has to look after SD. It used to be her grandparents who won’t come to her so she had to go and stay with them.
Before I offered to look after SD, my sister would come and stay at mine. I have looked after them both at mine, it’s just easier to look after DP’s place and for my sister to come there if she needs to.

My sister doesn’t stay with me at set times.
There’a been times when she’s been with me for a couple of weeks but also been times when she’s stayed with our mum for months.
Recently every couple of weeks she will stay a couple of days. This is more dependant on our mum who I don’t really talk to than my sister but is a separate issue.
Right now and lot of the time while DP is away, it is just me and SD, my sister is with our mum.

OP posts:

healthybychristmas · 13/02/2025 23:03

That's a really weird situation. I think the way I would look at it as this. I would look at both phones when neither child was there. I'd be looking at the messages and any other activity that was going on at the same time the messages were sent. If you're stepdaughter has just nipped onto the landing and use the phone to send messages Then she wouldn't have deleted them from your sister's phone and she wouldn't delete them from her own because she would want evidence. She would've told you as soon as she saw the messages in the morning. However she wouldn't have used your sister's phone to do anything else, I would imagine. If you check your stepdaughter's phone and find other activity in her history from the same time as the messages were sent then you have your culprit.

ForeverPombear · 13/02/2025 23:08

Why after 5 years of them having a 'friendly' relationship and no issues would this have happened?

Do either of them have any other issues unrelated to this, such as being bullied etc?

Original poster

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 23:12

I can’t check my sisters phone right now as she is at home. I’m cautious that If I accuse her or demand to look at her phone then she just won’t want to see me.

There is nothing else on SD’s phone, texts between them before this point were few but normal.

I think SD claimed to have seen the messages this morning but as my sister was still here didn’t say anything.

OP posts:

Anonforthis58 · 13/02/2025 23:14

How old are you OP?

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 23:14

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 23:02

I think there’s some confusion about arrangements.

Obviously while DP is home then he can have SD at home with him and I can have my sister at my home with me which we occasionally do anyway.

If DP is working away, someone has to look after SD. It used to be her grandparents who won’t come to her so she had to go and stay with them.
Before I offered to look after SD, my sister would come and stay at mine. I have looked after them both at mine, it’s just easier to look after DP’s place and for my sister to come there if she needs to.

My sister doesn’t stay with me at set times.
There’a been times when she’s been with me for a couple of weeks but also been times when she’s stayed with our mum for months.
Recently every couple of weeks she will stay a couple of days. This is more dependant on our mum who I don’t really talk to than my sister but is a separate issue.
Right now and lot of the time while DP is away, it is just me and SD, my sister is with our mum.

Ohh, I thought you lived together in one home.

Maybe makes it slightly easier to sort out. If it turns out the girls have some issues with each other and can no longer stay in the same house then I guess DP has to make other arrangements for his DD when he goes away with work.

Tiswa · 13/02/2025 23:17

How often is your DP actually away

Livelovebehappy · 13/02/2025 23:18

Stand them both in front of you, and your dsds df so she doesn’t feel ganged up on, and question them. I’ll bet you will be able to tell who the liar is by their re-actions face to face. You certainly don’t have enough evidence to suggest your dsd is the liar here.

Original poster

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 23:21

They both have other issues, obviously family dynamic isn’t ideal for either of them.
I’m in a really difficult position being torn between two vulnerable young girls, neither of them mine.
From mine and DPs perspective our situation worked and thought encouraging a I guess sort of step sibling relationship between the girls would be good for them.
As far as I’m aware there’s never been any problems between them, like I said they are completely different not best friends but perfectly friendly.
They don’t really see reach other that much and even when they are together they have separate schools, friends and hobbies.

OP posts:

latetothefisting · 13/02/2025 23:26

UndermyShoeJoe · 13/02/2025 22:28

your not listening.

the child should not be kicked out of her home for your sister to stay. She shouldn’t be uncomfortable in her home.

If you want to watch your sister do it at your home. While she is at granny’s.

You don’t kick a child who’s already got only one involved parent out of their home to prioritise another persons child especially when you can take them to your own home.

Her home is her only safe space with her father after having an uninterested mum.

Your sister had her mum, even if not great and you. You and your sister are invading her space.

what? you could say exactly the same in reverse

OP's sister also sounds like she only has one "involved" parent as there is no dad even mentioned, and unlike the SD the "involved" parent isn't great
SD also has grandparents
So, if anything SD has MORE options for a 'safe space' than the Dsis

SD can't stay at home on her own, so OP isn't invading her space - if OP leaves while her dad is away SD has to go to her grandparents.

it's either stay with OP and accept OP's DSIS is also allowed in the house, or OP goes back to her own place where her DSIS can visit and SD goes to her grandparents.

Bayonetlightbulb · 13/02/2025 23:32

You need to sit down with them both and explain clearly that unfortunately you don't have enough evidence to prove who is telling the truth and who is lying. Explain that you understand this will be upsetting and frustrating for the child that is telling the truth.
Then tell them both that they need passcodes on their phones that the other doesn't know (not sure I believe they don't have these yo be honest) and then you need to take possession on the phones at night when not in use.

latetothefisting · 13/02/2025 23:35

healthybychristmas · 13/02/2025 23:03

That's a really weird situation. I think the way I would look at it as this. I would look at both phones when neither child was there. I'd be looking at the messages and any other activity that was going on at the same time the messages were sent. If you're stepdaughter has just nipped onto the landing and use the phone to send messages Then she wouldn't have deleted them from your sister's phone and she wouldn't delete them from her own because she would want evidence. She would've told you as soon as she saw the messages in the morning. However she wouldn't have used your sister's phone to do anything else, I would imagine. If you check your stepdaughter's phone and find other activity in her history from the same time as the messages were sent then you have your culprit.

Then she wouldn't have deleted them from your sister's phone and she wouldn't delete them from her own because she would want evidence.

I think it is believable she would have deleted them from the DSIS phone, just in case the DSIS saw them and went to OP first, saying 'I've just looked at my phone and there are these really weird messages sent from it to SD, that I haven't sent.'

It's slightly suspicious that the SD apparently received the messages earlier but didn't outwardly react (seeing as OP didn't realise anything was wrong) - but then came to OP "in tears" but only several hours later, once Dsis had gone and didn't have the opportunity to defend herself. Surely if they were that upsetting she would have been upset when she first read them then calmed down a bit by the time she showed OP?

Also, tell both of them to put a password and/or face/fingerprint recognition on their phones, it's just asking for trouble if they get stolen or whatever if there's no security enabled at all!

PandaTime · 13/02/2025 23:40

Do you know where your sister would prefer to stay? With you at your house or with you at these other people's house?

Original poster

Bestofgoodluck · 13/02/2025 23:42

The assumption was that there shouldn’t be passwords on their phones as there shouldn’t be anything private on there.
That and general phone rules will absolutely be looked at when dp is back.

Phones are also supposed to be kept on the landing at night which they usually are, I didn’t check that they were though.

I have kept sd’s phone since she showed me the messages, i don’t want to delete them until it’s sorted but don’t want her to sit there reading them especially if I’m wrong and she didn’t sent them herself.

OP posts:

Myotherusernameiswaybetter · 13/02/2025 23:45

I really don’t think it matters who did what. It’s the why they did it. It sounds like it was SD and she needs help processing her feelings.

RedHelenB · 14/02/2025 00:00

It's SDs home though, not OPs sister. I think OP should frame it that she will go and look after sister in sisters home therefore SD will.need to go to grandparents if she cant stay in the house alone, rather than kicking her out of her own home.

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

LilacLilias · 14/02/2025 00:02

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

Good point actually

latetothefisting · 14/02/2025 00:14

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

yep, if anything it would make more sense to send them when she was away from OP as it's easier to lie when not face to face
If she had sent them in the night she had no way of knowing the SD wouldn't have gone straight to OP before she'd had the chance to leave

backawayfatty1 · 14/02/2025 00:15

It's unlikely you will know the truth by asking them. Can you sit down with them both & discuss the messages? Maybe you will know by their reactions.

I would make clear to SD, she does not dictate when DS comes/stays though

PandaTime · 14/02/2025 00:15

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

Equally if the sister was going to send texts but pretend SD sent them to herself, she could only do that when SD would have the opportunity...

Someone is either very cunning or immature and desperate.

ReginaTucker · 14/02/2025 00:16

KrisAkabusi · 13/02/2025 19:18

FFS! If you're not even going to check, you're telling your sd that you think she's a liar. She might be, but I can't believe you're not even going to see if she's not. This is terrible parenting! What if she's not lying. You've now shown her that she can't go to you if there's a problem with your sister

Show quote history

But she’s not parent to either of them so you can’t really judge her parenting!!

Dramatic · 14/02/2025 00:18

RebelStarChild · 14/02/2025 00:02

If it were your sister she wouldn't have needed to send the messages in the middle of the night as she could send them any time, even when she was back home.
SD would have only had the opportunity to send them at night when your sister wouldn't have had her phone.
The time the messages were sent is relevant.

Good point, and what's the likelihood of her doing it the night before she goes home when she would then probably be confronted about them in the morning instead of just sending them after she got back to her mum's house.

This is beginning to feel like an episode of Line of Duty.