15 yo dd and new boyfriend

[LilacPeer]

Hoping for some advice/reassurance.

My DD is 15, 16 in September. She has recently told me that she is 'seeing' a boy in her year. They have been friends as part of a wider group for a couple of years so he has been to our house, with others, and she to his.

Last week she asked to go to his house alone and I said yes, on the understanding his parents would be there. It genuinely didn't occur to me that his parents would consider letting them be alone in his room together. I presumed they (like I would have if they were here) would have kept them downstairs. Anyway, that wasn't the case and I've had to wise up a bit!!

I told her that I didn't feel happy that she was going there alone if she was in his room and she just laughed and said oh don't be silly, everyone does that, his parents don't mind. She was very relaxed about it.

I think my question really is, is it ok for me to ask her outright if they are having sex. I am aware she's underage (as is he) but I am also aware there isn't much I can reasonably do to stop it. I think the thing I'm not sure how to navigate is privacy. I wouldn't want someone quizzing me on my intimate relationships but equally I don't want her to feel it has to be a secret and that she can't come to me.

Well i do not think you need to be blunt but yes to a conversation about consent, being safe and contraception. I would frame it as it is lovely that you have someone to care about but make sure you feel no pressure and take precautions. That if she has any questions or worries that she can be open with you. Make sure she understands your boundaries around him being in your home. Ultimately if they are going to have sex there is nothing you can do. Just ensure that she has support and info. For ds I left condoms in his room.

I don't think you need to ask the question but perhaps ask whether she has thought about birth control. Teenagers have sex. We're biologically driven to do it and at that age hormones and peer pressure may drive her to, no matter what the law is. So I think it's better to just assume she is and help her navigate birth control. Obviously maybe a conversation around consent and being comfortable in a relationship too. But no need to make her uncomfortable or lie to you.

Good luck. I'm dreading that age with my girls!

I think my question really is, is it ok for me to ask her outright if they are having sex

You're her mother. So you can 'ask' her anything you want.

The difference I would say is, what do you want to do with that information once you've asked, and how do you intend to support her if at all?

Knowing something is useless without it being actionable so to speak. So if you know she's having sex, do you intend to support her with that knowledge?

Teenagers have sex

Not all teenagers. There's this myth on Mumsnet that as soon as a teenage girl has a boyfriend, she is "shagging" them to use the ugly word most thrown about on here.

A lot of the time that's due to the insecurity and peer pressure amongst teenagers in the UK, it's kind of a thing that if you want to be considered attractive, you need to be having sex.

Meanwhile there are plenty of us who bagged great partners and have great lives, love sex, but just didnt' feel the need to do this.

I would want to reiterate about the use of condoms, consent and video/photos. It's illegal for them to have nudes on their phones.

Ensure she understands that she shouldn't feel forced or pressured into anything she doesn't want to do.

I have adult and teenage DD’s and I just can’t understand why would wouldn’t have spoken at length to her about this already.
Consent, Contraception and safety is such an important conversation to have with your DC once they are a certain age.

I’m very lucky that my DD’s are completely comfortable with sharing things with me. Sometimes I close my eyes and wish I could forget some of the stuff they tell me but I wouldn’t change it.

I also think they should be allowed upstairs but obviously it’s upto you if the door stays open if that would make you feel better?

We have a no sex rule whilst parents or siblings are at home.

I have spoken to her about sex and contraception in general, what I was unsure on really was if I need to ask her if she is actively having sex herself.

I'm really sorry I'm a bit confused by your comment. You said you've bagged a great partner and love sex but didn't feel the need to do this? Do what? Ask your children if they are having sex? If so, I'm not sure what the relevance to you 'bagging a great partner' is, although I'm certainly glad you're happy!

@JacquesHarlow no, I agree, not all teenagers. But some do. It's when teenagers may start. And giving the advice and guiding your kid is never a bad thing. I'm just trying to think back to when I was a teen (admittedly I didn't do it until I was 18 and in a committed relationship) and I would have died if my mum just asked me that question. But she did often give me advice of birth control, I remember even years before I was sexually active and it was very helpful. I remember one experience in particular: I had just come home from a holiday and had food poisoning for a few days before and then went to go stay with my bf. But I knew (because my mum had told me so) that if you're sick it can affect the effectiveness of the pill (my mum is a nurse so these sorts of things came up). So we used extra protection and I don't think I would have had the knowledge had she not informed me!

It's just what I would do. Even virgins should know about how birth control works if they're old enough (and considering OPs daughter is almost of legal age I don't think that's unreasonable).

At my parents house yes we stayed downstairs - but there was a separate room where we could chill. At his house, we went to his room as downstairs is a kitchen-dining room-lounge all just in one room, so we had to as there would have been no space.

But a conversation about being safe is the right thing to have!

Yes I really worry about this expectation placed on teenage girls that it's almost mandatory for them to have sex.
It's quite sad that a lot of posters on MN don't seem to think it's part of their duty as a parent to make sure that their teenage children know that's it's ok not to enter into sexual relationships until they are ready.
15 is still a child. So yes there should be a conversation about sex if she has a bf but from the point of view that she shouldn't feel pressurised into a sexual relationship and that the age of consent is there for a reason.

Another one of these threads.

well I've only got one daughter going through this and so I'm posting to ask my question, if you don't want to/can't help, you didn't have to open it and comment.

I find lots of topics tiresome on MN, so I avoid them where I can based on the title.

I absolutely know and have imparted in the past about consent and waiting for the right age, time & person. It was all a lot easier when it was hypothetical. I think my worry now is that I don't know if I just continue to trust in the information I've given her, or if I need to be aware if it's happening.

In my ideal sceanrio, she'd be 50 and married for 25 years before this was a topic but I don't think I'll get much of a chance of that.

Of course you have a conversation about relationships, pressure to do what everyone says they are doing but in reality are not etc....and contraception when they are both old enough.....reminding them if one turns 16 and the other is 15 it's illegal. ignoring leads to problems. Banning doesn't work they just find other unsafe places...but does your child respect and understand your position?

Teenagers being in one another's rooms doesn't somehow immediately make them start fucking each other, you know. I actually think it's quite strange not to allow two 15/16-year-olds any privacy, even if it's just to talk and have a snog - which, by the way, is what they're statistically more likely to be doing.

If they want to have sex, they will find a way to do that whether she's allowed in his bedroom or not.

I didn't feel the need to have sex when I was 15 or even 18. I'm just replying to an earlier poster who said "Teenagers have sex" as if it was inevitable your DD has moved straight to that level of interaction.

Oh I see. Yes, I'm sure lots of teens don't and I certainly hope she's one of them.

She's 15, so if they are having sex it's rape. Even if the other person is under 16, it's still rape (and she's guilty of child sex abuse too). With that in mind, it's important that you have it out with her and find out what has been going on. Once she's 16 she can sleep with whoever she wants but until then it's a crime.

I'd ask her, but she may feel to embarrassed to tell the truth. So I'd buy her condoms to hang onto, just in case. Better safe than sorry.

she means: she is from a broad where underage sex happens only to morally filthy kids, not the well raised ones. She met great partner who never forced her into sex but once they reached 18, their sex is amazing, and even though they met as teens, they got married

She means you aren't having a daughter who respects you and does what she wants behind your back

"I aren't having a daughter?"

I'm not sure where I've suggested she's doing what she wants behind my back? She asked me if she could go to his house and I said yes. I hadn't stipulated that they must remain in the lounge, just assumed his parents would make them so no breaking of rules, as there weren't any in place.

I’d have a chat. Car or midnight were often good times for a chat with my teen.
Mine’s a bit older but I used to just say things like you know you can go to x or y for contraception. Go on your own or I’ll come with if you like. We have Brook Advisory near us who are very good with teens. Bit of humour - my line about not risking your future plans on a teenage lad using a condom properly hit home. I also bought some condoms.