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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 yo dd and new boyfriend

55 replies

LilacPeer · 13/02/2025 13:42

Hoping for some advice/reassurance.

My DD is 15, 16 in September. She has recently told me that she is 'seeing' a boy in her year. They have been friends as part of a wider group for a couple of years so he has been to our house, with others, and she to his.

Last week she asked to go to his house alone and I said yes, on the understanding his parents would be there. It genuinely didn't occur to me that his parents would consider letting them be alone in his room together. I presumed they (like I would have if they were here) would have kept them downstairs. Anyway, that wasn't the case and I've had to wise up a bit!!

I told her that I didn't feel happy that she was going there alone if she was in his room and she just laughed and said oh don't be silly, everyone does that, his parents don't mind. She was very relaxed about it.

I think my question really is, is it ok for me to ask her outright if they are having sex. I am aware she's underage (as is he) but I am also aware there isn't much I can reasonably do to stop it. I think the thing I'm not sure how to navigate is privacy. I wouldn't want someone quizzing me on my intimate relationships but equally I don't want her to feel it has to be a secret and that she can't come to me.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/02/2025 15:18

LilacPeer · 13/02/2025 15:02

"I aren't having a daughter?"

I'm not sure where I've suggested she's doing what she wants behind my back? She asked me if she could go to his house and I said yes. I hadn't stipulated that they must remain in the lounge, just assumed his parents would make them so no breaking of rules, as there weren't any in place.

Show quote history

I think most parents would allow bedrooms as it's 'their' space, but stipulating leaving the door open.

Back in the days before time, my parents made us sit in the kitchen. His parents allowed bedroom with door shut but we never knew when his kid sister would burst in!

MissUltraViolet · 13/02/2025 15:19

I’d go easy on the he can come round but you must stay downstairs in the living room the entire time, thing. You may quickly find that they find other places to spend most their time together (his house, mates house etc) and you’ll have even less control or idea of what they are doing.

It may be better to adopt an open door policy instead (bedroom door remains open at all times when he is over) until or unless you have reason not to trust one or both of them at least.

LostittoBostik · 13/02/2025 15:20

mumonthehill · 13/02/2025 13:48

Well i do not think you need to be blunt but yes to a conversation about consent, being safe and contraception. I would frame it as it is lovely that you have someone to care about but make sure you feel no pressure and take precautions. That if she has any questions or worries that she can be open with you. Make sure she understands your boundaries around him being in your home. Ultimately if they are going to have sex there is nothing you can do. Just ensure that she has support and info. For ds I left condoms in his room.

This. Make condoms available somewhere she doesn't have to ask to get them (eg bathroom cabinet). Don't read too much into it if she takes one or two. She could be just be being prepared "just in case", which is what you want.
Ask her if she'd like you to take her to speak to a doctor about hormonal contraception.

mitogoshigg · 13/02/2025 15:21

Have a frank conversation and put condoms in a communal space she can access them (eg input in bathroom drawer). Honestly, you need to step carefully because they will go behind your back. I found out my dd had told me she was at female friends, maths club, sports club etc and she was at her boyfriends!

LostittoBostik · 13/02/2025 15:23

@JacquesHarlow Ok. Back in the real world it's highly unlikely the mother will actually know whether her DD is that kind of personality or the more experimental one. We don't always show our true selves to our mothers.
It's better to err on the side of caution and assume birth control might be needed than imagine a chaste teen pair (which I agree do exist!) and end up taking your child to an abortion clinic.

Ponderingwindow · 13/02/2025 15:25

My teen isn’t dating and every few months I still announce it’s time for another update conversation on consent, emotional readiness, and safer sex.

you need to talk to your teen.

Princessfluffy · 13/02/2025 15:26

I would not be making it easy for my dd to have sex age 15 as I think this is too young. In the UK the average age for girls to first have sex is 17.

I think it's a mistake to normalise having sex below the legal age of consent and can add to the pressure on girls to have sex before they fell ready.

TwoFatDucklings · 13/02/2025 15:35

My conversations with my teen DD start with "when you have sex... "
You don't need to ask her if she's having sex now, but you need to give her lots of information (also self respect , morals, set up expectations that sex doesn't look like porn etc) based on the assumption that she will have sex one day. It might be tomorrow or in 2 years.

ARealitycheck · 13/02/2025 15:42

Come on, surely most of us recall being teenagers. OK we didn't all have sex, but it was an unusual couple that didn't have marathon snogging sessions. Do you really want that in your front room.

Give them the knowledge to make informed decisions. If they are going to have sex, they will do it.

IdaGlossop · 13/02/2025 15:43

One DD, now 22. When she was 15, I said to her that I wanted her to know that when the time came, she had as much right to say yes as to say no and to be taken equally seriously. I also mentioned contraception. She had a boy friend who was a sort of boyfriend and I didn't think sex was part of their relationship. (I was right.) I respected her privacy and didn't ask. They were allowed in her room, but with the door open. Once he'd been round a good few times, we left them in the house alone to go to the theatre. I said, in semi-jest: 'Think about what you are doing and do the right thing. Under 16 is illegal. If you commit an offence, I will know and I will call the police!'

BarbedButterfly · 13/02/2025 15:57

The fact is she may not tell the truth anyway. Approach is as revisiting earlier conversations and keep the topic open. I never had sex in my parents house at that age, we found other places but would have been nice to know I could be honest without being judged

Dontlletmedownbruce · 13/02/2025 16:04

Nothitrockbottomyet · 13/02/2025 14:15

Yes I really worry about this expectation placed on teenage girls that it's almost mandatory for them to have sex.
It's quite sad that a lot of posters on MN don't seem to think it's part of their duty as a parent to make sure that their teenage children know that's it's ok not to enter into sexual relationships until they are ready.
15 is still a child. So yes there should be a conversation about sex if she has a bf but from the point of view that she shouldn't feel pressurised into a sexual relationship and that the age of consent is there for a reason.

Show quote history

Yes this would be my view. I had a boyfriend at 15 for many months and we didn't have sex, none of my friends at that age did. Thats not because i didnt have desires, teenagers are full of hormones but they are not monkeys, they are capable of controlling urges if thats what they choose to do. Also just because someone turns 16 doesn't mean they should have sex, it just means they are legally capable of making their own decisions about it. Right now she is legally unable to consent and she should know this. As her mother you are absolutely within your rights to say you think she is too young to be sexually active, whether she agrees with you or not is up to her. I think sometimes trying to be the cool Mum puts much more pressure on teenagers, it seems like everyone including their parents want them to have sex. Imagine if you are already confused by a pushy boyfriend and friends and your Mum jumps on the bandwagon.

Conversations about relationships and consent are still relevant because even if they are not having sex they may be intimate to some degree and consent needs to be clear at each step of their relationship. You could broach is by talking about consent and telling her when she is older and ready to enter into a sexual relationship you will be there for her. That way she knows you will be supportive of her if she needs you, even if you don't agree entirely with her decision.

stayawayyyyyfromdatingapps · 13/02/2025 16:06

ItGhoul · 13/02/2025 14:33

Teenagers being in one another's rooms doesn't somehow immediately make them start fucking each other, you know. I actually think it's quite strange not to allow two 15/16-year-olds any privacy, even if it's just to talk and have a snog - which, by the way, is what they're statistically more likely to be doing.

If they want to have sex, they will find a way to do that whether she's allowed in his bedroom or not.

This

NancyJoan · 13/02/2025 16:12

Do you really want/need to know? I would just suggest that she needs to think about contraceptives. Offer to take her to the clinic/GP. I got my DD the implant just before she turned 17, as she was dating a boy and I was definitely too young to be a Grandmother.

Original poster
LilacPeer · 13/02/2025 16:17

NancyJoan · 13/02/2025 16:12

Do you really want/need to know? I would just suggest that she needs to think about contraceptives. Offer to take her to the clinic/GP. I got my DD the implant just before she turned 17, as she was dating a boy and I was definitely too young to be a Grandmother.

I don’t think I do want to know at all actually 🙈 but when I was searching online I found a lot of posters/commenters saying that their DDs had told them when it happened and wondered if it was something I should be asking rather than wanting to ask if that makes sense?

I think I’m going to stick with another general chat about contraception and consent and just frame it as “it seems a bit more relevant now there’s someone in the picture, so I want you to remember you must make your own choices and not be forced into anything” etc.

It feels very hard to get the right balance between wanting to bring it up and keep her safe and bringing it up and appearing to give the green light.

OP posts:
MadKittenWoman · 13/02/2025 16:38

mumonthehill · 13/02/2025 13:48

Well i do not think you need to be blunt but yes to a conversation about consent, being safe and contraception. I would frame it as it is lovely that you have someone to care about but make sure you feel no pressure and take precautions. That if she has any questions or worries that she can be open with you. Make sure she understands your boundaries around him being in your home. Ultimately if they are going to have sex there is nothing you can do. Just ensure that she has support and info. For ds I left condoms in his room.

This.

ItGhoul · 13/02/2025 16:54

Dotjones · 13/02/2025 14:55

She's 15, so if they are having sex it's rape. Even if the other person is under 16, it's still rape (and she's guilty of child sex abuse too). With that in mind, it's important that you have it out with her and find out what has been going on. Once she's 16 she can sleep with whoever she wants but until then it's a crime.

That isn’t how the law works at all.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 13/02/2025 17:03

Just talk to her. You don’t need to go into brutal detail. My mum had that conversation with me, and I am
Catholic… and it was 1985 so forty years ago.
If I remember rightly she added a bit of humour…
Yes, once bedroom doors get shut and tellies get turned up, Peggy, there is a good chance me or your father are going to walk in and see something we don’t want to see!
Her view was I would rather you and Frank were in your bedroom or his bedroom than behind a grotty bike shed. And to be fair to her she had a point.
She dealt with most things like this with humour and it worked a treat.

Original poster
LilacPeer · 13/02/2025 17:19

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 13/02/2025 17:03

Just talk to her. You don’t need to go into brutal detail. My mum had that conversation with me, and I am
Catholic… and it was 1985 so forty years ago.
If I remember rightly she added a bit of humour…
Yes, once bedroom doors get shut and tellies get turned up, Peggy, there is a good chance me or your father are going to walk in and see something we don’t want to see!
Her view was I would rather you and Frank were in your bedroom or his bedroom than behind a grotty bike shed. And to be fair to her she had a point.
She dealt with most things like this with humour and it worked a treat.

i could’ve done with her popping over to have this conversation for me, she sounds perfect 🥰

OP posts:
custardpyjamas · 13/02/2025 17:23

I would remind her that she's too young for more than boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and it might be better not to put herself in a position where she could be pushed into something she might not really want to do or regret later. Assuming it's something she has already done or is about to do may send the wrong signals that it's OK. Obviously support her with contraceptives if necessary, but try to stop it happening first.

custardpyjamas · 13/02/2025 17:27

LilacPeer · 13/02/2025 17:19

i could’ve done with her popping over to have this conversation for me, she sounds perfect 🥰

Show quote history

My mother laid into my boyfriend at the time with the rough edge of her tongue, which was quite something, when she thought he was up to something (I was 16), pretty scary stuff, surprised he ever came back, but no we didn't get married.

butterdish93 · 13/02/2025 18:16

IdaGlossop · 13/02/2025 15:43

One DD, now 22. When she was 15, I said to her that I wanted her to know that when the time came, she had as much right to say yes as to say no and to be taken equally seriously. I also mentioned contraception. She had a boy friend who was a sort of boyfriend and I didn't think sex was part of their relationship. (I was right.) I respected her privacy and didn't ask. They were allowed in her room, but with the door open. Once he'd been round a good few times, we left them in the house alone to go to the theatre. I said, in semi-jest: 'Think about what you are doing and do the right thing. Under 16 is illegal. If you commit an offence, I will know and I will call the police!'

What a confusing message!

backawayfatty1 · 13/02/2025 18:18

I would have another discussion about consent, contraception again & offer a door open policy. You might regret asking outright. I'm quite open with my 15yo. I asked after finding condoms & not sure I loved the answer 😆 we have since discussed what's appropriate & respectful when we have a house of people (can't have younger brother running in 🙃)

SummerFeverVenice · 13/02/2025 18:25

I would just have a chat that says you are there to talk to if she wants and you would not be upset with her. You don’t need to ask if she’s having sex.

I went for a week of backpacking at 16 with a mixed sex group and my Dad offered to “buy condoms” 😆 and I was like eeeew no! This isn’t a trip for having sex al fresco up against a tree, this was more teenagers all into finding a cliff to rapel off and practice rock climbing. That part I didn’t tell my parents as that’s more dangerous than sex.

TheWildZebra · 13/02/2025 18:29

I wouldn’t explicitly ask her - it may make her feel embarrassed, but make sure that she knows she can always come to you with anything and without judgement, and as others have said, make sure you’ve got a healthy baseline conversation about contraceptives, consent etc etc.

I remember so clearly how disappointed my mother sounded when she said “oh” after I told her I was sleeping with my boyfriend. It embedded a real sense of shame in me, so I wouldn’t ask the question unless you know 100% that you can react in an objective and unemotional way that doesn’t make her feel uncomfortable etc. good luck! Fingers crossed no grandkids soon hehe !