15 yo dd and new boyfriend

[LilacPeer]

Hoping for some advice/reassurance.

My DD is 15, 16 in September. She has recently told me that she is 'seeing' a boy in her year. They have been friends as part of a wider group for a couple of years so he has been to our house, with others, and she to his.

Last week she asked to go to his house alone and I said yes, on the understanding his parents would be there. It genuinely didn't occur to me that his parents would consider letting them be alone in his room together. I presumed they (like I would have if they were here) would have kept them downstairs. Anyway, that wasn't the case and I've had to wise up a bit!!

I told her that I didn't feel happy that she was going there alone if she was in his room and she just laughed and said oh don't be silly, everyone does that, his parents don't mind. She was very relaxed about it.

I think my question really is, is it ok for me to ask her outright if they are having sex. I am aware she's underage (as is he) but I am also aware there isn't much I can reasonably do to stop it. I think the thing I'm not sure how to navigate is privacy. I wouldn't want someone quizzing me on my intimate relationships but equally I don't want her to feel it has to be a secret and that she can't come to me.

Contrary to popular opinion, the average age for first time sex is 17 in the UK, which might be useful to share with your DD.
I'd start the conversation with asking her if she understands why you are worried about being in a boy's bedroom and see where it goes from there.

Of course it’s not rape and it horrifically demeaning to actual victims of rape to describe it as such. If any offence was committed it would be sexual activity with a child under section 13 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 and both participants would be equally culpable. It’s almost never prosecuted though.

I think you're right to think about having a conversation with her. You could say I know we've talked about contraception before but now you're in a relationship and may be thinking about having sex at some point, I want to make sure you're thinking about safe sex. Just start the conversation and make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything.

I had this conversation with my 15 (nearly) 16 year old DS this week. We have a pretty open relationship so I was able to ask him. We have had lots of conversations about it before. I think that he’s too young but I would rather that he and his girlfriend were safe than not.

You could tell her all the reasons why it's not a good idea for her to be having sex at 15 (or indeed for a few years to come). Also repeat safe sex info, but put the emphasis on waiting, IMO.