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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cancelling family trip?

51 replies

Lisalala91 · 12/02/2025 20:32

AIBU?

Parenting one - 6 and 8 year old boys!

I try to be as kind and gentle parent as I can be and now I have maybe created a rod for my own back? My boys have been so rude and dismissive of me and my husband - shouting at us, breaking toys (throwing switch controllers eg), refusing to do tiny jobs (put away library books, put rubbish in bin) etc. We have a weekend away planned which is a fair bit of driving and lots of fun things planned there. Both boys have expressed today how they “don’t want a family weekend” and stomped off. To be honest, I feel the same and would rather not go just now, but also aware this is likely a snapshot of my current feelings.

Would I be unreasonable and call their bluff and actually cancel the trip and stay home? Maybe I have been too permissive and let them get away with a lot (empty threats?) and this is unfair to them now? Don’t know; also exhausted and could do with fresh perspective. Thanks!

OP posts:
Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 12/02/2025 20:33

All tech removed might help..... Play nicely together (toys /board games) or it's chores galore imo..

veryvanessa · 12/02/2025 20:58

Why are you letting a six and nine year old dictate to you? You are the parent, not them. They need boundaries.

yeesh · 12/02/2025 21:09

They sound very badly behaved, empty threats simply don’t work

Organisedwannabe · 12/02/2025 21:12

Be honest to yourself, you don’t need to answer here, have you been a gentle parent (acknowledging feelings but with strong boundaries and natural consequences) or have you been a pemissive parent?

Edit - Realised I hadn’t read the last paragraph. Empty threats is permissive parenting. You need to get a handle on this fast as it isn’t fair to anyone, epsecially them.

Sweetappley · 12/02/2025 21:31

Depends how important it is where they are going to.

sciaticafanatica · 12/02/2025 21:39

Jesus Christ... just parent your children.
You are adults and need to act accordingly

MissUltraViolet · 12/02/2025 21:49

Well the gentle parenting hasn’t worked because your children are treating you (and the home/contents) with zero respect.

Regardless of the trip, time to put some consequences and boundaries in place. No more empty threats, it needs to stop tonight.

When are you due to go? Do you have time to implement some changes and see if they can behave better before having to decide?

Goofy03 · 12/02/2025 21:53

Can you go but try and change the behaviour while you’re there? Using it as a way to reset expectations.
Seems nuclear to not go when presumably it’s been booked and paid for? And will be a very miserable punishing weekend at home which sounds a bit rubbish for you too!

Eenameenadeeka · 12/02/2025 22:27

Sounds like you have been permissive parenting rather than gentle parenting (gentle parenting isn't letting them get away with things, it's just being respectful when you hold boundaries) but yeah if no one wants to go on the trip, you could cancel it.

cestlavielife · 12/02/2025 22:30

Go for the weekend and leave all screens behind
Take board games
Take wet weather clothing and be outside

CharlotteFlax · 12/02/2025 22:30

Yeah, just don't go on the trip. No one wants it.

Good luck with toughening up on the parenting. Consistency is key!

Londonrach1 · 12/02/2025 22:31

All technology is removed and start being the parent.

NewHeaven · 12/02/2025 22:34

Leave the brats at home with family or friends and have an extended Valentine's weekend away with your husband instead.

Nodddy · 12/02/2025 22:35

Tech and toys removed. Naughty step invoked. Time to get tough. Throwing switch controllers isn't appropriate and would be a week ban in my house.

Fidgety31 · 12/02/2025 22:35

Boys need boundaries. You’ve let them calm the shots but you need to start being the parent and putting them in their place .
If you don’t no this in the bud now then the teenage years are gonna be horrific .

But I wouldn’t cancel the trip as good family time is equally as important as rules and boundaries .

MellersSmellers · 12/02/2025 22:44

I would cancel if you can get a refund. Why reward their behavior with a lovely weekend away.
And just grow a pair. Sorry, but they sound awful and they will only get worse as they grow into teenagers unless you have clear boundaries.

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 12/02/2025 22:49

Never EVER threaten something that you're not prepared to carry out OP! That to me is one of the first rules of parenting, as when you say something your child/children need to know that you mean it.

It does sound like you've been letting them get away with an awful lot of bad behaviour, do you and your husband agree on how they should be brought up, or is one strict parent, and the other lenient, so the boys can play you off against each other? If this is the case, then you really need to have an adult conversation, away from the children, about how you are planning on going forward as parents, and again, stick to what you agree. For example, if you say 'no' to something, and the child goes to Dad and asks again, Dad must say 'have you asked Mum, and if so, what did she say', then if Mum said 'no', then Dad says 'no' too, no matter whether he actually agrees or not, as otherwise you just undermine each other. You then talk after the kids have gone to bed, about any situations which have occurred that you didn't agree upon, and decide what to do about that situation if it arises again. To coin a phrase, you must always be singing from the same hymn sheet.

If you ask them to do something, then make them do it, don't just keep telling them to do it, and then end up doing it yourself 'because it's easier'! That is lazy parenting, and tells your kids that they only have to ignore you, and you'll do it yourself anyway.

I would suggest that you and your partner decide whether or not you want to go ahead with the weekend, and then tell the boys. However, if you decide to go, but then they're naughty, and you say 'if you don't behave we won't go away for the weekend', then that's it, if they're naughty again, you must NOT GO.

Bumpinthenight · 12/02/2025 22:56

I'd cancel the weekend. Harsh lesson for them to learn which might make them stop in their tracks and think. Don't tell them, wait until they ask if they should pack/what you are doing there/ when you are leaving. Then respond with you said you didn't want to go so we aren't.

Then lay down your new behaviour boundaries and stick to them.

pizzaHeart · 12/02/2025 22:57

veryvanessa · 12/02/2025 20:58

Why are you letting a six and nine year old dictate to you? You are the parent, not them. They need boundaries.

This^

Notgivenuphope · 12/02/2025 22:58

Gentle parenting needs to stop.
Cancel the trip. Get rid of all technology and treats and making a really boring weekend. Chores, helping out, the basics.
They need to learn some humility and gratitude and stop treating you like crap

ServantsGonnaServe · 12/02/2025 22:58

But you aren't calling their bluff, you're giving them what the want.

What about what you and dh want? They aren't the only people in the family.

Why did you choose gentle parenting? How do you gentle parent the tantrums? I would consider our style to be authoritative. We did a lot of

  1. Say no nicely and explain correct behaviour
  2. Say no firmly and set out consequence if it happens again (usually confiscate and naughty step)
  3. Carry out consequence. No amount of whining or shouting would wear us down.

When kids know that No means No, they don't bother having the fight. But it was bloody hard work. You need to get this rapidly under control before the teen years.

Chasingaces · 12/02/2025 23:01

Goodness - start disciplining and parenting them properly or your life will be much more of a misery when they are teenagers and are physically bigger than you snd know they can get away with anything.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2025 23:04

Notgivenuphope · 12/02/2025 22:58

Gentle parenting needs to stop.
Cancel the trip. Get rid of all technology and treats and making a really boring weekend. Chores, helping out, the basics.
They need to learn some humility and gratitude and stop treating you like crap

Gentle parenting is fine. This isn't that. This is permissive parenting with a threatening and repeating but ineffectual parent. Not the same in the slightest.

OP they need chores, boundaries and actual parenting.

<throws controller>
Permissive; oh dear, <telling off>, let's back on Switch

Gentle; oh dear. No more Switch for you until I see you are responsible enough for expensive toys. I know that's sad but there we go.
<cries and screams>
I know it's hard love. There there.
<begs and pleads and promises>
I hear you. Show me some respect for your things and some hard work around here for a few weeks, earn some money to pay for the broken controller, we'll see.

Organisedwannabe · 13/02/2025 09:14

Notgivenuphope · 12/02/2025 22:58

Gentle parenting needs to stop.
Cancel the trip. Get rid of all technology and treats and making a really boring weekend. Chores, helping out, the basics.
They need to learn some humility and gratitude and stop treating you like crap

All the things you describe are gentle parenting but the OP isn’t doing that.

OP I think you need a big reset. It’s going to be hard on everyone, especially your kids but you (you and Dad) have caused it so you’re going to have to fix.

You need to talk through with DH and decide what you’re going to work on first. Then call a family meeting and say you’re not happy with things at home, ask them what they think and what they want to change and then togther agree on what you’re going to change as a family. Write it up, sign it and put it on the fridge. It could be a simple as talk to each other respectfully and we all help out in this house. Work on a couple of issues at a time.

As for this weekend talk to both of the children when you’re all calm and ask them if they want to go on the trip in mature way. Do you want to go? From your description I’m wondering if tensions are high and if everyone is bouncing off each other and it’s spiralling.

biscuitsandbooks · 13/02/2025 09:17

If you don't get a grip on their behaviour now, the teenage years are going to be hell for you.

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