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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being cross that DD’s friends left her behind to walk alone?

79 replies

Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 16:21

DD is in Y6. Once a week she goes with two friends to an activity on the other side of our (fairly small) city after school. Until recently I was driving them there and was happy to do so but the girls have now decided that they would like to walk. It’s about a 35 minute walk. I’ve said that I’m happy with this as long as they’re in a group - I wouldn’t be very happy for DD to be walking down the main road and through a busy city centre alone, especially on a grey and slightly dreary day like today. I think it’s easier for drivers to spot a group in the gloom.

Today, one of DD’s friends (A) was in a sports match and was meant to be finishing slightly late so I told DD that she and their other friend (B) would need to wait for her. No problem - they’d still make it on time. I said I’d come and drop something off for her at the school gate and if they wanted to, they could sit in my car and stay warm until A was finished.

In the end, I couldn’t find a parking space so was (literally) a few minutes late. In the meantime, A’s match finished early. A and B told DD that they wouldn’t wait for her and left her behind . She knew I was coming any second and needed her stuff but they wouldn’t wait for her, even knowing that she wasn’t allowed to walk on her own. This feels pretty unkind, especially as DD was perfectly happy to wait another 30 minutes for A to finish her match, and in general, we’ve often waited a long time for either A or B to collect their things etc. DD was quite upset when I got there because she knew she wasn’t allowed to walk on her own.

We caught them up and I dropped her off with them, but I did tell them slightly crossly that if they were meant to be walking together, it was dangerous to leave one person behind. Was I unreasonable to have done so? They looked at me and raised their eyebrows as if they couldn’t understand what I was saying. I am feeling that it was pretty unkind. I am also meant to be giving them another lift tomorrow but am feeling a bit cross about the way they left DD.

Would you say anything to their parents/ ask them to have a word with the girls? I’m not sure how keen I am on letting DD walk again if the other two might just leave her on her own, and that’s a real shame for DD.

OP posts:
littleducks · 12/02/2025 16:25

I can see why you are annoyed but I think you are trying to enforce your own family rules on others. That just won't work as she goes into secondary and you need to concentrate on your daughter and the things she can control.

I may have misunderstood if you and parents had all agreed this with shared ground rules but it didn't sound like it from post.

Anewuser · 12/02/2025 16:25

They are 10 or 11 years old. Kids that age have little understanding of each other.

The friends probably thought you would make them late so they wanted to start walking. They would probably think you would then drop your own daughter at the activity.

I would definitely not mention it to their parents.

Catza · 12/02/2025 16:25

I am not sure I quite understand your post. You said it is easier for drivers to spot the group. Do they actually walk on the road or the pavement?
35 min walk during daytime seems absolutely fine to me. Group dynamics is another issue but I don't see why you wouldn't "allow" her to walk alone.

SapphireOpal · 12/02/2025 16:28

They presumably thought that if you were driving to drop something off anyway you could just drop her off at club and so it wasn't a problem for them to start walking?

AuntieBsBramble · 12/02/2025 16:32

This does not read like they left DD to walk alone it reads as they left DD to be picked up by her mum - who has some fussy rules about what is allowed/ not allowed - and chased them down in her car to have a go at them.

Not sure who is most unable to understand that other people may have a different interpretation of events in this scenario. But I think it may be you.

BrieAndChilli · 12/02/2025 16:33

I have always drummed it into the kids that you stay as a group and should never leave people behind. It is decent courtesy but mainly a safety issue. A single girl(or boy) on her own is much more likely to be targeted than a group. DD is 16 now and they always make sure no-one is walking home on their own late at night, they do a little round robin walk to drop people off and so that the last couple only have to walk a couple of houses etc.

I would maybe if you are chatty with the other parents ask them to have the discussion with their daughters to explain the risks of leaving people behind and may reiterate that it is better to be a few minutes late and be safe

Soontobe60 · 12/02/2025 16:33

You were late, they didn’t want to be late, they didn’t know when you would turn up so they set off. Your DD could have walked with them and let you know they’d set off. Telling them it was dangerous to leave one person behind is pretty awful I think. It’s not dark, I assume your DD has road sense, she would have been fine. You’re definitely out of order, and if I were child A or Bs parent I’d be pretty cross at your comments.

Changingplace · 12/02/2025 16:33

I don’t understand why they were still going to walk when you were there with the car? Surely if you were going anyway why didn’t you say you’d drive them all?

You were late, her friends stuck to the original plan to walk, I think you’ve over complicated the whole thing.

MyPrettyLittleBella · 12/02/2025 16:34

I agree with you and have always encouraged 'safety in numbers'. I wouldn't mention it to the parents but would wonder if the others understand that it is courteous to wait. I suspect they were worried about being late for the activity at the other side of town rather than understanding that they shouldn't leave your daughter to walk alone. If they looked surprised, it suggests that they didn't do it out of being mean. I would probably have a chat with my child and see how they feel about it. Presumably your dd can ring you if it were to happen again so you could pick her up if needed?

Comedycook · 12/02/2025 16:35

You cannot really expect primary aged children to take on the responsibility for your child's safety.

CheeseNPickle3 · 12/02/2025 16:38

Soontobe60 · 12/02/2025 16:33

You were late, they didn’t want to be late, they didn’t know when you would turn up so they set off. Your DD could have walked with them and let you know they’d set off. Telling them it was dangerous to leave one person behind is pretty awful I think. It’s not dark, I assume your DD has road sense, she would have been fine. You’re definitely out of order, and if I were child A or Bs parent I’d be pretty cross at your comments.

But OP's daughter was prepared to wait for A's match to finish before setting off. You don't leave your friends behind on their own.

Original poster
Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 16:38

They were absolutely not going to be late. On the contrary, they wouldn’t even have been late if they’d waited another half hour for friend A to finish her match as originally planned. They will now be sitting outside the activity for 45 minutes before it starts.

These are ten year old children. I really don’t think it’s fussy to want them to walk in a group in this kind of light.

OP posts:
AuntieBsBramble · 12/02/2025 16:42

They were a group - a group of two. The fact you wanted/ needed your DD to wait for you to arrive is what caused the group to split.

Glitterandmud · 12/02/2025 16:46

My dd is a similar age and also letting her and her friends have some independence. I would want to know if she had left a friend to walk alone so I could explain why I don't want her doing that, safety in numbers etc. I wouldn't be reading the riot act or anything but if I know I can address it and hopefully it won't happen again.

Catza · 12/02/2025 16:47

Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 16:38

They were absolutely not going to be late. On the contrary, they wouldn’t even have been late if they’d waited another half hour for friend A to finish her match as originally planned. They will now be sitting outside the activity for 45 minutes before it starts.

These are ten year old children. I really don’t think it’s fussy to want them to walk in a group in this kind of light.

I've just re-read your post. A&B did indeed walk as a group, your daughter didn't walk anywhere and was left to wait for you (at the school gates, I presume). So which rule was broken?

loropianalover · 12/02/2025 16:47

I don’t think you should have pulled up next to them and had words, and I don’t think you should liaise with the other parents on ‘how’ they should walk. It will just never work out the way you want it to.

In saying that, I personally think 10 is way too young to be walking in the city, especially at the same time each week/as part of their routine. You’ve seen now that the walking together plan won’t always work out, so I wouldn’t allow DD to walk and would just organise her comings/goings yourself. Many will think that’s strict, but I wouldn’t care.

NatMoz · 12/02/2025 16:49

I'm sorry but i would expect 10 year olds to walk in a group and i don't think YABU.

Really surprised everyone else would be happy for a 10 year old girl to walk through a city centre alone because her friends were inconsiderate. Extra shame on the girl who was going to be late due to a sports match while the others waited for her but could not reciprocate the notion for a few minutes for your daughter.

I have a toddler so maybe i don't know the ways of pre teens but I'd be mad if this happened to my daughter and i would tell them off

ItGhoul · 12/02/2025 16:49

Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 16:38

They were absolutely not going to be late. On the contrary, they wouldn’t even have been late if they’d waited another half hour for friend A to finish her match as originally planned. They will now be sitting outside the activity for 45 minutes before it starts.

These are ten year old children. I really don’t think it’s fussy to want them to walk in a group in this kind of light.

But you can't expect other people's kids to adhere to your rules. It's not really their issue that you think your DD shouldn't be walking alone. They're not her childminder and probably had no idea what all the fuss was about - particularly as you were driving the school gates anyway! Presumably they thought you would just pick up your DD and drop her off.

Essentially, if you set rules for your DD that hinge around the cooperation of other people's kids who aren't obliged to follow your rules, then you expect things to go smoothly all the time and you can't expect to be contacting the other kids' parents to tell them that their kids didn't facilitate the rules you've set for your own child.

Vaxtable · 12/02/2025 16:50

My god some of these comments

the kids are 10/11Not 16. They should be walking in a group or not at all, no way would I want a child of that age walking on her own across a city.

i wouldn’t mention it to their parents this time unless they also agreed the rule. There was however no need for them to leave one behind, and that was rude

KrisAkabusi · 12/02/2025 16:50

These are ten year old children. I really don’t think it’s fussy to want them to walk in a group in this kind of light.

Between this and your earlier comment about drivers seeing them in the gloom, I think you're overthinking this. You said its a city. There will be footpaths and streetlights. If they are crossing streets there will be traffic lights and junctions. They shouldn't have left a friend, but they probably aren't as concerned about this issue as you are.

Hdjdb42 · 12/02/2025 16:52

I don't understand, so your daughter was waiting at the gate for you? Her friends were walking home? You needed her friends to wait and pass you her stuff, while you're sat in your car, so she could do her after school activity? If so, you're being massively unreasonable asking her friends to get involved with that. Next time leave them alone and go meet your daughter for her stuff. Why does she need to pass u her stuff? Why can't she bring it after her activity?

Pyjamatimenow · 12/02/2025 16:53

You can’t trust other kids or their parents at this stage. Dd isn’t as yet allowed to go to the park alone. A parent had her over for a play date and when I arrived to collect the mum had sent them off to the park. I didn’t say anything because obviously it was the norm for her daughter and she didn’t realise. I just had a conversation with dd about making sure she contacted me if there was ever a change of plan or she found herself in a situation she knows I wouldn’t like

XWKD · 12/02/2025 16:55

You can't decide she's not allowed to walk home on her own if she has nobody to walk with, and you can't tell other people to walk with her.

DailyEnergyCrisis · 12/02/2025 16:57

You can’t make rules for your DD that are dependant on other 10 year olds- whether or not you believe it’s in their collective best interests. Set boundaries for your child that they have full agency over. Personally I think the long walk across a city and hanging around outside an activity for what seems to be up to an hour or more doesn’t feel age appropriate for a 10 year old.

Springsunflower · 12/02/2025 16:57

Eerr
No
You can't enforce your rules on other children
It's not up to you to decide if they can walk together or not
All you can do is have rules for your child
I wouldn't be surprised if you had an angry text message from one of the girls parents,you had no right to tell them off ,and they will probably take it out on your DD at a later date ..sadly ..