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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being cross that DD’s friends left her behind to walk alone?

79 replies

Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 16:21

DD is in Y6. Once a week she goes with two friends to an activity on the other side of our (fairly small) city after school. Until recently I was driving them there and was happy to do so but the girls have now decided that they would like to walk. It’s about a 35 minute walk. I’ve said that I’m happy with this as long as they’re in a group - I wouldn’t be very happy for DD to be walking down the main road and through a busy city centre alone, especially on a grey and slightly dreary day like today. I think it’s easier for drivers to spot a group in the gloom.

Today, one of DD’s friends (A) was in a sports match and was meant to be finishing slightly late so I told DD that she and their other friend (B) would need to wait for her. No problem - they’d still make it on time. I said I’d come and drop something off for her at the school gate and if they wanted to, they could sit in my car and stay warm until A was finished.

In the end, I couldn’t find a parking space so was (literally) a few minutes late. In the meantime, A’s match finished early. A and B told DD that they wouldn’t wait for her and left her behind . She knew I was coming any second and needed her stuff but they wouldn’t wait for her, even knowing that she wasn’t allowed to walk on her own. This feels pretty unkind, especially as DD was perfectly happy to wait another 30 minutes for A to finish her match, and in general, we’ve often waited a long time for either A or B to collect their things etc. DD was quite upset when I got there because she knew she wasn’t allowed to walk on her own.

We caught them up and I dropped her off with them, but I did tell them slightly crossly that if they were meant to be walking together, it was dangerous to leave one person behind. Was I unreasonable to have done so? They looked at me and raised their eyebrows as if they couldn’t understand what I was saying. I am feeling that it was pretty unkind. I am also meant to be giving them another lift tomorrow but am feeling a bit cross about the way they left DD.

Would you say anything to their parents/ ask them to have a word with the girls? I’m not sure how keen I am on letting DD walk again if the other two might just leave her on her own, and that’s a real shame for DD.

OP posts:
FKAT · 12/02/2025 16:58

I think the kids are OK to do this walk at 10 years. But I don't think it's at all reasonable to expect them to manage more complicated arrangements, make decisions on the fly and take responsibility for group safety. This is way beyond their level of maturity.

RawBloomers · 12/02/2025 17:02

These are ten year old children. I really don’t think it’s fussy to want them to walk in a group in this kind of light.

You might not, but they do. So stamping your feet about it is pointless. It’s a difference of opinion and you have no authority over them.

I understand what you mean about the light. And 10 year olds are still relatively small. So I see where your concerned about them crossing roads etc. comes from. But you don’t have the luxury of being able to demand other children comply with your rules so you will be better off working out if you can mitigate the risk in some other way that doesn’t leave your DD in the position of having to rely on others like this.

I do think it’s worth a chat with DD about what sort of friends these other girls are, though. Not waiting for a few minutes for her when she’s been waiting for them seems fairly nasty if they are supposed to be friends and not just girls who happen to go to the same activity.

Comedycook · 12/02/2025 17:04

I understand what you wanted to happen and why....it's understandable. But you cannot expect ten year old children to have your dds safety at the forefront of their minds.

PandaTime · 12/02/2025 17:09

These other two girls aren't your children. You don't get to tell them what to do. Your daughter was alone because you told her to wait for you.

SapphireOpal · 12/02/2025 17:10

Why didn't your DD start walking and ring you to ask you to meet her en route?

FabuIous · 12/02/2025 17:13

It sounds like it isn’t a safe route, if it’s on a main road and you’re having to rely on other drivers seeing a group of kids and avoiding them? Is there no pavement at all?

Original poster
Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 17:15

Apologies if it wasn’t clear from my OP, but it had been arranged with the other families in advance that the girls would walk together. I wasn’t just foisting my DD on the other kids and expecting everyone else to adhere to my rules. If you’ve arranged to walk together somewhere as a group (and have made concessions that involve you waiting around for half an hour for one member of that group) then it really is a bit much when that friend won’t wait five minutes for you. I wasn’t Imposing my rules on other families. This was what the girls had been told by all their parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 17:34

There is a pavement but where we are, it’s been quite a dark, grey day and there are quite a few side roads at the side of the main road to cross. They have only done this walk 4 times before - it’s a fairly new thing for them.

Maybe I am being unreasonable then . But seriously, if I found out that DD had left a friend in this situation, I would be telling her that it wasn’t a kind thing to do and I expected her to be less inconsiderate next time. I am genuinely flummoxed that other people think this was a perfectly ok thing to do.

OP posts:
XWKD · 12/02/2025 17:37

If it was arranged, it was a bit mean to walk off when she had waited.

Original poster
Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 17:38

I suppose part of the reason I am also a bit annoyed is that over the years, I have spent many hours waiting for these two kids who are often a bit late because they’ve forgotten trainers or instruments or coats or whatever. I would never in a million years have just left them at school to make their own way to the activity- that would have been a horrible thing to do. Even if it made my own child a bit late. It’s just being part of a team, isn’t it? It’s just what you do.

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 12/02/2025 17:44

@Potentiallyprecious

I'd feel exactly the same as you.

PandaTime · 12/02/2025 17:44

The arrangement was to wait for Friend A to finish and then they would walk together. So when Friend A got out they wanted to walk together as planned. It wasn't their fault your daughter stayed back. I think you need to communicate a bit better with your daughter or give her the means to contact you if she is unsure about what to do. There was no need for them all to wait for you.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 12/02/2025 17:45

SapphireOpal · 12/02/2025 16:28

They presumably thought that if you were driving to drop something off anyway you could just drop her off at club and so it wasn't a problem for them to start walking?

This was my feeling too. It is a pragmatic viewpoint.

Said kindly OP, your daughter is your whole world and focus, rightly so. Her friends, and their parents, … not so much.

FKAT · 12/02/2025 17:45

If you’ve arranged to walk together somewhere as a group (and have made concessions that involve you waiting around for half an hour for one member of that group) then it really is a bit much when that friend won’t wait five minutes for you

I really think you're expecting a bit much of 10 year old girls here and I am guessing you don't know the whole story about what was discussed by them. I'm confused about the arrangements and who was waiting for who and what the plans were and I am not ten. They are not miniature adults. Their brains aren't developed in a way that manages multiple scenarios and considerations. All they know is they have 35 minutes (a long walk by the way) to walk to their activity after school and it's after school and they need to walk now. They might be nervous about waiting and they might be nervous about the walk as it's a new responsibility for them.

Octavia64 · 12/02/2025 17:49

You can't make other children who aren't part of your family do what you want.

This sort of thing is completely normal. Many parents by this point in year 6 are starting to get their children used to walking or cycling alone ready to go to secondary,

It is very unfair on your DD to tell her she must be in a group when she cannot force that to happen.

Buy her a yellow reflective overcoat if you are worried about her being seen.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 12/02/2025 17:53

They don't have to follow your rules.
DD needed to wait for you. Why didn't she have her stuff?
You made the rule she couldn't walk alone.
They only answer to their parents not you.

I wouldn't have been happy for my child to stand around waiting for you to drop something off and would've told them to go.

You may have caused a lot of issues now. Because if my child were to come home saying you were cross I'd be saying to ditch your DD as you seem to much trouble.

SlipDigby · 12/02/2025 17:53

I don't think you are unreasonable to be upset but if my mum had chased down my friends in her car to give them a bollocking when I was 10, that memory would probably still haunt me to this day.

coxesorangepippin · 12/02/2025 17:54

Yabu

They are too young to be that responsible

coxesorangepippin · 12/02/2025 17:55

Because if my child were to come home saying you were cross I'd be saying to ditch your DD as you seem to much trouble.
^

This, really

Fluffylittlebubbles · 12/02/2025 17:55

I think the friends were being mean. Why was it ok for friend B and your DD to wait 30 minutes for friend A but friends A&B couldn't wait 5 minutes for your DD when it wouldn't make them late?

Namenamchange · 12/02/2025 17:57

You were late op, that’s not on them.

Your dd didn’t stay with the group, how were they to know you weren’t held up, and they wouldn’t be late.

i Understand why you are pissed off, but maybe reduce some of the lifts you give, and waiting around if it’s not reciprocated by the other parents

biscuitsandbooks · 12/02/2025 18:00

You complicated the arrangements by arranging to meet them and then turning up late, IMO.

As it is, your DD wasn't left to walk alone, she was left to wait for you because you weren't on time and your DD didn't know what she was supposed to do.

mjdle · 12/02/2025 18:00

I actually think it's really good practice to teach kids, especially girls, that you don't leave a friend behind regardless of their family rules. I'm always drumming it into my girls and their friends heads and have done that since they were much younger ( now twenties).

Original poster
Potentiallyprecious · 12/02/2025 18:04

I was late by literally a few minutes because I couldn’t find anywhere to park - often the girls haven’t even come out of school by that point. This was not a situation where they would have been wondering what to do. Very often somebody is still collecting their bag from their classroom at this point.

Again, this was an arrangement which had been put in place by all three families- not one I was unilaterally trying to impose on to the others.

OP posts:
CoralOP · 12/02/2025 18:11

I completely understand your feelings.
It isn't about trying to impose rules onto other kids, she's just expecting them to be decent enough not to leave their friend when their friends has just waited for them.
It's fair to think they should care about their friend.
My 10 year old son wouldn't dream of just leaving his friend because he couldn't be bothered to wait.

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