For being cross that DD’s friends left her behind to walk alone?

[Potentiallyprecious]

DD is in Y6. Once a week she goes with two friends to an activity on the other side of our (fairly small) city after school. Until recently I was driving them there and was happy to do so but the girls have now decided that they would like to walk. It’s about a 35 minute walk. I’ve said that I’m happy with this as long as they’re in a group - I wouldn’t be very happy for DD to be walking down the main road and through a busy city centre alone, especially on a grey and slightly dreary day like today. I think it’s easier for drivers to spot a group in the gloom.

Today, one of DD’s friends (A) was in a sports match and was meant to be finishing slightly late so I told DD that she and their other friend (B) would need to wait for her. No problem - they’d still make it on time. I said I’d come and drop something off for her at the school gate and if they wanted to, they could sit in my car and stay warm until A was finished.

In the end, I couldn’t find a parking space so was (literally) a few minutes late. In the meantime, A’s match finished early. A and B told DD that they wouldn’t wait for her and left her behind . She knew I was coming any second and needed her stuff but they wouldn’t wait for her, even knowing that she wasn’t allowed to walk on her own. This feels pretty unkind, especially as DD was perfectly happy to wait another 30 minutes for A to finish her match, and in general, we’ve often waited a long time for either A or B to collect their things etc. DD was quite upset when I got there because she knew she wasn’t allowed to walk on her own.

We caught them up and I dropped her off with them, but I did tell them slightly crossly that if they were meant to be walking together, it was dangerous to leave one person behind. Was I unreasonable to have done so? They looked at me and raised their eyebrows as if they couldn’t understand what I was saying. I am feeling that it was pretty unkind. I am also meant to be giving them another lift tomorrow but am feeling a bit cross about the way they left DD.

Would you say anything to their parents/ ask them to have a word with the girls? I’m not sure how keen I am on letting DD walk again if the other two might just leave her on her own, and that’s a real shame for DD.

I would never in a million years have just left them at school to make their own way to the activity- that would have been a horrible thing to do. Even if it made my own child a bit late. It’s just being part of a team, isn’t it? It’s just what you do.

But that's because you're an adult with 30-40 years of experience and responsibilities. These are kids! They don't think like that. And with the greatest of respect, you, your kid and two others are not a team. You as an adult are at a completely different level. It's very clear you're expecting adult thinking from children.

If they're 10 year old children I would question letting then walk 35 minutes across the city. I would drop your DD off in future. The other 10 year olds aren't responsible for your child's safety.

I completely understand where you're coming from, OP - to be honest at 10 I think they're only barely old enough to be doing that length of a walk across a city in a group, and I certainly wouldn't want my 10yo doing it alone. If the other girls had had a bit of sense they would have recognised that leaving your daughter alone was the wrong choice, and would have waited a bit longer for you. It may be just age and immaturity, rather than unkindness, although I'd like to think my similar-aged daughter's pals wouldn't have done it.

It's clear that the parental understanding was that they would all walk together. I probably wouldn't say anything to the other parents this time, but if it happened again I'd let them know that your girl won't be walking with the others any more as she's been left behind twice and the arrangement just isn't working out. Does she have a mobile phone in case things go wrong again?

But they did come out and didn't know what to do precisely because this was the first time they came out without you being there. I still don't understand which rules were broken. Two girls walked in a "group" and your child wasn't walking anywhere. She was waiting for you, presumably, on school grounds. I don't understand why you were there to begin with if the intention was for all of them to walk.

Yanbu to have rules that you agreed on with the other parents but as there’s so many factors- 3 girls, long wait at the other end, girls coming out at different times… it was inevitable that something would go wrong imo. For example does your dd have a phone so she can call you if the girls have an argument ?
It sounds like they aren’t ready for this yet. You can’t stop the other 2 families continuing the arrangement between them but it sounds like it may be too early for your dd to do this. If it’s not safe for your dd to do this alone then you can’t say that it’s safer with her friends as you don’t know their attitudes towards risk and how their parents will react when you bring up that their girls left your dd.

The other parents are actually really nice people and whilst we’re not best friends, we have all been friends for many years. Maybe you’re right - maybe there are just too many variables in this situation for it to be safe. Which is sad for her - I thought that it was the first step towards her gaining a little bit of independence and she was very excited about it.

I don't think YABU, your daughter and the friend were happy to wait an extra 30 mins so they could have all waited the extra 5, I'd have been annoyed too but I don't think I'd want my 10 year old walking through the city for 35 mins either way in a group or not. Too many weirdos around and clearly they aren't mature enough to be able to make quick decisions when plans change

They should have stayed in a group but as young girls they probably assumed your dd would just get a lift with you then being safe waiting at school. To them they are still a group of two. I’d also maybe consider that they are closer friends to each other than either are to your DD.

But if you hadn't been turning up to drop something off, they'd have all walked to the activity together. The only reason your DD was left behind was because you were supposed to be turning up and weren't where you were supposed to be.

Your right they were unkind not giving her five minutes in future can you not just drive your daughter? They like walking together so much they can continue 🤷‍♀️ if the parents want to know why say its not working for dd because they left her behind

Side note does she have a phone?

Apologies if it’s not clear, but that’s not true.

I turned up at 3.35. They were meant to be there waiting for Friend A until 4pm, so it wouldn’t have mattered whether I was there at 3.30 or 3.35. It was Friend A who changed the plan, not me.

But the point still stands, if you weren't dropping something off to your daughter, they'd have all just left when Friend A was ready (early, as it happens).

But as your DD knew you were coming, she then had to wait for you and couldn't go with her friends.

Friend A is clearly the main friend head friend.

I don’t mean that always in a bad way either but they were willing to wait for her. When she was done early the other friend was willing to leave and go with her.

*You can’t make rules for your DD that are dependant on other 10 year olds- whether or not you believe it’s in their collective best interests."

100% this. It's disappointing how things turned out BUT other 10 year olds cannot be expected to be responsible for keeping your DD safe. You need better communications, back up plans and mainly your DD needs a conversation about what to do in this situation.

You've tried to push this onto 10 year olds and that's not right or reasonable. Your plans can't hinge on their shoulders.

Fwiw i wouldn't have wanted my DD alone either, but this plan was too fragile, and directing your upset at 10 year olds isn't ok.

This was my first thought in a nutshell OP.

They're Y6, not Y11 and too young to take responsibility for the safety of each other.

Plus if they knew you were coming, they didn't leave her to walk alone unless I've gotten confused (which is possible, I'm very pregnant and half asleep).

But my daughter wouldn't be left walking alone in a city, because I wouldn't rely on the common sense of 10 year olds to ensure her safety.

That's our jobs as parents.

The 2 girls waited for girl A to finish the match.

I actually do think it was unkind for child A mostly but also child B to then not wait a few minutes for DD to get her stuff because child A finished early.

I wouldn't be d Irving child A or B in future either. They can make their own way to place if they won't return the favour and wait.

I, sure walking once or twice in heavy rain while your DD goes in a car will focus their little minds towards being a little less selfish and self centred in the future.

OP I totally get it,the other girls should have waited with your DD.

I don't understand why so many people are being dismissive of your concerns. Two were waiting longer than they needed (one being your daughter) to so one of them did not have to walk alone. The one they were waiting for finished early and instead of now waiting for your daughter - went off together.

I wouldn't be happy with my daughter walking on her own as it still goes darkish early and I agree safety in numbers - especially as they have only just started doing it. I would have also said I would prefer you all to stay together girls - but wouldn't have told them off.

They are probably a bit thoughtless at that age and assumed it was ok as you were on your way.

Hopefully it won't happen again but you don't know what their parents have said - they might have said no hanging around when you have finished get straight off.

Has your daughter a phone? If something occurs again I would get her to phone and let you know and she can tell you she is setting off and then text to let you know she has arrived safely.

I don't think it's "fussy", but they aren't babysitting your child. They are two 10 year olds who have been told that they are allowed to do something on their own. Part of the fun of being allowed to walk on your own is being allowed to leave early if you want, and work out your life (will you walk more slowly, have a quick swing, or buy a chocolate bar on the way, with those few extra minutes?) It wasn't kindest to leave your daughter, but there is no reason why they shouldn't chose to do what THEY want and are allowed to do, instead of waiting to play by YOUR rules.

I think what happened here is you were late so they didn't know when you were going to come. So then they decided to go on assuming that as you were coming to school by car that you would drop your dd there by car. In this way they weren't leaving her to walk by herself.

They didn't leave her behind, she waited at school for you to come. It's not a big deal and they did nothing wrong.

This just reminds me of when I used to walk to school with my friends at a similar age. One friend would walk to my street then we’d walk to the next street to get another friend and on to school.
Then the second friends mum got a job so started dropping her off at the other friends house and they just stopped knocking on for me, they started saying they’d ‘meet me on the corner’ but never waited I just had to look out of the window and run out if I saw them. The reality was the just couldn’t be bothered to wait for me or call for me and that’s the reality of your daughter. She’s the 3rd wheel. The unimportant one. The not worth waiting for one. She must feel really rejected. It’s awful

But as I keep saying, it’s not that I’m imposing my rules on other people’s kids - this was what had been agreed between all the families. They were the shared rules.

The families?
Or the girls?
May be th dynamic is evolving.

Obviously if the rule is that A+B must not leave your daughter alone, then A+B need telling off for what happened today. It sounds to me more like it's a convenient so they do it. Today it wasn't convenient so they didn't do it, which is fine.