In light of another thread what is the ‘Worst thing daughter/son in-law has ever said or done to you?

[HaloTRI]

There are always two sides to every story!

That is very sad. I hope he has found some peace with it now.

My MIL didn't like me because, as DH and I developed a relationship, DH developed an understanding of everything wrong about his childhood and his relationship with her.

I grew up with an abusive parent - emotional, psychological, physical, social, and sometimes financial. As DH and I learned about each other in that way you do when your relationship is deepening, he began recognising his own experiences in what he learned of mine. He learned it's not normal to be locked in a room or denied privacy or physically dragged out of bed at 2am and put out onto the doorstep or to have plates or shoes or hammers thrown at you, to be slammed against walls, be told you're worthless/ungrateful/unwanted, and so on (there's more to the abuse but I don't want to go into that level of detail).

There was no big confrontation but he began to slowly distance himself from her, quietly withdrawing until he eventually went NC. At that point he told her why and that he didn't want her in his life and certainly didn't want her around any DC we had.

She blamed me and, to this day if asked, will say I turned him against her. I filled his head with lies. I considered myself above them and too good for their family. That I'm spiteful and selfish. I'm afraid to share him with them because I know I have no chance of holding him if he knows he can escape to his family. I'm m cutting him off from them because I want him to have other options but me.

What it means is, that as the grandson grows up, he may well start to wonder why he never sees his father's side of the family. His mum may say that they are awful people but his interest will be piqued. How are they awful? He'll look on their social media and see nothing thar indicates they are in any way particularly awful and he may well reach out to them in order to establish relations.

If he has had experience of his mum being oddly selective over his relationships with others, friends, gfs etc, he's going to give his grandparents the benefit of the doubt and his mum may very well find herself having to explain herself to her son as to why she has deprived him of having his paternal grandparents in his life as he was growing up. What on earth can she say in her defence that isn't going to sound pathetic and selfish?

I don't think you know many young men to be fair. Not a lot of them will be questioning their relationships with wider family. Most are off sowing their own oats and serving their own interests, as it should be.
As for the controlling mother, they are probably already running a mile. Hopefully

Well I didn't say when they might start to question interfamilial relationships but triggers such as new partners, birth of children, a period of introspection, therapy etc could lead to a questioning of why you are not close to a relative. That's not to say a fair few won't plod on not questioning or caring who's missing from the picture.

I am keeping a list of the hurtful things my mil has done to me over the years, not to upset anyone, just as a reference point so that when I hopefully have dil one day I can avoid replaying the same mistakes.

i think it’s a tricky relationship, I’m sure I have acted badly towards my mil sometimes but always unwittingly. We just think and act very differently despite loving and respecting each other.

Haha! Yes, what a fantasy this poster spins. Its basically a lost heir scenario. Do kids stalk old peoples social media? Doubtful! Does granny’s social media prove she’s a good person? Again:doubtful. From what I can see looking at estranged granny social media—gransnet for instance or fb for parents of estranged adults lots of seniors really show their racist, sexist, homophobic and generally paranoid selves on social media.

I am thinking here about the documentary “fox news brainwashed my father” and the widespread descent into paranoid conspiracy theories of the q anon generation during covid. The social media posts of grandparents can be absolutely horrifying.

Nope! I’m not letting you do that! This was not sexism - this was narcissistic control by the DIL

Obviously there is a much bigger background story to this but it’d take an essay. You’d still try and find something …ist or …ism to feel smug about!

Most will just get on with it. I think your perspective is a very female one. Yes a female grandchild, and often when starting her own family would do what you are saying.

If it wasn't for the fact you said a 2.5hour drive and not 2 and it was a granddaughter not grandson. I'd be wondering if you were my stepmum, as my sil done almost the exact same to all of us. Her family (who all live in the same area) then all went back to the house after but we weren't invited so all got back in our cars and drove the two hours home. We weren't invited to any birthdays after that (no one had complained or anything), which I was happy about 😂

I think a previous poster nailed it when they said that it's easy to be a 'good' DIL if you have a 'good' MIL.

If your MIL is someone who is reasonable, who looks for common ground, who respects boundaries and if you possess those same qualities then you're more likely to have a harmonious relationship. You might not be besties but you will at least be able to navigate your interactions with civility.

You sound lovely, but maybe still hankering a bit as you've been hurt.
Gently, I think you need to let go a bit. Personalities and generations play a big part. The scenarios could be completely different. Just don't be dick and you'll be fine.

It isn't my son ( if you read the thread) and my DH did ( also already commented on 🤷‍♀️)

You were both guests of your dh’s son, not of the DIL. The DIL was a bad host but the real connection between you and that household is your DSS/DH’s DS. If he never learned his to be a good, caring, son is it because his upbringing was poor? Is he angry at his dad for something? Or poorly raised by dad and mum?

When we got engaged, dh phoned his mum to let her know (we were a days travel away and didn't have time to visit to pass on the news).

She burst into tears - and they weren't happy tears! She was distraught at the thought of him marrying me and never going "home" (we live in Scotland and he's from Belfast). He was never going back with or without me, made up his mind years ago!

Next time he visited her he sat her down and pretty much said if you don't want me to marry weegie you won't be seeing much of me either - and after that things were ok. I redeemed myself by providing 3 wonderful grandchildren and we get on just fine these days!

No, it was her usual Sunday to return from church, eat her lunch and go to bed! We accepted that, but did ask if she were getting up to say goodbye before we left. SDSS said again that we were making things awkward by asking him to ask her. So we left without.
You don't need to make excuses for her!

Actually this thread has turned into a much more refreshing, reasonable and rounded discussion about differences in families. More of an emphasis on acceptance and trying hard to build relationships.

None of the MiL thread standard advice of ‘go NC’ for the slightest thing. 😂

I must say, I agree with this.

My son’s husband is the easiest of all of our DiL’s/ to be’s Such an easy, relaxed, non territorial, equal relationship.
No second guessing, no preferential treatment of one ‘inlaw’ family over another. Very straightforward.

That’s interesting part again isn’t it.

People don’t seem to have issues with son in laws. Unless you’ve got a major arse of one.

It’s always the mother and daughter in law relationship never the father and daughter in law either. One women vs another.

Of course both women could be terribly controlling with a mother who can’t stand her little boy being a man with his own home and family and a new wife who can’t stand to share even an hour of her husbands time to the other women in her eyes.

It cant even be being raised differently
otherwise the sons in laws should have these big problems and father in laws.

My aunt is law used to visit my grandparents with two tiny children, one of whom had undiagnosed SENas this was sixty years ago, and would instantly collapse and throw her back out and need to rest. Thats not because she was a bad DIL or a bad guest but because she was run ragged by hr useless husband (my uncle) and the two kids. As soon as she knew she could lie down and the kids wouldnt die of neglect from mr professor of marxist philosophy she would just unconsciously relax enough to collapse. We loved her and really didn’t take it as a kind of lese majestè (sorry can’t remember where the accent goes) if she couldn’t get u and perform host or guest duties appropriately.

Have to say this is absolutely typical mother in law behaviour - blaming Dil for something that is just as much their son's fault.

Yes sadly, appears to be to do with female relationships.

I really don't think it's that dreadful to have an afternoon nap - she might be tired from being up with young children or long hours at work. Asking your son to wake her up to say goodbye is passive aggressive. You sound excessively formal - these people are your family. I would also be wondering if your son was pulling his weight, if she is so tired

Yes, we considered all of that too.

Like you, we try and justify by different expectations.

I suppose we looked at it the other way, invited to visit but that it would be rude of us to leave without saying goodbye.

I must say my DC’s would know it was rude to invite someone to visit, with a two hour drive, then go to bed for most of the time they were there.

She wasn't asleep when we left, just didn't want to come down.
They didn't have any children at that point.
Her mum had a key to the house and did the cleaning.
DSS was the cook, if her mum didn't have food ready.

You are trying hard to make this about me, don't forget I am not the MiL!😂

I would be mad at dh if he went off for a nap my Parents or his. For two different reasons but either way unless sick it’s rude.

Don't get this at all!