Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think the best times are over?

89 replies

Numblittlebug87 · 11/02/2025 23:33

Turned 40 and just feel so sad all the time. And if not sad then numb.
Parents getting older, probably only got a few years left.
Kids nearly grown up and I’m not actually sad about that because I’ve not enjoyed them very much.
Mediocre job that is not a career and it’s too late for me to now have a career.
Barely any friends because I can’t be bothered - I arrange or agree to things and then either cancel when it comes to it or go and think what a waste of money it was as I didn’t enjoy it.
But mostly I just feel so sad, I feel like I’m looking at my parents getting older and more infirm, my kids flying the nest and then scraping by in a less than fulfilling job for the next 30 years. What’s the point?

Aibu to think that the best times are gone? And that everything becomes impossible as you age?

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 12/02/2025 01:20

You have so much ahead of you. I think you need a holiday, or to see a gp or a break to do some walking, on your own and re-evaluate. Get some fresh air and greenery.

As your dcs become independent, you need to be there less. I've taken a job that requires occasional travel, some new colleagues, a whole new industry to learn, and it makes all the difference.

PrivacyScreen · 12/02/2025 01:20

Numblittlebug87 · 11/02/2025 23:44

I don’t do anything for fun because I don’t find anything fun 🤣
I used to, but now it seems pointless and often expensive. I don’t have the energy either a lot of the time.
Life is now work, mop up everything else at the weekend, work.
I know this is life though!

This is not life! I think you sound depressed.

GiddyCrab · 12/02/2025 01:21

KnickerlessParsons · 11/02/2025 23:40

If you're 40 your parents can't be more than about 70, so in all likelihood they have more than just a few years left.

My parents had me in their 40s and both gone when I was in my 30s and early 40s. Not everyone has their kids in their 30s as you seem to think.

steff13 · 12/02/2025 01:24

I'm in my 40s. My parents died when I was 21 (father) and 23 (mother). When my husband turned 40 he said he didn't want to be responsible for a family anymore, and left me with 3 kids.

Now 2/3 of my kids are grown, I have an amazing career, and lots of friends. Have you tried therapy? Or Zoloft?

Newmumhere40 · 12/02/2025 01:25

Numblittlebug87 · 11/02/2025 23:44

I don’t do anything for fun because I don’t find anything fun 🤣
I used to, but now it seems pointless and often expensive. I don’t have the energy either a lot of the time.
Life is now work, mop up everything else at the weekend, work.
I know this is life though!

That's NOT life, that's the life you are choosing to have. I'm not qualified in this field but there is a depressive tone to your statements, have you spoken to anyone about how you feel?

LBFseBrom · 12/02/2025 01:30

You are feeling down at the moment so the whole world seems grey. However it really isn't and at 40 you are far from too old to carve out a career, many do at your age. I went from strength to strength in my forties. So can you. This is your time, girl, enjoy it!

RedSnapdragon · 12/02/2025 01:35

My 92-year old MIL has a more active social life than most people I know. She travels, goes to various clubs and learns new skills.

Her knees started to bother her but then she had a knee replacement at 89 and carried on with her dancing.

It’s a state of mind and about focusing on the positives rather than the negatives.

user1492757084 · 12/02/2025 01:40

Life is what you choose it to be.
You have fewer responsibilities so think about yourself more and also help out at a local charity. You will gain purpose and self respect.

PandaTime · 12/02/2025 01:49

It was kind of the opposite for me. I spent my 30s dreading turning 40 because it seemed old, middle-aged, my youth would be gone etc. But it was actually a relief when I finally did turn 40 because I realised that there is just as much life ahead of me as there is behind me. For so long I avoided changing career because I felt like I was too old, but in reality I still have nearly 30 more years of working life ahead of me. 30 years! That is a hell of a long time. 30 years ago I was 10. You can do a lot with 30 years.

Moonlightstars · 12/02/2025 04:14

Numblittlebug87 · 11/02/2025 23:44

I don’t do anything for fun because I don’t find anything fun 🤣
I used to, but now it seems pointless and often expensive. I don’t have the energy either a lot of the time.
Life is now work, mop up everything else at the weekend, work.
I know this is life though!

It doesn't have to be.
I have loads of fun and I'm 50. I go out dancing, go to festivals, go to the theatre and comedy shows (do volunteering to get free tickets) go walking in the hills and have Sunday roasts with friends. Host games nights and do the pub quiz. Play a couple of team sports twice a week. Work in 2 jobs slowly increasing the one I prefer. Take the teens to watch cheap local sport and make them play board games (that they love when playing).
I basically say yes to most things and now lead a full life.

CottonCandyLand · 12/02/2025 04:22

My 40s were …..ok……
once I hit 50 I felt my life changed. My attitude to life changed. I got a new realization of what is important and what isn’t worth my time. It really is a case of don’t sweat the small stuff but i don’t think i knew what the small stuff was. Now i do and i feel much freer - and no it doesn’t mean speaking my mind even if it causes offence. It just means i don’t give my time or attention to inconsequential shit or drama.
In short, there’s still a lot of life to look forward to and enjoy so I really hope you find a way to enjoy a fulfilling life.

emanresu24 · 12/02/2025 04:27

You sound depressed and like you need treatment.

Like you say, you've nearly 30 years of work left, so you definitely have time for a career change. I'm (hopefully) having another baby at 40 so it feels like life beginning for me. I do feel very sad looking at my aging parents though, I hate that the most.

LostittoBostik · 12/02/2025 04:28

MasterBeth · 11/02/2025 23:42

Their early 40s are the time that people rate as the least happy times of their life. On average, people report more joy and satisfaction during both youth and later life.

This is true, but one of the main reasons is that at this age people are often "stuck"

Caring for parents and kids younger than yours
Lots of bills to pay as you have to have a bigger house to accommodate those children
Not much time for individual passions.

Youth and late life are the opposite of that

You are at a turning point where more freedom will be possible. You need to work out what you want to do with it.

What bits of your life would you retain if you had to totally start over tomrorow? And what would you change? Start to change it now

Joystir59 · 12/02/2025 04:33

You sound depressed and come across as if you've not had much joy out of anything including your children- have you put much effort into Life? Or been unhappy always and just thought how you felt was how life was?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 12/02/2025 05:26

Life is change and full of ups and downs. My friend with MND can’t feed herself. She said to me recently how she counts her blessings as she can still speak and enjoy music and films. She’s grateful for the small things. Start a gratitude journal. It’ll change your view.

I wish I was only 40.

Lyannaa · 12/02/2025 05:28

You sound depressed. If you don't find joy in anything at all, it's one of the symptoms.

Lyannaa · 12/02/2025 05:33

I do relate to the bit about aging parents because mine are now at a point where they can't do anything much for themselves and they do seem to be like children sometimes.

However, my children are what makes me the most happy. I don't particularly have any desire to be younger again, I wouldn't want to be.

EveryDayisFriday · 12/02/2025 05:51

That's not been my experience, my 30s were tougher than my 40s.

In my 30s I was working up the ladder in my job, not enough time and money and commuting alwas a real bug bear, my kids were young and needed me more, my health was poor because I didn't look after myself.

In my 40s, I'm in a good job which is flexible and WFH. I have a real zest to experience as much as possible. The kids don't need us as much so we have more free time to please ourselves. More disposable income to spend on myself and make exciting plans for the future. I'm prioritising my health by eating well and strength training and having as much downtime as I need.

Powderblue1 · 12/02/2025 06:05

Sounds like you're in perimenopause. It's not normal to feel that way OP

abracadabra1980 · 12/02/2025 06:34

You sound depressed. I've been there, badly, in my life to the point of really really not wanting to be around any more. My exH left me after decades together with two babies, and at the time I was conflicted between wanting to end my life, and stay around for my DC.
That predicament forced change which I never thought I'd recover from, (I hate change), but I had to cope, for them.
I saw my GP and took antidepressants for a year or so. They didn't make me happy but stopped me crying.
I have always loved animals.
Around that time, I rescued a pregnant cat from a rescue and helped her when she gave birth to her 5 kittens. I kept the runt (whom I helped from the sac) and that (ugly) kitten was pure joy in my life for the next 17 years. The bond we shared was like no other. It was like he had imprinted on me.
I went back to education and I qualified in a new career that was animal orientated which I loved, then along came my first puppy, followed by a few more dogs over the years. Through my dog I joined a charity and ended up doing welfare work and had to pinch myself that I was actually working in the role I was doing, as I loved it so much.
Roll on a decade or so, I remarried then separated - all amicable- lost my BFF to cancer, age 50, along with a few other acquaintances around the same time and DM a year ago after a long battle with dementia.
I plummeted mentally for a while again (badly) and needed the help of an SSRI again for a while.
DC have now left home and are finished Uni/financially independent in their own homes. I miss them but I'm also proud that this proves I've done my job: they are independent adults who have flown the nest- it's too much of a burden to rely on your children to keep your spirits up for the rest of your life.
Just try and follow one, tiny thing, that makes you feel engaged with life, energy, comfort, the future.
if you want to spend the rest of your life under the duvet, listening to Podcasts, plan a way of trying to make that happen and just do it.
Yesterday I was in a field watching my 2 dogs sniffing, playing, getting muddy, getting wet, just having the time of their lives. If my heart had had a mouth it would have smiled, and I wonder how I could ever have plummeted so badly, mentally in the past.
I'm so, so happy at nearer 60 than 50. Why?
Because I followed my gut and my heart. I've taken a gamble financially, with my (small) pension pot and with financial advice am now semi retired, on not a lot of £, but I've bought time when I want it, which is now, while I'm healthy. I don't want that money in my 80's if I live that long. Won't need it then. I want my best time now, with my animals, taking my DC and partners out for meals - simple things, and plodding around the countryside.
You are approaching the age where life starts to get very short and people do start ailing, and/or you lose them. Just take one hour at a time and push on.
I was given the most realistic bit advice my my exFIL, in that "nothing stays the same for ever"- that includes the bad times and nobody escapes them. It's SO true. You look back and think 'how did I end up here'? You can maybe influence your path by choices, however fate will change your life anyway.
The birds will start nesting soon, and life begins again for them. It can for you, too. Good luck 🤞

Catza · 12/02/2025 06:37

40 is not too late for a career! You still have more than half of your working life ahead of you. There is a lot you can do professionally in 27 years. I changed my career at 38, quickly went up the ranks and loving it at 41. And I am certain I will have another change before I am retired - there are just so many things I'd love to try.
The issue is not your age, it's your state of mind. Start with a GP appointment to talk about depression and/or peri and go from there.

discdiscsnap · 12/02/2025 06:39

You sound depressed/stuck. Do you love your partner, kids?

I'd look at accessing some therapy to help you move forward.

Huckyfell · 12/02/2025 06:41

It's all in your hands, make it as you wish.

Zuve · 12/02/2025 06:41

Oh come, on you are as old as you feel.

junebirthdaygirl · 12/02/2025 06:55

I am in my my 60s. Dc grown and left home. I did lose my dps which did hit me hard at both times but l am still having a great life now. I retired recently and my new found freedom is brilliant even though l always loved my job. I have no responsibilities now so can do anything l want when the opportunity arises.
One of the main things that kept my joy going was exercise. I just walked when dc were young due to time etc but as soon as they were independent l took up more and l absolutely love it.
My dc are meeting their life partners and that is fun and exciting as l watch their lives change and welcome those new people into the family.
My life is not a bed of roses as my dh has a long term illness but overall l am very happy.
Chat to your GP. If you could possibly change one thing begin to exercise. It will lift your mood.