You sound depressed. I've been there, badly, in my life to the point of really really not wanting to be around any more. My exH left me after decades together with two babies, and at the time I was conflicted between wanting to end my life, and stay around for my DC.
That predicament forced change which I never thought I'd recover from, (I hate change), but I had to cope, for them.
I saw my GP and took antidepressants for a year or so. They didn't make me happy but stopped me crying.
I have always loved animals.
Around that time, I rescued a pregnant cat from a rescue and helped her when she gave birth to her 5 kittens. I kept the runt (whom I helped from the sac) and that (ugly) kitten was pure joy in my life for the next 17 years. The bond we shared was like no other. It was like he had imprinted on me.
I went back to education and I qualified in a new career that was animal orientated which I loved, then along came my first puppy, followed by a few more dogs over the years. Through my dog I joined a charity and ended up doing welfare work and had to pinch myself that I was actually working in the role I was doing, as I loved it so much.
Roll on a decade or so, I remarried then separated - all amicable- lost my BFF to cancer, age 50, along with a few other acquaintances around the same time and DM a year ago after a long battle with dementia.
I plummeted mentally for a while again (badly) and needed the help of an SSRI again for a while.
DC have now left home and are finished Uni/financially independent in their own homes. I miss them but I'm also proud that this proves I've done my job: they are independent adults who have flown the nest- it's too much of a burden to rely on your children to keep your spirits up for the rest of your life.
Just try and follow one, tiny thing, that makes you feel engaged with life, energy, comfort, the future.
if you want to spend the rest of your life under the duvet, listening to Podcasts, plan a way of trying to make that happen and just do it.
Yesterday I was in a field watching my 2 dogs sniffing, playing, getting muddy, getting wet, just having the time of their lives. If my heart had had a mouth it would have smiled, and I wonder how I could ever have plummeted so badly, mentally in the past.
I'm so, so happy at nearer 60 than 50. Why?
Because I followed my gut and my heart. I've taken a gamble financially, with my (small) pension pot and with financial advice am now semi retired, on not a lot of £, but I've bought time when I want it, which is now, while I'm healthy. I don't want that money in my 80's if I live that long. Won't need it then. I want my best time now, with my animals, taking my DC and partners out for meals - simple things, and plodding around the countryside.
You are approaching the age where life starts to get very short and people do start ailing, and/or you lose them. Just take one hour at a time and push on.
I was given the most realistic bit advice my my exFIL, in that "nothing stays the same for ever"- that includes the bad times and nobody escapes them. It's SO true. You look back and think 'how did I end up here'? You can maybe influence your path by choices, however fate will change your life anyway.
The birds will start nesting soon, and life begins again for them. It can for you, too. Good luck 🤞