Adult children sharing the same room as parents on holiday. Yes or no?

[bobbythejobby]

Parents decide to book a cruise for family of four - mum, dad, daughter and son. They say this is going to be their last family holiday now the two kids are getting older. DS is 15, DD is 24 and has already moved out but when they book the cruise they put her on the booking and pay for her to go but don’t ask her in advance or even tell her they’re going to book a cruise. So on the one hand a free holiday is not to be sniffed at.

However the cabin they book is literally the size of a shoebox and is just one room with bunk beds so all four are sharing this small space and equally small bathroom.

DD says she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with her 15 year old brother and 50-odd year old dad and asks if they can book another cabin for her to share with mum or can she can book her own cabin that she’ll pay for out of her own money as she’s working. Parents say no to booking another cabin or giving DD the details for the travel agent to book her own because they think there are unlikely to be any cabins left anyway as there were only a few at the time they booked. Therefore DD doesn’t go on the holiday.

So who’s being unreasonable (if anyone)?

I had been going to keep this anonymous how I fit into this scenario to try and get as unbiased opinions as possible but I know people will ask so I was the daughter who didn’t go on the cruise. I was (and still am) married at the time and couldn’t stomach the thought of sharing a small room with my dad and brother. I spent months trying to talk myself into going but I just couldn’t no matter how I tried to trick my brain into it.

This happened over ten years ago but the reason I’m asking this now is because now and again my mum will bring this up and insinuate I was wrong for feeling so uncomfortable about it that I didn’t go on our last family holiday.

Would welcome others’ opinions on this just out of curiosity as to if I was unreasonable or not to not go.

I might be doing 2+2=5 but it's like they didn't want to recognise the wedding, marriage or husband.

Giving Op the details of the cruise and travel agent would no doubt have meant Op would have booked separate cabin and had her DH with her.

It's very controlling behaviour by the Mother.
Op is she still the same with your DH?

It's the bunks that gets me. It's not exactly dignified getting in or out the top bunk.
Adult / Adolescent climbing up there over the top of the other one, in flimsy pjs.
Nice. Lots of bits wobbling around. 🙈

4 of you in one room wouldn't have been so much of an issue if it was a normal room bit more space, two single beds and before you were married.

I don’t think it’s particularly weird to share a room with your adult father or brother when you’re an adult, and I admit that I find it mildly strange that the issue here is sharing across members of your immediate family who are of a different sex. However personally I would not at all find it comfortable to share a small cramped room with four other people and one tiny bathroom for the same, regardless of sex. So in that sense I don’t blame you.

I wouldn't find it weird to share a room with my dad etc at that age but its weird that they wouldn't allow you to book separate cabins if you were paying.

We are taking my 17/19 yo old DCs and they were happy to share with us (both boys) but we booked separate cabins anyway as it was a good deal. Just seems so strange to not have discussions about hols, I would never assume the DC are OK with us all sharing, if it was the only option then they would have the choice of coming or not. You are definitely not BU.

At 24 nobody gets to dictate where you go or what you do, especially when you were married and moved out so not living under their roof! Expecting you to come and not inviting your husband/wife was also incredibly rude, as a working person you only had finite holiday to take, booking and paying for you without you knowing, so expecting you to spend it with them and not your own spouse is serious CF behaviour.
I would never have entertained going without my partner, nor would i have shared a tiny family room. Won't give the details to book a separate cabin and invite my spouse? Enjoy your holiday without me.

Yuck. Four people sharing a tiny cabin and fetid little bathroom?? No way. YANBU to say the least.

I voted YABU but only because I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. 4 adults sharing a cabin.
It wasn't that bad and you'd be surprised at how many people do it. Not all cabins are like sardine cans - some are actually quite roomy..
It's only like camping or staying in a caravan but better. To be fair I'd draw the line at camping ..
Booking a solo cabin for yourself would have cost you practically the same amount your parents paid for their cabin for 4.

At 24, I would have chanced booking my own cabin TBH, before opting out. If I were a teenager I'd only feel comfortable going if there were a male section and a female section to the room - a partition of some sort would suffice.

I would have spent most of my time doing fun sporty swimmy things alone or with my brother.
I would have read books too. I would have tried to go along and a larger cabin I would have tolerated.

Why is everyone going on about tiny cabins and bathrooms? Have you all been on cruises?

So, I wouldn’t have felt creepy-uncomfortable with my brother or my dad and I think it’s not a good sign of family dynamics that you do.

But, you are an adult and married. It is extremely weird for your parents to book a holiday including you without your husband and without consulting you. I definitely wouldn’t have gone because of that.

This is particularly odd because the exact same story came up not long ago on here, but it was actually the grandparents on the cruise with the grandchildren.

I stayed in a tiny inside room as a teen, with my teen brother, and that was bad enough. I wouldn't want to stay in an inside cabin regardless of who was there anyway, it's like being locked in a cupboard and I have ASD and anxiety. I didn't have a choice as I was too young to stay home, and I was very grateful and felt guilty and sad for my parents that my brother kept complaining.

You'd pay back the money someone spent booking a holiday for you when you weren't even asked if you wanted and were free to go? The daughter doesn't owe them anything, they should have asked if she wanted to go and explained that they were going to book a shares room for all 4 of them.

I thought no way from the off but once I saw the detail that you were married I was shocked. What on earth was your mum thinking?!

For those asking if my mum had an issue with my dh and that’s why he wasn’t invited - my mum has never given me any indication she doesn’t like my dh, her and my dad have been pretty accepting of him. We’d gotten married not long before the cruise debacle and my parents seemed totally fine with the wedding. I think the reason for adding me to the booking, in my mum’s mind anyway, was that she wanted it to just be her children and no one else and also she thought id feel left out if she only added my brother (I wouldn’t have but I see where she was coming from).

The last family holiday part came from the fact my brother was 15. I hadn’t been on holidays with them for years at that point. I’m not sure if she was hoping I’d come for this one last holiday. The frustrating thing is that I and dh actually wouldn’t have had an issue with me going away for the fortnight without him if my parents had let me book my own space.

I think it was bad planning at the time. They booked the holiday as a spur of the moment thing and didn’t really think it through.

for those that say they wouldn’t have a problem sharing a small space/room with their family, I’m almost kind of jealous because I can’t imagine being that close to my parents that I’d be willing to do that. We were just never a very close or affectionate family and I think that’s why it felt so uncomfortable to me.

We did a "cheap" one from Southampton.
Started at £900 for 4 of us seemed a great deal.

Then we ended up at about £3k by the time we added the cost of drinks package, upgrade to a window and travel to Southampton (flights / train / overnight in Southampton)

@Schoolchoicesucks in hindsight I wasn’t very sensitive initially when i found out about the cruise. How I found out about the plans is a story in itself. I actually found out about it second hand. I can remember going up to my parents just to say hi and my dad had a friend in. As I walked in the front door I overheard my dad telling his friend they’d booked a cruise and then something about the ‘four of us sharing a cabin’. I then asked my mum who confirmed they’d booked it days ago but hasn’t got round to telling me yet. So that put things on a bad foot straightaway.

initially I was admittedly pretty angry because I actually would have liked to go for this ‘one last holiday’ with or without dh but the chance for me to book my own cabin had essentially passed because they didn’t consult me beforehand.

I did try to talk to my mum about it more calmly later and put forth alternatives so I could go but she was so defensive/annoyed about me not being happy to share with them that it always descended into an argument. In the end I felt like I had no choice but to decline because if I had done some digging to find out the cruise details and booked my own cabin my mum wouldn’t have been happy with that.

Db didn’t say an awful lot after they’d been on the holiday but notably he did say the cabin was ‘very small’.

What have parents got to lose letting DD contact the travel agent and try unless bigger more expensive cabins were available and they are embarrassed

They booked you on their holiday when you were 24 without asking you? Lol. 🤪That’s bad enough, without the rest of it.

They sound completely overbearing. Tell them to STFU next time they bring it. If they continue to still go on about it or if they’re still as bloody weird as they were back them, see a lot less of them. You’re an adult, now in your 30s, with your own life, you don’t have to put up with this shit.

The unreasonable bit is them booking you on a holiday before asking you if you want to go!

I can’t wrap my head around feeling uncomfortable sharing with your dad or brothers unless there is some untoward background? I would have felt comfortable sharing a small space with my dad. If our (adult) kids choose to go on hold with us - yes, we ask first before making arrangements, siblings are happy to share irrespective of gender as long as they have seperate beds. I thought it was normal to be comfortable in such a space with immediate family (providing they have never given cause otherwise).

I still don't really get the logistics of this.

How did they even know you could get those dates off work?

@HoppingPavlova theres no untoward background around why I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with my dad and brother. I think it’s just that we weren’t a close family. There wasn’t like hugs or sitting on my dads knee when I was a kid. Me and my brother have always had a very distant relationship because of the nine year age gap. He’s literally a stranger to me now I’ve long since moved out. I’m closer with my mum (somewhat anyway). It’s sad but it’s just the way it was in my family. Im actually kind of jealous of those of you who say you wouldn’t have a problem sharing with immediate family.

If your mum brings it up again OP, then I’d be trying to get to the bottom of why you couldn’t book your own cabin?
If she’s insistent in not letting it drop then I would just continue asking for the reason! Turn it back on your mum it was her fault not even giving you a chance to see if you could book another cabin as to why you couldn’t go.

I think this is an excellent strategy to try - clearly the response you've been giving all these years hasn't resulted in any change of attitude from your Mum - time to ask her to account for the choices she made rather than always accepting her version, that it was your fault. Good luck!

@polinkhausive to be honest I don’t even know. I don’t think my mum even thought of that because she’s never worked so never had to think about that. I probably could have got the time off because I worked at a company that were very flexible around annual leave but it never got to the point of me even checking if I could get the time off because I knew I wouldn’t be able to persuade myself to go.

This! I wouldn’t dream of booking for DS24 without asking if he wants to go! When all four of us go we get two rooms and both DSs share. This year it’s just DS17 so we’re all sharing but we have quite a large cabin and DH and I will give him plenty of space.

@Bollihobs you know I think I might try that. I have a sinking feeling I’d get just the same old excuses because it’s always been whatever my mum says goes in her mind and I was just being awkward but I’d actually like to know the reason why I couldn’t book my own!