Adult children sharing the same room as parents on holiday. Yes or no?

[bobbythejobby]

Parents decide to book a cruise for family of four - mum, dad, daughter and son. They say this is going to be their last family holiday now the two kids are getting older. DS is 15, DD is 24 and has already moved out but when they book the cruise they put her on the booking and pay for her to go but don’t ask her in advance or even tell her they’re going to book a cruise. So on the one hand a free holiday is not to be sniffed at.

However the cabin they book is literally the size of a shoebox and is just one room with bunk beds so all four are sharing this small space and equally small bathroom.

DD says she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with her 15 year old brother and 50-odd year old dad and asks if they can book another cabin for her to share with mum or can she can book her own cabin that she’ll pay for out of her own money as she’s working. Parents say no to booking another cabin or giving DD the details for the travel agent to book her own because they think there are unlikely to be any cabins left anyway as there were only a few at the time they booked. Therefore DD doesn’t go on the holiday.

So who’s being unreasonable (if anyone)?

I had been going to keep this anonymous how I fit into this scenario to try and get as unbiased opinions as possible but I know people will ask so I was the daughter who didn’t go on the cruise. I was (and still am) married at the time and couldn’t stomach the thought of sharing a small room with my dad and brother. I spent months trying to talk myself into going but I just couldn’t no matter how I tried to trick my brain into it.

This happened over ten years ago but the reason I’m asking this now is because now and again my mum will bring this up and insinuate I was wrong for feeling so uncomfortable about it that I didn’t go on our last family holiday.

Would welcome others’ opinions on this just out of curiosity as to if I was unreasonable or not to not go.

Oh lord the typo's. can't shouldn't

Thinking about it, I personally wouldn’t mind sharing like this with close family members or friends, however I would totally understand if someone felt like you did. Very odd reaction from your parents, especially as you offered to pay for your own cabin!

I find that weird. Similar situation in that I went on a cruise with parents and sibling when me and sibling were both adults. Difference is we'd got a suite with a dressing type area and balcony, so a bit more space and my sibling is female and close to me in age. We all agreed that it was the limit to what was ok, main reason we did it was my parents were going and it was so little extra to add us on. Sharing a room wasn't ideal, your circumstances sound significantly 'worse' than this.

My 21 year old son is still happy to share a room with me if there isn't a reasonable alternative.

Having said that I wouldn't do it for more than a couple of nights and also get decent sized rooms and bathrooms so we can give each other privacy for dressing.
I would share a room like that so I don't think you were unreasonable not to go and if they were so desperate for you to go they should have supplied the information for you to book

No it would be awful. We had a room like that (our one and only cruise so I didn't realise what the rooms would be like). It was just me and two young teens and it’s not good. Its too small. The bunk beds are awful. She would 100% feel uncomfortable, it’s too small and you’d all be sharing a tiny toilet/shower room. I would never book a room like that again for three never mind four people.

You were right not to go, in my opinion.

A fortnight in a cupboard filled with bunk beds and teenage boys farts is not a holiday. YANBU

Thanks so much for your replies. It actually makes me feel a whole lot better that I’m clearly not the only one who wouldn’t feel comfortable in this situation. At the time I was made to feel by my mum particularly that I was being awkward/ruining things by refusing to go. It did however take me months to 100% decide not to go as I kept trying to talk myself into it but it just wasn’t happening. The person upthread who said they’d rather be shot out of a cannon? That’s exactly how I felt about it no matter how much I tried to talk myself into it!

To answer a few questions, yes my mum does have a habit of holding on to things and bringing them up again years later. Bringing up this particular topic is generally in the context of holidays eg if they’re talking about someone else going on a cruise my mum will often say something about how I missed out on our last family holiday because I was being awkward. I always retort with well how many 20-odd year old married women want to share a small room with their dad and brother.

I think they booked the cruise as a spur of the moment thing and decided to add me on to the booking so I didn’t feel like I was the only one left out. I think this is why my husband was not included in the booking because in their mind it was a family holiday though I remember saying umpteen times that if they’d spoken to us beforehand me and dh could have booked our own cabin and we’d all have had a nice holiday! At that time we’d have had the money to pay for that kind of holiday too(not so much now unfortunately).

i didn’t have any concerns about my dad or brother’s behaviour if I did go. It was simply that I couldn’t bear the thought of it. I wouldn’t have had a problem sharing with my mum only. We’re not a close family and we all do our thing, we’re not an affectionate family so the idea of being confined in that small space with them trying to sleep and get changed and washed just horrified me to be honest.

I don’t think my mum is ever going to agree with me about why I didn’t go. She sees it as I didn’t allow us to have that last family holiday which I get in a way. My reasons for not going have never changed in all these years so I’ll just keep parroting the same line about not being comfortable sharing a room and hope one day it goes in. Or better yet doesn’t get brought up again the next time the topic of holidays comes up.

I’ll just keep parroting the same line about not being comfortable sharing a room and hope one day it goes in.

I wouldn't bother. It's clearly not what this is about as far as your mother is concerned. If it really had been about the last family holiday, she would have tried to facilitate it. If 'the last family holiday' had really been that important to her, she would have allowed you to book separately so that you would come.

No. I think it was, and still is, all about control. How dare you be an adult and have opinions of your own? How dare you be an adult and advocate for yourself? How dare you be an adult and book a holiday on your own terms? And, quite likely, how dare you want to be a new family of your own, independent of me?

It sounds like the stuff of nightmares, that’s not a holiday it’s a punishment.

I was very close with my parents but moved out at 18 because I hated sharing a relatively small house (3 bedroom semi detached) with them, never mind the equivalent of a cupboard.

They went to bed earlier than me and said I disturbed them if my phone rang, I had the tv on or just wanted something to eat or drink.

My dad snored so loudly you could hear it through the whole house.

They got up very early on weekends and crashed and banged about, my dad constantly had the radio on. The whole house was always noisy and I just wanted peace and quiet.

I have always been tidy and organised and kept cleaning and tidying the house to get frustrated when it was a mess as soon as they came home.

Me and my sister bickered constantly and she nicked my stuff.

I hated waiting to use the bathroom, and my family were all comfortable being naked when I absolutely hated it.

I hated their unexpected visitors and not being able to have friends round when I wanted.

The day I moved out I sat in my spotless peaceful flat reading a book and felt like all my birthdays and Christmas’s had come at once.
I can’t imagine condensing all those issues into a tiny smelly cabin. What if you all sleep at different times?!

The pp who mentioned sleeping surrounded by a 15 year old boys farts makes a good point, the thought of the smell in that enclosed space makes me feel queasy.

If your mum brings it up again OP, then I’d be trying to get to the bottom of why you couldn’t book your own cabin?
If she’s insistent in not letting it drop then I would just continue asking for the reason!
It doesn’t make sense at all that if she wanted you to go it was on the condition you were all squished together when you could have had your own space and still enjoyed time with them. Turn it back on your mum it was her fault not even giving you a chance to see if you could book another cabin as to why you couldn’t go.

Not, not unreasonable at all not to go. I wouldn’t share with brother and dad at that age either, no way. And I wouldn’t go if I hadn’t been asked either. The parents sound odd and controlling.

When they came back from the holiday they said that one night the sea was really rough and all three of them were throwing up. In that one tiny bathroom. I think I was even more glad then I hadn’t gone!

Well, my 17yo DS is so desperate not to share a room with any of us that he’s paid for his own hotel room. I don’t get why any parent would have an issue if the adult child is paying!

I think it would be a bit much to share a room with all my family. I wouldn't want to share a room with my dad and brother.

Around your age I went to London with my parents and shared the room with them. It was my decision , not theirs. So not the same scenario as yours. They’re not respecting you so I don’t blame you for not wanting to go

Cannot think of anything worse.
It's nothing to do with sharing with male family members, rather too many other people...

Surely the ship had already sailed, excuse the pun, for a last family holiday, seeing as you were actually married!

So you were married at the time? And your parents booked you onto a holiday without checking if you wanted to go, or if you could get time off work? And book the four of you into a sardine tin? And basically said DH not wanted on voyage?

There a few things wrong with all this, but your decision not to go was not one of them.

I might well choose to share for financial reasons. But not letting you book and pay for your own is just weird. Some sort of 'I am the generous one here's thing? And if you pay then mum is no longer being generous?

Your parents were out of order booking without asking. I wouldn't book my kids to share a space- last time we did that they were 15 and 17 and were fine with it then but I would not expect them (19 & 21) to do that now, and certainly not book without checking if they wanted to go or if they could get the time off work.

The parents were incredibly unreasonable for booking including you without even asking. I don't think I'd have had a huge issue with the idea of sharing with my family but I was married and had children at that age so I wouldn't have been going on holiday with my parents without them anyway.

@Minimili i could have literally written your post about the reasons why I moved out of my parents when I was still fairly young. I still sometimes feel all these years later how amazing it is to have my own space away from them.

ive never been certain why my mum was so adamant I couldn’t book my own cabin and pay for it. At the time I got excuses about there not being cabins left, that I wouldn’t be able to pay for it (I absolutely could have which is the most frustrating thing about it). I think it boiled down in her mind to she had decided that’s what the holiday was going to be and I had to do as I was told despite being independent and 24. She’s always been kind of rigid that way though. It was quite literally what she said went in the house growing up. My dad would never stand up to her so she grew accustomed to always having her way. It was literally her way or no way. It was a huge part of the reason I moved out young. We get on better now we don’t live together.

It's downright bizarre to book your married adult daughter on a holiday with you without a single chat with her first

Your DM was batshit!

Why was this the last family holiday? With you 24, married and living separately and DB 15? Seems a weird stage to have a 'last holiday'.

I cannot imagine booking a holiday for another adult without considering a) their partner (do they dislike your DH?), b) their ability to take time off work, or c) their annual leave allowance and existing plans (what if you had a wedding invitation/were pregnant/holidays already booked?).

For her then to expect you to share a confined space, not allowed you to book your own cabin (at your own expense) and THEN guilt trip you over not going for a DECADE is fucking mental behaviour.

Is this a one off or does she regularly try and control your life?

I last cruised in a single cabin when ds was 15 and dd 8. Balcony cabin. Sheer hell. Never again.
On holidays since we have had a girls room and a boys room. Although nowadays these are usually adventure holidays, touring around countries etc so it's not as if DH and I are looking forward to any alone time anyway!
I completely get the dd wanting her own space and the logical thing to have done was to book one balcony cabin and the cheaper inside cabin across the hall.

You were not unreasonable. DS last year at 17 decided he didn’t want to come on a cruise and share a cabin with us and teen DD. This year he has decided he wants to come but has booked a cabin with his gf. Even for teen DD we put up a curtain around her bed.

It was very odd that as a married woman they booked a holiday for you without asking. I wouldn’t class that as the last family holiday.