Adult children sharing the same room as parents on holiday. Yes or no?

[bobbythejobby]

Parents decide to book a cruise for family of four - mum, dad, daughter and son. They say this is going to be their last family holiday now the two kids are getting older. DS is 15, DD is 24 and has already moved out but when they book the cruise they put her on the booking and pay for her to go but don’t ask her in advance or even tell her they’re going to book a cruise. So on the one hand a free holiday is not to be sniffed at.

However the cabin they book is literally the size of a shoebox and is just one room with bunk beds so all four are sharing this small space and equally small bathroom.

DD says she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing with her 15 year old brother and 50-odd year old dad and asks if they can book another cabin for her to share with mum or can she can book her own cabin that she’ll pay for out of her own money as she’s working. Parents say no to booking another cabin or giving DD the details for the travel agent to book her own because they think there are unlikely to be any cabins left anyway as there were only a few at the time they booked. Therefore DD doesn’t go on the holiday.

So who’s being unreasonable (if anyone)?

I had been going to keep this anonymous how I fit into this scenario to try and get as unbiased opinions as possible but I know people will ask so I was the daughter who didn’t go on the cruise. I was (and still am) married at the time and couldn’t stomach the thought of sharing a small room with my dad and brother. I spent months trying to talk myself into going but I just couldn’t no matter how I tried to trick my brain into it.

This happened over ten years ago but the reason I’m asking this now is because now and again my mum will bring this up and insinuate I was wrong for feeling so uncomfortable about it that I didn’t go on our last family holiday.

Would welcome others’ opinions on this just out of curiosity as to if I was unreasonable or not to not go.

If someone else was paying, I'd suck it up.
My DM did something similar and it was a hoot.
It's not like living together permanently so can't see why it's a stretch.
However, if your DH was left out completely then I can see your position.
Be blunt, tell her how you felt.

It's a bit odd but I have shared a room with others of a different sex several times as an adult when in a hostel.

I would be more comfortable sharing with male family members than I was sharing with strangers of the opposite sex.

I'd suck it up for the free holiday.

I can understand your parents desire for a ‘last’ holiday.
but this sounds like a bin fire set up.

Although I’d wonder if you and your brother might one day come up with a plan to take your parents somewhere on a holiday? Something with a bit more space, but lots of chances to connect and enjoy time together, because clearly your mum misses that, otherwise she wouldn’t keep mentioning that trip from a decade ago .

I wouldn't have minded at all, I probably would have quite enjoyed it to be honest, I love things like that. But every family is different so you're not wrong for feeling differently.

However, I was single when I was 24 - I think even if I was OK with the sleeping arrangements, if I were married I would find the fact my husband wasn't invited a little bit odd. Might have skewed the dynamics a bit.

@GargoylesofBeelzebub I'd suck it up for the free holiday.

So you could have left your husband at home then whilst you went away???

My daighter 22 would share with us if need be and if that was all that was on offer might be happy to take it depending on if the holiday appealed. She has sometimes shared a room with her slightly younger brother quite recently. And her Dad I think, on a separate occasion. But it is very unreasonable indeed not to let the daughter pay for a separate cabin if she wants to!

Your parents were bonkers to ever think that might work, and to book it at all. Even more so to do so without telling you.

They became even more unreasonable by not telling you the booking details so you could book your own room.

And worst of all to try to hold it over you many years later and still suggest you were unreasonable!

If you were married it was also odd they didn’t invite your husband.

Honestly, the time for “one last family holiday” as though you were still kids had long passed. Sounds like they were - or your Mum was - struggling to come to terms with the fact that you were no longer a child, and that there was no longer a family unit of four to go on holidays together. She probably could have done with some therapy!

At 24, moved out, married and without discussing this as a family holiday? They were (and are) totally bonkers!

I guess they must have got carried away thinking it would be nice for you to all be together. Didn't see you as a proper adult to consult with. And then took offence when you weren't bowled over with enthusiasm. Perhaps some hurt pride with them wanting to "treat" you and you declining/offering to pay your way.

With hindsight, how sensitively/gently did you decline/offer alternatives? How was the cruise for your DB?

@MumonabikeE5 thats actually something I hadn’t thought of before - that maybe she keeps bringing it up because she misses some sort of family time. Though I think she’s also just annoyed that I didn’t fall in with her plans. Its funny because I did quite recently suggest booking us a lodge holiday (like one of those Hoseseasons ones) but I made it unequivocally crystal clear when I mentioned it that it would be separate cabins for me and dh and her and my dad.

It’s a shame she didn’t consult us before booking the cruise because if she had, me and dh could have gone in our own cabin and we’d all have presumably had a nice time. Now, my parents are getting older and me and dh would struggle to afford a cruise. But I still don’t regret not going to share a sardine tin for a fortnight lol.

Whilst it may be a big snug, I wouldn’t have any issue sharing with my dad and brother. They’re family, not strangers. Assuming everyone is fully clothed, I don’t see it as being any different to seeing them in the lounge at home. To the previous poster who said she wouldn’t share with a male relative as she had big boobs, surely they’re just as big in normal clothes and she wouldn’t be sleeping with them out? You’d get changed into pjs in the bathroom and that would be it. Unless everyone has perverted male relatives, I don’t really get this.

Having said that, you shouldn’t be expected to go on a holiday and share if you’d offered to pay for your own room.

I think it's much stranger to share a room with you wife's aunt and uncle than sharing a room with your own parents and brother.

Why not? He's not a child and married couples don't need to do everything together,

We share with our adult DCs occasionally. For example, DH and I are going to a concert with one of our DSs in a couple of months and I've booked one room with 2 double beds for the 3 of us. I'm sure DS would prefer a room of his own, and to be honest so would we, but tickets are expensive and hotel prices in the vicinity are high as it is so we'll put up with a bit of discomfort for one night. But I wouldn't fancy it for a fortnight, especially in a space as small as a ship's cabin. I think everyone would be craving a bit of privacy after a while.
I don't think you were at all unreasonable OP. Aside from the sleeping arrangements it is a long time to go on holiday without your husband unless it's what you both wanted. I understand why your Mum might want to have just her own children on the holiday, but you can't cling onto the past - children grow into adults and build different relationships and as a parent you have to accept that, no matter how much you miss the way things used to be. My DD visited without her partner recently as he was working away and much as I like him, yes, it was really nice to just have my nuclear family back together for a couple of days. We all enjoyed ourselves and I can understand why your Mum might want that. But it was just how things worked out. DD was alone and both her brothers were home from University so she wanted to join us. I'd never actually invite her to anything without her partner, especially not a fortnight's holiday - now that would be unreasonable in my opinion. I don't think you did anything wrong OP.

I’m going on holiday with my 22 yo dd and 18 yo ds soon. I asked them if they wanted to come and they’ve paid for themselves but we’re all sharing a room, there was no hesitation from either of them.
I think it’s odd your mum booked without asking you and that she wouldn’t let you add an extra room onto the booking but I don’t think sharing a room was unreasonable (provided all 4 beds were adult sized!)

Refusing to give you details of the booking is just weird.

There were only two children.

I would have gone and shared a cabin with my mum and let my brother and dad share a cabin.

This is what stands out to me! As a parent I would never have allowed this arrangement. I did go on a holiday with my lovely Mum for my 21st and we had separate rooms! It was 40 years ago .

Exactly why though? I had a couple of days away with DS ( ages 20) and we shared a room ( not a bed) . Was no issue

Didn't finish the OP eh @falkandknife?

Busted! 😂

You gave the right answer though.

As a point of interest how did you manage this? Id often wanted my DDs in another room but couldn't find a hotel that would allow me to book gor them seperately

I think it's very odd that the "last family holiday" hadn't already happened if you had already moved out and got married. Did they not accept your marriage?

Really weird behaviour.
Does she not like your DH?

The time for the last family holiday was before you got married. That's why folk cry at weddings it's the end of one era start of another.

I don't think you were in the wrong, adult limited annual leave and probably recently married. And cruise cabins aren't really meant for more than 2 adults. I'm kinda surprised they were allowed to book 3 adults and teen

No need to keep it anonymous; it was very obvious from the start that you were the 24 year old DD - and also that YANBU!

There are so many things wrong with your mother’s behaviour here:

1. The fact she booked a holiday for a 24-year-old adult without asking first. That is beyond overbearing and presumptuous.

1. The fact that she expected a family consisting of two parents and two adolescent/adult children of the opposite sex to be fine with sharing a room and didn’t consider that this might be weird and uncomfortable.

1. The fact that she literally refused to let you look into other options despite the fact that you were happy to pay for alternatives yourself.

4.The fact that she is still dicking on about this and holding it against you 10 years later.

Your mother sounds a) mad and b) a twat.

I've just read your replies OP, not all the comments after. I don't think you are wrong.

I have shared a motel room with all beds in the main area with adult children before, and we were all happy with that (and it was just a night or two). The idea of doing the same with my parents - no thanks. I could probably only deal with that for a night or two myself.

If you were willing to pay for your own cabin, there should be no issue with you trying to book one. Unreasonable they wouldn't let you try. Not unreasonable for you to choose not to go since cruises tend not to be short.