Dp problems, don’t know how to solve?

User9loooool · 11/02/2025 08:36

He is judging you openly then saying it was a joke. Can you ask him to be honest if he thinks you are drinking a lot? Or is it just he doesn’t approve of it full stop. I know my DP thinks it’s weird if people drink alcohol indoors of a weekday, he only drinks socially. I don’t think it’s weird but he doesn’t say anything negative to me about it. Usually people who have a hang up will do this kind of thing, he is being judgmental and making you feel bad, you could explain you are an adult and can make your own decisions and don’t need a running commentary however he now has turned it round on you to make it seem like you are the problem. Does he comment on things you wear as well?

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:44

Any children?

UpMyself · 11/02/2025 08:52

Bin him. It won't get better.

Happyinarcon · 11/02/2025 08:53

Sounds like he was on his best behaviour up until the point he moved in, and now he’s more relaxed his true colours are showing.

Original poster

Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 08:58

No children. No hes never commented on what I wear.
i realise its a form of low level control, however am I over sensitive always feeling guilty? He says he has no intention of trying to change me or be in control

OP posts:

Catza · 11/02/2025 09:11

Only you know your partner well enough to say whether it was a joke or undermining dressed as a joke.
But in either case it is worth remembering that your feelings are entirely within your control. If you don't think you drink excessively, then I don't see where the feeling of guilt comes from. If you do think you cut cut back, then do that.

Lmnop22 · 11/02/2025 09:13

I would be wary it’s the start of a controlling relationship - testing what you’ll tolerate and what you’ll change for him and how much power he can exert over your decisions. It will start small with an offhand comment about a drink but if you change your behaviour in response and accept that dig then he will ramp it up by degrees and you won’t even notice the incrementally more controlling behaviour and rules.

Stick up for yourself, set boundaries and don’t allow him to take control and see how he reacts when he isn’t changing your behaviour.

Original poster

Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 09:15

UpMyself · 11/02/2025 08:52

Bin him. It won't get better.

We have just taken on a mortgage together it’s not as easy as bin him unfortunately

OP posts:

Original poster

Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 09:17

It might be worth adding my do has endless good qualities and positives- there’s just this one niggle.
i understand no one is perfect and everyone is going to have their flaws- I just wanted some perspective on this

OP posts:

TemporaryPosition · 11/02/2025 09:18

Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 08:58

No children. No hes never commented on what I wear.
i realise its a form of low level control, however am I over sensitive always feeling guilty? He says he has no intention of trying to change me or be in control

Then ask him what it is he needs to "get used to" about light social drinking? What impact is it having on him?

This would really annoy me

UpMyself · 11/02/2025 09:20

Keep an eye on how many times he says these things. The needing to 'police his language' is a red flag.

womanjustwanttohavefun · 11/02/2025 09:20

Listen to what people are saying.

He's testing the waters on control.
You are feeling guilty for something that you shouldn't.

You feel obligated to stay because of a mortgage. He knows this.

It always starts small.

Maybe read some other threads on similar situations.

Do you want to live your life feeling judged, controlled, guilty?

RunVelma · 11/02/2025 09:20

‘I’m only joking’ isn’t allowed in this house. That’s what I tell my kids anyway.

It’s a tactic used by bullies to 1. say what they like and 2. invalidate their victim’s feelings.

He’s being a dick OP.

BilboBlaggin · 11/02/2025 09:22

You need to challenge him at the time he says these things "yes, you had better get used to it Dave, because I really don't drink very much, and I won't be changing anytime soon".

RunVelma · 11/02/2025 09:23

I agree. Challenge him: get used to it or fuck off Dave.

Uberella · 11/02/2025 09:25

Let him police his language around you;he's being a complete twat about some occasional drinking;3 medium glasses (175ml) of wine amounts to 525mls;a pint is 568mls.

I'm betting if you're out he'll have a single pint then try to shame you for drinking (well I'm assuming sipping at a couple of glasses of whatever wine you enjoy).

augustusglupe · 11/02/2025 09:32

womanjustwanttohavefun · 11/02/2025 09:20

Listen to what people are saying.

He's testing the waters on control.
You are feeling guilty for something that you shouldn't.

You feel obligated to stay because of a mortgage. He knows this.

It always starts small.

Maybe read some other threads on similar situations.

Do you want to live your life feeling judged, controlled, guilty?

OP this is spot on.
Anyway, questioning him won’t make him stop. He wants to get to you. I agree that it starts with small things that he can laugh off and say you’re over reacting.
I would end it.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 11/02/2025 09:32

Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 08:58

No children. No hes never commented on what I wear.
i realise its a form of low level control, however am I over sensitive always feeling guilty? He says he has no intention of trying to change me or be in control

No you're not oversensitive. He's just done a classic DARVO

He's said something to shame you then when you've pointed out that's not nice he has turned himself into the victim by saying he will have to police his language around you and made YOU out to be the one controlling his speech or thoughts.

It is control and dont disregard it as low level.

Manipulative abusers often start with small things and then as they get deeper into a commitment with you it escalates ESPECIALLY during pregnancy and postnatally so don't have any children with this man.

I've been in enough abusive relationships to not tolerate this and if you want my advice, LTB now.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 11/02/2025 09:35

Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 09:17

It might be worth adding my do has endless good qualities and positives- there’s just this one niggle.
i understand no one is perfect and everyone is going to have their flaws- I just wanted some perspective on this

This is very black and white thinking.

Not all abusers are entirely bad and not all kind people are entirely good.

If abusers were horrible from the get go then they would lose the crucial element of control.

They manage to pull it back every time by buying gifts or offering favours or compliments, making you feel like a queen, being overly selfless in every other aspect because then you feel indebted to them somehow.

Honestly the mortgage is the least of your worries and you should seek legal advice for forcing a sale on this house and move out.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/02/2025 10:01

Happyinarcon · 11/02/2025 08:53

Sounds like he was on his best behaviour up until the point he moved in, and now he’s more relaxed his true colours are showing.

I’d second this, and move back out.

Especially with the follow up of when you raise the behaviour of making the comments, he does it again about the fact you commented!

Huckyfell · 11/02/2025 10:08

If you are over sensitive as you say, maybe just need to have a bit more time and if he says anything again tell him you don't appreciate his comments and ask him not to mention it again.
I wouldn't put much value on the "dump him brigade" on here, as you say he has many good values - concentrate on these and iron out the annoyances.

User9loooool · 11/02/2025 10:30

I don’t think being over sensitive is being fed up with someone making pointless digs at you. If I have a concern I will talk to my DP properly and kindly not by being passive aggressive. He has a bad back and I talked to him about going to see someone to get help, he doesn’t want to. If I keep making digs he will get fed up of it. As would I.

He is passively aggressively judging you to stop you doing it, it will be rooted in some kind of judgment about it making him feel uncomfortable problem is, it’s your body and doesn’t affect him at ALL. He either voices his ‘discomfort’ like an adult or keeps it to himself

Hoppinggreen · 11/02/2025 10:36

Boiled frog
It would be very unusual for a man to be very controlling from day 1, most women would run a mile. They ramp it up slowly
Interesting that its gone up a notch now you are trapped by a mortgage

Quiinkong · 11/02/2025 10:41

Daytimedreamerz · 11/02/2025 08:31

Dp and I been together for 4 years but just moved in last year.
Since moving in it seems there’s been a few times he’s made a comment on something I’ve done and then made a joke about said thing which has made me feel guilty
An example would be if I fancied a drink - he’s not a big drinker and neither am I - (maybe 3 glasses of wine every 2 weeks, a night out every 2-3 months) but he will say things like he has to get used to being with someone who drinks so much etc so I now feel guilty and feel like I should drink less.
After saying to him this is how he’s made me feel, he has said now he is going to have to police his language around me now which isn’t what I want at all.
I don’t know what to do here any advice?

So, instead of saying "I'm sorry, it was never my intention to make you feel that way", he has played defense in an offensive manner. Why are some men like this? You should be able to voice how you feel without someone making you feel guilty for it, especially when you're not being unreasonable with what you're saying. Making statements like that will make you extra cautious about what to bring up in the future and your relationship shouldn't be like that. I think you need to express this to him. If you cannot speak freely with your DP without him being an ass, what's the point

araiwa · 11/02/2025 10:41

It's an obvious joke

Extrapolating it to abuse and ltb is unhinged