Dp problems, don’t know how to solve?

[Daytimedreamerz]

Dp and I been together for 4 years but just moved in last year.
Since moving in it seems there’s been a few times he’s made a comment on something I’ve done and then made a joke about said thing which has made me feel guilty
An example would be if I fancied a drink - he’s not a big drinker and neither am I - (maybe 3 glasses of wine every 2 weeks, a night out every 2-3 months) but he will say things like he has to get used to being with someone who drinks so much etc so I now feel guilty and feel like I should drink less.
After saying to him this is how he’s made me feel, he has said now he is going to have to police his language around me now which isn’t what I want at all.
I don’t know what to do here any advice?

So, instead of taking what his partner is saying seriously, he turned it into a joke? How charming and hats off to you too, crusty the clown

Maybe it was (I don't think so) but his reaction to OP asking him to stop is pretty telling even so

It’s a mean joke then.
why or how is this ‘funny’
making your partner feel like they have a substance abuse problem for having the odd glass of wine? Wouldn’t you just talk to them normally if you were worried. Or if they explained that they didn’t find it funny, you would say sorry I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings it landed the wrong way. And not keep doing it again?

I don't think anyone sensible would seriously suggest that going out 4 times a year is in any way problematic or gives any sense of substance abuse

Hence its an obvious joke

If DH said to me he would have to ‘get used to ‘ something harmless I do, I would just smile and say ‘yes’. If I was in a good mood I would give him a kiss and a hug, if I was in a bad mood I might mention getting used to socks on the floor.

But I’m sure some keyboard warrior will be coming along to tell you to sell your house and live in poverty and distress rather than smooth it over.

Well either he polices his language, you police your reaction, or you carry on having the same conversation every time you have a drink.

It's obviously niggled you OP, and rightly so.
Passing off a mean comment as a 'joke' is a bullying tactic.
I'd keep a close eye on this kind of behaviour and nip it hard.
Yes, he has to police his language - that's not a negative, if mean things slip out of his mouth he should be trying harder not to say them.
It would concern me a bit that now he's moved in and you're financially connected that he feels more comfortable in dictating your behaviour.
Don't be a boiled frog.

I think you need to make sure the ‘jokes’ go down like the lead balloons they are. Ie on the drink comment reply ‘oh do you think I am drinking too much? How much do you think is too much?’ Etc. On him policing what he says reply ‘it would be nice if you considered my feelings yes. Would not normally your apply an internal filter when talking to you other friends or family’ etc etc.

it does depend on the rest of your relationship. Him making jokes about drinking too much is fine in my opinion if there’s no other control or addiction issues.

but if you don’t find it funny the. Make it clear it’s not funny.

@Beamur yes love the boiled frog comment.

If it's just the drinking he's off about Op then tell him you don't drink to excess and he doesn't need to comment on it, end of conversation. I would keep an eye on this though, it may be he's testing the waters with controlling behaviours. And don't feel guilty Op, that's more worrying, you're not a child, no need to feel guilty

Is it every time you have a drink? Because then of course it's controlling.

Is it only re drinking? You say you gomout once every 2-3 months. I consider that a very very low-level, particularly if no.childrem (unless you have children just not with him?) And I would wonder why you don't feel able.to spend time out the house? When you do go do you feel younhave to compromise or make it up to him? What other examples do you have?

Some people.do have particular issues with drinking. Personally I couldn't be with someone like that but if he's one of those and this is the only issue you might need to just be firm, "yes, you need to police your language because I don't see why I should have yo listen to you complaining every time I have a drink. Either I can have a drink or you have to choose not to be with me or anyone like me who likes a drink".

Using the drinking as an example but it’s many things that he would either comment on or ‘joke’ about and I end up feeling like it’s a dig
I’ve said to him- ‘I know you are saying it’s a joke but it doesn’t feel like a joke’

he has said now he is going to have to police his language around me

The correct response to this is 'yes DP, you are' OP, if he's saying stuff that upsets you it's 100% on him to stop it! Not sure why you say you don't want that tbh?

Sounds like negging

He says he doesn't want to change or control you? What prompted him to say that? Saying it doesn't make it so. I had a nasty abusive ex and he started the relationship saying he treats women well and doesn't control them so I see such announcements as red flags.

Also you just got a mortgage so are tied to him. Things like this getting financially tied or having a child are often when the mask slips for nasty men

Just reply that it's him driving you to drink, with a laugh.

Or I didn't realise I was living with a member of the temperance league, with a laugh.

Then yes, it's controlling and negging. The objective could be to ensure you only do what he wants. it could be to keep you off balance and insecure. I don't know and more examples would help.

But I'd guess that the comments, jokey or not, are already causing you to change your behaviour sor second guess yourself. So, at best, you're not compatible because he thinks these jokes are funny but you find them stressful and judgemental. Or at worst, it's the start of a long campaign to control you and make your world smaller.

has it got worse since you bought the house!?

Jokes are meant to be funny, @araiwa . Abusive behaviour tends to start small.

If you put a frog in a pan of boiling water it would jump out, but if you put it in a pan of cold water and warmed the water, the frog wouldn't notice the water getting hot until it was too late.

This is someone who cant have proper conversations about topics that are most likely to go down badly, so do so using passive aggressive jokes to make sure you know what they are thinking. It’s calculated and hidden behind a joke facade. It’s very tiring being around someone like this. It is a dig. A pointless dig designed to make you feel a bit shit and make sure their opinions are being aired and then they can hide behind ‘can’t you take an joke’ and you aren’t being over sensitive. That’s something bullies say to play down their behaviour.

i realise its a form of low level control

Is that the kind of relationship you want to be in? Especially knowing that low level control escalates over time?

am I over sensitive always feeling guilty?

No, you are just the right level of sensitive, which is why you've spotted this the moment he's started it. All you need to do now is heed the warning your sensitivity has helpfully provided you with, instead of talking yourself out of it because of shared finances, which is what he's counting on.

He says he has no intention of trying to change me or be in control

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he. Do you think anyone ever does?

No children.

Keep it that way. If you think leaving is hard when you have a joint mortgage, try doing it with a baby, or several children, especially once he's persuaded you to stop working.

Oh yikes.

Shame you didn't post before the mortgage.

Huge red flag. HUGE.

What jumps out to me is that both of you appear to think "policing what you say" is a bad thing when, in reality, it's just another way of describing being mindful of what you say or do to avoid hurting feelings. A decent person wouldn't have a problem with that, and he sounds like he might be a decent person. Generally speaking, it's a bad sign when someone doesn't ultimately adapt though.

The point being that one should respect your partner's foibles whether or not you think they're valid. In this case, he should just respect the simple fact that you don't like that kind of joke, regardless of whether he thinks it's reasonable . Speaking from experience, though, sometimes it just takes a few goes for the message to land and you can only judge over time.

My example would be that I have misophonia and hate people eating near me. It took my partner a while to learn that, just because they didn't think it should be a problem, it didn't mean it wasn't.

All that being said, my mum seems to have gone 30+ years without learning not to bite to my dad's dry sense of humour, and he's gone 30+ years without learning it upsets her.

Stolen from Jefferson Fisher; "You need to tell better jokes" then walk away.

He's gaslighting you.

In this house we say, "a joke is when the other person laughs" and ignore their PA nonsense.

I refer to 'jokes' like this as Schrödinger's jokes. You say something mean, see if anyone is offended, if they are, it's a 'joke'

If you want to stay with him, you have to be much more assertive. He will either ramp up more quickly, in which case you know it's control and plan to leave. Or he will STFU in which case good communication worked.

"I'll have to get used to you drinking so much" gets:

Yes, you will. <deadpan>
I'll check myself into rehab. There is one specifically for people who drink less than 10 units a week <roll eyes>
God you sound like someone's granddad.
Please stop commenting on that, it's incredibly boring.
I'm Turing into a lush, putting up with you.
Yes dear, you've finally driven me to drink.
Would you please stop, it's like a broken record.
OK Mum.

Sarcastic and/or assertive. Take your pick.

If you wanted to be grown up, and I wouldn't, try WHEN I FEEL BECAUSE PLEASE.

When you comment on my very reasonable drinking, I feel angry/sad/anxious/whatever it makes you feel. Because I have made my choice about my body and it's mine to make. Please don't comment on things I put into my body again.

If he says, "I was only joking". "That's as maybe but I am asking you not to again".

He isn't gaslighting her.